r/AmItheAsshole May 08 '22 The Poop Knife 2 Calculating 1 Silver 2 Facepalm 7 I am disappoint 2 Table Flip 3 Are You Serious? 3 Triple-Ply Toilet Paper 4

AITA for taking away my daughters bedroom and giving it to my son? Asshole

I(M32) have a daughter Harper(F14) from a previous relationship. I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life.

5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31) we tried to have a child but couldn't. We went to the doctor and turned out I can't have anymore kids due to some complications. We decided to use an sperm donor and the result was a son, Mark, who was born a few months ago.

The problems started when Nina got pregnant. Harper wasn't happy about it. When Mark was born things got worse. Before this Harper and I used to spend 2 days a week together, just the 2 of us without my wife but after Mark was born I couldn't do that anymore. I can't just leave my wife alone for 2 days a week with a newborn and Harper has been very angry about it.

The main problem started 3 days ago. Nina and I decided to make a nursery for Mark instead of having him in our bedroom for multiple reasons.

Our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 master bedrooms at one side and 2 bedrooms at the other side. One of the master rooms is ours, the other one is Harpers. It was very hard for Nina and I to go to the other side of the home multiple times at night when Mark wakes up so I asked Harper pack her stuff and go to one of the bedrooms so that we could give her room to Mark. At first everything seemed alright. She said ok and went to her room and started packing but less than an hour later my brother showed up at our home, asking for Harper. She had called him and asked him to take her. She came out of her room with her stuff, told me "you can give it to your son now" and left with my brother. I told her she could only go for one night but it has been 3 days and she is not back and wont even talk to me.

Im receiving calls from my family all calling me an AH and other names.

I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper. She was the first grandchild in our family and everyone's favorite also they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet so I decided to post here and get some unbiased opinions. AITA?

Edit: Here is the update that I promised

I realized I've messed up so I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her, saying she doesn't want to see me.

He said he would only let her go back if:

  1. She wanted to go with me

  2. We move to another home close to their home because they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away which made Harper very sad.

  3. Harper will get to choose which bedroom she wants in our new home

  4. I should spend 1 on 1 time with Harper at least one day a week

Which I accepted.

This caused a lot of problems since my wife doesn't like some of those conditions. she thinks they are not reasonable. She got angry, took Mark and went to her parents home and is staying there so now I'm also receiving texts from my inlaws calling me an AH.

Right now Im looking for a new home that is closer to my brother's home

I called Harper and my brother convinced her to talk to me for once. she was crying the whole time while telling me that she felt like I didn't want her anymore. Hearing her cry like that really broke my heart. I honestly never meant to hurt her.

After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me. I will go to my brother's home everyday to spend time with Her. She has also finally agreed to come home with me when I find a new home.

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I tried to take my daughters bedroom away and give it to my son and everyone thinks that makes me an AH

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u/SweatyPoetry5057 Jul 13 '22

YTA I would never speak to you again if I was her. How could you do that to your own child and there were other rooms to choose from. Men like you are the reason women have hate and trust issues and they all stem from the fathers growing up. I hope that she never speaks to you again and you regret ever doing her like that.

u/Pretty_Winter_4693 May 08 '22

YTA. A million times YTA. You have no idea what a child's room means to them.

When I was 12-15 around Harper's age, my sister and niece came to live with us and I did the "sweet kid" thing and let them sleep in my room and I slept on the couch. I went from one couch to another, and when my sister basically abandoned her daughter with us, I decided to let my niece pretty much have my room. I thought it was temporary. It lasted quite a while, because I ended up sleeping on an air mattress for a year/2 years cause it took forever for my parents to get the office converted into a bedroom. BUT AT LEAST THEY DID A SELFLESS THING AND PROMISED ME I WOULD HAVE MY ROOM. And they FOLOWED THROUGH.

They understood how important it was. A kids room is a personal space that they can retreat to. Where they can get away from their parents when they aren't the best parents.

Not having a room for those couple of years really fucked it up. Sure, I was doing it for my niece because I wanted her to have a place, however, I felt like my parents were replacing me. That they favored my niece. To this day, I still freak out about my room. I still freak out about having no place to go, about being abandoned, and not having a space of my own.

I digress, but everyone here knows for a fact there is a lot more to this story. YTA, and it sounds like you've been TA for a LONG time. I don't think there's any way to fix this unless you stop being a pushover when it comes to Nina.

But, for some reason, I feel like this isn't going to happen. So say goodbye to any relationship with Harper, or the rest of your family. Because you majorly effed up. I hope your proud of yourself OP.

u/KT_mama May 08 '22

YTA

You might as well look her in the eye and say "I'm replacing you". Get it over and done with.

It shouldnt be a surprise that if you're replacing her in your life, she's now replacing you in her life.

u/v_blondie May 08 '22

YTA

You just told your daughter that your new family is more important than she is, then you doubled down by evicting her from her room and banishing her to a lesser space.

Well done at creating a lifetime of hurt and resentment between her and your new wife/new son.

Your actions have ruined any chance of a happy blended family. Instead, you've created a massive divide between her and them. And shown her that they will always come first.

You suck as a parent. Well, at least to your daughter. Hopefully your son doesn't also grow up to mistrust, resent, and despise you.

u/Trick-Molasses-1480 May 08 '22

YTA. Don't be surprised if she goes LC to NC when she turns 18.

u/VenomousParadox May 08 '22

YTA you thought it was ok to ask her to move so you can be close to your son? Heres an idea YOU MOVE BEDROOMS

u/fpreview May 09 '22

YTA. Every single part of your post. You go further and further to being an AH.

u/estrellita007 May 08 '22

YTA. Just a terrible, selfish father. Don’t worry though, she’ll grow up and go no contact then you won’t have to walk 20 extra steps in the middle of the night. Good luck to your daughter and I hope she finds a good therapist.

u/canchanchan386 May 08 '22

YTA

What's a few more steps? Seriously. You alienated your daughter, man! Come on...

u/NoDepressoYesEspreso May 08 '22

YTA dude. You basically told her that you didn’t have time for her and that the new baby ways more important than her. That’s all sorts of fucked. You guys need serious therapy. I feel so bad for your daughter. Maybe think, why is your family taking her side? Maybe it’s because your showing favoritism towards your son?

u/Scary-Educator-506 May 08 '22

YTA. Your daughter is in the transitional period between being a child and an adult, and you stripped her of her personal space to benefit yourself so minimally that you literally won't even notice the difference you've made to your parenting routine. During a period where many young people are desperately trying to be seen as "grown up", you chose to remind her that you don't see her as anything other than a subordinate. By the way, your unwillingness to walk across a house to comfort your crying newborn speaks leagues about you as parent.

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

YTA

For many reasons but being a 14 year old girl IS HARD. It takes a lot of support to get through high school and you basically threw her away like yesterdays newspaper.

u/DystopianVoid May 09 '22

YTA. You don't spend time with Harper anymore. You kicked her out of her room for Mark because you're too lazy to take maybe 20 extra steps a few times a day until Mark can sleep through the night. It is so much less effort to walk than for Harper to move her entire bedroom. None of this is her fault, so please stop talking like it is. I don't blame her for wanting to get away. She isn't being seen or heard by you or your wife.

u/Plant_Books May 08 '22

Teenagers don't just give up and leave everything behind like this, especially if you're her only parent still in her life. Making her change rooms - YTA, how many steps is it to the other room with your son? Why don't you and your wife change rooms to be closer to him?

And she doesn't struggle? Yeah, you can bet something else has happened before and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. What's the history there?

u/youluvali Jul 26 '22

you are 100% the asshole here, you're daughter is already feeling replace and then u decided to give up her only space to a newborn? why would a newborn need a masterbedroom anyways, and it's kinda selfish how you took her room away just because you didn't want the baby to be in your room

u/Jaded_Ad2629 May 08 '22

You shouldnt Trust your judgement as you clearly favor your son. YTA

u/F-nDiabolical May 08 '22

YTA - wow you didn't waste any time letting her know she's #2 now eh. Really hope you made some good memories in those first 14 years because if you don't give you're head a shake thats all you'll be getting from her.

u/Classic-Emu-3998 May 08 '22

I smell a Golden Child and it isn't your daughter. You've said you can't spend time with her anymore because you have a son. You've kicked her out of a nicer room because your son needs it so you don't have to walk so far in the night. Just out of curiosity, exactly what have you told your daughter that says you want and love her without the implications of punishment, like stay at your uncles one night but you better be back tomorrow to discuss this. What is there for her to discuss. All appearances are when you talk to her it's about taking away more of her child/parental relationship or space. Mot only are YTA, I'd say you're a misogynistic one at that. She can't measure up because she isn't a son, and you can't be bothered to fight in her corner. Enjoy life with one child only.

u/BlackOnyx16 May 08 '22

YTA. You are making it clear that you favour your son. If a bedroom had to be given up, it should have been yours.

u/Due-Violinist6598 May 08 '22

YTA no doubt about it.

Have fun never seeing your daughter again, not that you actually care because I’d you did you would have physically gotten up off your ass and gone to your brother’s house to talk to her. But nah, she doesn’t matter. All that matters is the son with the new wife.

You had a child without talking or preparing her for it, you completely stopped spending time with her because your wife can’t be alone with the baby (lame ass excuse, she just doesn’t want you to spend time with your daughter because to her HER son should be the priority, AND you uprooted her life WITHOUT ASKING OR TALKING.

At 14 she has decided to remove herself from you. And I assure you that unless you fix this mess, as soon as she turns 18 she’s going to fully remove herself from you. And I wouldn’t be surprised if your family does too. You’re an insufferable asshole.

Besides, why the fuck does an infant need it’s own room? That’s how infants die dude. Keep him in your room and keep it in your pants for a bit like Jesus. You’re so fucking selfish and I’m glad she’s decided she’s done with your shit.

Do fucking better.

u/thiswonderfulhell May 08 '22

YTA You took your daughter's room so you wouldn't have to walk a few yards in the middle of the night. Unless you live in a mansion it couldn't possibly be that much trouble to walk to the other side of the house! Your daughter has already had to make a lot of adjustments to her life to accommodate YOUR wishes and then you take away her safe space! It might just seem like a room to you but to a teenager it's often their haven. Additionally, you didn't even talk to her about it. You just told her out of the blue to pack her bags and move. That's so horrible. You daughter naturally feels like second best, an afterthought and an inconvenience to your new family and you are entirely to blame for that.

u/Pitiful_Major1374 May 08 '22

Sorry Guy, YTA

u/hutz201917 May 08 '22

YTA. You suck as a dad and I hope your daughter goes no contact with you when she’s 18 for not caring about her

u/AkemiMiruseishin May 08 '22

You fucking suck, dude. I hope she never speaks to you again. You're such a waste of oxygen... Absolutely the asshole.

u/InspectionTasty1307 May 08 '22

Regardless of how well you think you’ve handled the arrival of new baby, Harper feels replaced. Every time you put his needs before hers, whether legitimate or not, she sees as another example of you loving him more than her. She needs to hear you tell her how important she is, how much you love her and then back it up with action. New additions are difficult in the best of family situations, yours is more complicated than that. Please talk with her and take some one on one time with her. And just listen to what she has to say. YTA

u/empresslilandra Partassipant [4] May 08 '22

YTA

u/Far-Wazoski_22 Jul 25 '22

yta. your newborn son does not need a master bedroom. your 14 yo daughter much more deserves it. you’re not going to die walking to a different bedroom. and i don’t think you guys should have moved all bc your wife didn’t get along with your family, that’s a little unreasonable of her, although it’s stupid to move again bc your family will only let your daughter back to you that way. technically as her parent you can force her to go with you bc you have full custody, your brother doesn’t.

u/Gamerartists Jun 21 '22

I hope your realize you are a moron. You and your wife I look forward to the entitled parent sub reddit with her side in a few years. YTA

u/smoothprince May 08 '22

first time i’ve ever been compelled to comment on a post here. YTA 100%

you literally just threw your own daughter to the curb, and made her feel less important than your new child. congrats.

u/knotyourgranscrochet May 08 '22

YTA and if you have a shred of empathy, then I don't need to explain why. Just reread what you you written until you start to understand the effect this has had on your poor daughter. Then reread it again

u/Snoo_7773 Jun 11 '22

Well YTA good luck when your daughter decides she wants to have no contact with you and your wife. Also your wife is just as bad as you

u/donut-f Jul 20 '22

NTA, wow there are a lot of people here who have been cradled way too much.

New baby does NOT = Everything will be the bloody same as before the baby. I know how it is, mum had my baby brother in 2018. Things change. You suck it up and move on. I have three siblings (I'm sixteen, and the oldest.) and I have had to give some things up, like having my own bedroom. I still share a bedroom with my sister (10) and that's fine, I'll get my own home someday, with my own space. Having another child does absolutaley not mean that you all of a sudden hate your daughter. She's old enough to understand that. A lot of things have to change. And it's not like your dumping her on the street, you're still giving her a room, not letting her sleep on the kitchen floor.

It's hard not having your own biological mother, that is understandable, but bitching about your dad's new wife, when he's clearly happy, and when she loves you (I'm assuming), is just really shitty.

Perhaps it's just the way I've been raised, but I'd be quite devestated if my dad got even a little upset with me. I alwyas go and hug him and give him kisses, asking for forgiveness. We are arabs, so we don't really cradle children after the age of 10. We treat them well, but to a limit to avoid a spoiled child. That's unwanted. You're only the AH for cradling your daughter too much. Stop that. She clearly wants you to only ever care about her, which is impossible. You care about other things as well. Give her a few days and she'll come back crawling. But, do give her these 2 days back in her schedule, quality time is very important.

u/longstringofnubers May 08 '22

YTA

You keep choosing your son our your daughter.

I wouldn't be surprised if she never came back. It would be your fault.

u/OkDrag6625 May 08 '22

YTA. she most likely feels as if her brother is taking all your time from her and feels unimportant due to this. and then gets her big bedroom taken away for a baby. i’d be hurt too. you still have fatherly duties for your daughter just as much as your son, although i understand he is a baby and needs more care, there’s ways to balance time/attention/love for your daughter. this is important in her development especially as a teenage girl. she needs her dad. be the dad you are trying to be for your son, for your daughter as well.

u/Lea_R_ning Partassipant [4] May 08 '22 edited May 08 '22

Of course OP can’t walk further, he has a son!! His son is more important than his daughter. YTA, now. Edit to add Your wife would understand if you were to schedule time 8 hours just with Harper. Call your family and ask for help, too.

Harper needs you as much as Mark does OP! Please call Harper and apologize so you aren’t TA forever.

u/athrowawayforaita_ May 08 '22

"They clearly favor Harper"

And you clearly favor Mark. Sorry your previous marriage didn't work out, but it's not your daughter's fault. Stop trying to erase her. YTA

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

YTA.

Mark is your son (no matter what your other family members may say).

Harper is your daughter (period).

Don’t show favoritism towards one child just because that child is an infant and the other child isn’t.

Even if this wasn’t favoritism, you don’t tell a 14 year old girl in the middle of puberty and likely many physical, emotional and mental changes going on (which aren’t being relieved or helped by her parents adding more stress to her situation) to completely pack up her entire life from that room (which I assume is the one that she’s known for most of her conscious life) and essentially downgrade.

u/Rough-Bet807 May 08 '22

Yeah. She obviously is feeling left out, you switched your schedule around to take care of your baby, but you couldn't do like- we can go out to dinner once a week just you and me or some activity once a week you can enjoy together. I'm going to say this judging as someone who doesn't have kids, but...if your wife can't handle a couple of hours alone with a baby who is mostly sleeping than maybe there is something else going on? Maybe you can hire a pt nanny for a couple of hours that you spend with your kid. And if there are 2 bedrooms close together on the other side of the house why couldn't you and your wife sacrifice the master since it was you two that decided to have a kid? You didn't even make it a conversation or ask her how she felt. You're being kind of a terrible dad to her rn.

Eta: yta

u/redestpanda May 08 '22

I can’t leave my wife alone two days with a newborn.

OK, I’m going to admit that I might be a little blind on this since I’m not a parent, but why? Don’t you go to work during the day? Is there a reason you would need to be there at night? It’s only two days not two weeks.

Also, yes, you sound like YTA. Your daughter seems defeated. She didn’t even try to talk to you about her feelings which says a lot. That her uncle didn’t even question her or try to mediate and just came get her also says a lot. Poor kid.

u/BigKnockers00 May 08 '22

Can I adopt Harper? Poor baby girl. I'll make sure she knows she's loved and important.

u/ExpressionSoggy2025 May 09 '22

How oblivious can you be?

Your daughter won’t even fight back. She’s done with yout sh*t and I don’t blame her. You took off her time with you and now her space in your house.

I hope she gets the love and care she deserves.

YTA!!

u/Tooligan13853 May 09 '22

YTA. It looks like you’re trying to exclude her from your family, like your “new” family is more important than your “old” family so she doesn’t get to spend time with you and being kicked out of the room she grew up in. Like you have a brand new toy and we can just leave the old, shaggy one aside.

u/TheLazyARMY Jun 18 '22

after seeing the update, a very soft NTA. It is completely reasonable and normal to give all of your time to your newborn child, they need all of your time and attention. Your daughter is 14 and she needs to learn to be independent. I rarely spend days with my mother, just me and her, because I don't need to, I can function well without her attention 100% of the time. If anything your daughter gives off spoiled brat vibes. And you're going to buy a whole new house for a teenager? So she can be closer to her uncle? I don't know, the situation doesn't make sense to me.

Don't buy a new house. Having to buy a whole new home just so your daughter can speak to you again is completely unreasonable, especially on such short notice. You don't just move out of the blue. And you have a newborn, that's a shit ton of money you're spending on a teenager going through a tough time. The only thing that you need to get her is counseling. There's obviously something going on that we as the readers do not completely understand, but from how I'm doing it, she simply just learning how to deal with these emotions she's not used to, because I honestly believe she's reacting very dramatically. There may be something behind the scenes going on that's affecting her, and she doesn't know how to properly control it, so she does things like this. She needs to talk to somebody who was not family. Preferably a professional.

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u/Time-U-1 Asshole Enthusiast [7] May 08 '22

YTA. You could have moved with the baby to the other side of the house (how big is your house that a walk down a hallway is too great a distance??)

u/soleil84 May 08 '22

YTA…you are completely out of touch. Your daughter must have been having issues if she just walked out like that. Why don’t you start questioning yourself and your wife on the treatment of your daughter because I guarantee there is something going on. Your daughter has had enough of she didn’t fight you back. You lost her….don’t be surprised if you are now cut out from her life…those important milestones..which I’m guessing you don’t care about. You sir are a complete idiot as now you have a golden chid…your son and now you have ignored your daughter.

u/Diligent-Touch-5456 Partassipant [2] May 08 '22

YTA, my babies were on another floor from my bedroom. We used a baby monitor at night and I climbed the stairs multiple times a night.

You should have keep the baby in your room until he slept through the night if it's that hard on you to go to another part of the house when the baby needed attending.

u/Ok-Bus-3166 May 08 '22

YTA- an absolutely massive one. You don’t sound mature enough to have kids

u/Nissan_1204 Jun 12 '22

If you were so tired of walking across the house you could've packed your shit and moved into the room next to his. YTA

u/cazdawn71 Jun 02 '22

Oh yeah you’re the AH

u/EnoughAcadia May 08 '22

YTA - all of you actions seem logical but at no point do you seem to have considered your daughters feelings. Why didn't you speak to her about moving rooms, not expect it. Hell if she refused I'd move my room to the others to accommodate her. She's going to have a lot of changes and you don't appear to have prepared her for this. Better planning and leveling expectations with your daughter would have prevented this.

u/queen-Lioness May 08 '22

Lol you suck, yta

u/Bran_prat Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

You are the complete asshole. She is your daughter, not a pet from a previous relationship. There’s no god sense to you moving her room period, the reason you gave is completely bogus, and she’s right to be angry with you over it. Get your crap together.

u/Livetorun123 Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA. First you distance yourself from your daughter and don't spend time with her and try to justify it by saying wifey can't be alone. Not a reason. Moms can be alone with a baby. Then take her room, her safe place and want to give it to the baby. Not only are you pushing your daughter away you are showing her she is less important than her step brother. Think very hard on how you are going to fix this, she will cut you out of her life and will be justified.

u/Reasonable_Hat_5876 May 08 '22

Had you bothered to take the time and consideration for your daughters feelings and well being you could have framed the entire room switch in a way that was beneficial and fun for her. Offered her both those other bedrooms set one up for sleeping and the other up as her office/closet/whatever, her choice of decor etc. Instead you and step mom are being selfish, insensitive, and cruel. Sometimes the universe knows what's best, perhaps you should've listened and not gone with a sperm donor. I hope Harper grows to realize this isn't her fault or something she deserved. I'm glad she has the rest of your family to support her. YTFA.

u/Fatima_Channaa Jul 08 '22

OK he is the AH but should he really have to MOVE I think that's a bit much

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u/Psychological_Leg821 Jul 30 '22

YTA. why does it seem like the brother is forcing you to spend time with YOUR OWN CHILD, you make it seem like it's a chore. Not only was the 2 day maximum time spent with your child reduced to nothing, you add salt to the wound by asking her to move out of her OWN room. You are so selfish and I agree with the daughter and honestly wouldn't be shocked if she left immediately she's 18 smh I'm surprised she even agreed to speak to u again because the way she reacted was like she had planned for it for a while, (as if she told herself the next time they do something to me, I will call my uncle.)

You want kids but don't treat them equally, that's very low imo.

u/Reggie1215 May 08 '22

Parents: keep their bedroom, put the bassinet or crib in there. Harper: keeps her room. Extra room further down hall: set up an extra bedroom for parent to sleep / get a break when other parent is on night duty. Or for parent waking up with baby to go to when baby being fussy, etc. if you want to stay in same room together. Eventually move new kid there when he needs a room.

This really isn’t complicated. There was no need to displace Harper. Your utter disregard for her feelings and needs and prioritization of your own = YTA.

u/PerritoG May 08 '22

YTA. You have two other rooms. If you wanted not to walk, then you move your bedroom. Not your daughter’s. You already took your days together from her.

u/Playful-Mastodon-872 May 08 '22

YTA. You definitely are throwing Harper away for the new shiny thing. You can’t give her the 2 days a week alone time, you COULD compromise to 1 day. But you didn’t. Instead you took that time away from her completely. Leaving her with what? Nothing. A baby doesn’t need a master bedroom. He can be in your own master bedroom. Or the nursery could be in one of the other rooms with a mattress. Nope, you decided to again, throw her away.

She’s 14. She does not even have any support from her father. Not sure where her mother is, but seems like she’s not in the picture. She doesn’t have any support or anything from her parents. She feels like she’s being put aside. Not a good feeling. I’ve been in her shoes, and let me tell you, it felt lonely. She will resent you all if you keep at it. The problem here isn’t the master bedroom. The problem here is you “throwing her away” and not even compromising to have some alone time with her. Grow up and be a better and present father for ALL of your children and not just one of your children. Otherwise, let her move in with your brother and live elsewhere. She’d be happier than a constant reminder that she doesn’t matter.

u/mollysfox Partassipant [2] May 09 '22

no teenager ever wouldn't have fougt back if it wasn't for more than this one reason. Tell us the whole story, OP. You seem to forget how teenagers are and to how much they can involuntarily take offense and feel hurt. I don't think Harper is in a good mental place rn. YTA.

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

YTA. Way to show your 14 year old daughter that she doesn’t matter. You should really reconsider having another child if this is the way your treat them. You don’t even deserve to be called a father, more like a pathetic excuse for a sperm donor and at this rate that’s all you will ever be.

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u/Fianna9 May 08 '22

YTA. Mark still should be sleeping in your room anyways. But you have Harper no warning, no option. Just demanded she give up what was hers for the new baby.

When mark is ready for his own room you sit with Harper and explain why you like her to change rooms, and then offer an incentive- let her decorate how she wants or buy new furniture.

And suddenly you are spending no time with your daughter? I get it, a good father should be involved in parenting a baby, but Harper needs her dad too. You can’t spare her a few hours a week?

She’s lost her mother for what ever reason, does she have any relationship with her step mom? Or is she just watching you start your new family and leave her behind?

u/livyintheshire May 08 '22

YTA, sounds like you just abandoned your daughter as soon as your son arrived. I don’t get why you couldn’t still make sure to spend quality time with your daughter just because your son was born? Your wife can handle her baby on her own for a few hours, she’s a capable adult. And if walking from one side of the house to another was so difficult and tiresome, why don’t you and your wife move rooms to be nearer your baby? Why do you have to put that on your daughter?

Your daughter lost her mother and now she’s being tossed aside by her father. No wonder she doesn’t want to see you, you’ve broken her heart. I hope your new family was worth it, because if I were your daughter I wouldn’t be able to forgive being treated that way.

u/Mrs239 May 08 '22

How you typed all this out and didn't realize you were TA is beyond me.

You no longer have time with her AND you kick her out of her bedroom??!! Seriously? You are putting her on the back burner like she's some after thought.

She already knows to go no contact at 14. Good for her.

YTA...big time.

u/wowyouhatetoseeit May 08 '22

YTA. Sometimes I wonder how y’all can be so far removed from common sense that it scares me.

“They favor Harper more.” I’m glad someone does because her dad sure doesn’t. To even have the balls to write the last paragraph is sending me. I hope she goes NC and stays NC. I mean you can’t leave your wife with the newborn so you’ll be too busy anyways. Smh.

Edit: typos

u/psychotica1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] May 08 '22

YTA and really set it up so that your daughter would resent your son. The right thing to do would have been to keep your son in your room until he was sleeping through the night. You don't inconvenience your daughter so that you don't have to be inconvenienced. You chose to have a baby, she did not.

u/Congregator May 08 '22

YTA: I even read this one to my mother. You’re probably torn and sleep deprived, because you have a newborn- which is why you’re most likely not seeing this for what it is.

You displaced your daughter from her room (her sacred and place), and to a 14 year old, what you’ve said is: “the baby is taking your place now”, coinciding with the fact that you’ve also had to cut out your father and daughter special time. A 14 year old is a child and does not see things from the perspective of an adult, and instead sees what is being done to them.

My mother said what would have been right would have been for you and your wife and the baby to move to the other rooms, rather than having moved out your daughter during a tough age when there are also many changes happening in the family. Basically, you destabilized the little bit of stability that she has had.

u/ClarissaNight77 May 08 '22

What you did was horrible. You failed as a father.

u/VegetableTangelo7346 Partassipant [2] May 08 '22

YTA.

u/cesarpanda May 08 '22

YTA.

You need to be more sensitive and in touch with your daughter's feelings. You can't kick out someone from their room expecting to still feel welcome.

u/aquamirage12 Partassipant [2] May 09 '22

YTA. Who wants to bet he got irritated with the baby waking him up at night so he told his wife that it needed it’s own room so he could sleep?

u/Nico1829 Jun 13 '22

You can’t just fix this with gift and letting her pick her new room in the new house you need to fix the main issues which is YOU AND THE WIFE

u/666444_ Jul 06 '22

YTA but here’s how it could have gone. •Express to your daughter how ur wife is having a hard time getting to the baby at night • talk to her and ask if she’d be willing to swap rooms (for the time being that the child needs heavy care 1-3 years) •if she is okay with it! Amazing. If not, than don’t force her. Maybe make a deal with her, if you move get her a TV in her room or something.

I do understand how you viewed it but it’s also harpers room, she’s made memories and has an emotional attachment to that space. I know when I was 13-14 I moved into a new house, I was supposed to get the second “master” (just a bigger room) but was kicked to another room. It sucked.

u/These_Strategy_1929 Jun 02 '22

YTA you call yourself a father!

u/jaklacroix May 08 '22

YTA. Your daughter was already feeling insecure about the new kid and you essentially confirmed that you care more about Mark than you do about her. It's not about the room, it's about her feeling like you don't make room for her in your life anymore.

u/itsyourgirl238 May 08 '22

I hope they do show a little favor for harper. Maybe that will balance out the favor you give to the newborn. YTA

u/branderson8311 May 08 '22

Yes, YTA here. Too inconvenient to walk across the house? Well it's less inconvenient than packing up an entire room when you could have just put the baby in your room. Way to alternate your daughter and nuke that relationship.

u/[deleted] May 08 '22 edited May 09 '22 Silver

So to recap:

- You did not talk to her about having a baby and how she felt?

- When the baby came she was pushed aside, got not time with you alone and you never talked to her about it?

- Then you do not have the energy to go to the other side so just tell her she have to give up the room. Again no talking?

- When she is having a normal reaction you gets angry because she can't read your mind?

So much YTA!!!

Let her have her room, move temporary to the bedroom beside the nursery or have him in your room for a while. TALK TO HER!!! And give her alone time with you! Basically you are saying to her: "Now I got my real child with my real wife and don't want you around anymore".

Edit: thanks for my first award!!!

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u/SnickeringDoodle May 08 '22

YTA.

Loving and raising your children doesn’t require you to play favorites or to antagonize one child to “care” for the other.

And for the future, because I think you need to know this, your daughter is not obligated or required to babysit your son. So don’t be a jerk about that later.

u/ohxlittlerachel May 08 '22

YTA. Congratulations, your daughter now feels both of her parents gave up on her.

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u/Cuddletug May 08 '22

YTA. You have 4 spare bedrooms and the rest of the house! Harper has just 1 room that she can call hers and you guys ask her to downsize, in favour of a kid who only needs a crib?

Move yourselves to a smaller bedroom if being next to the newborn is that important to you.

u/azure1503 May 08 '22 edited May 08 '22

I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper.

Well at least someone in her life cares about her feelings. You basically told her through your actions that your son and your convenience is more important than her (seriously, walking across a hallway was too much for you?). You didn't even have the decency to ask her first, you just kicked her out of her room, and then had the audacity to dictate to her how long she could leave for when she was running away from you. YTA.

u/vincensg May 08 '22

I’m curious why you got full custody.

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u/PhuckWitM3 May 08 '22

Well somebody has to favor her since you clearly don’t. Thank goodness for them. YTA.

u/tippytappy04 May 08 '22 edited May 08 '22

YTA. You were better off keeping him in your bedroom at least at night until he can sleep through it and then have him in the nursery. But no, you decided to kick your daughter out of her safe space, her haven, her room just because you couldn't walk some extra steps. So yeah major TA! You cast her to the back burner and expected her to lie down and take it. You could've gotten a sitter or family member to help out so you can at least spend one day with your daughter. Enjoy your son while you can because with that attitude, you lost your daughter.

u/TheGreyRose May 08 '22

YTA. You couldn’t take the extra time to walk a few more steps?

u/KillerbunnyLeo May 08 '22

YTA 100% you're showing favoritism to your son, and abandoned your daughter. She's better off without you.

u/laniebrit May 08 '22

The fact that he isn’t even thinking about the insecurities his child may have with another child in the house speaks volumes - let alone a child by another spouse (goodness). My oldest was an only child for 6-7 years and out of love I constantly reassured her of our love. When my youngest arrived, she got promoted to the bigger bedroom, and got her choice on how to decorate it. When we moved a few months later, they both went to the second floor and I just got up in the middle of the night and went upstairs and got the baby - it’s really not that big of a deal. So yes you are the AH and you better get those two days back ASAP!!! Your new wife will figure out the newborn, I promise but your daughter will NEVER forget this or how it made her feel.

u/MothGutZ__ May 08 '22

Your not telling us the whole story. Yta

u/Peacefull_Orchid Partassipant [4] May 08 '22

YTA. Wow are you TA! How dare you treat your daughter this way. There are so many other options out there to keep your time together special without making it all day. And then you take her room away? What is wrong with you? You are like the worlds worst pathetic parent. I’m so over people treating teens like trash when they get new siblings. Oh you really are the worst. I’m glad she left you.

u/AdPresent6703 Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA- you don't seem to see this from your daughter's perspective. You don't have time for her anymore, and now you are giving her room to your son and sending her to a lesser room.

I get that it would be more convenient for you to have the nursery closer, and I get that it's not fair to leave your wife solo parenting all the time, but you also need to consider your daughter's feelings.

You should have cut her days back tonone day a week, and then given your wife one day a week to herself while you care for your son. That would be a way to make sure your wife gets some down time, and you show your daughter that the time with her is still important to you, even if you don't have as much.

As for the nursery- you could either suck up the walk, or set up a second bedroom on the other side of the house. Whoever has night duty can stay there and you guys can switch off if you really can't bear the walk.

You are so the ahole because whenever their was a problem or shortage of resources, you made your daughter pay the price for YOUR AND YOUR WIFE'S convenience, even though you were the ones who not only chose to have your son, but also went to great lengths to conceive him. There's nothing wrong with the great lengths, but since this was your choice, YOU TWO need to bear the cost as much as you reasonably can.

u/MommaMS May 08 '22

YTA - so many changes, daughter cut off from special time with dad... OP doesn't say about any types of conversations with his daughter about all the changes that are coming with new wife, and new baby. Sounds like you just bumped her to the very bottom of totem pole, period.

You need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with daughter where you sssooo apologize for your behavior, tell her she's still a priority in your life and go back to doing something special with her every other weekend. Gradually add in stepmom and allow her to bond with Mark.

WOW - HOW would you not see that you're not an asshole for kinda abandonimg your daughter... I'm mean REALLY???

u/adriahhhhhreddits May 09 '22

yes u are the asshole

One for many reasons Notice how the brother simply took ur daughter no argument simular problems have probably accured.

u/Salt_Presentation_67 May 09 '22

OK so there's a lot of other issues going on with her not feeling like she's family anymore that needs to be worked on, but, as a compromise can't you give her both the non master bedrooms and turn that side into a little suite for her. That way she'll have her own space for studying which she's going to need in the next few years anyway. Make it seem more like a "we trust you" issue rather than about your son.

u/Kitty_said_what_now Jun 16 '22

I hope he talked to his wife before buying a house. Is she affected about her daughter feelings? And yes her daughter, if that’s his son then that’s her daughter and not step or any other title

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u/reesexoxolmao Jul 22 '22

Nta

I know you messed your hole relationship wir your daughter but I’m glad that your making it up with her. But you could of been a little nicer to your daughter. You wife is Ta in this story. But still you fixed your mistakes and you saw what you did wrong, but it was to late if you apologized earlier things might of been better.

u/sunflower_daisy78 Partassipant [1] Jun 11 '22

holy shit YTA.

u/chaos_given_form Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA just admit your playing favorites

u/crzycatlady98 May 08 '22

YTA 1000% it wouldn't kill you or your wife to walk a few extra steps and you could still spend father daughter time with her. You don't have to do two whole days but you could still manage a day out with her doing something you know she enjoys.

u/yalestreet May 08 '22

YTA

Did you and your wife empty out Harper’s room when she left? Have you been busy erasing her from her own room?

Btw: it’s a mild inconvenience to walk a little further. It’s not a hard life. You are the adults. Pay attention to the care you show both of your children. Do better.

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u/conan557 May 08 '22

YTA. I bet you also probably also wanted Harper to take care of your son too. Nope, that’s your son and your responsibility.

Poor Harper— she lost her room, her respect for her own dad, and doesn’t love her brother because of how her dad treated her. I guess it’s true when they say not everybody deserves to be parents

u/Giyu1220I3 May 08 '22

Yta, youre house is fucking humongous and you couldn't make room for the baby? I FEEL FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. My uncle has been In my room for 14 months and he's a freeloader.

u/raisanett1962 May 08 '22

I’m not reading this as OP is spending 2 consecutive days with Harper, and definitely not the entire 24 hours on either day. I’m reading it more like Wednesday after school until bedtime is Harper time, and on Saturday OR Sunday, Harper and OP go, I don’t know, apple picking or to the zoo or mall. Soccer. Hiking. They’re gone less than 12 hours. Surely Mom can handle 12 hours alone with the baby.

u/JetpackJustin May 08 '22

Not only are YTA but you’re a horrible father.

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/8thhousemood May 08 '22

Starting to understand why the first wife left after reading OPs replies in the comments, but wish she had taken Harper with her

u/izrvh May 08 '22

Why don’t you put the baby in YOUR master bedroom until it’s ready to transition to it’s own room? YTA

u/the_schnook Partassipant [1] Jun 12 '22

OP sounds very easily manipulated and is often told what to do. Guessing he comes from a family with a narcissist and then married a narcissist. His wife made all the changes in the house and his relationship with his daughter for HER son. Then when his daughter left the let his family tell him what he will do with his daughter and his home when they have no legal right or leg to stand on. This man needs serious therapy.

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u/CarelessCow2599 May 08 '22

Unpopular opinion but NTA - it’s not like he’s kicking her out of the house. She’s just getting a new bedroom. We are in the process of moving our two year old to a different bedroom so that her little brother can have the nursery - she understands she’s no longer the only child & is perfectly happy moving to another room for him. If a two year old can understand that then a teenager should get it too. Sounds to me like this girl has been spoiled by dad & family as the only child & 1st grandchild & is just struggling with the adjustment.

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u/gaellamaas May 08 '22

YTA

Having a baby is an adjustment that you know your daughter is having a hard time with and you want to move her out of her room? Don't put this up to favouritism on your family's behalf, maybe accept some responsibility for making your daughter feel sh*tty and come up with an alternate solution. You live in a 4 bedroom house, something can be arranged, there was absolutely no reason SHE had to move.

u/SoItGoesISuppose May 08 '22

You threw your daughter to the wayside. You're not giving her alone time and now you want to take her bedroom because its too far to walk. Wahhhh.

She doesn't feel like part of the family anymore. You and your wife are selfish.

Y T A

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u/lylla__ May 08 '22

Wow you bring being the Ahole to a new level. How do you tell your daughter she is second best and has no real place with you without saying the words??? Oh you stop spending quality time with her and then kick her out of her room(can't speak for guys but for girls that's our safe place) that's how!

Didn't you think about your daughter and how all this would affect her before going to extra lengths to have another kid?

You took away your time and affection for her knowing she doesn't have her mom to try to fill in that void...

You then take away hee safe place because ya know walking an extra 30- 40 steps is to hard... poor you..

You are either the densest mother fcker ever OR you don't give a hot sh!t about your daughter. Either way YOU DON'T DESERVE HER.

Let her stay with her uncle until she is ready to come back weather it's two days, two weeks, two years or 20 years from now.

This is all a result of YOUR own actions. Don't make her suffer anymore because of it.

u/Casual-Notice Asshole Aficionado [15] May 08 '22

YTA

You won't give your daughter solo time.

You downgraded her and banished her to the back of the house.

How can you not see the assholishness here?

u/wagl13 May 08 '22

YTA. Here’s a crazy thought for you. Teens have emotions, thoughts, and needs also. You completely messed up on all of that. If you want to repair your relationship with your daughter you can start by apologizing profusely. As far as where to have the baby’s sleep- your options are: 1. Mark sleeps in your room until he’s sleeping through the night and then goes to his own room which is NOT Harper’s room.

  1. Mark goes to his own room, not Harper’s room, and you just deal with the steps

  2. YOU move to one of the other bedrooms and sleep in the room next to Mark temporarily

u/StormingBlitz91 May 08 '22

YTA - You've basically ruined your relationship with your daughter by being neglectful to her. Also you can't blame your kid for being upset about the shift of the dynamic in your home. You're her sole parent and the fact that you never take her feelings into account is awful. Do you know what kind of thoughts go through her head when you decide to take her space away? She's probably thinking I'm being replaced or my father doesn't care for me anymore. The way you talk about her is also concerning. The fact that your family are more concerned about her should have been a red flag to you that you're doing something wrong.

u/hellblazrr May 08 '22

YTA. i was harper’s age when i lived with my father and his new girlfriend and her two kids (7, and 18) moved in with us (father, brother, and myself). my brother was 17/18 at the time so he moved into the i law apartment but that left one bedroom left with 3 more kids. the younger girl got my old bedroom and the older daughter shared mine with me. but that’s not the end of it. not only did i have to share my bedroom, but i had to share MY BED. needless to say i felt put out and pushed aside. no one asked me about what i wanted or how i felt about sharing a bed with a stranger. that was 20 years ago and i can tell you right now that my relationship with my father hasn’t developed much over that time. i was deprioritized and made to feel less than and that feeling never went away.

now i recognize that this situation isn’t entirely the same but i can guarantee you that your daughter probably feels the same way that i did. she feels replaced. she feels like you care more about the newborn than her. she went from spending time with you, the only parent she has, to being put on the back burner. an after thought. how careless can you be? especially given the fact that she’s entering her teenage years!! that’s such a tumultuous time for a young girl and you’re not taking any part of her into consideration in your actions.

you’re in for a truly rude awakening if you think your daughter is just going to up and forgive you for this and the longer you prolong making amends the harder it’s going to be to fix your relationship. you needed to have started this yesterday.

here’s some ideas: give her the bedroom back. she deserves it. it’s been her room for however long. you can take the extra steps to the baby’s room. it’s not that hard. second, take her out to pick up new decorations and bedding for her room. let her really make it her own. get a gift from the baby to her. it may be silly, but it’s a sweet gesture so she remembers not to resent him. he’s an infant and has no say in this. keep taking your daughter out for her days with you. your wife can hold down the fort or better, one day for you and her and one day for all of you as a family. go out to eat. go to the park and get ice cream. SOMETHING as a family unit where the focus is on just being together.

u/Somewhere_in_Canada1 Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

Just because you have a new child doesn’t mean the first one no longer needs attention. Instead of working on your relationship you punished her by kicking her out of her room. The nature of the conception is irrelevant as the problem stems from your callous disregard for your daughter. There’s always going to be a level of resentment when a new child enters the picture with such a large age gap toss some unnecessary abandonment into it like you’ve done here and you’ll find yourself cutoff from the neglected one.

YTA

u/aceworth Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

OP, YTA. Let's break this down.

You said it first, Harper's mom isn't involved with her. At all. Yes, she has other family, but that doesn't matter to a child who knows one of their bio parents willingly has nothing to do with them. Trust me. Strike one.

Strike two was telling her that you can't spend any time with her because of the baby. If she wasn't already harboring some feelings of resentment towards Mark she sure as hell is now. I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now, Harper didn't hear "we have a newborn baby, so we'll have to wait on our special quality days together for a little bit." She heard, "this baby is more important to me than you are. This baby was so important to me that we got a sperm donor and now that Mark is here, he's what matters most." Whether that was what you intended to say or not, OP, doesn't matter. That's what your actions have said to Harper.

Strike three was the bedroom. Harper doesn't have her mother and she feels like she's losing you to your newborn son, who does have his mother and his father. The bedroom blow was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why is it so hard to walk to one of the other bedrooms for Mark? If it's so hard, put him in your room until he's a little older. You know he's going to need night feeds and changing, why you'd consider putting him in another room anyways is ridiculous.

Yeah OP, YTA.

u/Haphazard_Anxiety May 08 '22

YTA. Your daughter already feels replaced and you literally took her space from her.

u/miflordelicata May 08 '22

YTA. You are leaving a lot out of the story for the fact that your daughter just walked into her room and packed her stuff. Your brother getting there so quickly shows this has been brewing for awhile.

Imagine being so blissfully unaware how you are treating your daughter that you don't even believe your own family. So you want to Reddit to confirm what everyone around you has told you?

u/adagiosa May 08 '22

100% YTA

What kind of father would treat his child like that? Your attitude toward your daughter is appalling.

You'd better update us after you apologize to her.

u/TwistedCitrus May 08 '22

YTA, if it's such a long walk, why is she the one who has to move? Why don't you pack up and move into another room?

u/jackeygigi1967 May 08 '22

Sounds like a spoiled brat

u/Old_Ad8635 May 08 '22

If I was your daughter, I would hurt your feelings every chance I got. Constantly reminding you, that you treat your wife's kid better than your actual kid. Everytime you remind me that he's my brother, I would ask how since he's not even related to you. You wanna be shiesty, welp two can play that game

u/Maleficent-Frame3794 Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA I cant believe you even have to ask.

u/fragilemagnoliax May 08 '22

YTA because you very clearly favour Mark. You literally cut out both days you spend with Harper. You could have cut it to one and explained that it was just for now. Or if you had to cut out both, you could have worked out a schedule for other times and had a date when the days would start again.

You also stole her bedroom. You are displacing her in favour of Mark at every single turn. She sees this as you replacing her with your new, perfect, family, which is what you’re doing. The fact you don’t see this?!

You could have moved both you and mark to the two bedrooms on the other side of the house until he was old enough to be down the hall. You could have done that. But instead you want to displace her further? What’s wrong with you, man?

u/SnarkyBeanBroth Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA.

Maybe, maybe you could have pulled this off if you'd given Harper *both* of the bedrooms on the other side of the house, after explaining that you want to trade because of proximity for the nursery. Like, "hey, we'd like to offer you a bedroom AND a fully set up game room/craft room/whatever her thing is" in exchange for the closer bedroom. But just a straight up downgrade? After also downgrading her time with you?

Your daughter has given up on you. Spare everyone your surprised pikachu face, you absolutely know why.

ETA: Treating your daughter like an afterthought because you have a shiny new baby is not actually going to help your family bond with your new baby. Something to think about since you obviously care about your son, even if you don't seem to care very much about your daughter.

u/CoffeeBeanQueen615 May 08 '22

YTA all the recommendations are for a newborn to sleep in a bassinet/cot in the parents room for the first 3-6 months. It reduces the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Your house and room sound big enough to allow this to happen comfortably in if your house has sides and two masters. After this time, the baby would no longer be a newborn. There was absolutely no need to ‘ask’ your daughter to change rooms, even if this wasn’t the case. A few extra steps would not have killed either you or your wife like you have effectively killed your relationship with Harper. If Nina was making a fuss about the extra steps, YOU could’ve stepped up and supported Harper by offered to go get the baby so she has no reason to complain.

You are the AH for making your teenage daughter feel so unwelcome and loved in the only home she’s ever known that she has given up without a fight and your whole family is on her side.

You may not feel comfortable leaving your wife and baby for two whole days like you used to but you could have reorganised your time to make it a special 2-3 hours 3-4 times a week and let your daughter know she’s still a priority, so when the baby get a bit older, the times get slowly get longer again.

u/ajax2476 May 08 '22

YTA why won’t you switch your own bedroom!

u/AssuredAttention May 08 '22

YTA. You made it clear that your desire for a new child outweighs your love for the existing child

u/russian_bookworm May 08 '22

On what earth would you actually think you’re not the asshole? This is like a kid who got a new toy that’s shiny and new and just tossed the old one aside (Harper). And you’re doing a shitty job of disguising it

u/Shesnotstr8 May 08 '22

You're just Harper's sperm donor now OP, good job! Hopefully she can stay where she's actually wanted and taken care of. YTA.

u/Amarain14 Partassipant [2] May 09 '22

YTA

Your daughter didn't fight you for her room she just gave up and when you give up means this has been the last straw. You pushed your daughter away in favor of a brand new complete family and it sounds like your family knows you better thank you think you do to rush to Harper's side.

u/SwimmingDifferent977 May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22

Yes. Are you and your wife really that lazy you can't take a few extra steps? Don't be surprised if she wants nothing to do with you after that. You basically told her the baby is more of a priority than her, that she will always be second fiddle to a baby. I see why she was mad with the pregnancy. She was scared she wasn't gonna be a priority anymore and her fears came true. You dropped the ball as a father and a parent. Being a parent and father/mother are 2 different things. You failed at both. Congratulations you lost your daughter because you told her he was more important than her. I hope you, your wife, and baby boy are happy. You made a 14 year old feel like she has no one but her aunts and uncles on her side. YTA.

u/[deleted] May 09 '22

YTA. Why are you even posting? Your daughter gave you what you wanted. A new family. No time for her no room for her and now you don’t even have to see or hear from her. It’s a win for you. Old family out new family in. Thank goodness her uncle loves her because dad you just showed her you don’t.

u/TygaLily1969 May 10 '22

What a way to show your daughter she was SO your teenage mistake & now you can start your REAL family. 🙄What a douche. And your nasty wife too

u/Andykastell May 26 '22

YTA, I'm really sorry for your daugther, and she is only 14

u/Enough-Ad-9825 Jun 06 '22

YTA... and I have a feeling that your wife is a lot more involved in this messiness than what you are willing to say, AND she is probably even more of an YTA. Good luck getting your daughter to bond with her brother.

u/leafypineapple Jun 10 '22

You are a major AH. Honestly you are lucky she agreed to see you. She feels as though you tried to replace her.

u/brit8996 May 08 '22

YTA. The comments passed the vibe check. I can’t add more, they’ve said it all.

u/baztrrdsoul May 08 '22

YTA. the extra steps wouldnt hurt you. the fact that she also put up no fight means shes done trying to deal with you. whatever you have done to her where you think she is being a difficult teen is the opposite. shes been hurt by you and likely feels replaced because of your son. i get that you cant leave your wife with the baby for 2 days but that doesnt mean you cant spend any time with your daughter at all. years down the line when she decides to go low or no contact, youll be forced to look back at where YOU went wrong if you dont try to make amends now.

u/ReddityJim Partassipant [2] May 08 '22

YTA - your daughter is feeling neglected, replaced and left out and you're not helping. Instead of spending two days you can spend one your wife will be fine and tour daughter would feel less replaced. I get having the little one close would be easier but you should have seen this coming.

u/mcclgwe May 08 '22

YTA. Kids are not chess pieces on a board. If it’s true, it’s nice that OP used to spend two days a week with their teenager. Although I would ask why. You can go do something special with them and then everybody eats together and then hang out and watch TV and then you have conversations about how they’re doing. Share their interests or drive them and friends somewhere. The problem is that no matter how careful you are introducing a new partner , who only has one parent IN THE WORLD, it’s really really complicated. And if you get impatient and you just slap Dash do shit, you have a big mess on your hands because you discover really how precarious their welfare and their sense of stability is. OP gets to have a new wife, a baby. Hey, I have to change up how we hang out, so let’s figure it out.But the reality is how that is for them, and the way it gets settled is by you doing little things they feel like doing and asking them how things are going. With school,living there, the new wife, the baby, and then just listening; letting them vent all the shit they don’t like. It doesn’t have to make sense. If the 14 year old has been hanging on and trying to “be good“ and the OP and the wife are pretending they get to kind of sail along and not attend to how things really are, then when they do shit like this, just slap Dash tell the kid to move to another room, this is what’s going to happen. As all the comments made note of, it’s not that surprising that a 14-year-old might wanna bail, Even if everything with new wife,OP ,baby are peachy. This is tough stuff. Being a teenager is really difficult in this world today. It’s so much worse than it was even 10 years ago. What’s really telling is OP and their wife thought they could just push the 14-year-old to one of the other bedrooms, and pretend that the second master bedroom the kid was losing was not a loss of status. It is. If they really got how the 14-year-old was doing and things were kind of sort of a little bit going OK with the baby, they would fucking leave that kid in the great big status room and walk down the stupid hall and do everything they could to keep stability in the teenagers life. What is telling is that the uncle came right over and grabbed the kid. There’s got to be a big bunch of other factors involved that the family knows about that OP isn’t saying. And they just want to be propped up and justified and let out of the guilt box.

u/miasabine May 08 '22

Dude. WTF. Of course YTA. You’re completely projecting when you accuse your family of favouring Harper, it is abundantly clear to everyone but you that YOU are the one favouring Mark. I mean, FFS, put yourself in Harper’s shoes for just a moment.

First she has to get used to the idea of getting a younger sibling at the age of 14. That’s no small adjustment for anyone. Then her father, who used to make an effort to spend time with her, completely withdraws his time and attention in favour of this younger sibling. There’s not a whiff of compromise or seemingly even a conversation about this. Spending one day with her instead of two? One day every other week? Throw the girl a bone? Explaining to her that babies are a lot of work so you’re going to be busier than you used to be, but that doesn’t mean you love her any less, and promising you will do everything you can to make time for your special girl?

So after seemingly being pushed aside and ignored for a few months, while having to watch you and your wife fuss and coo over your baby, you then tell her to move out of her room so her new brother can have it. Your son has now physically and metaphorically fully taken her place. This is the biggest FU, the biggest slap in the face, the final nail in the coffin. Look out Harper, you’ve been replaced. You’ve been relegated to a piece of furniture, and one that’s in the way at that.

Dramatic? Sure. But have you ever met a 14 year old who isn’t?

You’ve fucked up but good on this one, OP. It’s going to take WORK to earn back your daughter’s trust. And if you’re not willing and able to acknowledge your wrongdoing and put in the hours to begin to make up for it, it’s better she stays with relatives for now.

If you are willing to put in the work? Harper stays in the room she’s always had, you and your wife move to a room with better access to the nursery. Maybe even give Harper your old room if it’s better. Yeah, it’ll suck to move all your stuff. It sucked for Harper too. But at least you and your wife won’t feel abandoned and replaced by moving rooms, and Harper did. A big inconvenient (for you) gesture is EXACTLY what is needed here for Harper to begin to feel like a valued member of this family again.

Oh, and get this whole family into therapy, would you? Like yesterday. Please.

u/lilkou May 08 '22

YTA A massive AH. Let’s be honest. Everything you did shows that you don’t give a F about your daughter and you just dream about this new life with your brand new family.

u/Livid-Ad6582 May 09 '22

Does the Op ever respond??

u/AwkwrdPrtMskrt May 12 '22

YtA. You can just set up the other room as Mark's room.

u/RoyIbex May 08 '22

YTA! Let’s not forget that your younger teenage daughter has a bio mom that’s not in her life, and her stepmom was so fixated on have a “real” baby of her own. Add in the fact that you have dropped your father daughter time (which I get you have a new born, just seems like you guys didn’t have plans before your son was born) and finally, you tell her to pack up her room SO A NEWBORN BABY can have it himself. I hope your daughter is able to stay with her uncle long term. This way you, Nina and mark can have your own time. I’d highly suggest looking into counseling.

u/parrers May 09 '22

Yta

She's already lost one parent then you have repeatedly told her that she is below her step brother because you don't have time for her and now she has to give up her room with zero consultation

Your house can't be that big

u/aileue May 31 '22

Any further Update?

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u/Emilygrayce09 Jun 09 '22

YTA. You and Nina both. You overlooked how your daughter felt and didn’t try to talk to her about it. You didn’t even try to stop your brother from taking her. You made it clear to her that the new baby is more important to you than she is. Also, Nina getting mad and taking the baby to her parents home shows that she sees nothing wrong either…or she just doesn’t care. You both sound selfish and sound like you don’t communicate at all. Definitely TA

u/Serkter Jul 20 '22

It sounds like this whole family is entitled. YTA for making your daughter move, but beyond that, every one else in this story is a bigger A. it's completely unreasonable and illegal to withhold someone's child just because you don't like how they are being treated. It would be one thing if the girl was being abused, but she got moved to another room. Forcing you to move so they can keep an eye on here is invasive and uncalled for. Your new wife running off to stay some where else because of this is a red flag to me. Stop bending over backwards for all these people so that you're family life is easier in the short term. Take your daughter home, put her back in her original room, tell you brother to screw off, and make an effort to repair your relationship with your daughter without your brother breathing down your neck.

u/Ferretloves May 08 '22

I think kicking ur daughter out of her room when she was already upset about having a sibling was very wrong that was her space and now she feels like he’s taking that space and she’s not wanted or needed .No child should come before the other give her bedroom back and take the extra steps at night it comes with having children the doing thing you don’t wanna do and night feeds don’t last forever.

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u/thatfatpersonsitting May 08 '22

you’re full of shit, not only did you not try to spent more time with your daughter but also took her room?

u/DreamingofRlyeh Asshole Aficionado [14] May 08 '22

YTA You took her space to give to your new kid. No wonder she feels like she's being replaced.

u/OkWalk3947 May 08 '22

YTA to spring all of this on a child who’s already faced the trauma of parent loss. There is no reason a grown woman can’t be left alone with a single baby once or twice a week. Babies don’t mean you can no longer connect with your older children. In fact, they should mean you try and connect even more. And you should have considered the room situation long before baby was even conceived and worked out a plan all of you could feel comfortable with. You’ve let your decision to have a baby just roll like a boulder through your firstborn’s life and expect her to just enjoy everything she could depend on being crushed. Why not set up a second bedroom for yourselves next to the other room across the house? Why not ask Harper if she’d enjoy turning one room into a bedroom and the other room into her own living room/hangout to make it more of a gain than a loss? You’ve had a lot of time and a lot of other options to not just keep springing on your daughter constant loss.

u/External_Mechanic432 Partassipant [3] May 08 '22

YTA.

Giving the 2nd Master Bedroom to an infant . and put your 14F year old in a small bedroom is a butthole move

u/kbenjy May 08 '22

NTA. Sorry but a 14 year old needs to realize that a newborn has essential needs and she also needs to realize that parenting a baby can be exhausting so of course you’d want the baby close so you don’t have to stumble down halls at 3 am. You told her to move into a different bedroom, not the tool shed. I’m not seeing that you’ve done anything wrong.

u/whatcanisayimme May 09 '22

This has got to be a joke because you are so clearly such a clueless father it can’t be real. If only this subreddit didn’t have rules.

YTA. You are so clearly the a-hole it’s ridiculous. Your daughter loves with you and you can’t spend time with her? You can’t walk down the hallway a few more seconds? She ask you to try super hard to have a baby?

YTA, OP. YTA forever and a day

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u/ThePearlEarring May 10 '22 edited May 10 '22

I wonder why your brother immediately turned up to take Harper and the whole family is on her side.

Maybe they've all watched your new do-over family replace Harper and everyone including Harper recognizes what's happening.

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u/Crafty_Presentation7 May 09 '22

I guess I’ll be the one to go against the grain and say NTA. Kids/Teens have to move rooms sometimes when babies are born because it’s easier to have them nearby the parents room. However, she’s definitely reacting like this because she feels replaced, and you need to have a serious conversation about what this means and make some effort to be together just the two of you like before, even if it’s less frequent.

u/WrongEnd3018 May 09 '22

YTA. Idk what all has gone on, but I'm pretty sure you are leaving out info judging by how done your daughter is with the situation. Have fun never seeing her again. If you force her to come home I can guarantee she will cut all contact with you once she is legally an adult. Great job at driving away your daughter and making her completely despise you. You've probably given her a bunch of issues that she will need to work out in therapy.

u/Chillisa98 May 08 '22

YTA While I totally understand where you're coming from you really need to stop and think about what you would do in her situation at her age. She no longer has her mother and now her father doesn't have time for her. Now you're taking her safest space away from her. A bedroom is very important to a teenager and not a priority for an infant. You have two other bedrooms to rotate sleeping schedules with your wife so you both get sleep while still having someone in the master with your son. If you don't want to walk across the hall to your son why even move him to another room? Just leave him in the master with one parent that can easily take care of him every night. Again that's rotating because your wife just pushed a baby out of her and needs rest to recover. As for your daughter. You need to sit down and listen to her, not talk, listen to how she's feeling and give her your full attention. It might take time for her to trust you fully again, that's not at all her fault and you need to give her that time and continue listening to her. You also need to acknowledge that you messed up and make a plan with her on how you can fix this. Your wife should also get some one on one time with her if you want them to have a good relationship.

u/LostForgotnCelt May 08 '22

Congratulations! Your daughter will hate you and feel unloved and abandoned for the rest of her life. YTA your daughter deserves a better father.

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u/WilyDeject May 09 '22

Everyone saying why can't you move into the smaller room, but that's two people moving into a smaller room to be closer instead of moving just one.

That being said, sounds like YTA for not communicating with Harper and taking her feelings into consideration. End of the day, it's your house, so you can technically make the decision, but you also get to reap what you sow.

u/Coldaf Jul 18 '22

As someone who grew up in a house with a family who didnt have expendable income to like… buy another house because one of us was upset- I had to shift rooms. My parents would always spring it on me and do it on a weekend day where they could help me move all my stuff. It was also like, a fun event where they helped me rearrange everything how I wanted. Sounds like you literally told her in the middle of the night to pack her shit alone lmfao what the fuck

u/armywalrus Jul 25 '22

YTA. Get your lazy ass up and go to the other side of the house, or move YOUR room to the other side of the house. In addition, you are horrible, taking away Harper's time to spend with you. Hire help or ask a family member, but you do need to make time for you daughter. Wtf is wrong with you? Yes, throwing your daughter to the side in favor of your son makes you the asshole. You didn't even TRY to keep spending those two days with her. That's fucked up. I am glad Harper is living in a place where the people who say they love her actually value her enough to make the effort to act like it, unlike you.

u/Lady_Locket May 08 '22

YTA

The only way I could see asking her to move would have worked is if you had framed it as she could now have both other bedrooms (knocked through or with a joining door) and made it her private bedroom/lounge situation. Decorating and finding furniture for it could have been a project you could bond together over, with or without your new wife’s input but that would be entirely dependent on what your daughter and your daughter alone is comfortable with.

Other than this scenario you've basically signalled to her that the new child and your ‘new’ family take precedence over her wants and needs. It is just setting her up to resent the new baby/wife even more than she would have naturally. In her eyes, it's a punishment, without notice you are taking something from her without an equal or better replacement on offer.

u/Pumpernickelbrot Asshole Aficionado [16] May 08 '22

YTA

Move in one of the bedrooms across the hall yourself and have Mark in the other one.

Imagine how your daughter must feel. Her mother isn't in her life. Her quality-time that she used to spend with dad was taken away. And now you want to kick her out of her room? That's mean. A little more empathy would be good. And maybe at least 2 days father daughter days a month if weekly isn't possible anymore...

u/101037633 May 08 '22

Congratulations. You made your daughter decide to go no contact with you. For sure, we aren’t getting the full story from ‘dad.’ He’s done a lot more awful things to this girl. Proof. His own brother has sided with his niece and is allowing her to stay with him.

YTA.

u/Lezz_1998 May 14 '22

Honestly your losing your real daughter! Bc one if something happens between you and your wife she’s taking HER kid with her…and of course getting full custody bc that kid ain’t yours at all so I rather do everything to get back my real kid over some other kid that is not your it my sound bad but that’s how I think and also is my opinion I have 😅

u/IanDOsmond Partassipant [3] May 09 '22

INFO: How big is the house, and how long does it take to walk from your bedroom to one of the other ones?

u/ForsakenDrag1797 May 08 '22

YTA- you don’t want to walk across the house give up your master bedroom and move into one of the regular bedrooms next to your son. You just showed your daughter that she comes behind your son since you stopped doing things with her doing those 2 days with her ( I can get not doing it every week but still scheduling special activities and time with just her should have still happened ) and now even her room can be taken by the new baby. You’ve shown her that her and her stuff is second to your wife and new baby. You’ve made her feel like an outsider and replaceable in her own home and family. No wonder she isn’t talking to you

u/mrgn4 May 09 '22 edited May 09 '22

NTAH. People normally put babies closest to their rooms. It's not like you kicked her out of the house.

Edit: I guess it matters HOW it was brought up to her. If it was a conversation, or just telling her.

u/wsbcfl Jun 15 '22

NTAH my parents had twins when I was a teen and I had to move bedrooms and I never got to see my mom bc of double the baby and not enough time, I felt sad bc I wanted more time with my mom but I knew that she had her hands full with the babies! I think your daughter is overreacting and being dramatic! Like I get it’s a big life adjustment having a new baby brother after being an only child for many years but damn she sounds like a whiny child who always got her way and now that she can’t get her way she is making you bend over backwards for her (and you did that to yourself) she sounds like an entitled brat! Like I knew my parents still loved me after the babies and I knew they just didn’t have the time! Like that’s life and if she is acting this way now when something else big in her life happens then she is going to be in a world of hurt! Also your family is shameful is they can’t accept the fact how your son was brought into this world!

u/Heraonolympia123 Partassipant [3] May 08 '22 edited May 08 '22

Did you even talk to Harper about the changes a new baby would bring BEFORE your wife got pregnant? Did you explain you wouldn’t have those 2 days, that you would be tired but she was equally loved and wanted?

And when she was clearly not adjusting, why didn’t you move to the spare rooms (nursery and you) and let her keep hers? It was temporary for you, once baby slept through, you’d have been back but you decided to permanently move your daughter instead because it was easier for you.

YTA so much

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u/LadyKnightAngie Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

YTA. You are an AWFUL parent. You’ve clearly replaced Harper already, and she sees it.

u/Working_Chocolate92 May 08 '22

YTA. You totally put your daughter at the bottom of your priorities and made her feel unimportant, then you expect her to be okay with everything, especially at 14? Cut out all time you spent with her, want her to change her room for this new sibling that has taken away all attention from her. Try to see it from her side. She feels discarded. Wouldn't you?

u/VoodooDuck614 Partassipant [1] May 08 '22

Are the bedrooms on different levels of the house? Are the other 2 non-Master rooms able to be combined or expanded to give her approximately the same set up?

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u/Ok-Repeat1197 May 09 '22

YTA. I don’t get the two whole days together alone thing? Like you’d go to a hotel? Never hang out at home with your wife and your daughter?

You set this up, as a child of divorced parents, you very specifically and deliberately have excluded her from your “new” family.

It’s good to have time together but to go from two days to nothing? Harsh! You certainly showed her exactly how important she is to you.

The fact that your wife was ok with this just goes to show you have two separate families and she has also been feeling excluded. Do you realize how manipulative you are? You’ve been playing them off each other and obviously your family knows you and understands the situation.

You literally had 4 more years with your daughter in your home before she leaves for school and chooses to move out as an adult. Those are important years.

You need to do some serious introspection and take off your defensive glasses.

u/Athena8012 May 09 '22

YTA. You have completely lost your daughter at this point. Your relationship will never be the same.

u/Drika16 Jun 09 '22

Although I believe this guy loves his daughter, OP is definitely the AH in the situation but there are things that made me uneasy reading the update.

The stepmom made them move farther away from his family, effectively making it harder for Harper to see her relatives and virtually isolating her by doings so. Also, OP gave the impression to have had a good relationship with his family, seeing as how they were somewhat present is his and his daughter life, with apparently changed when he married.

Now, I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything, I’m just saying he should be careful of Nina and Harper when they are together without him being there; it’s not uncommon for stepparents to mistreat the stepchild when the biological relative isn’t present.

Another thing that may be controversial, seeing how this part of Reddit generally is filled with disfuncional families, but when the familial relationship between parent, child and siblings are healthy and they don’t seem to like the significant other of the son/daughter/sibling, more times than not, the family isn’t the problem. What I’m trying to say is: if his family don’t like the wife, there’s a reason for it!

Maybe Harper is being mistreated, maybe she is not and will or had lied about it, I’m an estranged on the internet so I don’t know their situation, what I know is that she is a teenager and probably fell that her place is being taken by these new people in her dad’s life and he didn’t took the steps to reassure her. It’s not her job to reach out, it’s his to make sure she fell included, specially in big decisions that might affect her future. She’s young but old enough to comprehend when she being pushed aside.

I’m sorry for any grammatical mistakes and if it’s difficult to understand, english is not my first language or one I write with frequency, so if something is a little confusing let me know and I’ll try to clarify.

u/Eab11 May 08 '22

YTA: you won’t even spend quality time with her anymore (“I can’t leave my wife alone with a newborn!!”) for like what, two afternoons a week? If you’re concerned about unbalanced help with a baby at home, you could offer to spend time with the baby alone in return so your wife can go out/have free afternoons.

Also, taking the kids room for a new baby? You’re clearly playing favorites. Clearly.

u/[deleted] Aug 03 '22

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u/wanderingwoman70 May 08 '22

YTA you made your daughter feel like your son was more important and she doesn't matter anymore, and literally kicked her out of her bedroom for your son, what just so you don't have to walk a few more steps to a bedroom further away? YTA

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

YTA. Harper didn't ask for this baby so why is she the one having to make the sacrifice?

u/[deleted] May 08 '22

wow just wow, better off at you brother’s house not even in her own room, than one of the 4 (!!!) in her own house. yta.

u/h_m_b_o May 08 '22

YTA. How big is your house? Are you having to trek for a mile to get to the other side of the house? 🤣

u/jjandia4 May 08 '22

Harper’s smart to leave with her uncle.

YTA.