You may have noticed (we hope, but probably not) that our auto-note on posts has recently changed. Specifically, it now starts with:
Do not comment on the original posts
Commenting on the original posts is known as brigading, and brigading is something that Reddit does not allow. The idea is that Reddit does not want users from one sub heading to another sub to manipulate votes or change the mood/response that members of another subreddit had.
For instance, if we were an anti-cake subreddit, and we all posted links to posts from cake subs that we especially didn't like, and our members went over to the cake sub to tell people we hate their lousy, crappy, dry, unoriginal cakes and that pie is far superior, that would be brigading. Likewise, if a lot of members loved pies, and some members occasionally posted links from a pie sub so that our members would head over there to talk about the lovely, amazing, delicious pies, that would still be considered brigading, even though it is positive.
Now that we have the 7 day rule (all updates/final posts must be at least 7 days old in order to be posted here) it is VERY easy to tell when our members are brigading another sub. It's easy for us to tell, and it's easy for Reddit to tell. Even if you don't comment on our BoRU post, but head over to one of the original posts to comment, it is assumed that you saw the post from the sub that just published it and that dozens (or hundreds) of people didn't randomly discover an old post and start commenting on it and that just happened by magically be at the same time that the story went up on BoRU.
Several lovely subs that posters get a fair bit of material from are considering no longer allowing cross-posting because of brigading. Because of this, we are going to be changing our policies on brigading. Previously, if someone commented on one of the original posts, we banned them until they removed their comments, then unbanned them.
Because of the uptick in bans (and quite a few people being repeatedly banned then unbanned), we will no longer be removing bans for brigaging.
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Please help us follow Reddit's rules and refrain from commenting on the original posts.
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Editing to add u/amireallyreal's excellent further explanation of why this is important. Bolded emphasis is mine:
One issue when 80 people comment on a post that is 7 days old or more, is that it does look a lot like a coordinated effort, especially if the majority of those comments are rude, critical, aggressive, or demanding. There doesn't really need to be one unifying post/comment on our sub saying "yeah, let's target THIS post" for it to set off all the red flags that indicate brigading.
Moreover, the mods of other subs don't like it. They don't like having to go to a post that's 7+ days old to lock threads, remove abusive comments, and ban people. It adds a lot of extra work to their plate on top of the regular work they have to do on current posts to maintain their subs. We want to respect the mods of the subs we pull content from. Without their work, there would be no BoRu.
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CONCLUDED OP Wonders If He Is The AH for not paying Rent To His Parents New Update (AITA Nov 24, '22)
Originally posted by in r/AmItheAsshole on Sept 25, '22, updated Nov 5th and Nov 24th
I (18m) live with my parents, Ive been paying rent since I was 16 since my parents would be financially fucked if I wasn't helping out. A few my parents told me they are seeing someone and that their relationship is open. I didn't give a shit since it wasn't affecting me until this guy they are seeing started staying nights. He treat this place like its his, tries to tell me what to do and eats all our (MY) food. I tried talking to my parents about it but they just said its their house so they can have who they want here.
I really tried to put up with it until this guy tried to discipline my dog. I flipped my shit, it was most certainly not the way you discipline a dog and Im already sick of his shit. I yelled the house down, calling him all sorts, like "dumb c*nt" "piece of shit free loader" and some more vile shit thats probably way to fucked up to say here. My parents rushed to see whats going on and tell me off but instead I told them off calling them terrible parents, that they can shove their house up their ass and that I'm not going to pay rent to live in a house i have no say in. That "dumb c*nt" can cover my rent.
Ive since been staying with my boyfriend. My parents recently texted me asking for my rent. I told them to fuck off and reminded them of what I said. I feel like Im not wrong to not pay rent anymore but I went so overboard with my words. AITA
NTA; they turned you into a paying tenant at 16 and I'm glad you're out. Do you have your dog with you? That would've been the final straw for me as well.
Yeah I have my dog with me, were attached at the hip unless I'm going to work.
RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP
When I was 12 my 4 year old sister drowned. I was playing playstation instead of watching her while my parents were in the shed smoking ice (meth). Since then they blamed me and use it to guilt trip me into a lot of shit. Ive only somewhat recently realised its their fucking fault and not mine thanks to my boyfriend. I hate them for it, and wish it was them.
Yeah, this is a long line of bullshit from them I'm just sick of. Ive had to support them for so long and my mum even refuses to work while I'm paying half the rent and utilities and all of the food they eat. I feel like im the fucking parent half the time.
Its been over a week since I posted. Thank you guys for your Judgments and advice. I have blocked my parents on everything and have gone no contact. After just over a week I already feel like a new person without them in my lives. My boyfriend has been my rock through all this, I was a mess of tears and anger the first few days and he's the one who got me through it. Im currently staying with him (renting) but we have been looking for our own place together since the lease on the current place runs out soon. I went to my gp and got a mental health plan done up so I should be seeing a therapist soon, free of charge. Its not a huge update but Im doing a lot better in so little time from just cutting them out of my life, Im looking forward to the future.
Hey, I thought I would update for the people who have asked. Oh, and before I forget, I need to pay my dog tax here.
Me and my boyfriend are now in a new place that we are renting together. We just moved in a week ago so have been pretty busy. It feels good to share a house as equals with the man you love. My dog has settled in nicely and seems like even he is doing better out of that environment, he especially loves living with my boyfriend.
As for my parents, I haven't heard from them at all since I have their numbers blocked and they don't know where I live. But I did hear from some family that their boyfriend ran out one night, and they woke up to a lot of their valuables and cash gone. Who could of seen that coming.
And as for me, I've been seeing a therapist. It's been going well. I've been put on anti depressants as well since I've been diagnosed with depression, a few other things, and co-morbid PTSD. Im still obviously a work in progress, but I feel like it's a very good start to getting better. The first few sessions were hard, though, and I had to have my boyfriend with me during them, but its gotten easier to talk to my therapist, and I no longer need my boyfriend there. For once, Im looking forward to the future.
trigger warning: miscarriage
TLDR; Boyfriend cheated, I want to believe it was a one time thing and forgive him and enjoy our vacation but don't know how.
I (30F) have been in a seemingly happy relationship for a little over 3 years. My boyfriend (32M) is wonderful. We have lived together for about 2 years, rarely ever argue, we have so much in common and honestly he is my best friend. I love him and know that I want to marry this man. He flew to his hometown yesterday, I flew down this morning and we are both catching a plane in the morning to go on vacation together for 6 days with 2 other friends of ours. Everything is paid for and cancellations are not possible this last minute. I've been in our hotel room bawling my eyes out and dry heaving for the past 2 hours.
I ubered from the airport and when he came down to help me with my bags I immediately knew something was wrong. He looked like hell and was visibly nervous. Once we got into the hotel room he started tearing up and told me he had something to tell me, that he knows I'm going to leave him but he can't keep a secret like that from me. He explained how he and a few of his childhood friends all went to a bar and he ran into a girl he went to college with. They never had sex but did go on a few dates almost 7 years ago. She invited him and a group of other people back to her house where they all proceeded to get drunk and do cocaine all night (I know about the occasional cocaine use) and just catch up.
Basically he and the college friend ended up having sex and then she drove him to our hotel early this morning. He hasn't talked to her since and swears that it means absolutely nothing. He said she's not even attractive and that he was just fucked up. He says it was a big mistake and is begging for my forgiveness. A huge part of me wants to ask for every last detail but I'm scared to know that there is potentially more to the story. I don't know. I want to forgive him and enjoy our time away but I truly don't know how.
Are there such occasions where you really can't help yourself and it really was a spur of the moment mistake? Or is there something hidden beneath the surface and my happy relationship has been anything but this whole time?
Update in comments
After basically begging him he told me the name of the girl and I reached out to her. I called her and put her on speaker so we all three could talk. Unfortunately, I'm learning the situation was much worse than the story originally told and I will be on a flight home in a few hours.
This other girl is not unattractive.
The sex was not protected.
He and her had been flirty the entire 3 hours before they finally had sex. Hand holding, sitting on his lap, making out a lot, he gave her oral sex and basically the sex lasted quite awhile with various things being done. Not like the coked out unpleasant quickie I was told about.
I feel like I want to die.
First I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me. I appreciate all the kind messages, words of advice and even some of the more harsher messages and comments. You guys have helped more than you could imagine.
I flew home this morning, took a nap, packed some of my things, took our cat and am staying with a friend for the 6 days he's away. He didn't want to go on the trip but I insisted. I told him if he has ever loved me, to please give me the time and space I deserve. Unfortunately, our relationship is broken beyond repair. The reasoning behind why he cheated doesn't matter because the fact remains that he did. That in all of our time together I've never even considered or wondered about another man and the first chance he got, he chose to have unsafe sex with someone else. I believe that he loves me and quite possibly is sorry. I don't however believe that he has any respect for me or our life together. I don't know that I'd ever forgive him or trust him again. No respect and no trust means no relationship.
We do have a shared life so the ending of this relationship is not quite as easy as me packing and leaving and not looking back. We have shared accounts, both of our names on our lease, shared phone plans and car insurance. Basically, the next few weeks are going to be rough.
I have no idea if anyone cares about the outcome of this situation but it is almost cathartic to write it all down so i'm doing it anyway. I finally have a calm moment to sit at my computer and compose a logical thought.
Upon me returning home he and I had very little communication at my request. I had originally planned to spend the week at my friend's home to process this life altering event but early this afternoon he texted me telling me he was home. Now, some people might think that shows a lot of effort on his part, that he's remorseful and rather than enjoy his vacation he flew home to talk. Perhaps I would feel that way too except I asked for space. I told him that if he had ever loved me he would give me time alone. He couldn't even give me that.
I agreed to meet with him at our apartment to talk. I only wanted to talk about and sort out all the details. Our finances, home, etc. We agreed on paying to break our lease, to stay on the insurance policy and phone plan together for now but unenroll auto pay so we're able to make our payments separately. I also asked for him to reimburse me for what I paid towards the vacation from hell. I wanted to wrap things up enough in that moment to where I would have to see and speak to him as little as possible. I know that some communication in the future will be inevitable but right now I can't deal with it. I told him he can stay in our apartment until we have to leave. I packed some more of my things and left.
I don't know if he looked upset or if he was crying. I honestly barely heard anything he had to say because I was so enraged at the person in front of me, a complete stranger. I don't know if the past 3 years were all a lie, I don't know if he has cheated before or that he would cheat on me again. All I am sure of is that he was capable of lying and cheating now. I refuse to be another cautionary tale of a woman who loved someone more than herself so she forgave a cheater only to be cheated on again.
There is a big difference between guilt and remorse.
Thank you to everyone that has commented or reached out after my last two posts. I first want to say that I am doing okay, even after what I am going to say in this post, I'm okay. I am going to attempt to make this as brief as possible because I can't give this situation any more of my heart or energy. But it will most likely be long. Here we go.
I am all moved out of the apartment, my things going into storage because I am still staying in my friend's home for the time being. This break up has proved to be financially burdensome but somehow money has managed to be the least stressful part of this ordeal. It turns out that I never knew the man I shared my life with for the past 3 years. My ex and I ended up having a conversation on the last day of us moving out. He seemed apologetic and sad and asked if we could talk. He said that he loves me, that he will always love me and he wants us to stay together. He apologized and said he would stop bullshitting, no more lies. I didn't feel the need to have a conversation but I did have just one question. I asked him "why?"
I never could have imagined in a million years that he would tell me that the reason he cheated was because I miscarried 6 months ago. Especially because of how supportive and loving he was during that period in our lives, I felt blindsided and betrayed. He said that he knows that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done differently but it had caused him to resent me. That he was angry. He said he knew how this sounded which is why he never talked to me about it. He didn't want to hurt me - ha. I of course at this point felt sick.
My heart hurt in ways I never knew possible. Even the death of my father did not hurt in ways his words and actions were hurting me. Here is this man that I have unconditionally loved and supported for over three years. I was his biggest cheerleader in life, encouraged him to be his own person and to still live his own life. I wanted him to be happy. We never went to bed mad at each other, we never called each other names, we never not kissed each other goodnight or goodbye in the morning. Our relationship seemedgreat and yet he's telling me for the last six months he has resented me, borderline hated me at times.
He admitted to downloading Tinder and chatting with women over the last six months. He swore that it never became sexual up until the night he cheated and that was only because they had history. I have no clue if that is true. Honestly, I don't care whether or not it is. The cheating is minimal compared to the words he just spoke. We were both crying and I handed him my keys for him to turn in. I gave him a hug and told him that he needs therapy and that I never want to speak to or see him again. I have a therapy appointment next week and will start to work on healing.
I am looking at potentially getting a loan so I can get out of anything left that we have shared. I also want to look into moving to a different city but that is still up in the air. I have changed my phone number and blocked him everywhere. There was never a chance of him and I getting back together and this just solidifies my decision. This will most likely be my last post on the subject but I once again thank each and every one of you.
I thought my last update would really be the last but a lot has happened in such a short amount of time, I figured I could close this chapter with a neat little bow.
First, I want to say thank you to each and every person that commented or messaged from either post. The outpouring of love is more than I could ever have imagined receiving from strangers. I see so many post on here with much worse stories and I don't know what I did to deserve the love and support, but I am eternally grateful.
Second and finally, me and my ex have not talked. There is absolutely no way for him to reach me directly as I ended up moving in with a different friend for the time being, he does not know about this. He still thinks I am at friend A's home and communicates with her if there is anything that needs to be said in regards to business matters. She does not allow him to talk about anything personal and if he does, she does not pass it along. We have zero things connecting us at this point.
In my last post I talked about possibly moving cities and well, that happened! I was offered a job I had been trying to get for quite some time and the position finally opened up. I have been working from home for about a week, will work from home for another week and then I move!! Rhonda (Kitty) is probably not going to be too thrilled but we have a vet appointment for some kitty meds to hopefully ease the transition. She's top priority, always.
I love my new job, I love my friends, and I love where my life is headed. I wish nothing bad for my ex and have no ill will towards him and truly hope he can find peace in his life. Often what we lose is nothing compared to what we gain, it's just getting past our human ego and being able to see it.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for coming along on this journey with me. I wish you all happiness and love in your lives xx
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA for taking away my daughters bedroom and giving it to my son?
I(M32) have a daughter Harper(F14) from a previous relationship. I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life.
5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31) we tried to have a child but couldn't. We went to the doctor and turned out I can't have anymore kids due to some complications. We decided to use an sperm donor and the result was a son, Mark, who was born a few months ago.
The problems started when Nina got pregnant. Harper wasn't happy about it. When Mark was born things got worse. Before this Harper and I used to spend 2 days a week together, just the 2 of us without my wife but after Mark was born I couldn't do that anymore. I can't just leave my wife alone for 2 days a week with a newborn and Harper has been very angry about it.
The main problem started 3 days ago. Nina and I decided to make a nursery for Mark instead of having him in our bedroom for multiple reasons.
Our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 master bedrooms at one side and 2 bedrooms at the other side. One of the master rooms is ours, the other one is Harpers. It was very hard for Nina and I to go to the other side of the home multiple times at night when Mark wakes up so I asked Harper pack her stuff and go to one of the bedrooms so that we could give her room to Mark. At first everything seemed alright. She said ok and went to her room and started packing but less than an hour later my brother showed up at our home, asking for Harper. She had called him and asked him to take her. She came out of her room with her stuff, told me "you can give it to your son now" and left with my brother. I told her she could only go for one night but it has been 3 days and she is not back and wont even talk to me.
Im receiving calls from my family all calling me an AH and other names.
I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper. She was the first grandchild in our family and everyone's favorite also they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet so I decided to post here and get some unbiased opinions. AITA?
Edit: Here is the update that I promised
I realized I've messed up so I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her, saying she doesn't want to see me.
He said he would only let her go back if:
She wanted to go with me
We move to another home close to their home because they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away which made Harper very sad.
Harper will get to choose which bedroom she wants in our new home
I should spend 1 on 1 time with Harper at least one day a week
Which I accepted.
This caused a lot of problems since my wife doesn't like some of those conditions. she thinks they are not reasonable. She got angry, took Mark and went to her parents home and is staying there so now I'm also receiving texts from my inlaws calling me an AH.
Right now Im looking for a new home that is closer to my brother's home
I called Harper and my brother convinced her to talk to me for once. she was crying the whole time while telling me that she felt like I didn't want her anymore. Hearing her cry like that really broke my heart. I honestly never meant to hurt her.
After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me. I will go to my brother's home everyday to spend time with Her. She has also finally agreed to come home with me when I find a new home.
Reminder — I am not the original poster.
This one was originally posted in BORU 2 years ago by u/bestupdator. I found it while doing a deep dive in the sub today and wanted to re-share.
JNMIL = just no mother-in-law
DW = Dear/Darling Wife
DD = Dear Daughter
Trigger Warnings: homophobia, abuse, mention of stalking
Mood Spoiler: The homophobe stays a homophobe, but the wives are alright
Original Post: May 25, 2020
When DW [32f] and I [36f] got engaged, JNMIL broke down sobbing, and said “When will you stop being a lesbian and marry [school friend who stalked her for years]?” Needless to say, she wasn’t invited to the wedding.
Because she wasn’t there, she refused to acknowledge that it happened. She’ll tell anyone who’ll listen that it doesn’t “count” and that I’m a predator who preyed on her young, confused daughter. (We met when we were 25 and 29 respectively, and DW exclusively had gfs before me.)
Fast forward to today. DW and I aren’t hugely ambitious; we have jobs that pay the mortgage and bills and enough for the occasional treat, and that’s all we need. JNMIL says that if not for me, DW would be a CEO or doctor or president by now, and that in my jealousy, I forced her to become my housewife. Even though she works.
In truth, we’d both rather have the time and energy to spend on our creative hobbies and each other. But okay.
I am currently working from home. On my lunch break, I went for my daily walk, when a car pulls up to me. It’s JNMIL, leaning out the window. She’s all smiles. She asks how I am, isn’t the weather great, it’s so amazing to see me up and about, I’m such an inspiration to her! (Note: I have one leg.)
I don’t have much of a chance to reply. She says it must be hard for me to be nearing 40 and still live with a “roommate.” I’m used to her BS, but I stopped dead, seeing red. She offered me a gift of 10k for “being such a good friend to her daughter” and to “help me move into my own place.”
Guys. It’s been seven years, and I thought she couldn’t do anything to surprise me, but she keeps out-doing herself.
"Said stalker was a close friend of DW while in school. He confessed he’d fallen in love with DW, and she (nicely) pointed out she was gay, it wasn’t going to happen. Stalker didn’t let up for almost a decade. MIL refers to them as “childhood sweethearts,” which tells you everything about her!"
"DW has has been LC since she was 19, when MIL kicked her out, making her homeless, and NC for a few years. The reason she drove around looking for me is that she knows she’s blocked everywhere. If it wouldn’t be used to control us, I’d take that 10k and use it to move us both away, lol."
As to if they can move:
"We really love our house (did a lot of work on it, built a huge catio for our cats), but it’s looking like more and more of an option. It’d be nice not to tense up every time a car drives by.
ETA: DD also lives close by, and we wouldn’t want to move more than a few miles from her, in a worst case scenario."
Although many say take the money in run, someone cautions OOP about doing that
"MIL has a LOT of money, so there’d definitely be contracts involved.
DW gave up on having a mother after she was kicked out as a teen and left homeless, and we have both been NC with her for years. Sadly, having money and contacts makes her think she can do anything she wants.
Thank you for your kind words. And it’s so wonderful to hear you supporting your daughter like that!"
Update Post: June 2, 2020
Hey, all. Thanks so much for all your advice and supportive comments on my last post!
I waited a day to tell DW about my run-in with JNMIL. I was more than a little shaken and didn’t want to upset DW by bringing up JNMIL at a bad time.
After making sure I was okay, DW broke down laughing. She hasn’t spoken with her mother in around three years and was delighted she hasn’t changed. She reminded me of the dozen times JNMIL offered to buy DW and her imaginary future husband a house and car if she left me. We aren’t taking the money, but we treated ourselves to a fancy camera doorbell to keep an eye out for any more JNMIL antics and keep DD safe.
Not the most exciting conclusion, but there it is!
Comment about DD:
"We have a very unconventional but wonderful situation with regards to DD (DW didn’t meet her until she was almost 3, and the whole explanation would need its own post!), but JNMIL absolutely doesn’t consider her as anything resembling family. Which has been a blessing, trust me."
Wherever OOP, her wife and daughter are, I hope they are doing great and living their best lives.
trigger warning: potential grooming
I walked in on my son having sex with my brother's wife - 13 July 2020
I (44F) walked in on my son (18M) having sex with my sister in law (34F)(brothers wife) in a cabin and I think they have been having sex for a while.
My brother(37M) moved in with us in February with his wife and 2 children, my husband(44M) and I have big house on a farm (my husband is a farmer) and with everyone working from home we thaught it would be a good chance to stay together as family and for my nieces to spend time on the farm. I have 3 children and all of them live with us the oldest is 18M and the other two are 16F and 13F.
On the day my brother arrived I went to buy groceries with my son and he went to the pharmacy to get his gym supplements and I baught the food. I saw condoms in my sons plastic bag when we arrived at the house two packs with 36 condoms each so 72 in total( didn't think anything of it thaught he had gotten a GF and wanted to be safe). Everything was fine every one got along my SIL and son would go on an early run around the farm everything seemed normal until last month when they left on their run but I was up baking and I never saw them make any rounds around the farm which was weird, I asked about it and they said they decided to hit the road (i thaught nothing of this everything seemed normal). My SIL and son seemed to have a very good bond.
Yesterday I was coming from a friend's house early in the morning the Sun wasn't up yet and it was little dark but I saw that the cabin we have in the farm was open and the light was on (I thaught maybe one of the employees had forgotten to lock up), so I went to close the door and switch off the light as I got closer I heard people having sex and I took a peak and it was my son and SIL having sex, I didn't confront them I was so in shock.
I still haven't told anyone what I saw and I don't know what to do, should I confront them, should I tell my brother, should I tell my husband I'm so confused. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm sure they have been having sex for a while from the condoms (my son was always at the house never brought a GF), the morning runs around the farm( do they really go on a run or do they have sex), the close relationship.
I first want to thank everyone for all the advice I got from my original post, im sorry for not replying to any comments, (I think I only replied to one comment) my head was all over the place. I'll try to keep this update short.
As was suggested by many of the comments I decided to tell my husband first and proceed from there, my husband lost it(he first thaught it was a joke). We talked about the issue and we decided we should first talk to our son before telling my brother.
We confronted our son with what I saw, he already knew what was going on as he saw my reddit post and put 2 and 2 together, he didn't deny anything he confessed, he told us him and SIL have been having sex since February last year( he was 17 at the time). My son said it started on SIL's birthday party he attended they got drunk and had sex in a bathroom and they have been meeting at hotels ever since and sneaking off at family gatherings.
After my son's confession my husband just lost it and told my son to leave the house and go and to our condo in town as he didn't want to see him in front of him at this moment. When my son was gone my husband stormed into my brother's room and told my brother everything( SIL was not in the house at that moment).
My brother lost it and packed his stuff took the kids and left, he asked where my son had gone he said he wanted to teach him lesson, we didn't tell him and he eventually left. SIL didn't return I think my brother might have called her or my son warned her and she is afraid to come back(her things are still in the house).
In all the screaming and shouting my daughter's heard everything and are devastated that their family might be ruined they miss their brother and are afraid my husband won't ever let him in the house again.( my husband hates all forms of infidelity to the core and has always drilled this in our 2 eldest children that they must never cheat on anyone or be in a relationship with someone in a relationship)
I know I did nothing wrong in this but how will I ever look my brother in the eye again, he won't answer and calls or text my husband said i should give him time to heal. My son has left the condo because he is afraid of what my brother will do to him and is now hiding at a friend's and he won't tell us which friend. No word on SIL.
INFO: SIL was the one who initiated sex the first time my son and her slept together, she was the one booking hotel rooms, buying my son dinners and lunches, my son was even receiving an allowance from her.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warnings: bullying
mood spoilers: happy
My (28 female) and husband (29 male) have a daughter Payton (7 female).
Payton goes to a small school with 20 kids in her grade. Her birthday party is next month and we sent out invitations to her friends at school. We invited the whole class except one student.
The student we did not invite has bullied Payton several times (we’ve had meetings with the school and parents). Obviously Payton doesn’t want this kid at her party.
The other girls mother called me to talk about it saying how now her daughter is crying she was the only kid not invited and everyone at school is talking about the party. (Payton’s parties are known by her classmates to be very over the top). I explained her daughter isn’t nice to my daughter and that’s the reason she wasn’t invited (the mother knows this). The mother said I’m teaching my child to be a “bully” and use her wealth to make friends. I disagreed.
The mother then asked if she had her daughter apology and write Payton a letter we could reconsider. I told her we would not and it has become a big deal every time I see the mom.
Edit for questions:
Invitations were not handed out in the classroom. I handed them to parents directly.
I’ve seen a few people ask exactly what kind of bullying has occurred. So I’ll give a couple examples from last year and this year.
- one time Payton came home crying because the little girl was so mean to her. Telling her she wasn’t pretty, too chubby, etc.
- Payton has come home crying several times because the girl has told her there’s no way she’s a cheerleader (Payton does cheering on weekends) because she wasn’t “pretty”.
- she has told Payton she couldn’t play with the rest of the girls in the class when they were all playing jump rope at recess. The other girls told her to let Payton play so when it was Payton’s turn the girl purposely got her “out” by not swinging the rope nicely. The teacher saw that happen.
- she’s called Payton a cry baby.
And this is only a couple of the incidents that happened.
Payton’s party was today. She had so much fun. The student that was not invited did show up but did not make it past the community gate. In our neighborhood you have to have someone at the gate in order for people to enter.
We had face painting, balloon animals, a bounce house, an obstacle course, a magic show, and character appearances. We even had a life size Barbie box for pictures and pink everything. There was activities for the kids to do and everything was a hit. Also thank you to the commenter who suggested swag bags. We did have them and the kids loved it!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warnings: Stalking
mood spoilers: Good ending
Do I need a lawyer for an age discrimination lawsuit? - Nov 12 2018
Please hear me out.
I met up with a guy from Plenty of Fish. He seemed normal when we were talking. So I meet him at the restaurant and there is an obviously much older man than the 30 year old that he claimed to be. I sat down and I told him I was under the assumption he was younger and he had told me he was younger. He claimed they were older pictures and that it must have been a typo (although his profile also said 30) and that he was actually 45 years old. I told him I was not interested in someone almost 20 years older than me and I wished him well. He began to raise his voice a little saying he had already ordered a dish and wine for me and I needed to sit down and eat with him. I went to the bartender and gave a brief explanation of what had happened and the manager walked me to my car while the bartender stayed with the guy to make sure he didn’t follow me.
I went about my merry way for a couple of months before I was served at work with papers stating I was being sued. I called the attorney listed to verify and he confirmed that they were real, he was a client and I was being sued the cost of the entire dinner and his travel expenses because I used his age as discrimination, which was also illegal. I made the mistake of giving him my last name, which is not common and he found my employer on Facebook. Everything has since been locked down or deleted.
Now, again, hear me out. I know this will get thrown out. I’m fully aware he’s crazy. Do I need to get a lawyer for this? Money has been tight and I’m paying off student loans galore. Is it possible to walk in the court room and represent myself and not be completely murdered by their attorney? Any and all advice is so completely welcome!
A comment with some legalese by u/taterbizkit
Something like detrimental reliance (I'm out all of this money based on a promise you made that you didn't keep -- I relied on your promise to my detriment) is an equitable claim (a type of claim for damages or relief not based in ordinary principles of law).
No-showing a date under ordinary circumstances wouldn't give rise to a detrimental reliance claim. Under circumstances where it was even conceivable, it would be limited to things she knew about ahead of time -- like if there was substantial travel expense involved for him. Him ordering food or wine without her knowing about it isn't going to be recoverable -- even if it was a $5000 bottle of wine. That said, it's baked into the whole concept of dating that no one is required to participate or remain in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. So like, maybe for a no-show but it's a stretch. Show up, "ew", later bro -- is within the scope of normal dating procedure.
But even so, of the many rules involved in equitable claims, one of them is "to get equity, one must do equity" -- the reason for the failure can't be rooted in something you did in bad faith. Even if there were some substance behind a claim for damages for a ruined date, he misrepresented his age by 15 years. That's bad faith right there.
Detrimental reliance (or "quasi-contract" or "promissory estoppel") is more appropriate for a situation where a unilateral promise is made (which is unenforceable under most circumstances) with the intent to get the other person to do or not do something. It doesn't matter if it was inadvertent or not malicious. The promissor has to know that the promisee would suffer some detriment or change of circumstance if the promisee relies on the promise.
Your employer tells you that you've been with the company long enough that whenever you decide to retire, you'll get half your pay for the rest of your life. You retire, and after a couple of months the checks stop coming. The promise was unilateral, so it's unenforceable under an ordinary legal claim. But you wouldn't have retired if the promise hadn't been made, and your employer knows that. The damage to you isn't the loss of a pension (since that was never enforceable). It's the loss of a job. So the employer should make good on the promise for a reasonable time while you look for a new job.
UPDATE - Nov 25 2018
First, thank you all so so much for the kind words and suggestions. I even saw that it made best of legal advice and was floored by the over whelming support from both communities!
Unfortunately, this update has good and bad in it.
I did find an attorney to help me. I made an appointment and tearfully explained my situation begging him to let me make payments as I could only afford such and such amount but I could sell my car if needed. Not sure if it was because of the holidays or he just wanted me out of his office (I kid, he was so nice and understanding) but he told me not to worry about it and I could make a donation or volunteer at a charity. He agreed to start off with a very strongly worded letter and we would keep in contact from there to see what happened.
I don’t want to go into much detail just in case, but law enforcement is now involved. I am ok and unharmed, that’s all that matters. What I am able to give out due to it being reported on was after having to change my phone number, he attempted to show up at my apartment and waved a gun at security when they told him they wouldn’t let him in. However, there is now another investigation as he may be linked to another criminal case in my area.
Again, thank you all for the kind words and support. Just wanted to give you guys some closure while I was getting mine :-)
Edit: I did want to add an answer to a big question I left out previously because I was unsure if I should have disclosed it, that previously the amount of damages he was looking at originally was over $6.5k. He claims the cost of dinner was $250 (it was at a frickin’ restaurant that rhymes with Bolive Darden), his gas guzzler of a car at $150 for mileage, but the best was when we were talking, I had mentioned how I wanted to go to South Africa and he allegedly started buying the works for me. /shrug
But seriously, I know I’ve tried to use some humor in this, but I’m a little broken inside. I’ll be starting therapy soon because it has given me horrible panic attacks and I’ve just been trying to cope with how I could have been a statistic.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST I accidentally found out my fiancée has been creating erotic fan art/fiction for years. I am not judging but when I mentioned it to her, she became furious. I am really confused.
I accidentally found out my (28M) fiancee (27F) has been creating erotic fan art/fiction for years. I am not judging but when I mentioned it to her, she became furious (I have never seen her so upset). I am really confused. - 26th April 2020
Me and my fiancée have been together for 6 years now. I love her dearly.
My fiancée has always been huge into drawing in her free time, frankly she is really good at what she does. She has shown me a bunch of stuff in the past and if i recall she always posted it to her deviant art most it is of video game characters. Some of her art work is suggestive.
Yesterday I was talking to a coworker about video games, and I remembered my fiancée did some art for one of the games we were talking about. So I decided try to go and find it. Being lazy I decided to punch in her username into google hoping to find her deviant art.
Except I had a lot more stuff come up. Google showed a bunch of pictures I guess you could call them the NSFW version of art she has done. I ended up clicking on them and being sent to my fiancée's hentai foundry profile.
I just kind of shrugged and didn't care, however in the google search results, I also noticed a link to a Archive of Our Own story with her username. This got me kind of curious so I decided to take a peek expecting it to be just old fan fiction stuff she wrote ages ago. There was a lot of stuff, including recent stuff in her profile. Most of it was I guess what you would call erotic fan fiction.
At this point I found it funny, and when she got home on Friday night I offhandedly mentioned what happened, and how I found it humorous.
She got very very upset at me, and started acting like I caught her cheating or something. I told her several times I am not kink shaming, etc. She told me I violated her privacy and broke our trust. She said that stuff had nothing to do with me and I had no business "snooping". I tried my best to calm her down but she was visibly upset last night.
All of today she has been very upset, to the point where she said she needed to spend some time at her sisters. I have apologized, and told her it was an accident and I have told her several times that I am not being judgmental about what she draws. However she is still very upset.
At this point I am at a loss for what to do.
TL;DR; I found my fiancée has been drawing erotic fan art and writing erotic fan fiction accidentally. She is furious at me. What should I do?
UPDATE - 3rd May 2020
Doing this on a new throwaway because I cannot remember the password to my original throwaway account.
She came back after I sent a large apology message, apologizing for laughing at her fan fiction and it was not done out of malice and more out of awkwardness.
We had a long talk about it, I explained I wasn't that comfortable with her keeping such a large amount of her life secret/hidden from me. She also admitted that often times when she was saying she was working late in our home office what she actually meant was she was writing/drawing stuff and just wanted to be left alone.
I told her I had no problem with her hobbies, which made her happy. She also told me that she is so embarrassed because a bunch of it is self inserts of her, and some of it would make me unhappy reading it.
I asked her to show me, and she eventually agreed. I read some of it and it didn't bother me at all, (imo to me fantasizing about fictional characters isn't a huge deal as it is simply a fantasy and not real). I asked if some of the things she writes are things that turns her on, and I told her I am willing to try anything at least once.
Yesterday night she actually sat down next to me, and started writing while I was next to her on the couch, and she didn't seem embarrassed at all anymore. So I guess this is good.
Thank you for your help.
TL;DR; Me and my Fiancée were able to work things out, and she isn't so embarrassed anymore about it, and is willing to share with me. Thanks for the advice!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
INCONCLUSIVE Dad left us and a decade later wants to reconcile because he has cancer. Am I wrong to be angry?
My dad left us and started a new family when I was 14. This had a profound impact on myself and my family. Life as a child of a single parent was hard as you can imagine. The government benefits was hardly enough to support 3 kids. We lived below the poverty line. My mom became an alcoholic.
I started working as soon as I legally could to help with the finances. I sacrificed my childhood so that there was electricity and gas in the house. I started failing at school and paid out of my own pocket to hire a tutor. I went to university locally even though I had better offers elsewhere. I have a good and stable career now. My family lives with me but I feel they are not respecting me.
Recently my dad got in touch with my younger sister through Facebook. She met up with him and brought him back to my home. He didn't apologize for the pain he put me through. He made it all about himself and tried to gain sympathy with his plight. Am I the asshole for not caring and not wanting him in my life. I told him to leave. My mother and sister tried to defend him. We got into an argument and I threatened to evict my own family.
We have not talked for days and my home has become hostile. What should I do?
You guys are right. I can't force my family to accept my views of no contact with my father. I resent this man so much. I can't stand the sight of him.
After I posted yesterday, I was "invited" to have dinner with my family. To no one's surprise, my dad and his new family where there. I picked out the two most expensive dishes on the menu and we had a chat. I heard his thoughts on the matter of being an absent father but I didn't bring up any of our hardships. My mother and sister made more attempts to make me forgive him.
I did, I forgave him but that doesn't mean I need to have a relationship with him anymore. Again, my family protested that I'm being cruel and heartless. I'm not, many people survive cancer and his lung cancer is in the early stages. I told them I would not be present at any family events if he was there.
My sister shouted at me claiming "He is our dad. You asshole". Yes he is, to which I replied that he needs to take over his responsibilities as a father. I told them I had cancelled the tenancy on the house and we need to move out by end of this month. My sisters need to return the iPhone's that are on contract as I am cancelling those.
Driving lessons will be cancelled, gym membership will be cancelled, subscription services will be cancelled and everything else that I pay for. These are dad's responsibilities now. Ate my dinner and left them the with bill as a little act of petty revenge.
I have been staying with my girlfriend and have not answered any texts and calls from them. I need a break.
I'm done. I'm done taking over dad's role. I'm done with the financial responsibilities or acting as the parent. I'm 25 and I need to live my own life now. I don't think this will burn bridges. It's just a wake up call for them.
Edit: I'm not going to ghost or abandon them. They need to become independent now.
Edit: I'm reading all the comments. I know I have acted like a jerk. I just need some time to collect my thoughts. I might update later.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED OOP finds out her girlfriend of 1 year is deaf as she's on the bus on my way to see her for the first time.
trigger warnings: none
mood spoilers: sweet
Holy shit I’m trembling, still 6 hours until I make it. I need to let it out somewhere
I (f20) met her (f21) in a match of LoL two years ago. We talked a lot, became really close and basically started dating one year ago.
We send each other pictures all the time and videos as well so I never understood her apprehension to facetime me. We tell each other everything, I mean EVERYTHING. She’s presented me her parents and I know all her family.
Today I was gonna surprise her by visiting for the first time. I talked with her sister to make sure it was ok. Less than 30 mins ago I get a text from her (and im copypasting a translated version) :
“Hey love you are so sweet and beautiful and you deserve so much better. I know you are coming because S told me. I’m sorry to ruin your surprise is just I’d hate to see your face when you find out. I know we promised to always be truthful but I’ve been lying to you all this time. “
That was her first paragraph and I was shitting myself cause I thought she was breaking up with me, but then she continued:
“You are too caring to ask why I never speak, why I never sent you a voice note. You are just too perfect and there’s no way you’d be with me if you knew. The reason is very simple, I was born deaf. I’m sorry you have to find out this way. I’m just a coward for not telling you sooner. I’ll understand if you don’t wanna be with me anymore”
Holy fuck I was expecting something totally different and now I’m scared cause I’ve never interacted with a deaf person and I want to make sure she gets that I love her either way. I’m still in disbelief that she thought it’d a deal breaker for me.
La concha de la lora I’m scared and needed to let it all out. Sorry for the long text
Edit: thank you so much for your support guys. I made another post explaining everything. Have an amazing day!
‘Holy shit’ that’s how I would describe my whole experience. I’m back in my house now and I’m still processing everything that happened.
I texted her I was outside and my hands were shaking. I had no idea what to do (i asked her if she can lipread and she said very little). When she opened the door her eyes were already wet and when she saw me she broke down crying, and I started crying as well. I stopped thinking and just hugged her. I started speaking soothing words until I realized it was useless:/
After we both calmed down we went to her room and started typing in our cellphones to talk to each other. At the beginning it was kinda awkward but after a while it was pretty chill:) We cuddled a lot, watched a lot of movies and kissed a lot. It was a really beautiful day.
There were some fuck ups from my side…out of the blue I’d start speaking to her until I saw her confused face. I called her by her name when I was searching from her and tried to show her funny tiktoks(the funny part being the audio yeah im stupid I know)
But overall it was an amazing day. She is more perfect than I could ever imagine. Thank you for all the words of support in the other post! I appreciate you guys:)
Edit: thank you so much for the kind words, when i posted it never expected to get so many comments. I’m grateful for all your suggestions and tips but maybe it’s important to mention that we speak spanish… And as far as I understand asl is not the same in spanish so I have a lot of work to do :D Have a great night!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
INCONCLUSIVE Insurance company won't pay out because man declared dead at 10:58pm may have still had a heartbeat at midnight.
trigger warnings: General disregard for fellow humans
mood spoilers: Hopeful
Insurance company say they're not paying out as my dads time of death is in dispute - Jul 22 2018
In my dad's place of work they have insurance that covers a scenario where if the employee dies whilst having a child under the age of 18 then that child will receive £100k and the remaining balance of the mortgage paid off so the child and his mother can live in the property free of any mortgage.
My dad died in January this year, the time of death was documented to be at 10:58 PM. I would have been turning 18 just an hour and 2 minutes later. So when my dad officially passed I was under 18 and was eligible for the financial assistance package above. Or so I thought.
After putting in the claim via his employer my mother was told to get a death certificate, my birth certificate and a final balance on the mortgage from Lloyds and send it directly to the insurance.
2 weeks passed before we got a response from the insurance saying they're passing all the information on to their medical underwriters for a second opinion and have requested my dad's medical records. A whole month later they told us that they were seeking expert opinion from "multiple medical 3rd parties" and had put the claim on hold.
Today almost 4 months on from the last letter from the insurance we received huge 235 page report via courier which in short says that the insurance would not be paying out any money as my dads time of death is disputed and that he could have had a heart rhythm for at least 2 hours after his death. The insurance says the claim is only valid if the patient is asystole and as there's no proof of that it's conceivable that my dad lived beyond my 18th birthday.
Me and my mum don't really understand all the jargon in these documents and simple Google searches aren't really helping as I haven't been able to find anything like this ever happening.
What can we do here? Are there lawyers who can help us with this?
Relative comment u/phoenix25:
As a medic, you can be dead and not be in asystole (flatlined). All the ECG shows is electrical activity in the heart, not whether the pump is actually mechanically pumping. There are many people who have pulseless electrical activity in the heart for some time after death... this does not mean they are alive.
Unless your hospitals are very different than the ones here, your father would not have been hooked up to an ECG for two hours post mortum. He would have been brought elsewhere quickly to clear the room for the next emergency. The insurance company has no proof that he had electrical activity in the heart (although, the opposite is true for you not having proof he didn’t).
The mental gymnastics of this policy are astounding. By this logic, anyone with a pacemaker is basically immortal. The batteries last like 20 years, and keep firing even if the heart is too dead to respond.
My point is: challenge this. Your insurance company are not medical professionals, and will be rebuked quickly by anyone with an ounce of medical knowledge.
u/Cavannah in response to a different comment basically saying the insurance company is bullshitting:
The opinions of outside medical consultants who hypothesize that he may have had a heartbeat 62 minutes later is irrelevant in the face of an actual supervising medical professional who indisputably declared him legally dead.
The insurance company cannot have it both ways. Either the medical professional who declared him dead is completely incorrect and thus both incompetent and derelict in his/her duties, or the insurance company is in the wrong with their postulation that they hold above objective fact without proof.
The burden of proof is on them to both disprove the medical fact that he was dead 62 minutes prior to the termination of his contract with the company and simultaneously prove their claim that he was alive after his stated time of death. Something that they cannot do.
Report them to supervising insurance company boards and regulatory agencies. Obviously lawyer up. Take them to court and bleed them dry.
UPDATE - Jul 23 2018
I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who took time out of their day to offer their advice on what is a very distressing time for me and my mother. Things have been tough for us lately and getting all that paperwork yesterday really pushed my mother over the edge.
I just want to say a huge thank you to the user who first sent me a PM with his mobile number and spent 4 hours that night in the phone with me and my mum going through each page of the documents telling us what they meant in layman's terms. I'm so sorry that I don't know your username... I haven't been able to find it with all the messages I've received but it sounded like official plus or something. If you could please PM me again me and my mum want to send you a little gift.
We are speaking to a number of solicitors in my area and further away about what the insurance company are doing. The vast majority say they don't deal with this type of thing as it's complex but the 2 solicitors that said they might take it on have both taken a copy of all the correspondence from the insurance and us and are going to get back to us tomorrow if they'll take the case so fingers crossed for that!
I know that this isn't much of an update but more of a thank you to everyone on here and reddit as a whole. I'll give a final update when this is all over!
So once again thank you all so so much.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
OOP hasn't posted again in 4 years, I choose to believe that means it was resolved in their favor.
trigger warnings: Domestic Abuse
mood spoilers: Hopeful
[I (29F) think my SO (30M) is poisoning me, but I am not sure and I don't know what to do](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wiftk1/i_29f_think_my_so_30m_is_poisoning_me_but_i_am) - August 07 2022
I am a generally fit, active, and healthy 29F who gets sick only maybe once a year (and lasts at most 2 days before I'm back on my feet). I've been with my SO (30M) for over a year now and we haven't had any major fights at all.
However, starting 5 months ago or so, my SO has been sending me food that either he or his family has prepared, and also various supplements, which I take from time to time. And call me crazy, but I've noticed my health start to decline. I'm less able to work out and I've gotten sick frequently. Note that I've been cooking and eating my own food all this time (I don't eat deliveries or whatnot) and have not fallen sick at all. Also note that he and his fam can cook. This isn't one those amateurish cooking food poisoning kind of thing.
My SO has access to both hospital supplies and agricultural supplies. His fam has versatile professions.
I've taken a stool test one time I got sick but that came back normal, so I thought that I might just be overthinking it. I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure.
Nonetheless, I have gotten sick again, and I ordered some delivery. The next day, I felt much better. However, my SO brought over some more food the next day, which I ate. And, lo and behold, I got a bit sicker the next day!
As for the motive, I do not know at all. I'm not parasitic and shower them with gifts regularly to acknowledge and reciprocate their goodwill. I'm keeping them from finding out my suspicions but yeah.
How should I proceed?
tl;dr I think I'm being poisoned by my SO as I've started feeling progressively sicker ever since he started bringing me food and supplements.
EDIT: No, I do not have food intolerance of food allergies. The food he brings are standard dishes I have eaten from other sources in the past
[UPDATE: I (29F) think my SO (30M) is poisoning me, but I am not sure and I don't know what to do](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yzo1fp/update_i_29f_think_my_so_30m_is_poisoning_me_but/) - November 20 2022
Original context: In the past, I asked what I can do with the relationship if I had a nagging sense that either my SO or his family was poisoning me. The reason for this nagging sense was that I consistently experienced two episodes of food poisoning symptoms that progressed 100% exactly the same way. Chills, headaches, and becoming bedridden, all 3-4 days after consuming the food.
Some Redditors said that maybe I needed to get help, to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or to get therapy. That it was all in my mind. I am well-familiar with Reddit's (or the Internet overall) misogyny, but I gave everything the benefit of the doubt. My personality just makes me this way.
Some Redditors even commented that this much be fake or that I must be trolling. My post was then locked down and I couldn't reply anymore.
More helpful Redditors told me to simply not eat the food prepared for me. Sure, except it does nothing for the relationship aspect.
Update: After several months, my ex finally admitted to it.
The way I found out was when I confronted my ex outright. Although he tried deflecting and gaslighting at the start, I firmly kept pressing and he finally admitted to it.
It turns out that his mother had been lacing the food with some chemical compound from their farm. From the original post, his mother one day started packing food for me. And I started getting sick.
At first, I thought it was covid. However, when I went to see the doctor, he said outright that what I had was not covid. Furthermore, tests concluded I in fact did not have covid. Then I got sick again, and the progression of the sickness went exactly the same way. Exactly the same. The symptoms and the duration. By this time, I definitely felt something was up.
After days of just throwing the food prepared for me, and not getting sick ever again, when my ex came over, I finally confronted him. As usual, he tried to weasel his way out, but I put my foot down.
He admitted that his mother did not like me. That she thought I was taking him away from her.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: What? Take you away from her? Wtf does that even mean??
Him: I dunno.
Me: But her conclusion is to poison me??
My ex just turned and looked away, and stopped making eye contact. I felt a nagging sense that something wasn't right and didn't make much sense.
Me: So why did you say anything all this time?
Him: I told her to stop...
Me: And how do we know she stopped?
At this point, he was shocked. His shock shocked me. Something was definitely wrong.
Me: I stopped eating the food you guys have been preparing for me and just threw them out instead. I haven't had any problems since.
He didn't say anything.
Me: But why? Why all this? You knew!
Actually at this point, I just wanted everything to be done with. But I knew I had to keep pressing to get the answers I wanted to find closure.
After a while, he finally admitted.
HE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED IT. He wanted a way out of the relationship. He had started casually conversing with another woman and said that he maybe wanted to be with her. His conclusion was to have his mom prepare food and lace them with chemicals from the farm. What the fuck was I hearing?
Me: So why need to poison me? Why not just tell me??
He thought that if I was sick long enough, he would find an excuse to say the relationship wasn't working. What the actual fuck? At this point, it went without saying that I was beyond just upset. This was a fucking crime being admitted to!
He also said he never thought I would be that sick. But that I would just be lethargic and felt overwhelmed. He expected me to break up with him too. Well, that I did anyway, motherfucker!
He pleaded with me to not call the cops on him or his mother. I said I'll think about it and made him leave my place. The audacity of this fucker!
I have since broken up with him and moved on with my life. Fuck that asshole.
Tl;dr: Had nagging sense something was wrong. Was proven right by not avoiding but rather confronting the person in question.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
CONCLUDED 10 years ago, my girlfriend abandoned me and our 5 year old daughter, now she wants her family back
trigger warnings: abandonment
mood spoilers: good outcome
First thread, 16 days ago, from this post (now removed).
My story begins 16 years ago, when I met Lucy. She was an amazing girl, inteligent, beautiful, fancy, funny, just the greatest girl I ever met. I felt so lucky when we start dating. And after a year into the relationship, we had a baby. I was living the dream, living with my girlfriend, raising our little daughter, being a happy family. I loved Lucy so much, and after some years, we were finally getting married.
Our daughter was the most excited one about the wedding, she was going to be the flower's girl. Everything seemed to be perfect. Until, one day, when I was heading back home, a guy wanted to talk with me. At first I believed he may want to sell me something, until he mentioned Lucy. Politely, he asked me to talk in a private place. He then asked me to please, stop everything about the wedding and step back, because he and Lucy wanted to be together. I didnt believed him, until he started to tell me a lot of details about her that would be imposible to know.
I returned home as fast as I could, I didnt wanted this to be truth, and told her about it, hopping all was a mistake. But, no, it wasnt. The next hour she told me everything. She has been cheating on me from the last 2 years. She told me about how all the times she said she loved me, that she wanted us to be together and she loved our family, were all lies. How her new man was younger, stronger, handsome and better lover. She said that she didnt wanted to be tied to me, how she lost her freedom for being a mother and she didnt wanted to be a wife, that she wanted her freedom back. The final stab was when she said she was happy that I finally knew, and now she was able to leave.
I cried, begged, humilliate myself and got on my knees, asking for another chance, to try fix our relationship, but she didnt wanted, she wanted the thrill and excitement that this new guy make her feel. By the next day, she left us.
I felt broken, humilliate, emasculated. But my daughter needed me. She was heartbroken, her mother left, and she believed it was her fault (she heard when Lucy said she didnt wanted to be a mother anymore), she needed me, and I needed to be strong for her. Fortunately we had help, my family and Lucy's family supported us in any way posible, her parents were so ashamed for their daughter's actions that they couldnt look me to the face without apologize for everything she did. I will be in debt with everyone forever for all their help.
Fast forward, 10 years later. After lots of time and therapy, my daughter and I are living happy. She is the light of my life. A beautiful 15 years old lady who I love. Our wounds are healed and we have a very good life.
But then, she came back. When me and my daughter were getting back home, we found Lucy in front of our appartment, waiting for us, wanting to talk.
I recognize her inmediatly, and I would like to say that I did something cool, like ignoring her, asking her to leave, or ar least be hostile with her. But no. Im and idiot, my heart skip a beat in the moment I saw her. She still was beautiful as before, but somehow, she looked even better, maybe the age make her look mature and elegant, maybe the dress, or the make up, I dont know, but I let her in, while our daughter gave us some space and went to her room.
She told me everything she did since she left. Basically, she lived with that guy for some years. She said how much she enjoyed it, all the fun she got and how she believed those were the best years of her life, until she noticed that the excitement of that new relationship was fading slowly, in some point, she started to cheat on that guy too. Acording to her, she wanted to feel alive and excited.
Eventually, that relationship ended, and she started dating other guys. Every relationship became shorter than the previous one, until she only had casual hookups. She also said, that sometimes, she thougth about us, our family, bit she said she was too proud to admit she made a mistake, until last year. She got covid and it hit her really hard, yo the point that she believed she would die, and realized how alone she was, how stupid she was, and the mistake she made so long ago.
After all of that, she said she regreted everything she did and said, and now she was ready to marry me, and be the family we always meant to be.
When she was done I asked her to leave, to give me some time to think. She accepted, saying she would be back the next day. For years I dreamed about her coming back, and now it was happening. But it just felt wrong. Since then, she visit almost daily, wanting to talk about the best years of our relationship, and how we could be a happy family again.
I asked for help. To my family, to my friends. Most of them said I would be making the worst mistake of my life if I take her back. Others said that I could give her a chance. It took me a lot to heal, and some more time to start making new relationships, and I would be risking everything.
One night, my daughter and I had a deep conversation about all this. I always try to involve her in every part of our life, and this issue concerned her too, because is her mother. Sometimes she surprise me being so wise and mature, because she told me "can you really love someone that hurted us so much?". And that was everything I needed. I would never forgive myself if I let her hurt my daughter again. And I said that to Lucy.
If she want to be around, or have a relationship with our daughter, Im ok with it (only if my daughter want it), but I told her we are not getting back. Lucy only said that she would make me fall in love with her again, and that she would not give up.
She had the "best years of her life" without you and your daughter. To me that says everything. There's no regret there.
Be proud of yourself, you put in the hard work and raised an amazing daughter.
Find someone worthy of that. Your ex ain't it.
I didnt expect so many answer, so, thanks to everyone for your answers and advices. Thanks to the ones who made me open my eyes and help me to realize I still having issues with my ex and Im not over with her, and over all, to the ones who pointed the risk of hurting my daughter that is letting her back in our lifes. I can recognize my weakness, but Im not letting her to hurt my baby again. So dont worry, Im not getting back with her.
Since the post, she had been insisting on meeting, she wanted to talk. I decided to have one last talk with her and setting my boundaries. We met in a public place. The talk was long and hard, I wanted her to be honest, amd I told her the moment I caugth a lie I was leaving. I asked if she was really sorry, or are we her last option? Did she really love us, or are we just a consolation prize? Did she came back for love, or because she was unable to find another man anymore? She was unable to answer any of that. She only said things like "it's not like that" "you need to understand me" "Im not like this anymore".
She kept insisting on giving her another chance, that we can love each other again, that we could be together, she never even mentioned our daughter in any moment, only after I pointed it, she started to mention her. When I tried to settle that we were over, she grabbed my hand and (as some of you told me she would do) she tried to seduce me, pulling down her blouse, showing me her cleavage, and saying we can find a room, so I can do whatever I wanted with her, that she wouldnt say no to anything, to compensate me.
I didnt recognize that woman. She wasnt the amazing girl I met, she wasnt the mother of my daughter, I didnt know who that woman was, but she wasnt my Lucy.
I said her to let me go, that we were over. Neither I or my daughter wanted anything with her, so please, leave us alone, we were living a good life without her. She then went mad, saying I couldnt left her, that it wasnt my choice, that she doesnt have anything else. That I cant take away HER daughter.
I still dont know why, but that last sentence triggered me. (The next are not my exact words, but are close of what I said on that moment)
"Your daughter? YOUR daughter? You are not her mother. You only gave birth to her, but you are not her mother. Tell me, where you were when she was sick? Where you were when she had fever? When she was scared on the night? When her first teeth fell? When she cried on the nights because she missed her mom? Where you were on her first day of school? When she had her first period? When she had her first boyfriend? When her heart broke for the second time? Because the first one who broke her heart was her mother. Wich dick were you riding when she needed a mom? You have no rigth to claim you are her mother, because you never acted like that."
She tried to reply, but I saw how she was unable to find the words. I left her. Back at home, she send me some texts, asking for another meeting, for another chance, that she loves me and she can change, but Im done. You all were rigth, she doesnt love me or our daughter at all, she only loves herself, having her on my life would be bad, toxic, I dont need that. I dont need her.
My daughter and I are going back to therapy soon. Some of you were rigth, I need to work on myself, be stronger, and get over those feelings for her, because they're not real, just a memorie of what I thougth she was.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad.
trigger warning: death
Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad. - 7 July 2019
Pretty much the title. I have no idea how to process all this, and I am completely unprepared for what lies ahead :(
Both my older brother and sister went to the same college. My brother graduated two years ago, my sister is set to graduate in two years. Both had their college paid by our dad. Dad paid all their college expenses, including rent, food, their cars, pocket money, you name it.
My brother has a job now, his own place, lives together with his fiancee, and has his life together.
My sister already has a good paying job, and my dad still pays for almost everything for her.
I got accepted to the same college, which was always the plan, and was looking forward to talk with my parents about the next steps, and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings. I always assumed they had money put aside for my college the way they had for my siblings.
Instead I was met with a story about my mom's cheating, how I am the result of her cheating, and how my dad is not willing to support me any more moving forward.
Dad told me that mom had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future, but obviously she never did. He said it was never is place to say anything since I am not his son, and didn't want to interfere with mom's parenting.
Apparently my grandparents know I am not dad's biological son, but they haven't bothered to tell me anything either.
My siblings had no idea, and they are as surprised as I am because there was never a hint of anything being off. I might be naive, but I always thought I had a great relationship with my dad. We go to see sports together, we go fishing together, he tutored me when I had difficulties with math (dad is an engineer), he taught me to drive. I never got a hint he stores resentment towards me. I mean, he gave me my name, and has explained what my name means, and he was very proud of it. It's a story he tells from time to time. He likes to talk about stuff like that about me.
My mom has never said a word about anything, and apparently she was supposed to have "the talk" with me, but she never did.
I feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead. I am not even sure I will be able to go to college any more, I always assumed my parents will pay for it. I never had a job, and I am not sure what job I can even get to support me through college, I have no idea how to apply for loans.
All my mom has done is cry and apologize. But nothing of substance, she has no idea how to help me.
I don't even know if I am welcomed home any more, it's all up in the air, I feel shame leaving my room, and if I will be asked to move out I don't know where to go. I don't have any savings, maybe $400 put together.
I am angry at my mom, I am confused about where I stand with my dad. There's a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel rejected and I have no idea what to do to fix this situation.
Anyone have any idea what to do here?
Do I apologize to my dad? What do I say to him?
Idk, I've been stuck in my room these past few days, reading and browsing reddit. I have no idea what to do.
Edit: Comments are coming in faster than I can reply, but I am making a list with all the advice about financial aid, health insurance, getting my own phone plan, etc, things I didn't even think about before. Thank you everyone.
I will try to answer as much as I can, but there's more comments than I can handle.
Sorry to disappear, nothing bad happened to me.
Managed to talk with my mom yesterday, but I chickened out half way through what I had to say :(
The good news is that I am not being kicked out, or disowned, etc.
Thank you for all your support, everyone, I will follow through and call financial aid at my college in a few hours, and take it from there.
My grandpa had a stroke a week ago, and my dad is helping my grandma with setting up a live in nurse, so he wasn't around yesterday.
I will let you know how I manage.
Thank you again.
Sorry for not updating, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
Nothing happened to me, but my situation is a secondary concern right now. Regardless, I think I will be alright, thanks to your amazing support and help.
My sister is aware of everything, and told me not to worry, she has my back and I have her support.
I promise to update when and if there are any significant changes, right now I need to support my grandma.
Thank you again to everyone.
Hey guys, and update has already been posted. Please don't message me so angrily any more.
[UPDATE] Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad. - 13 July 2019
The reaction to my original post put an uncomfortable amount of pressure on me to write this update.
I am not sure if it's what's you want to hear, but things are more or less back to a "normal" state, if you consider other events.
Unfortunately, my grandpa died at the beginning of this week, and I am still processing it.
I did manage to talk with both my mom and dad, and I know where I now stand in relation with them, as well as my siblings.
I am not sure I would have had the courage to say what I had to say if not for the amount of help and advice in the comments.
I think it is safe to say both my parents love me, and what happened two weeks ago was an overreaction to a fight between my parents. It makes me uncomfortable knowing I am not aware of my own environment, but a stranger in the comments can tell me what's happening in my life with only a few lines of text from my side. A lot of comments were spot on about what is happening in my life.
I have so far went through 40% (I estimate) of the comments, but I have given up, there are too many for me to keep up with.
The conclusion is that I am definitely going to college, it will be the college I have always wanted to go to, and I will have the same experience as my siblings. The money to pay for all this already exists, my family is not going bankrupt as suggested, my dad just had a mental breakup with all the issues around my grandpa and his fight with my mom.
Even if my dad would have went through with his decision, my grandma let me know my grandpa left me and my siblings a sum we will have to split between the three of us, but enough to put me through college.
What started the entire scandal was poor timing on my part, my parents just had a fight, and then I showed up "hey, pay for my college".
My parents were talking about us, their children, and mom said something to the lines of "to think you wanted to split up when I came back pregnant", or something like that, I was not there, this is what she told me. I guess dad was talking how proud he was of his children, and mom wanted to express her "gratitude" for dad raising me as his own, and dad took it as "the affair was the best decision I ever made" or something like that. And their fight escalated from there, and mom told dad something like "what makes you think any of them are yours".
Yeah, it went downhill from there fast. Shortly after that my dumb face showed up, and here I am.
Dad and mom have since made up, mom is still a mess, dad is not handling my grandpa's passing away too well either.
I did talk with my siblings, and my sister raised a storm and rode it here while blasting my parents on the phone, ha ha. My brother was calmer, but made his feelings known in no uncertain terms as well once he got back home.
My grandpa passing away sort of kept spirits calm, I guess, and shifted the focus to dealing with that.
Reading the comments was a mind opening experience. I felt unprepared for the world out there. Many have asked how I had no idea how to apply for loans or grants. Well, in my defense, when you go year after year after year knowing you have nothing to worry about, that your college as good as paid for already, you don't really have to worry about anything else. Of course I knew there are loans and other things students have to be aware of, but it didn't apply to me.
I went from "I am going to college, can't wait" to "you're not my son and I will not pay for your college" in less than 24 hours.
Others have been prepared for this, at the very least they knew they had to get a loan, or get a job, look for a place to live, and so on. For me it was a sudden change in reality.
Going through the comments I managed to put a list together with various "tips and tricks", what jobs are available for students, how to find a place to live, how to get a credit card, a bank account, a cell phone plan, and so on. Really good stuff that I think, even after the return to normal, will help me.
My parents have been called more names then they go by, and that was uncomfortable to read, and I haven't even read all comments. I can't even imagine what else lies in the comments, waiting.
Dad is very sorry, apologetic, about his reaction and behavior. I understand his reaction, but I still feel hurt by it. I understand he was not in the best place of mind, but I can't control my feelings either. We will be alright, and this hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship.
Mom hasn't handled everything that well. But she is coming around, and she answered some more questions for me.
When mom had an affair years ago, and got pregnant with me, my parents started divorce. Mom moved in with the man she had the affair with, but after a few months that guy decided he wants nothing to do with it. He kicked mom out, and she had nowhere to go. So my grandparents took her in, because she was still the mother of their
nephews grand kids (I am getting a lot of heat for this "mistake", but know in my family's culture, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well). Mom and dad got back together, after a lot of work, dad took me as his own, and that's my life since then.
The man who is my natural father is not in the picture any more. Dad didn't really know who he is, and mom hasn't heard or seen him ever since. He was fully aware mom was pregnant with his child, I guess he had more important things to do. But it doesn't sound like he was about to cure world hunger, she met him in a bar, not at a fund raiser.
And I don't feel a need to know any more about who he is. I thought about the matter the last two weeks, since I've been aware of everything, and haven't really felt a desire to know who he is, where he is, if he is still alive, if I have other siblings out there.
I was suggested to go and buy a DNA kit from 23andme, maybe I can find him that way, but I think I will avoid doing this specifically so I don't find him or he finds me. As far as I care, I have a mom and dad and a brother and a sister, and that's my family.
Moving forward I do plan of getting a job, and becoming more independent, but not in an attempt to distance myself from my family, but to feel like I would not be lost in the world if my family suddenly disappears.
My mom admits I've been babied way more than my siblings, and that they should have prepared me more for what's coming next.
I did learn where I stand with my family, and it's safe to say that I am loved, and I have options. I thought I am isolated, but my world is wider than I thought. Grandparents, siblings, my aunt, my cousins, all have my back.
I think my parents are human, and they make mistakes, and even though this was not their greatest moment, I think I will look at everything as nothing more than a weak moment in an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Edit: in my family's cultural background, grandparents call their grand kids nephews as well. Stop calling me names, it was not a mistake, please.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED My [37M] Son [21M] Slept With My Girlfriend , I Don't Know How To Process This Level Of Betrayal
trigger warnings: mentions of suicide, self harm
I apologize in advance if this isn't the most coherent thing in the world, this is partially just me venting to the void. About 4 years ago I lost my wife, the mother of my son, to lung cancer. We had been together since we were 14. It was the darkest time in my life, I had considered suicide on a nearly daily basis. I pushed on for my son, and because my wife made me promise to make the most of life.
We had our son pretty young, I worked two jobs to keep us afloat and thankfully was able to provide a decent upbringing until he moved out at 16, although I still paid (and continued to do so until this happened) a portion of his bills. The loss was extremely hard on my son as well, he came back to stay with me for awhile and we'd work through the grief together every day. I got him into therapy, pushed him to get involved in things to keep his mind busy and when he moved back into his apartment I'd call every night to check on him and visited multiple times a week. We were always extremely close.
My wife told me outright after her diagnosis that she didn't want me alone, so I made myself available. My girlfriend and I met about two years ago and hit it off. She isn't my wife, but I loved her for who she was and we really connected. I was reluctant to introduce her to my son because I was afraid he'd feel I was betraying his mother so I held off for the first year, which I regretted as they ended up getting along very well. We'd hang out together, my son was happy, I was happy. She moved in with me about 5 months ago.
This past Thursday he was over for dinner and movies. We've had this little game since he was a teenager where I'd pop up over his shoulder when he was on his phone in common areas and say "stop looking at that!" in an accusing way to mess with him even though he was never looking at anything. Turns out this time he was doing something and I seen topless photos on his phone. I recognized the photos to be of my girlfriend, same tattoo placement between the breasts. I grabbed the phone from him and he immediately starts pleading his case.
I go into gallery and there are easily two dozen photos of my girlfriend, some of him I'm assuming he sent to her, one or two of them together. By this time he's crying and trying to grab the phone back, I check his texts and he has two weeks worth of conversations with her (under a different name) detailing the fact they've been fucking around behind my back. My girlfriend is in the room begging to know what's going on.
I'm not proud of the fact I lost myself. I screamed at them both, I smashed the phone (yes, I know this is unacceptable, yes I'm in therapy, yes it's the first time I got aggressive with either of them), I demanded details. My son kept apologizing and saying he didn't know why and that it had only started two weeks ago, they slept together 3 times. My girlfriend was sobbing and kept trying to hug me, telling me it was "a mistake", purely physical and that she'd never speak to him again. I screamed at my son that I'd given my life to him, that he knew what this meant to me, that he was all I had left.
I pulled him upstairs and gave him the money for his phone and kicked him out. I went upstairs to our bedroom, turned her drawers upside down and packed her clothes into two travel bags while she kept asking me to listen. I put them outside, guided her through the door and told her she could have someone else get the rest of her belongings this week.
Both of them have been texting me nonstop until last night, at which point I blocked their number. I feel completely detached. The fact that after 2 years my girlfriend, knowing my history, could betray me is painful enough, and absolutely nothing will make me forgive her. She refuses to get her stuff until I talk to her so I'm having a friend drop it off to her. The fact my son, who I dropped everything for, worked non-stop to provide for, who was all I had left in this world could do this to me knowing what it would do is another pain entirely.
It feels like I lost another family member. I ache for my wife all over again. I know everyone processes grief differently but this was two years after her passing, he had a girlfriend and I was there for him (as were therapists) every step of the way, so I have a hard time believing grief is the cause of his decision. I can't see this as a mistake, he didn't trip and fall. It was a conscious choice to betray someone who loved him.
I want to honor my wife by giving my son a chance, to hold on to the little family I have left. But this isn't like he stole money from me, it isn't even something that happened once while drunk. He was there for that grief with me, he knew how hard it was for me to move on. Of all the women, he chose mine. All the apologies or future effort can'r erase that fact or the memory of it. I never did wrong by him, and now I feel like the kid I raised isn't there anymore.
Thanks to friends I'm not drifting into thoughts of self harm again, but I don't know if I have it in me to ever forgive him. If and when that day comes, what steps can I take to process what happened, talk to him without feeling disgust and open the door to trusting him again? And if that day never comes, does that make me a bad person?
Edit Some brief clarification since people on the other relationship sub took this and ran with it.
1.) Nothing caused him to move out, he asked and said it'd be cool and I helped pay his bills. No hidden resentment I've ever been aware of.
2.) Yes, popping up over his shoulder sometimes was something we both found funny. No I wasn't actually trying to invade his privacy, yes he was a part of the joke.
3.) Yes I know I was aggressive. I paid for the phone and will be discussing it in therapy.
4.) Yes I know this sounds like something out of a movie, it's not.
TL;DR: Lost my wife four years ago, just me and my son ever since. Found out he's sleeping with my girlfriend, feel completely empty inside. Need some sort of comfort or advice on how or if this can ever be fixed between him and I, and if that doesn't happen will I ever feel whole on my own again.
First off, I'd like to thank everyone for the enormous outpouring of support. I've had numerous people offering to their well-wishes privately and such compassion from those who commented. I believe it was this support, as well as that from my friends, that kept me from doing anything stupid. I'll try to keep this as concise and short sentenced as possible.
It's been a busy couple of days, to say the least. I unblocked both their numbers shortly after posting. My now ex called again that night, which I answered. I told her if she wasn't calling to make plans to pick up her stuff I was hanging up, and we decided on the next morning. I called a platonic female friend of mine that night and she agreed to be at my place before my ex showed up as a witness. I had everything packed up and waiting by the door.
She showed up as expected and started crying immediately when I came out with her stuff, trying to pull the bags to the ground so I'd have my hands free for a hug. I put the bags beside her car and asked her to check if I missed anything, which she refused. I agreed to a quick hug, told her to take care and walked inside, my friend pulled the chair she was sitting in on my porch over so it was in front of my door, and told her that she was calling the cops if she didn't leave. She did, and I blocked her number again.
I texted and called my son numerous times, and left a voicemail telling him that we needed to talk, but first he had to come clean to his girlfriend and accept responsibility for his actions. He didn't respond, so I called her myself. We chatted for a while and she told me he was out with a friend. I asked if he had spoken to her about anything recently, and she said no. So I told her myself.
Mostly because I felt it was the right thing to do, as she was a victim in this too, but I'll admit partially because he's a grown man now and needs to deal with the consequences. He showed up to my place that evening, and I let him in. I'm ashamed to say I wasn't nearly as calm as I hoped I'd be. He asked if ruining his relationship made me feel better, and I told him that he ruined it. Pretty much any hope of productive conversation went out the window and it became a screaming match, at which point I told him to get out and figure out how to deal with being as alone as I was. He slapped me in the head.
This is a kid who never even threw a toy out of anger in childhood, who wasn't even spanked. As disgusting and twisted as it is, this exploded into a physical fight with me being struck in the face multiple times while trying to restrain him as I didn't have it in me to hit him, my son very much not being a fighter while in my younger years I very much was, until I took him off his feet and held him to the floor. I've never felt that level of rage before, how incredibly overwhelming it was.
When I seen the fear on his face I let him up and sat beside him on the floor. I told him to get out. He started crying and told me that his mother would be ashamed of him. This made me break down, pathetically so, and realize how fucked up this while thing has been. I agreed that she'd be ashamed of both of us, and we hugged while he cried into my chest, something he hasn't done since my wife passed. He asked if it was too late to talk, and I told him it wasn't.
I cleaned myself up, we sat at the kitchen table and talked. He told me that he'd stopped therapy a while ago and lied about it, because he felt it wasn't helping. He told me that he was hurt when I kept my girlfriend from him the first year, because although he knew it was to prevent him getting attached if it didn't work out, he still felt excluded.
It came out that he hid a very well concealed alcohol problem from me, and even his girlfriend. He told me he didn't sleep with her to spite me, that he was just feeling lost and he made a stupid choice. I asked him why he couldn't have been honest with me before it came to this, and he told me he didn't feel like he could be honest with himself anymore.
We cried together again, prayed together despite neither of us being religious, looked through family photo albums together. We discussed the road forward, and we agreed that the loss we both felt went far deeper than we thought. We decided on attending therapy together, we're going to look into support groups both for his drinking and other families dealing with loss, and now that he's without his girlfriend and I'm aware of the extent of his issues, I agreed to let him move back home with me so I can make sure he attends his appointments and avoids alcohol, and hopefully so we can bond again with the stipulation that any more violence and he's out the door.
He asked me if I can ever forgive him, and I told him honestly that I couldn't, but he's still my son and I love him. And I reminded him of what his mother told him when he was a kid, that everyone messes up, it's what you do afterwards that makes the difference. I'll never forgive what he did, but if he learns from this and becomes a better person then I can forget it and have a great relationship with him regardless.
Aside from the fact my lip resembles the mouth of the vampires from Blade 2 for now which has prompted concern from neighbors and friends, the past two days have been great. We've been talking, we cooked dinner together, we've gone on walks and we're set to start looking into professional help this coming week. He's incredibly apologetic and has a tenderness I haven't seen from him in years. I have no illusions about the amount of work to be done nor how serious this incident was, but I'm feeling very optimistic about the future.
TL;DR Ex is out of my life for good. Son was left by his girlfriend, which led to a physical confrontation and an outpouring of honesty. The road ahead looks like it'll be long and full of hurdles, but we both seem committed to each other and getting through it together.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
This all started a couple of years ago and it completely split our family apart. My son, Z (22M), has pretty much been estranged from us since he was 18.
Adam is the son of good family friends, he and my daughter, P (24F), begun dating around when they were 19. The problem is Adam was a bully to my son throughout school, as you can imagine he didn't take it very well. He was furious, however my daughter refused to budge on this. I tried to stay out of the situation but my wife took my daughter's side, partially as were good friends with Adam's parents, but also because she thought Z would eventually get over it.
Unfortunately that didn't happen, instead it made a stark difference in my son's personality, he had become much more aggressive, cold and disrespectful. He no longer listened to what me or his mother had to say, often using intimidation to get what he wanted, he would also disappear for days a time without so much as a word. This would more or less carry on until he left for university, after which he probably spent no more than 2 weeks in total back at home, opting to stay with friends or whatever girl he was seeing at the time.
He has rejected any olive branch we extend. This has completely destroyed our family and it especially hurts my wife as they were quite close before this happened. The last time we spoke was last year before lockdown, he called me a coward for sitting on the fence. I understand why he feels the way he does, but was I really wrong to stay neutral in this? I didn't feel like it was my place to control my daughter's dating life.
I wanted to upload this earlier but I just got around to remembering what the password for this was.
I did not plan on making an update, it was quite clear that we were in the wrong and we accept that, however my son was informed of the original post by one of his cousins, he got in contact and he found it hilarious. My wife managed to convince him to meet up with us and talk. He insisted on me making an update with the takeaways from that conversation, so here goes.
Regarding the post, his exact words were "big up the people who showed love and all the people who called me petty can go fuck themselves", he said this with the biggest smile on his face. He also found it hilarious how, despite me trying my best to make him 'look bad', most of the replies were still ripping into me.
I'm sure a lot of people are interested in how he's doing now, I'm happy to say he has outgrown his abrasiveness and has become a very confident and intelligent young man. He's very secretive about what he's doing now, but one thing he is open and proud about is the charity he runs. He happily went into detail about how he works with disadvantaged children and helps get them opportunities, particularly in sports.
In regards to his sister and Adam, he seemed completely indifferent to them. He said he wasn't particularly interested in talking about '2 losers who no-one really likes'.
It was a long conversation, we talked about a lot but it seemed to end with my son letting us know- that while there might be the slightest bit of contact between us, me and my wife will always be on the outside looking in on his life. While this isn't what me and my wife hoped for, we are looking at it as a chance to eventually build our relationship back up.
This was the main takeaway from everything that has happened, but I know there are probably a lot of questions that people want to ask, I'll try my best to get round to answering all of them.
The original post was removed as I broke one of the rules, my apologies for that- but I'm sure there is a copy of it floating around.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not the OP - this was originally posted by throwaway235939- on r/TrueOffMyChest.
I (21 F) have been dating my girlfriend (22 F) for three years. I grew up in a really small town so finding other women who liked women wasn’t easy. We met at my college orientation because she was one of the group leaders showing us around. I saw her more and more as the weeks passed because we ate at similar times and we eventually became friends. She always assumed I was straight because I have a very feminine style (I’m sure others can relate to this misconception) but being friends didn’t last very long when we found out we both liked women.
The last three years have been great or at least I thought they were. About two months ago she started getting really cagey around her phone which was a red flag to me. Before that we were both open with our phones and frequently went on them for directions, to look things up, or text our friends if our phone died. Two weeks ago I went through her phone when she was showering (yes yes I know invasion of privacy). It wasn’t hard to find what I was looking for but what angered me the most is that besides her cheating she was making fun of me with the other girl. Both of them making remarks that looking like a “bimbo” would only get me so far. Which is funny considering she constantly talks to me about how she loves my over the top femininity. I was honestly ready to explode right there but instead I took screenshots of their flirtatious text messages and sent them to myself. Both of them are part of an internship that at least from my girlfriends side she’s been working years to get into. In hopes of getting offered a full contract when her schooling is done. As most internships or even jobs are, relationships are strictly prohibited amongst coworkers and results in termination. So the head of the program will be getting a very exciting email very soon :) I also know her schedule like the back of my hand so my friends and me are going to take back all the stuff I bought for her and leave a box of the few things she bought me with a print of the messages taped on top. Maybe not the coldest revenge in the world but I hope she has fun sleeping in a bed with no sheets or a duvet. Also, have fun scrambling to buy the very expensive textbooks I bought for you right before finals begin. <3
Edit: some of the comments are having me rethink sending stuff to her boss. It won’t ruin her career but perhaps it’s too far. However, I do feel a lack of sympathy because of how the two of them talked about me. If I do decide against it I’m going to find something equally petty that doesn’t involve her career. Most of the texts were spent brutally slut shaming me and calling me a bimbo because of my appearance. The other girl going as far as asking my ex for “special photos of me” to see if I “looked as plastic as she thinks I do”. Whatever that means. I haven’t decided yet, all I know is I’m getting ready to go party with my friends.
Edit: Also to all of my cuties and I mean everyone she’s, he’s, they’s, whatever you go by out there who have also been cheated on you’re super sexy gorgeous fabulous sparkly hot and cute and they flop <3
Small Update (added to first post)
I just took all of my stuff with my friends and left all of the items she got me in the box with the printouts of the texts messages. I’m about to call her mom (who loves me very much) and tell her EVERYTHING 🙂I’ll probably update later on how that went. She probably won’t find the box for a few hours since she usually doesn’t get home till around 5. Also for those who are curious, no, I’m not gonna take those textbooks back and just dump them. I’m gonna sell them and donate the money to homeless and animal shelters. I’m also gonna give the sheets and duvet to a homeless person.
From the comments:
On whether AP wanted the nudes because she had the hots for OOP:
"I don’t think she was attracted to me at all, quite the opposite, I think she’s disgusted by “hyper feminine” women. In her texts she accused me several times of looking the way I do for an advantage in my study because it’s male dominated. Which it’s quite the opposite, I’m often ridiculed by peers or they try their best to not work with me. However on the bright side other female STEM students tend to be very loving towards me and I love them back! I can only describe her as a “pick me girl” and “women who look like bimbos CANT be smart”. I think she wanted to see if my body had work done to “prove her point” about what kind of girl I am."
"I think she just wanted them to laugh about the fact I have fake boobs tbh lmaooooo"
Redditor: Please don’t [...] tell her boss[,] women like her make gay women look baf
OOP: I see where you are coming from which is what is creating my doubt. There’s already a lot of stigma towards the lgbtq and I don’t want something like this to make it worse. I don’t even feel pity for her (I hope she has ingrown toenails for the next twenty years) but I do think about the impact it’ll have on other gay bbs and just our image as a whole.
Redditor: If you don’t want to go the career ruiner route send the pics to her parents instead
OOP: I like that idea bc her mom LOVES me, kinda sad to let go of her family bc her mom and me always had fun baking together on Christmas ☹️
Redditor: Do you know if your ex sent those "special" pictures to weirdo mccreep?
OOP: Yeah :/ she sent one
Redditor: I hope there's an update. Sending it to her boss is definitely not too far, she hurt you and broke the workplace rules. If she wanted to keep the job then she would have followed the rules.
I'd also like to say you're taking this well, you really are good at remaining calm. I'm sure you'll find someone much better.
OOP: I really only have two options, be a crying mess on the floor (which I did cry a lot because it still hurts to be betrayed like that) or pick myself up. I’m still really hurt but being sad while shaking some ass with my friends at a party feels better than being sad all alone and wallowing!
Redditor: I avoid people with revenge stories 90% of the times. Who knows what they’ll do to you if you screw up / get falsely accused
OOP: No offense but sending your partners nudes to your affair partner so they can know if you have fake boobs is something you should be scorned for. If you aren’t doing shitty things like that, you shouldn’t be worried.
Redditor: Beyond your hypothetical situation, my point still stands. Ruining someone’s job is way worse than sending a private photo. And they’re still in the wrong, I’m just saying you should just move on.
OOP: Sending a photo of me to someone who could do who knows what with it can certainly ruin my life equal to having her internship taken away. Let’s not pretend like it hasn’t for many people, especially women. To pretend like someone’s nudes being passed around hasn’t caused those things or worse is disingenuous.
"I know I’m putting on a brave front but I’m genuinely so sad that this all happened especially seeing her talk about me the way she did and send the photos I trusted her to have. I truly did love her and would’ve done anything for her. A small part of me still loves her now even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m strong enough to not take her back but it still hurts to have this image of who I fell in love with isn’t the reality. I really didnt think she capable of doing the things she’s done :("
Hi all! I appreciate all the kind words you all left me, it definitely made this whole thing feel a lot less lonely. I’m finally in a space where I feel like I can update.
So as many of you know I went through with taking all of my stuff back and leaving the things she got me with print outs of all the messages between them. I also ended up dumping a ton of glitter on her (naked) mattress and basically the whole place. I also called her mother who I was very close with and to say she was angry was an understatement. I left her number unblocked because I wanted to see her reaction if she had any at all. As expected, she had a total meltdown. She texted me 84 times begging me to come back to talk, apologizing and saying she didn’t mean it and was just trying to make the other girl feel less insecure, I was the most beautiful woman she’s ever met and she didn’t want to lose me, saying she loved me blah blah blah. It was honestly pathetic. She also called me a ton of times but I didn’t answer. I haven’t listened to the voicemails either. She also thought it was a great idea to wait for me outside of my 8 am class with flowers and I told her if she did it again I’d contact the university for harassment.
I’ve been staying with my friend and it’s honestly been a lot better than I expected. I’ve been partying a lot over the weekend with my friends. Now, after posting my original post I received a flood of comments which made me reconsider and I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to email her internship. To make it short for the people who don’t care that much, I did end up emailing the head of the program. Not because she cheated on me but because the both of them were sending my nude photos between the two of them. I’m still deciding if I want to take legal action on a personal level. But with their line of work, I don’t think their behavior is appropriate. Especially because the other woman’s hateful nature towards specific types of women she deems worthless. I emailed the head of the program the extent of the issue and however he decides to handle it is his choice.
Side note: I did end up giving her sheets and duvet to a homeless woman I found and I plan on selling the textbooks I bought her and donating the money to homeless and animal shelters.
From the comments:
"I’m gonna take a couple months for me and jump back into dating when I feel like I’m ready :) this definitely messed with me emotionally and mentally but I’ll bounce back! What I feel now is not what I will feel forever 💖"
Again, I'm not OOP! To me, this is ending on a hopeful note - OOP got her revenge and her closure, and hopefully can now heal from the betrayal and move on.
A bartender wrote themselves a 100 extra dollars on a tip. Credit card company is telling me to pound sand. What are my options?
A few weeks ago I went to a bar in NYC while on a trip. My bill came out to around 60 dollars. I left a 20 dollar tip that would have brought the total to around 84 dollars. A few days later I see a charge for 184 on my credit card. The bar does not have a phone number. The only way to contact them is through sending them a message on their website. I did and received no response. I attempted calling the hotel next door but they refused to get my in touch with the bar. It's too far for me to go in person. I filed a dispute with my credit card company who has now told me to pound sand because I dont have a receipt. Even though my copy of the receipt would only have the original bill amount of around 60 dollars anyway. Doesnt matter. They need a receipt. Also the bar legally has to hold on to receipts for several years for this reason. Doesnt matter, credit card company wont budge. What are my options?
Edit. Am I allowed to name and shame the bar and cc company here?
2nd edit. Wow this got alot of attention. For now I'm going to file a police report and call my CC company again. I will demand a manager and have the CFPB website open on a laptop and tell them if they dont help me I will file a complaint while in the phone with them and be sure to include the managers name in it. If that doesnt get me anywhere I will get the NYC liquor board involved. Thanks everyone for the advice. I will do another update once the dust has settled. Also I will be switching to another credit card.
This is what occurred over the next several days. I called the credit card company again who insisted I needed a receipt. Eventually I escalated it to a manager who said they could claim it as fraud. That would involve my current card being canceled and a new one sent to me. They money was returned to my account. The next day I got an e-mail stating the claim was denied, and the money was taken from my account again. I once again called the cc company, and was told I needed a receipt again and that the person who ran the fraud claim shouldn't have because it wasn't technically fraud. I escalated to a manager again. They eventually agreed to just give me a credit of 100 dollars to my account courtesy of the company. Likely just so I would stop yelling at them. It has been a week and the case is considered closed. The bar/ bartender got to keep the money they took, but I also was refunded by the CC company. I asked the manager about this policy of needing the receipt and they refused to budge or say otherwise. Every single person I talked to (about 10) all said that a receipt is needed for ANY dispute. They do not protect their customers. I put a streaming service subscription on the card to keep it active. But will never use it again. I have switched to a different cc company for my daily use card. Thanks for all the attention this got.
CONCLUDED AITA for refusing to get rid of my pet snake even though my stepsiblings-to-be are scared of him?
Trigger Warning: emotional neglect
Mood Spoiler: OOP gets to keep Frederick the snake
Original Post: November 17, 2022
I am 15, and I have a ball python. His name is Frederick. My grandparents got him for me a year ago and paid for everything I needed to get started, but since then I have paid for everything he needs with my own money. I am not exaggerating when I say that I love my snake and consider him part of my family. My mom recently got engaged, and my stepdad-to-be has kids. They are all nice, and we normally get along very well, but we have started to have an issue.
They are scared of/just don't like Frederick. He is really nice and would never hurt anyone and even looks cute, they just don't like him since he's a snake. When they started coming over a lot, I was just told to move his enclosure into my room. However, now that our parents got engaged, they are going to be moving in with us. My stepbrother is going to be sharing a room with me. He is 11. However, he doesn't want to be in the room if Frederick is in there.
Our house isn't big enough for him to get his own room, his sisters are going to be sharing a room with my sister, my parents have their room, and then we have an office. I offered to move Frederick out of my room again, but that won't work for the other kids. My mom has told me I might just have to let go so that everyone can be happy, but I have refused.
I do not, under any circumstances, want to lose him. My mom said I could get a new snake once I'm old enough to move out and it would only be a few years, Both my stepdad and my mom have offered me money and other stuff to get rid of him or that we could get a different pet, but I have refused to accept that. I don't want to sound spoiled or anything, but I want Frederick and only Frederick.
I feel that if my stepsiblings just gave it a chance and actually tried to get to know him even a little bit, they would be able to live with him, but they just won't. They have decided to not like him and won't let me try to change their minds. I know that they will have to live with us somehow, and this will have to be resolved. I asked other family and my friends, and people are split. So please, am I in the wrong for refusing to budge on this?
Edit: I can't sleep so I will talk to my parents in the morning. It's only been an hour, but you guys already have me seriously considering asking about moving in with my grandparents for the time being, probably just until they can get a bigger house.
I will also ask them about just moving someone into the office or keeping Frederick in there, however since his even being in the house is an issue this might not work.
If I do move him to my grandparents' house, I would rather be with him. Thanks for all the support you guys have given me, I really appreciate it.
Someone points out that not EVERYONE is ok with it since OOP isn't, and also sis has to share a room with 2:
"From what I have been able to tell. the only people who mind are me and my sister. I really only care because of the situation with Frederick. and my sister cares because her room is going to have 2 new people, it's a tight fit. The other kids haven't complained at least, except my stepbrother because of Frederick being there."
Someone asks if OOP can live with their grandparents:
"I'm not sure if this is a joke or not, but I'm super close with them. Since I'm older they wouldn't have to do a ton of work, but it still might be a lot. I can ask them if I can stay for a bit, but I don't think I could move in with them full-time or even if that's legal. It's also kind of like how I said I didn't know if I could do it with Frederick because it would be rude to spring that kind of responsibility on them, but like x50. idk, maybe tho"
"It could work. And since I do school online, it really wouldn't even be that inconvenient. If I want to hang out with my friends, they can just drive me, but we mostly play video games with each other and I can just do that from their house. I'll talk to my mom and my grandparents. Thanks"
As to if the science teacher can take Frederick:
"I do online school. but it was my science teacher who actually got me into snakes in the first place. (She teaches 7-12, so I've had her the whole time) I told her that they were my favorite animal and she told me she kept snakes and when I got them, she gave me advice on how to do everything. Shout-out to Mrs. Harris if you're reading this"
Commenter asks if OOP's sister minds Frederick now:
"Not at all. She was nervous at first, but now she loves him almost as much as I do."
Update Post: November 22, 2022
Hey everyone. I'm back on this account to give you guys an update. I really appreciate the support you guys gave me.
I talked to my parents about options with Frederick the morning after I posted, since I posted late at night since I couldn't sleep. In the end, after some convincing, I am now staying with my grandparents, along with Frederick (my snake for those of you who didn't read the original post)
My parents jumped on the idea, and since I do online school and they live so close by I was able to switch pretty quickly. As a family, we have decided that this is the best for everyone. My parents agreed that the house was overcrowded, and my step-siblings-to-be couldn't live with Frederick, and I refused to part with him.
In the end, my two step-sisters moved into the office, my parents moved that stuff into their room, and I moved to my grandparents' house. Today I came home and got more of my things, and this will be our arrangement until my parents can get a new, bigger house.
So in the end, Frederick is safe and everyone is happy! Everything has been going well so far, but it's only been a few days. Hopefully, everything stays good!
About the mom:
"She didn't want me to leave at first, but she didn't want to figure something else out, so I convinced her. And even if she did just throw me away as other people have said, I don't really care. All I care about is that I'm still with Frederick."
About the sister:
"She's good. She came to visit today and she says that now she is much happier now that there aren't 3 people to her room."
About the grandparents:
"Yeah. They're really awesome, not just as in being cool, but they literally inspire awe for me."
OOP, I truly wish you and Frederick the best. I'm glad you have Frederick and your grandparents. Give Frederick a hug (not sure if snakes like being hugged...) or some treats from all of us- he sounds like a good boy!
As a reminder, as per the rules of BORU, please do not comment on OOP's posts.
REPOST AITA for spending a large amount of money in a trip with my dad instead of paying the debt on my boyfriends house?
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/[deleted] in r/amitheasshole
I (29F) recently got in a fight with my boyfriend (30M) and his family because I refused to spend my savings in a house payment that could result in him getting kicked out of the house.
So, context: I've deal with mental health problems all my life, but when I turned 20 I was at my worst. Due to that, I couldn't mantain a stable job while studying in college. My parents have always been suportive with me. They let me live with them and my dad paid for my psychologist, medicines, all my college education and maintained me until I was 24 while also taking care of my mom and my 3 younger sibilings. He's a super hardwork man and I've seen him quit to thinks he enjoys and loves to give me and my sibilings the best he can. Top tier parenting and I love him to death.
Fast foward to this year, I've stable job that pays really well and I've been saving money for the past 5 years cuz I wanted to do something for my dad as a thank you for all the sacrifices he has done for me. His dream has always been to go to Disneyworld (we are not from the USA) and stay in one of those fancy hotels, but he was never able to do it and now that he is retired, he though he would never be able to. So I have been saving money in secret to make it happend, the only one that knew about my savings was my mom and she loved the idea.
I've been with my bf for 1 and a half years now, he has a good job but he is not the best at taking care of his economy. He bought his house before we meet and he is still paying for it. Due to his poor management of money, he start to accumulating a debt in the house payments and a few weeks ago he told me that there is a chance of him losing his house if he doesn't pay the debt.
Last week I finally reached my goal and had enough money to take my dad to his dream trip, just the 2 of us. I told my bf and I was really excited but he was livid and told me that how could I be so selfish and go on a "stupid vacation trip" when he is about to get kicked out of his house. He also told me that if we were in for the long run, I should help him to get out of his debt because that could eventually be my house too (we don't live together, I live in a small apartment). He also told me that his trust was betrayed cuz I've been hidding the money savings from him and "a good partner does not do that".
I told him that it was not my responsibility to pay for his debt, but he keep yelling and me so I left. He told his mom and sister about it and now both of them have been harassing me, going to my apartnent and to my work telling me how horrible I am for not helping him and trying to convince me to pay his debt.
I get that my bf is going though a hard time but this is something I've been working really hard to achive and since my dad is starting to have difficulties to walk, with his eyesight and his health in general is getting worst, I don't want to wait anylonger to take him in this trip. Am I the asshole?
Ok, first thank yall so much for the advice and knocking some sense into me. I read all the comments and tried to watch my situation from all the perspectives you gave me, so thank you!
So, here is what happened. After things calmed down a little, my bf and I talked. He actually apologized and told me that he never intended to come that aggressive, he was just very stressed with his situation and took it on me. He also talked to her mother and sister to stop harassing me. He told me he didn't knew they went to see me, that he only vented with them cuz he was angry but never told them to do anything (which I kinda belive, his family has always been a bit too much). He recognized that it was not ok from him to expect money from me but he did wanted to be with me and he even started talking about living together.
I told him I understood that he was stressed and I also apologized for beeing insensitive and talk about spending all that money on a trip when I knew he was struggling, that was totally on me and I did feel bad for that. But I told him that he had no right at beeing mad at me for "keeping my savings a secret" when he hasn't been transparent with his finances either, I didn't even knew how much his debt was until that day cuz he never wanted to talk about it with me. Basically, I told him I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with someone that reacts that way about something I care so much about and acuse me of being selfish.
So I broke up with him, saying maybe we needed some time apart, and he was NOT happy about that. Long story short, it was a very dramatic and nasty breakup but I got out of there and I am safe for now, thankfully. Yall were right, I dodged a bullet there. I also managed to keep it all from my dad, so the trip is still a surprise for him (gotta thank my mom for that).
I have already started to book things for the trip. I'm planning it to be in october, since I've seen Halloween is a really huge thing there, also hoping the wave in Florida passes (I'll re-schedule for next year if necesary) I saw all the tips in the comments and I took notes, so thank you guys for those too! I'll give my dad the news on his birthday mid september once I've everything booked and ready 💖 Again, thank yall so much!
TL;DR: I broke up with him and I'm taking my dad to Disney in october!
Ps.: sorry for format, grammar or spelling errors, I'm not a native english speaker and it's my first time using reddit lol.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA for refusing to wear a wig to my friend’s wedding? - 15 June 2019
Just as a little background, I grew up in a very strict Christian family where I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair, ever, because “hair is a woman’s crown”. It was down to my knees by the time I escaped at 18. Ever since then I’ve either had a pixie, a buzz cut or have been totally bald, because I cannot stand the heavy feeling of long hair or all the brushing/washing/detangling after dealing with it for so many years. So that’s a big reason I’m so stubborn about this issue. Also, all of my friends involved in this story have always known me as the girl with no hair. Right now I’m bald because I always shave my head completely for the summer.
One of my good friends is getting married in August and she chose me to be one of her bridesmaids. Everything had been cool, she’s always been the sweetest person and she showed no signs of going Bridezilla before this, until she called me up about three weeks ago and asked me if I could do her a favor and wear a wig to her wedding. She explained that she wanted all of her bridesmaids to match and that she wanted us all to look good in the pictures. I told her I really didn’t want to get a wig, and we’ve been on bad terms ever since.
All of our friends are on her side because “it’s just a wig” and “it’s not like she’s asking you to grow out your hair for the wedding, so she’s not the one being unreasonable.” And I know I can be very stubborn sometimes, which I guess is the reason I’m posting here.
The thing is, I don’t know how many of you will be aware of this but a wig that will actually look good/realistic is expensive. I’ve already paid for a bridesmaid’s dress, new shoes, and plane tickets, as well as a small deposit for the person who’s going to do our makeup. This wedding has already cost me a fortune. I could afford a wig if I wanted to, but do I really want to spend the money on something I’ll never wear again when I’ve already spent a ton? Not really.
Also, this is going to be on a plantation in Louisiana. In August. I’m already going to be hot and uncomfortable, and a wig will make things a thousand times worse.
My biggest reason-and this is why my friends are saying I’m the asshole-is the principle of the thing. I feel like it implies I look bad because I don’t have hair, which I personally don’t think is true. Is being bald so hideous I’ll ruin her pictures? Is she going to make her balding father wear a toupee? And I think the “I want us to match” thing is stupid. We’re already wearing matching dresses, why isn’t that enough? I know it’s “her day” and we’re supposed to make her happy, but isn’t there a line?
I’ve offered to wear a cute headscarf as a compromise if my bald head is that offensive, but she’s not having it. I’m still in the bridal party and invited but I don’t know for how much longer, honestly. AITA for not wanting to wear a wig?
EDIT: Just to add two things: 1. She’s not willing to pay or reimburse me for the wig, in part or in full 2. Along with the headscarf I’d also be willing to grow my hair out into a pixie cut, the wedding is at the beginning of August so it’d still be really short though.
So first of all, thank you so much for your replies and advice! I’m writing an update post because things ended up working out well, and because I want people to see my friend isn’t actually a horrible person like people were saying she was.
I texted her asking if we could work things out over a phone call (we don’t live in the same state, so our relationship is over phone and text). It turns out a lot of you were right and my friend was being pressured to ask me to wear a wig. Her future mother in law found out about my shaved head and pitched a fit. Like I said in a comment, my friend can be a huge pushover, and this woman is apparently a nightmare. She’s also paying for vast majority of the wedding, so my friend felt even more beholden to what she wanted.
That’s why she told me she couldn’t pay for the wig: mother in law refused to. Neither of them knew how expensive a good wig can be, my friend only found out when I told her over the phone. That’s also why our dresses, shoes and makeup weren’t covered. It turns out my friend is mortified by what she sees as her mother in law making her look cheap and greedy, but she didn’t want to tell us that because she’s already embarrassed to be relying on her mother in law’s money. (Apparently it’s her fiancé’s family insisting on a huge extravagant wedding.)
That’s why her reasons didn’t ring true to me as well. She didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me that her mother in law was being so judgmental of me, so she basically blurted out the first things that came into her head. She assured me she thinks I look great with short hair and apologized for making me think she thought I look bad.
I know people will question how I can believe her, but I’ve been friends with her for nearly ten years and I give her the benefit of the doubt. We’ve been there for each other through a lot and really care about one another.
I’m still side eyeing the plantation wedding but I didn’t tell her that because she seemed so stressed out by essentially being bullied by her fiancé’s family I didn’t want to pile on. I do know for a fact that she only wanted that venue for the big oak trees all over the property, which are admittedly beautiful. I went to the plantation’s website and they do acknowledge slavery’s evils and even have a memorial to everyone who was enslaved there, so that makes me feel slightly better.
I did tell her that asking me as a mixed girl to wear a blonde wig could be seen as racially insensitive and I explained why. She was horrified and apologized over and over sincerely. She wants to stand out from her bridesmaids in pictures, and she didn’t even consider the racial implications of asking me because most of her bridesmaids are blonde. She’s kind of oblivious to things like that (so are a lot of people!) but the few times I’ve had to point out something she said could be hurtful she’s always been understanding instead of defensive.
I decided I’m going to grow out my hair as much as possible for the wedding just to help her not get grief from her monster in law. It’ll still be pretty short, so that’s okay. She’s fine with that too except she was worried I’ll still have to deal with snide remarks from her fiancé’s family. I reassured her that after nearly a decade with short hair I’ve pretty much heard it all. By the time we hung up I felt way better not only about the wedding, but about our friendship.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Original (14 Nov 22)
When people ask why I’m not in our family pictures, I’m going to tell them the truth.
A couple of weeks ago, my wife asked if we could have professional family photos taken. I said that money was too tight between our daughter's birthday, a trip to her parents' for Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I asked her if we could wait until after Christmas; she said no. She never brought it back up. I didn’t think anything of it because I assumed she was planning on taking them herself.
The other day, one of my tires blew out, and I went to our emergency fund to cover it. That’s when I discovered that she took three hundred dollars out of it to pay for photos. THREE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS.
I know it sounds pathetic, but when I saw that shit, I broke down. The last couple of years have been horrible for us. I got laid off and she got sick in the same year. We eventually both found new jobs, but we never fully recovered financially. It took months and months of hard work just to get our emergency fund to that point. Now half of it is gone right before Christmas for fucking photos.
When I confronted her about it, she didn’t even try to deny it. She just said that she deserves to have nice photos. I begged her to try and get that money back, but she said no.
The photo session she booked is next Saturday, but I won’t go. She keeps threatening me, saying that people are going to ask why I’m not in them and that I’m going to look bad. I’m sure she’s right, but I’m counting on it. When people ask why I’m not there, I’ll tell them exactly what happened. I don’t care if it’s in person or on her Facebook page. I’m going to let everyone know what she did.
Since having pictures to show off is more important to her than our family’s safety, it seems only right that her family and friends should know that.
I feel like I’m married to a stranger. The woman I married would have never betrayed me like that.
Update (22 Nov 22)
Update: When people ask why I’m not in my family pictures, I’m going to tell them the truth.
I contacted the photographer directly. I didn’t think it would work, but I decided to try it after so many people suggested it. I told my wife that I changed my mind about the photos and asked to see the photographer's other work. She gave me the website. Then I sent the photographer an email explaining the entire situation. I was shocked by how understanding she was. She refunded us right away. The only catch is that my wife is banned from using her services.
I had planned on sitting my wife down to talk. However, the photographer sent her an email before I could. She was pissed. She wouldn’t stop yelling at me until I told her I was considering leaving her.
She calmed down after that. I told her how angry and disgusted I was that she would act so irresponsibly. I asked her why she would do something like this. She said she deserved nice photos after the last couple of shitty years. I pointed out that we both had hundreds, if not thousands, of family photos saved on our phones. She said they weren’t high quality enough, and that we didn’t look nice enough in them.
I responded back that we could have gone to JCPenney, or just fucking waited and budgeted for them. She said that she didn’t want JCPenney style portraits, and that she wanted Christmas pictures. I told her that it doesn’t matter, and that financial safety was more important than fucking photos. I said if she didn’t agree, it meant that we were incompatible as a couple.
She apologized but didn’t agree. She still wants to stay together and try to work through our issues. I agreed to try on two conditions: 1) we separate our finances, and 2) we do a trial separation. She agreed. We’re splitting the bills 60/40, which is proportionate to our incomes, and splitting the emergency fund 50/50. We’re also taking turns sleeping on the couch.
I know a lot of you wanted me to leave her, but I can’t do that. I want to see my daughter every day, not fifty percent of the time. I owe it to her to at least try and make this marriage work. As angry as I am at my wife, we have gone through hell together. I can’t throw that away without trying to make it better.
The trip to her parents isn’t happening anymore. We evenly split the hundred dollars we saved for gas. My wife can’t afford the trip without my half. She’s angry that I won’t give it up. I told her that when I said separate finances, I meant separate finances. Besides, after paying for the tire and the tow, my half of the emergency fund is depleted. I need every dollar to build it back up again. I also want to stay in town with my parents.
I suggested she dip into her half of the emergency fund, but she told me she already used it to book a different photographer for her and my daughter.
Last Saturday, I borrowed a couple of sleds from a buddy of mine and took my kid sledding. I want us to build real memories together, not photos posted for likes. I think that twenty years from now, she’ll remember that more fondly than the photoshoot her mother has planned.
Reminder - I'm not the OOP
CONCLUDED My girlfriend[F27] shot herself after I[30M] left her house and is in recovery, causing everyone to ghost me. I left her.
trigger warnings: self harm, attempted suicide
Hello everyone, this is the original poster with a new username. I had made the other account specifically to talk about stuff related to my work but never actually posted with it. I made this one to comply with the sub's rules which I previously did not know about.
I will comment go out with the original to verify but I just wanted to give an update and thank everyone who chimed in from the bottom of my heart. You guys literally have kept me sane and show me that I wasn't crazy. I sincerely thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
This is a sensitive topic and I'm not going to go into detail for obvious reasons. I am actively being kept in the dark by her family and honestly these days have blended together.
We have been together for almost 3 years off and on. This is by far my longest relationship. We've had a lot of Trials and most of it pertains to our mental struggles. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was me but we made it work. I know this is going to sound cheesy but I really feel like she is my soulmate.
There has been an ongoing issue with her lashing out and me enduring it. Twice, I canceled gigs for my job so I could stay up late at night to talk her out of hurting herself. That has been a constant clash between us. She feels I think she's ugly because of scars on her wrists and legs and thinks it is not my place to try to get her help.
The past year has been rough on both of us and I've not been able to be there mentally for her as much as I was in the past. I am in a place in my career where I have been busy for the first time in my life and I'm fortunate enough to have a full-time job during these times.
The thing is we haven't really been fighting leading up to this. The last time I saw her was peaceful and I honestly thought we were better than we ever had been. We had just talked about finally getting to go see the ocean once everything had settled down.
She just asked if I could call off tomorrow to spend the day with her so we could smoke and hang out. I just said I was busy and she took it okay if I thought. Nothing changed. And I left after an hour or so because I really needed to get some sleep.
I got a call at about 6 the next morning, she'd shot herself with her friend's gun. Her mom told me she would rather not see me there. I didn't go to work so I just sat at my home in shock. Nobody would tell me anything. It's really broken a lot of trust with a lot of people that I would call life long friends. I don't want to know every detail I just wanted to make sure she was okay.
A few days later, her dad called and said I could go visit her. He didn't say much, just that something else had happened too. She's had other medical problems. She was asleep when I saw her. They think she's going to recover pretty confidently. I was there 10 minutes before her dad ushered me out. I tried to talk to a doctor but he kept nudging me to leave.
About three more days later, her sister called me and said that she may be coming home soon. And that's when she told me I would have a chance to make things right. I asked what she meant and apparently my girlfriend blamed me for everything. She sent a text accusing me of abandoning her and saying things I never would dream of saying. She also states that I had borrowed the gun for my friend and gave it to her. That doesn't make sense.
She ended the call with "once she comes home, you can focus on helping her and saving your relationship". That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything since. Social media has been quiet, no calls or texts. The only people I've been around is when I'm at the bar and people are just as surprised as I am to learn that I don't know nothing.
It just doesn't add up to me. If they think I did these awful things,why would anyone want me back with her? Is she awake right now? I've searched a bit but I can't really find anything out. I have called my friend who owns the firearm multiple times and I am pretty close to just driving up to his house to figure out what is going on or at least get him to tell her family the truth.
I sent her sister a text telling her the truth in every detail how about what happened when I was there. I even sent her screenshots of us wishing each other a good night and talking about how we could hang out that weekend when I'm off work.
Anyhow, the main thing of this post as I need advice because I'm planning on breaking up with her at the moment. This was just too far for me and I can't handle it. I feel awful just typing this, I am bawling my eyes out right now but I can't help someone who doesn't want help and would say those things about me.
I am being treated so horribly for something I didn't do and I need peace. I really love her and I would honestly be in that hospital bed instead of her if I could. But this has crossed a line. Normally we would fight and one of us would cave. I would be mad and within a day be wanting to talk to her again.
I don't. I don't think I could ever look someone in the eyes after they've done something like that to me. I feel like a piece of shit. Have they even deleted every picture of us off my phone and if it wouldn't stir anything up, I would remove everything related to her from social media.
I know this is out of everyone's pay grade. I just need to know him wrong thinking this way?Is there something I'm missing?I am just dumbfounded and I don't tell who what is real anymore.
A couple days after the post, I met with the mother in person. I asked her to meet with me through text. She has always loved me since I started dating her daughter years ago. I can confidently say that they are not going to come after me legally or there is any malicious intent. Unfortunately the person I loved did indeed say awful things about me and lie. She will recover from the shooting.
I showed her the messages, I showed her a text where my girlfriend was joking about wanting to keep the pistol grips clarifying it was my friend's gun. I also showed her texts during some of the rougher times, me staying up all night to talk her out of self-harm, etc. She also agreed to me recording us talking with my phone. This time has gotten everyone paranoid and I needed to know that there was no twist or ambush coming.
We both cried a few times talking. I also dropped the bomb that I would be leaving her daughter. She is officially my ex and I feel torn about that but I have to get away. Her mom agrees that it was unfair and horrible for her to lie about me. And that feels so validating and painful, hearing it out loud that her daughter lied. She promised to get her help and apologized to me.She even said that she would still consider me a son.
I have no ill-will towards her family and I hope they have none for me. I understand they were just trying to protect their daughter and based on her story, I was this manipulative monster who tried rob them of her. I also want to clarify that I was unofficially barred from seeing her at the hospital. I could have gone but I didn't want to make a grieving families time harder and I am thankful for the time they did let me see her.
Her sister texted me and apologized as well. A day later, yesterday, I met with my friend who owned the gun. I showed up at his house after he continuously ignored me. It was basically a huge misunderstanding. He was afraid that I was angry at him for letting her borrow the gun and I took his silence on the issue as validating her lie. We're good. I have a friend now.
I have also signed up for counseling and will be going to my first online appointment Saturday. As for my job, I am taking a week leave using my vacation days, the time I was going to use to go to the beach with her, because while I did continue to work throughout all this. I need a break.
As for my ex, I believe she's home. I have blocked her on everything and I have no intention of talking to her again. Some of her eyes were very personal and there is no other way to take what she said. It fucking hurts. I have loved this person more than I have loved anyone in this world.
But this is something I have to do completely or not at all.I have texted our mutual friends, my entire friend group, stating that I would gladly talk to any of them and set the record straight and I've even received a couple replies showing support for me. Which kinda seems hollow honestly.
At the end of the day, I think I will be okay now. I do love my ex, her family has always treated me right and accepted me in when mine would not. I will always be thankful for them. I'm pretty sure my friend group will continue on without me or her though I may end up breaking down sooner or later because of it.
I feel like I've lost out on a chapter of my life. Years wasted.I feel irrationally angry sometimes. I know we didn't have the best relationship but I didn't deserve that. It helps me to keep repeating that to myself. In some ways I might have saved her life. I did make a point to mention to both the mother and sister that I could have posted every bit of our dirty laundry on Facebook, but I'm not going to do that unless provoked.
That is not a threat. They both understood that I mean that in case my ex tries to come after me in anyway. It still hurts like right now typing this. But I hope it will with time.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
To the person who watched my partner's stream last night, thank you.
You have no idea how much your one view meant to my husband. After he ended the stream, he woke me up just to tell me that someone tuned in for almost the whole stream. I haven't seen him smile like that in so long.
You don't know the stress he's been under. Having a kid and losing his job, all at the start of a pandemic has taken it's toll. But I finally convinced him to start streaming like he's been talking about doing for years, telling him he was stuck at home anyway so why not. He was so afraid that if anyone tuned in, they would just make fun of him. But you spent almost 3 hours watching and talking to him. You made him feel a little more confident. He's been smiling all morning.
I can't even begin to express the gratitude I feel for you at the moment. Thank you, thank you so much.
Several people in the comments start asking for his user name
Right off the bat, because so many people are still asking for it. He streams on twitch and his user name is [removed for privacy].
I don't even know what to say. This blew up like crazy. So many of you went over to follow him and a lot of you tuned into his stream- there was over 100 concurrent viewers at one point. He might get to be an affiliate soon and some people already have donated, it's absolutely crazy. And I have so many messages and notification on here, I'm gonna try to get to everything as soon as I can.
Adam's working on getting a bunch of this set up for his next stream. He's gonna get a camera since a lot of viewers asked for it, and he's getting a bunch of other things set up to make it look nice. He's been non-stop smiles and can't wait to stream more later. Thank you to everyone who gave him a chance, both those who are sticking around and those who aren't. You made his night, and likely his entire day/week/month and possibly year. You have no idea how much this meant to him. You guys are so amazing.
And an extra big thank you to everyone who has been offering to help him get everything set up. You guys are so wonderful and generous. I know a bunch of you were helping him get this figured out and I really appreciate it.
He'll be streaming again tonight, and likely a lot more now. So if you enjoy his stream or want to come check him out, stop by and say hi. Again, thank you all so very much. I wish their was a way to show just how much it's meant to us.
Please remember I am not the Original Poster. Please do not comment on the Original Posts as it's against the rulles
The wife and I have been married for 3 beautiful years. Problem is she doesn’t enjoy my hobbies as much as I do. The mrs used to happily join me on adventures such as camping, or fishing. Now she won’t so much as go on a simple hike with me. We have a 7 year old and since the kiddo, these “adventures” have been a little tough to plan and follow through with, which I understand, but it can be hard on me. I like to get out at least once a week to clear the mind but now that’s been reduced to around once a month. She is upset every time I leave on a quick trip to the Rockies etc. because I’m not helping enough with the kid. I’ve told her numerous times they should both come along but she never agrees to this as she “no longer enjoys those type of things”. Should I give up on the sites I love to see, and adventures I can’t help but indulge in? I do want to be there for my family but I can’t cut these things out of my life forever, but that’s what she expects of me. Advice is greatly appreciated.
OP is asked how often his wife gets to leave without the kid:
She has girls weekends/nights out around once a week to every other week. She just doesn’t like camping anymore and she definitely doesn’t like me camping either. She for sure does most of the hard work with our child as I have a job and I greatly appreciate her for it. When she goes out with the ladies I’m there for the kiddo and if she need a break there I am. It’s no problem I just want to camp more is all.
My wife cheated on me and says it’s not her fault.
This past weekend the kiddo and I went on a two day camping trip for some father-son bonding time. My wife doesn’t like camping herself at all anymore and doesn’t even appreciate our kid and I going. This is a big hobby for me and I want to share with my son. Usually we argue a lot about my trips especially if I request to bring our child, but this time she was oddly cooperative about the whole thing, but still insisted she wouldn’t join us. I was surprised but didn’t question anything because I was so excited that she was finally allowing us to go and I didn’t want her to change her mind. I thought we had finally found a common ground and the arguments were ending!
I was wrong.
We had a great trip and returned back on Monday. We expected to come home to an empty house as my wife should have been at her office for a few more hours. I walked the kid up to his room as he was exhausted and ready for a nap. After, I walked into our bedroom to find a naked man in my bed. I recognized him as my wife’s coworker whom I have met numerous times at her work functions.
At first I was in disbelief and even wondered if I was in the right house. Then my wife walked out of our bathroom, also naked, and I had no more doubts. She looked petrified when she saw me. I have never been so angry. I yelled at the dude to get out of my house so I could speak to my wife. He grabbed his clothes and left. Then we started arguing. I never yell at my wife, we always want to keep things civil for our son but I was so hurt I was screaming. Then my wife decides to get defensive saying it’s not her fault that I am barely around and camp so much, even though I hardly go on trips anymore because she doesn’t like it. She says “that’s what drove me to do this, your neglect to this family.” I was in tears at that point. I just don’t understand how her cheating could be my fault.
When I turned around to leave my son was standing in the doorway and I felt terrible for yelling. I quickly consoled him but my wife snapped at me again telling me to get my hands off him. Now she won’t speak to me and says I can’t see MY child until I apologize. Apologize for what? She said we could go on this trip. She planned to cheat and that kills me. It makes me wonder if she has done this before.
I’m stuck staying with my parents right now. I don’t know what to do, I want to see my son. I’m worried I really scared my child and of course I would apologize to him, just not my wife but maybe it is my fault.
TL;DR - My wife cheated on me while my son and I were on a camping trip, she says it’s my fault for camping “too much.”
Update: I’m back home now, decided it was best to get here ASAP. Things are quiet but I’m relieved to be back in the same space as my son. Thank you all for the advice and kind words, it means so much. I’ll keep you all updated if you’d like.
Edit: Thank you all again for the support, I appreciate it :) sorry I can’t reply to everyone there’s a lot of you and things are tough right now. But thank you so much.
Edit: In case of any confusion, I am Canadian.
This is a follow up to my last post about my cheating wife.
For the past week, I have been working with a lawyer to initiate the process of divorce and gaining full custody of my son, with the exception of visitation for now until more is resolved.
Things were awkward and tense for the first few days of me being back home, so my wife, using “wife” to keep things simple and identities private, decided to leave to stay with the guy I found naked with her. I’m disappointed at the example she’s setting for our son, but this makes my decision to divorce even more concrete.
I will continue to share as much as I can if that’s what people would like, but of course, court has its confidentialities that I must keep within boundaries of.
I want to thank everyone for the continued support you all have shown me throughout this tough time in my life, I really do appreciate it.
Edit: I just want to note, please don’t just blame women/use this situation to be misogynistic.
My (now) ex wife revealed she is pregnant with a man she cheated with and no longer wants to see our child.
This is another (and most likely final) update about my ex. See my past posts for more information if you’d like.
I expected my last update to be the final post regarding my marriage, but this felt like a necessary thing to share.
Last week I received several texts from my ex saying she was pregnant with an unknown man’s child. Obviously meaning she cheated with multiple other people before the one I found out about. She said she plans to keep the baby and start a family with her coworker (other posts have context). She also mentioned that she wouldn’t be fighting me for custody of our son. I told her I would be willing to split the custody or at least keep visitation rights for the sake of the kiddo, but she insisted she didn’t care about that anymore.
I am honestly in awe. I’m shocked she has given up on everything about the family we had, but I am most hurt for my son.
At the end of the day she isn’t worth wasting any more of my energy on. I have been spending every moment I can with my kid and will continue to do so. I’m starting to feel more like myself again and I can’t wait to get back into adventures and nature :)
I’d like to say a final thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement I will always be grateful for that.
Tobias out ✌️(for now)
I am flairing this concluded as OPs wife has completely checked out of both the marriage and her relationship with her son