r/BestofRedditorUpdates Dec 01 '22

Father takes away 14-year-old daughter’s bedroom and gives it to his newborn son. INCONCLUSIVE

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ul107a/aita_for_taking_away_my_daughters_bedroom_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf - May 8, 2022

AITA for taking away my daughters bedroom and giving it to my son?

I(M32) have a daughter Harper(F14) from a previous relationship. I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life.

5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31) we tried to have a child but couldn't. We went to the doctor and turned out I can't have anymore kids due to some complications. We decided to use an sperm donor and the result was a son, Mark, who was born a few months ago.

The problems started when Nina got pregnant. Harper wasn't happy about it. When Mark was born things got worse. Before this Harper and I used to spend 2 days a week together, just the 2 of us without my wife but after Mark was born I couldn't do that anymore. I can't just leave my wife alone for 2 days a week with a newborn and Harper has been very angry about it.

The main problem started 3 days ago. Nina and I decided to make a nursery for Mark instead of having him in our bedroom for multiple reasons.

Our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 master bedrooms at one side and 2 bedrooms at the other side. One of the master rooms is ours, the other one is Harpers. It was very hard for Nina and I to go to the other side of the home multiple times at night when Mark wakes up so I asked Harper pack her stuff and go to one of the bedrooms so that we could give her room to Mark. At first everything seemed alright. She said ok and went to her room and started packing but less than an hour later my brother showed up at our home, asking for Harper. She had called him and asked him to take her. She came out of her room with her stuff, told me "you can give it to your son now" and left with my brother. I told her she could only go for one night but it has been 3 days and she is not back and wont even talk to me.

Im receiving calls from my family all calling me an AH and other names.

I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper. She was the first grandchild in our family and everyone's favorite also they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet so I decided to post here and get some unbiased opinions. AITA?

Verdict: YTA

UPDATE

Edit: Here is the update that I promised

I realized I've messed up so I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her, saying she doesn't want to see me.

He said he would only let her go back if:

  1. She wanted to go with me

  2. We move to another home close to their home because they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away which made Harper very sad.

  3. Harper will get to choose which bedroom she wants in our new home

  4. I should spend 1 on 1 time with Harper at least one day a week

Which I accepted.

This caused a lot of problems since my wife doesn't like some of those conditions. she thinks they are not reasonable. She got angry, took Mark and went to her parents home and is staying there so now I'm also receiving texts from my inlaws calling me an AH.

Right now Im looking for a new home that is closer to my brother's home

I called Harper and my brother convinced her to talk to me for once. she was crying the whole time while telling me that she felt like I didn't want her anymore. Hearing her cry like that really broke my heart. I honestly never meant to hurt her.

After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me. I will go to my brother's home everyday to spend time with Her. She has also finally agreed to come home with me when I find a new home.

Reminder — I am not the original poster.

11.2k Upvotes

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u/lilsnakcake Dec 01 '22

The amount of missing information here would fill up that 4th bedroom in their house…

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u/eyupjammy Dec 01 '22

Oh could you move all your missing information into another room please? I was going to make a home gym of the fourth bedroom.

1.5k

u/spiritsarise Dec 01 '22

But my BFF wants to use that room for his art projects.

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u/fortyfourcabbages Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 02 '22

I know I spend too much time in this subreddit when I recognize this reference 😂

Link for everyone asking:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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u/jabberwockjess Dec 01 '22

it's so ubiquitous now that AITA automatically delete it for being uncivil

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u/dart1126 Dec 01 '22

Aw man are you kidding? That’s like a favorite of mine I love seeing it referenced

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u/occasionalpart Dec 02 '22

Yeah, they did it to me recently. The reason was that the "art room" jokes have a homophobic undertone, which I don't doubt some bigots may have cheerfully grabbed.

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u/Rosebird17 Dec 01 '22

What about my yogurt collection?

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u/Pale_Willingness1882 Dec 01 '22

Art studio for my friend actually

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u/Mackheath1 Dec 01 '22

Many problems with his four-bedroom house; yes OOP is TA; but then these odd flags:

I went to my brothers home and tried to get Harper back but he didn't even let me see her

and

After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me.

There are plot holes here big enough to drive a MAC truck through.

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u/EremiticFerret Dec 01 '22

I think it was revealed in the update:

They moved away from his family because his wife didn't like them.

That, is what I belive they call, a clue.

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u/jackedjurisprudence Dec 01 '22

Another clue was where the brother said one of the conditions would be moving closer to make sure the kid is treated right. This was a huge red flag to me... not something that would be a condition if it were just about swapping the placement of a bedroom.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

Another clue is the need for 2 whole days of father-daughter activities without the step mother, which seems like a very wholesome thing until you read the whole story

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u/Danivelle Dec 01 '22

This reeks of "evil stepmother".

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u/Alan_Smithee_ Dec 01 '22

It kind of does.

I would normally expect a 14 year old to be enthusiastic about a room that gave her more privacy, provided it was a decent room.

Sounds like some therapy would be good, daughter, dad and daughter, then, lastly, depending on the outcome, step mother as well.

On the bright side, it’s good she has an uncle and aunt to go to. My wife and I have a few nieces and nephews, and we’ve always made sure they know they can always come to us for help, advice, or just space.

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u/neverthelessidissent Dec 02 '22

From the original comments, I think he admitted that the room he booted her from was much nicer and larger.

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u/ZombieePanda Dec 01 '22

Sounds like OOP’s wife probably doesn’t treat the daughter right. I don’t see why else a family member would insist on them moving closer to make sure she’s being treated right. The wife probably wanted to move away to isolate and cover up the treatment. OOP’s brother wanted to create a safe space.

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u/Ursula2071 Dec 01 '22

I bet she treated Harper like crap too. Like seriously, as soon as she got her baby, she was like, you can’t leave me alone ever with the baby! Let’s kick your daughter out her room so I don’t have to walk so far to get him at night- when the new baby should be in there room.

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u/EremiticFerret Dec 01 '22

Yes, smells like a "Harper isn't her *real* daughter" thing.

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u/everythingisopposite Dec 01 '22

More holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.

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u/PixelBoom Dec 01 '22

For real. So much context is missing. With the amount of info missing, I feel like it was far worse than was described by OOP.

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u/DMercenary Dec 01 '22

So much missing here that honestly every decision here is utterly bizarre. Swinging from "Hello Daughter, pack your shit and GTFO this is your brother's room now."

to "Okay I will buy an entire new house to move closer."

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u/whyhercules Dec 01 '22

OOP seems to just be clueless. Wifey says daughter needs to move room, he takes it as golden. Same when brother says they need to move closer. Wouldn’t be surprised if this equated to a lack of initiative in all areas of relationship and parenting, hence he saw no problem in having his daughter pack up her stuff rather than have an original thought and at least offer to help and make her feel a little less evicted

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u/Ida_Blownem Dec 01 '22

OOP sounds like someone that has deep-rooted issues with setting boundaries with everyone.

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u/Ursula2071 Dec 01 '22

Or give her both the other rooms, help decorate, etc. doesn’t seem like there was any discussion or reassurance throughout any of it until she said ok, I’ll get out of your life forever.

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u/AromaticIce9 Dec 01 '22

Yeah like, this could have easily been avoided with the slightest amount of communication.

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u/neonfuzzball Dec 01 '22

This is what it looks like when someone who has no capacity for independent thought chooses a vile person as their new master and follow them blindly.

Dude literally just never thought through anything. Just accepted what his wife said, and just echoed her words and thoughts. Wife says the daughter is a brat and unfairly favored by extended family, OOP just repeates it as if it's a universal truth. He's confused when things go wrong, because he did what he was told. And as the dimwitted doormat he is, his only possible solution to 'thing don't work good now" is to find someone else to blindly follow orders from. So now he blindly agrees with his brothers decisions BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY his brother's thoughts and reasonsings.

I remember a kid in school who would decide a show was his favorite and if you asked him why, he'd enthusiastically tell you all the things that someone else had told him yesterday. And he wasn't just a yes-man, he beleived it. Someone gave him a thought of their own, and he took it in like a lost puppy and kept it warm and cherished it like his own. Then that show got cancelled, he did not understand how a great show was cancelled! So he asked people about the show and some other kid explained why he'd always thought hte show was awful. Mr follow-the-leader from then odd would sagely nod and repeat these opinions as his own when talking about how the show was bad. And he was just as convinced of these opinions as the previous ones.

Basically, people like this ask for someone, anyone to think for them. Then they'll happy follow their directions until their life guru is proven wrong, and then they'll just seek a new person to follow blindly.

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u/Damasticator Dec 01 '22

Yeaaahhhh there's more to this than OOP is letting on.

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u/Leto2AndTheCrew Dec 01 '22

The missing info is he cares more for his wife and new son than his old wife and daughter. But really, it’s not missing at all…

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u/Damasticator Dec 01 '22

What I meant is that there were probably more incidents than what they wrote about.

22.3k

u/dcconverter Dec 01 '22 Wholesome Woah Dude

OOP has the will of a goldfish and just follows the last person they talked to

8.0k

u/thatHecklerOverThere Dec 01 '22 Wholesome

I think that's the one solid piece of information in this story. Dude just floating along like a damn jellyfish.

439

u/OddResponsibility565 Dec 01 '22

He’s a Roomba, just bouncing off the latest obstacle

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u/itsacalamity Dec 01 '22

not able to process anything new unless it's exactly what he expects... yeah this analogy checks out

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u/RinoaRita I’ve read them all Dec 01 '22 Helpful

Yeah goldfish at least have a spine.

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u/unknown_928121 Dec 01 '22

Do they really? I never knew that

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u/froglover215 Dec 01 '22 Helpful

Yes, they are osteichthyes, bony fish.

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u/Bulky-Extension70 Dec 01 '22 Wholesome

High-five for excellent vocabulary. Yay science.

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u/thatcheshirekat Dec 01 '22

ichthyology kicked my ass in school. There's like, a ton of fish.

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u/Bulky-Extension70 Dec 01 '22

And the weird fact of the matter is that technically there is no such thing as a fish.

(That's an very oversimplified statement of the evolutionary biology behind the variety of organisms that we consider "fish". But I think it sums it up pretty cool.)

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u/lesath_lestrange Dec 01 '22

Fish are aquatic vertebrate animals that have gills but lack limbs with digits, like fingers or toes. Recall that vertebrates are animals with internal backbones. Most fish are streamlined in their general body form.

Fish are aquatic, craniate, gill-bearing animals that lack limbs with digits. Included in this definition are the living hagfish, lampreys, and cartilaginous and bony fish as well as various extinct related groups. Approximately 95% of living fish species are ray-finned fish, belonging to the class Actinopterygii, with around 99% of those being teleosts.

fish, any of approximately 34,000 species of vertebrate animals (phylum Chordata) found in the fresh and salt waters of the world. Living species range from the primitive jawless lampreys and hagfishes through the cartilaginous sharks, skates, and rays to the abundant and diverse bony fishes.

The term fish is a convenient term used to refer to diverse aquatic organisms, such as lampreys, sharks, coelacanths (SEE-luh-kanths), and ray-finned fishes — but it is not a taxonomic group that would be used in a phylogenetic classification scheme, as “vertebrates” or “hominids” is.

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u/derpne13 Dec 01 '22

And chondrichthyes--cartilagenous fish (sharks, skates), and agnatha--prehistoric fish and some current ones, all jawless. Think round hole mouths.

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u/VelocityGrrl39 Dec 01 '22

And both are in phylum chordata, subphylum Vertebrata, which are all animals with backbones.

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u/haf_ded_zebra Dec 01 '22

Now we are getting the good stuff.

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u/Zyphyro Dec 01 '22

Yes, fish are vertebrates

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u/a_pastel_universe Dec 01 '22

I know this wasn’t meant as such but my inner biology minor felt so much shade in this comment

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u/Zyphyro Dec 01 '22

In reality, I was imagining the Story Bots episode where they count all the animals and learn what vertebrates are 😅 I've seen way too many kids shows

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u/RU_screw Dec 01 '22

Story bots! Living inside computer parts!

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u/a_pastel_universe Dec 01 '22

Story Bots! I’ll look it up (I have niblings and no clue what the kids are watching)

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u/123Chappo Dec 01 '22

I love these. The planet and dinosaur songs and raps are great

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u/ThereIsAThingForThat Dec 01 '22

This reminds me of a line in The Expanse:

He doesn't care about treason. That's just him parroting you because you talked to him last. If he spoke to a janitor, he'd be passionately declaiming about a fucking mop. It's agonizing.

I feel like it could fit just as well on OOP.

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u/ChalkButter Dec 01 '22

I’ve only seen the show so I don’t know who said this in the books, but I read this in Shohreh Aghdashloo’s voice

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u/ThereIsAThingForThat Dec 01 '22

I haven't gotten there in the books yet, but in the show it was said by Errinwright (Shawn Doyle) ;)

Although Shohreh could have pulled that line off just as fabulously as she pulled off everything in the show, definitely.

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u/Redpandaling Dec 01 '22

Also needs to learn to communicate before making decisions:

Doesn't sound like he discussed the room switch with his daughter, just asked her out of the blue.

Doesn't consult his wife before agreeing to some major decisions.

Wonder if he'll realize he's the source of his own problems

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u/oyveyistmir Dec 01 '22

He didn’t even ask it sounds like. He just told her.

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u/Umklopp Dec 01 '22

The worst part is that "her" could refer to either his daughter or his wife.

This guy is absolutely shit at relationships.

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u/CaptainPeppa Dec 01 '22

took the words out of his mouth. So many bad decisions.

Your pregnant wife probably doesn't mind some time alone, don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one, don't say you will move without talking to your wife.

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u/CiCi_Run Dec 01 '22

don't take away your teenager daughters bedroom for a shitty one,

Or make it a better room.

They have 4 bedrooms, two masters in one side, 2 bedrooms on the other... if they share a wall, knock the wall down and daughter can have a huge fucking room, complete with a bed, couch for her friends and a tv.. like a studio apartment minus the bathroom and kitchen. That would've been my offer for my teenage son- away from the parents and the crying baby/toddler. Hell, to sweeten the deal, I would've offered a mini fridge too.

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u/SnooCrickets2458 Dec 01 '22

It's not like they didn't have time to figure it out either. 9 months minimum to figure out new living arrangements. This dude is a straight up chump.

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u/kbstude Dec 01 '22

This is the thing that is really stumping me - like, the wife was pregnant for nine months. And in all that time, they never thought about where this baby was going to sleep? I call bullshit.

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u/FreeFortuna Dec 01 '22

That would've been my offer

Dude didn’t even ask if she would be okay with the change, or what they could do to make it more comfortable for her. He basically just asked her to pack up and move, like it was already decided. And then he’s confused by blowback? Dude has zero social skills, or seemingly even a basic understanding of human beings.

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u/obiwantogooutside Dec 01 '22

Probably a shared bathroom. But yeah I’d make that 4th bedroom into a teen hangout with a mini fridge and snack kitchen. Renovate it as she wants.

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u/sprinkle_and_sparkle Dec 01 '22

Great idea...but somehow I don't think OOPs wife wants his daughter getting to comfy

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u/AngrySchnitzels89 Dec 01 '22

You picked up on it too? I’m sure there’s more going on with Harper/ step mum than her dad realises. Gormless and blind..

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u/Old-Teach1239 Dec 01 '22

Random I know, but I’ve never heard anyone use ‘gormless’ IRL and haven’t seen it written in ages, thank you for reminding me that word exists!

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u/Remarkable_Buyer4625 Dec 01 '22

Agree. Another option would have been to make the nursery in one of the two other bedrooms and he or his wife (whoever had night duty) temporarily sleep in the next bedroom until the baby started sleeping through the night. So many options were better than taking his 14 yr old’s room.

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u/CiCi_Run Dec 01 '22

I was thinking that as an option but even when the toddler sleeps through the night, once he hits the rambunctious "wake up in the middle of the night/ terrible 3s"- would the parents want him on the other side of the house?

So I can see their reasoning for having the kid closer to their room, but not to the point of just kicking the daughter out of a room she's already established as hers.

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u/vikingraider27 Dec 01 '22

That was my first thought. Make the 2 rooms into one grand one. No reason a microwave can't be added as well. Even if they can't afford the reno, they could have offered her a bedroom and a girl cave lol

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u/diwalk88 Dec 01 '22

I had one of those when I was a teen, my dad let me turn it into a goth reading room just for me. Purple and black walls, art I chose, everything. It was great. OP could definitely have pitched this to her rather than turfing her out. I think the real reason for the switch was his wife wanting to push her out though, so the wife probably wouldn't have gone for it.

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u/Katharinemaddison Dec 01 '22

Yeah I thought maybe give her both the rooms, at least. Bedroom and another room for hanging out, more privacy as well.

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u/OneVioletRose Dec 01 '22

My thought exactly, especially if they’re structured in such a way that they don’t share a removable wall. But I would’ve felt like a queen at fourteen if I had two whole bedrooms away from my parents

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u/Katharinemaddison Dec 01 '22

So much better for study as well to have a room with a desk not in the room where you sleep. (Says the woman with a desk IN the room where I sleep, and wishes it was elsewhere).

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u/Muad-_-Dib Dec 01 '22

You have to wonder how OOP has been at other points in his life if his brother dropped everything and came and got his kid without any preamble because she phoned him once and then laid down the law with OOP when he tried contacting her.

Don't get me wrong, if for example one of my younger cousins phoned me and asked for help I would be out there in a heartbeat but I'd want to get their parent's side of the story before I was prepared to let them live with me apparently indefinitely.

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u/1Sluggo Dec 01 '22

Especially since she thinks the conditions were overboard. The wife is fine with stepdaughter living elsewhere.

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u/CaptainPeppa Dec 01 '22

Not sure many people would agree to that. Doesn't even sound like he negotiated haha

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u/YakInner4303 Dec 01 '22

Good chance wife was being evil stepmother towards the daughter far beyond what was mentioned. It wasn't just one person who decided to kick daughter out of her room. It was two and wife was probably the originator of the idea. Also daughter didn't suddenly on the basis of one event decide she was being neglected and mistreated so badly that she had to flee to brother's house. There would have been a pattern of ill treatment. Not sure the wife deserves to be consulted if it's to fix a problem caused by her ill behavior.

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u/CongealedBeanKingdom Dec 01 '22

Being the unwanted stepchild sucks. I feel sorry for Harper. I dont think enough parents acknowledge how hard it is for their children when they bring a new (horrible) partner into the relationship, particularly if that partner has their own demon spawn and then they trap your parent with a new baby, all the while bullying you simply for being alive.

Yes I am being specific.

Yes I hate my dad's ex wife.

Who the fuck bullies a child?

Fuck you Jenny.

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u/No-Appearance1145 Dec 01 '22

Yesss. Fuck you Lauren!

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

[deleted]

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u/Flufzi whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? Dec 01 '22

I would like to echo all of what you've just said.

Yeah, fuck you Jenny. And fuck you even more, Claire.

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u/naturalconfectionary Dec 01 '22

This read too true to me. Fuck you Kelly!

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u/itsallminenow Dec 01 '22

It was said of Tsar Nicholas II that the two most powerful people in the country were Tsar Nicholas II and the last person he'd spoken to.

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u/Ser_Dunk_the_tall Dec 01 '22

Lots of missing missing reasons here. In a few years I'm sure we'll hear about how Nina treated Harper like shit the entire time and OOP just didn't want to hear the truth whenever Harper brought it up.

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u/HollasForADollas Dec 01 '22

That's insulting to goldfish. They deserve better.

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u/certain_people Dec 01 '22

Excuse my French but no fuckin' way is this concluded

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u/YT_L0dgy Dec 01 '22

Pardonnez mon albionais mais il manque des morceaux je crois.

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u/Celticlady47 Dec 01 '22

Lol. Certainement, l'histoire n'est pas finie.

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u/Fredredphooey Dec 01 '22

🚨Missing reasons alert! 🚨

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u/aigret Dec 01 '22

My stepmom purposefully moved my dad into a 55+ community the minute she turned 55 (dad is a year younger) all the way across town with HOA rules that no minor could live with them full time (no more than two days a month, seriously). I was 14 with a younger brother age 7. My stepmom was incredibly jealous of me (f) and hated my mom. This move was extremely deliberate. And my dad just went along with it like a lost puppy. I’m 32 now and haven’t talked to him in over 10 years. Yet he thinks I’m in the wrong and tries to email me once a year saying he “forgives” me. I did nothing wrong, your wife is a snake.

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u/Tower-Junkie Dec 01 '22

That’s so fucked. And completely on your dad for not telling her to fuck off. That was his choice. Going along with something that big (after you’re an adult) was a choice.

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u/aigret Dec 01 '22

Yeah, reading back my comment I realize I made it sound like my stepmom was the only one at fault. He was, of course, just as culpable if not moreso. I think he regretted my younger brother and having him at 46 (turned 47 that year just in case people are like the math doesn’t add up) but the real shitkicker is he left his first wife, before my mom, for having an abortion. People are just shitty. And in relation to this post, I immediately picked up a sense that the OOP wasn’t telling the full truth. Teenagers and their extended family don’t act like that for first time offenses.

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u/momofeveryone5 I’ve read them all Dec 01 '22

Your dad totally sucks, as does your step mom, but I'm really surprised at the facility. That they could let someone moved in that has a custody arrangement involving minor children and not make an exception or bar them from moving in. I hope you mom to his ass back to court to get child support upped since now she was taking on 100 % with no exception of them child care duties.

Btw I'm barely awake and have no idea if this is making sense. I just read this and was flabbergasted.

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u/cucumbermoon Dec 01 '22

This isn’t as extreme as your situation, but my friend’s mom kicked her out the second she graduated from college, like before she had a job, because her stepdad was tired of “supporting” her. This is the same stepdad who had recently set the kitchen on fire because he was trying to cook when he was drunk. Fast forward ten years, and her mother is shocked that my friend didn’t invite them to her very small wedding. I just can’t with people who choose a new partner over their children.

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u/derpycalculator Dec 01 '22

It’s almost like actions have consequences. Who would have guessed only having your kids overnight at your house 2x a month would effect your relationship with them?

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u/Jalan_atthirari Dec 01 '22

When I was a teen my dad decided we didnt visit him enough so he moved across the country and now gets upset I only visit once a year and I won't move out of the city I have an awesome fufilling career in that is the silicone valley of my industry to his state where id have to change careers. Like hey man if you want to see your kids more dont move across the country?

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u/CatlinM Dec 01 '22

I remember when he posted the original post. He said in the comments Wifey wanted her son to have the room with the nicer space since his daughter would be moving out to go to college "soon" anyway. He just... went along with it.

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u/Helioscopes Dec 01 '22

Aaand there it is. New wife does not like the girl, and the family is aware he is doing nothing about the situation. The girl leaving like that, and her uncle not letting the dad see her, makes total sense now and looks less like overstepping or an overreaction.

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u/GrammatonYHWH Dec 01 '22

"OP deliberately omitting information which proves he is the asshole" is the free square on the AITA bingo card.

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u/unique_plastique 👁👄👁🍿 Dec 01 '22

I’ve always felt that if AITA can sort of point out too many pieces of missing context or information in a post it should be an automatic YTA for intentionally trying to mislead the sub- especially when extremely significant pieces of information are in the OP’s comments or replies

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u/petty_witch Dec 01 '22

There was just one yesterday about a bride that was angry her mom was gonna skip the wedding to support her sister cause her husband was 'sick'. The comments later told you the husband died of a heart attack.

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u/MustardFeetMcgee Dec 01 '22

Just a mild case of death

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u/GlitterDoomsday Dec 01 '22

The problem is AITA have a character limit for posts, so happens often the OP being so focused on what happened that a chunk of the context that would help us is cut out for lack of space.

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u/AnonImus18 Dec 01 '22

I don't think it's the character limit, it's hiding information and lack of awareness. His post could have been; I gave my 14 year old's bedroom to her newborn stepbrother because she's going off to college soon and this is easier for me and my wife. AITA?

However, that would make him the asshole automatically.

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u/Aganiel Dec 01 '22

Makes you wonder what kind of shit the wife was giving the daughter prior to that cause there seems a lot more happening here than OOP was saying. This is not a normal reaction. Fact that the brother was so vehemently in daughter’s corner too makes me think shit went down

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u/Emergency-Fox-5982 Dec 01 '22

And the fact they moved away, but some texts from the daughter were enough for him to drive how long to go get her?

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u/Cayke_Cooky Dec 01 '22

They must have had a plan in place to get her out if needed. Emergency code words maybe or just "come get me now".

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u/Agreeable-Weather-89 Dec 01 '22

99% chance the step mom is abusive, probably verbally or emotionally, which everyone has picked up on except for OOP since the step mom is better than the previous mom.

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u/StrawberryAstre Dec 01 '22

Dude seems to chose his partners wisely...

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u/STINKY-BUNGHOLE Dec 01 '22

ahh, the very near future of 4 to 5 years

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u/allium-vineale Dec 01 '22

Which is over a third of her life so far. It seems like adults forget/ignore how slowly time passes when you're young, 4/5 years is such a long time at that age. It's so selfish.

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u/Vegetable-Industry32 Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 06 '22 Silver Gold

Gross. The obvious solution would be for the wife and husband move to the other side of the house temporarily to be closer to the nursery. For parents, a room is where you sleep. For teenagers, a room is your space and sanctuary

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u/Whydidyoudothattho Dec 01 '22

Wow I didn't know 4 years was "going off to college soon." I just....🤦🏻‍♀️

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u/GooseyGhost Dec 01 '22

Yup, and I bet quite a lot of those reasons involve the wife.

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u/MajorNarc Dec 01 '22

Yup. With the incomplete info in mind, I think the big issue here is a bad relationship between the step mom and daughter. The dad should have been aware of this and actively worked with everyone to build better relationships (or he shouldn’t have married someone that doesn’t get along with his daughter in the first place).

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u/HollowShel Screeching on the Front Lawn Dec 01 '22

the quiet alarm bells going off turned into full on sirens when OP mentioned that his wife "doesn't get along" with his family. They probably see through her - so she got him to move further away from his family, which would just make it easier to manipulate him, as well as isolating Harper from supportive family that valued her. All the red flags and dude thinks he's just getting a parade for being a good dad.

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u/Nolzi Dec 01 '22

Not simply supportive family, OOP was 18 when he got Harper and mom disappeared, so it's likely that OOP's family was heavily involved in raising her.

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u/StinkyKittyBreath Dec 01 '22

The fact that his brother won't let his daughter go home unless he can keep an eye on her is a HUGE red flag that some bad shit is going on in OOP's home. Nobody does that without a really good reason.

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u/9XcR8lxKcAPT Dec 01 '22

I don't know what to make of this, totally dysfunctional family. I feel like there is more to the story than just a bedroom and 1on1 time with dad. Dad did not seem to want to talk about SM and how she treats Harper?? The need for 2 days of 1on1 is weird. It's like the family did not blend at all??

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u/Coco_Dirichlet Dec 01 '22

we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along

That's the more telling. It seems his family doesn't get along with his new wife, so the guy moved further away and took his daughter away from her family too.

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u/Viperbunny Dec 01 '22

Abusers love to isolate. It makes it so the victim has nowhere else to turn.

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u/ellenripleyisanicon Dec 01 '22

Precisely this. They moved away and cut her escape routes to nearby family then all sense of belonging was cut off in the home. Poor kid.

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u/userabe Dec 01 '22

“My wife doesn’t like my family so we moved somewhere far away which made Harper sad”, well, that and the “we don’t want the baby in our room anymore, but we don’t want to walk aaalll the way across the house” kinda sheds light on how stepmom treats his daughter, no?

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u/dev_vvvvv Dec 01 '22

"I moved away from my family, which made my daughter sad but my wife happy, so it was worth it."

"I took my daughter's bedroom away to give to my new son, which made my daughter sad but my wife happy, so it was worth it."

"I stopped spending as much time with my daughter, which made my daughter sad but my wife happy, so it was worth it."

"Why is my daughter upset at me?"

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u/Weaselpanties Dec 01 '22

Like damn, how big could that house possibly be that it's so much effort to walk to a bedroom at the other end?

Everything seems off with this family.

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u/QuiltySkullsYay Dec 01 '22

Exactly. Like... did they not think of this before? They're springing this demand on the daughter after the baby's already born?

These logistics should've been discussed months before and Harper should've been involved, since her room was involved. Good grief, all that one on one time and yet no insight at all from this dad.

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u/Zookeeper-007 Dec 01 '22

Exactly. No blending. SM likely barely tolerated Harper and OOP was just an oblivious AH

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u/cheezkurls Dec 01 '22

The fact that OOP said "I don't trust their judgment, they very clearly favor Harper". Like bro, that's your own daughter you're talking about and you're upset your own family is siding with her?? That really says a lot.

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u/One-Possibility1178 Dec 01 '22

He wasn’t oblivious. As long as he and his wife were happy and Harper didn’t kick up to much of a fuss everything was ok for him. But when Harper left and told her family how she felt mistreated and he looked like an AH and HAD to listen to someone he couldn’t brush aside that made him have to do Something.

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u/loverlyone Dec 01 '22

She took her baby and went to her parent’s house instead of trying to help her stepdaughter acclimate. She seems great.

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u/ABeggyChooser Dec 01 '22

Also why didn’t step mommy get on with OOP’s family? It was so bad they had to move away from his family? Yea I’m guessing there’s a problem here but it ain’t Harper.

With uncle’s quick action, I bet he’s been waiting for this day to come. He properly hoped it wouldn’t happen but figured it would since it looks like dad has no spine.

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u/knittedjedi Gotta Read’Em All Dec 01 '22

Oh yeah, that line was a complete cop-out. I'd bet there's a damn good reason OOP'S family doesn't like the new wife.

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u/JeanneBaret Dec 01 '22

Just want to point out that we are getting OOPs version of the facts here.

Harper’s mother abandoned her child, now his new wife seems to be forcing him to choose between his children.

Maybe OOP has terrible taste or bad luck in women, … or maybe he is the problem.

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u/Good_nuff Dec 01 '22

As someone who became a step child/step sibling at around Harper’s age, one on one is very important. When you’re used to getting it then you suddenly don’t, you feel ‘replaced.’ I know it made me feel like I wasn’t enough anymore. I felt like my history with my parent no longer mattered and I grieved that loss. It lead to a lot of resentment.

Kids that age don’t think rationally.

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u/kv4268 Dec 01 '22

Both my mother and my father remarried when I was 5, and I gained 3 new siblings. I never again got one-on-one time with either of them other than the car ride between their houses. My father abdicated all parenting duties to my stepmom, who didn't really like me. My stepdad very obviously loathed me. I felt like I went from two parents to none. Making time for your existing children when blending a family is incredibly important.

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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu Dec 01 '22

Even if it's your full sibling, and even with smaller kids, it can make someone feel like that. It's always astonishing for me that it's not common sense for parents.

When we had our second child we tried to make as much alone time each with our first born. He was only 3 but we still felt the need to show him we still loved him and that he still had his while place in the family.

We even did it for our DOG when our first child was born! How can parents not do it for their child?

Only explanation in order not to lose faith in humanity: they can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.

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u/NotAzakanAtAll Dec 01 '22

I honestly don't think she overreacted. MIL might very well be aiming to push this troublesome kid away little by little. Seen it happen many times.

Good for Harper to stand her ground.

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u/mangopabu Dec 01 '22

there seem to be a whole lot of missing missing reasons here. this is the kind of post one could look back to in twenty years when OOP says 'my daughter doesn't talk to me anymore, but i don't know why....'

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u/bactatank13 Dec 01 '22

I have full custody and her mom is not involved in her life. 5 years ago I married my wife Nina(F31)

I think no mother figure plus 9 years of having dad to yourself, makes it a challenge to blend. Either the SM or the daughter need to be extra kind for such a blend to work with medium amount of work. Combine that with, based on OP post, a seemingly lack of communication on everyone. Though Uncle coming in so quick and playing a very proactive/strong role in this situation hints to bigger and longer issue than what OP post implies.

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u/Dixieland_Insanity Dec 01 '22

It is not the place of a child to make things blend. That's the responsibility of the adults. Harper was 9 when her father married SM. OP failed and SM failed, not the child.

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u/9XcR8lxKcAPT Dec 01 '22

If your current kid does not blend with your new partner then you don't continue the relationship. It's not rocket science. This stems back a bit I think.

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u/Lower-Present5511 Dec 01 '22

I want to know why his family didn’t like Nina. Like MIL not liking someone is one thing but the whole family? It seems kinda suspicious.

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u/clutzycook Dec 01 '22

They probably saw what was going on between Nina and Harper and tried to warn OOP, but he wasn't thinking with the right head.

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u/KiwiCounselor Dec 01 '22

Sounds like he wasn’t thinking at all. Literally didn’t even cross his mind that Harper might have a problem being forced out of her childhood room, their safe space, just so OOP and his wife don’t have to walk as far.

Pure self centred behaviour.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

[deleted]

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u/Syrinx221 Dec 01 '22

And really? They should have the baby in their room for now! There's a reason bedside bassinets are so popular

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u/AllAboutTheGoatLife Dec 01 '22

Apparently in the comments, we find out that the wife wants her kid to have the nicer room since his daughter is going off to college “soon”

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u/Iintendtooffend Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

You know what hits me about it too, is current recommendations say you should have the baby in the room with you for the first 6ish months anyway. And after that they aren't usually waking up that often so it is way easier to put them in their own room.

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u/SimonSpooner Dec 01 '22

Exactly. His own brother jumping to get Harper after a single incident screams that this isn't actually the first dispute with Nina and her dad, but the last one of many.

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u/Louiebox Dec 01 '22

Yeah. Especially with the brother not allowing him to even see Harper. I'd have to feel pretty confident that my brother crossed the line severely to keep him from seeing his own daughter. The dad has to know this too if he just accepts being kept from seeing her.

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u/lurkyvonthrowaway Dec 01 '22

What an emotionally deficient moron

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u/Ginger_Anarchy Dec 01 '22

There's definitely seems to be some info missing here with those being the brother's demands and what she cried about on the phone.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

[deleted]

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u/i_am_do_reddit_now Dec 01 '22

what 14 year old goes to college?

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u/islandgoober Dec 01 '22

The "I could tolerate you because you were his only kid, but now that I'm having one you need to stop intruding on our real family" kind.

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u/capaldithenewblack Dec 01 '22

I figured there were issues with the daughter and new wife. :/

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u/squigs Dec 01 '22

Yeah. What the father actually admits to is bad but doesn't seem like enough to cause this reaction. If it was just the daughter wanting to leave, I'd put it down to an overreaction but her uncle siding with her makes me think there's a lot the father isn't admitting to.

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u/neobeguine Dec 01 '22

Theve have a FOUR BEDROOM home and they somehow managed to screw this up. Either keep the baby in a bassinet in the bedroom until they're sleeping for longer intervals, or deal with having to walk accross the hall. OR, since they have TWO EXTRA ROOMS, the parent on night duty can take the spare room closest to the nursery. Stepmom was just looking for an excuse to claim territory

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u/starbitcandies Dec 01 '22

There's no way a four bedroom house is so massive that walking from one end to the other is such a hassle you have to ask your kid to change rooms. And if it really is such a hassle that the parents are both bitching about it, no fucking wonder Harper feels like she's being separated and shoved away. They literally said "hey we hate going over to that side of the house so we want you to be on that side from now on"

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u/oath2order There is only OGTHA Dec 01 '22

EXACTLY. This is one of the things that shows up a lot and it drives me insane.

Like I live in a four bedroom house. It takes 6 seconds to go from my bedroom door to the master bedroom at the end of the hall. 3 seconds to the guest room we have, and a millisecond to turn 90 degrees to get to the fourth.

Who are all these 3/4 bedroom mansion owners that take minutes to get from room to room? Insane to me.

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u/Pretend-Marsupial258 Dec 01 '22

Maybe they're Sims? It always took my Sims an in game hour to walk between rooms.

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u/GaimanitePkat Dec 01 '22 Helpful

Sims have more willpower than this OOP.

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u/GooseyGhost Dec 01 '22

Somewhat related, but I was looking at a 3k sq ft house some months back but didn't realize at first that it only had 2 bedrooms, neither seemed to be a master. The rest was three bathrooms, two living rooms, two dining rooms, a stupidly massive garage, a normal sized kitchen, and some extra open-space room. It was bizarre.

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u/spiteful_rr_dm_TA Dec 01 '22

Could be a 4 bedroom where the two sides are separated by a sequence of 5 Viking-style long dinning halls. That would be *very* inconvenient.

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u/DigitalPelvis Dec 01 '22

And seriously…the way to have handled it would be to have moved her before baby arrived, hypes her up about it, redecorated together, etc. Hell my kid is only 2.5 and we are doing some of this stuff to prep for his kid sister.

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u/boozenbonfires Dec 01 '22

And to isolate Harper.

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u/bayougirl Dec 01 '22

I’m in a two bedroom house and am typing this from an air mattress in my baby’s nursery while we transition him. There were so many options that didn’t include taking a child’s room away from them.

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u/DontDeleteMee Dec 01 '22

In the first 2 years of my child's life, I fell asleep in her room so often I think I spent more time sleeping there than in my own bed. I had a blanket under her cot I'd pull out and sleep on...when I hadn't fallen asleep on the lazy boy.

Lots of options.

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u/catforbrains Dec 01 '22

Stepmom was definitely claiming territory and the daughter was not here for it. She knew once she gave up her room that it was permanent. And stepmom knows how shitty it is to take away a room with its own bathroom from a teenage girl. It's a straight up power play, mean girl move. OP seems oblivious. His family doesn't like his wife. His daughter doesn't like his wife. The only one who likes her is him and he is clearly seeing her with rose tinted glasses.

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u/GCU_ZeroCredibility Dec 01 '22

The OP just careens from one extreme to another. First he pulls a giant asshole move and kicks his daughter out of her room to replace her with the baby. Then he realizes he messed up and pulls a giant asshole move and agrees to completely move houses without even talking to his wife.

Somebody needs to intervene with this buffoon and get him to realize that other people exist and have feelings and opinions. They aren't all simply NPCs in the game of his life.

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u/E-Kathrine Dec 01 '22

The wife had it coming. Apparently the wife is the one that brought up the daughter switching rooms. The wife is the one that pushed for them to move away from the majority of the family. And it’s the wife that didn’t even care to maybe look into a baby sitter once a week so dad/daughter can still have at least a day to bond so there isn’t neglect.

So yeah let him be an asshole to his wife. I’m so tired of people getting into relationships where there is already children. Then proceeding to be the cliche step parents that abuse the poor kids, is ridiculously selfish, and doesn’t care about anyone else that isn’t blood or swapping fluids like fr…

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u/thatHecklerOverThere Dec 01 '22

Oop seems... An oblivious doormat.

How did you miss that your kid was that disconnected from the family? How did you miss why she's angry? Why are you agreeing to these terms? Why did you brother think he could even ask them of you without hands or legal representation getting involved?

I dunno, seems their dynamic is all kinds of weird.

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u/IThinkNot87 Dec 01 '22

In one of the comments in OP it seems the brother raised the girl for years while he was in collage cause she was born when he was like 18. So he was her first dad. And then this dude moves her away from her first dad cause the evil step mother doesn’t like his family. And I think she’s feeding that to this guy considering the “they always take her side” like she’s not an entire child.

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u/HeadBonk Dec 01 '22

I have a feeling that there is more especially since he glossed over moving for the new wife as well as all the changes because of the kid. Have a feeling every decision has been against the girl for a while now since the stepmom came around.

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u/LucyAriaRose the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Dec 01 '22

There definitely is a lot of missing background information in OOP's story. It sounds like a very dysfunctional familial relationship.

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u/throwawaygremlins Dec 01 '22

…his family doesn’t like the Stepmom and didn’t want them moving away, because they wanted to “keep an eye on Harper.” Hmmm… something suspicious going on there I think..

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u/lostboysgang please sir, can I have some more? Dec 01 '22

I’m pretty sure there was a lot more going on than taking her bedroom away. Glad she had family that supported her, Uncle for the freaking win.

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u/Kilen13 Dec 01 '22

OOP seems to have no clue how to handle relationships, he just seems to bounce from one extreme to the other depending on what mood he's in. He was absolutely a dick to Harper but then decided to accept all the conditions, including buying a whole new ass house, seemingly without talking to his wife.

Obviously he needs to be a better father to his daughter but I'm not sure the best way to do it is completely ignoring the fact that he's also married.

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u/Viperbunny Dec 01 '22

He's lying. He agreed to all those conditions to gain access to his daughter and manipulate her. If they actually move I will eat my hat!

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u/FinerThingsInHanoi Dec 01 '22

It seems like even after having a child at 18 and a wife at 27, this man didn't mature at all. A poor situation for everyone involved.

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u/ayymahi Dec 01 '22

So his family doesn’t like his wife…I wonder why

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u/unconfirmedpanda Dec 01 '22

I give OOP 6 months before Harper moves in with her uncle full-time. OOP has the will of an overcooked noodle, and I don't doubt that the wife will hold the baby hostage until the stepdaughter is gone.

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u/DerpDevilDD Dec 01 '22

Wow, does OOP have a single bone in his spine or is he fully cartilaginous like a shark? There's zero reason to displace his daughter - just keep the crib in their bedroom until the baby can sleep through the night. But seriously, how far could they possibly have to walk to get to "the other side" of the house? There's no reason his wife can't be left alone with the baby for a few hours while he and Harper do bonding stuff (and he can, in turn, do the same and let his wife get out of the house for her own free time). And I appreciate that the brother feels protective of Harper, but fuck you, you don't get to dictate where my family lives or how my household functions. OOP needs to get a grip.

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u/HighlyImprobable42 Dec 01 '22

Well put, everything. OOP is such a doormat that he just does what everyone tells him. Kick daughter out if her room? Ok. Buy a new house? Ok. What a hot mess.

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u/MisandryManaged Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 04 '22

Thing is, I could even concede that it makes sense to have the newborn in the closest bedroom, but why not be like, "we can combine the two rooms and create the room of your dreams"? They obviously don't have a tight budget if they can just move like that.

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u/JoBeWriting Dec 01 '22

"My family didn't get along with my wife" GEE, I WONDER WHY, SHE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY NICE WOMAN, IT'S A TOTAL MYSTERY WHY SOMEONE WOULDN'T LIKE HER.

But in all seriousness, poor Harper.

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u/StellarManatee Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

I would love to know what other issues this jellyfish man has glossed over here. Theres a LOT bubbling under the surface.

I dont trust their judgement, they very clearly favor Harper.

Uh huh

they are trying to accept Mark as my son but I could see that they haven't been able yet

What's that all about? Is it because OP and his wife used a sperm donor?

And as for everything that's going on with the family and wife??

"they wanted to have Harper close to them to keep an eye on her and make sure we are treating her right, we used to live very close to them but when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away"

So much more to this story

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u/Darkslayer709 Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

What the fuck goes through some of these people's heads?

How could a 14 year old girl feel anything OTHER than replaced or less than when her dad stops spending quality time with her and she's kicked out of her own bedroom when there's other rooms in the house.

If the walk was really an issue (though man, how big is their damn house where a walk from one room to another is too much?) then why not have their son in their room since he's a baby. Oh right, because then he'll disrupt them. So instead let's evict his daughter from her bedroom and give it to the baby.

The fact OOP described it as a "master" bedroom implies his daughter was having to down-size as well. Not necessarily a crime when you've got an expanding family but when you have two other empty rooms why the fuck would you give, presumably, the biggest bedroom to the baby?

Poor kid.

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u/The_Mystik_Spiral Dec 01 '22

Jesus, OP is a horrible person. Harper should just stay with her uncle and write her father off as a list cause, although that’s probably not a decision a 14 year can make.

Sadly, he’s cast her aside once and he will do so again. People like OP can never be trusted.

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u/lostpassword2 Dec 01 '22

"when I got married my wife and family didn't get along so we moved somewhere farther away"

i'll just drop this in the middle of my story without any further details because i'm sure it's no big deal

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u/MyInterestsOnly Dec 01 '22

So OOP:

1: told his daughter to move to another room because his wife wanted a shorter distance to walk to the nursery.

2: let his brother just up and take his daughter.

3: moved away from his family because his wife didn’t like them.

4: agreed to his brothers demands to move without consulting anyone.

I know doormats are a thing but this is ridiculous

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u/katbug09 Dec 01 '22

I thought newborns were supposed to sleep in a bassinet in the parents room until they could sleep in a crib in their room? It seems like Nina was looking for a way to get Harper out of the picture. Poor daughter.

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u/areyoubawkingtome Dec 01 '22

The wife's reaction feels like she's making it an us (her and Mark) or her (Harper) situation. She really doesn't like her step daughter. I'd bet she's happy for her to be gone so she can play happy family with Mark and OOP.

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u/averbisaword Dec 01 '22

Buried the lede about his wife not getting along with his family.

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u/quin_teiro Dec 01 '22

They didn't think about any potential babies needing a room? They couldn't imagine daughter feeling betrayed and abandoned??

The lack of empathy and forethinking of both OOP and his wife is ASTONISHING. Poor Mark is going to have some shitty parents...

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u/DaveManchester Dec 01 '22

Yeah.. when I was 15 my dad decided I had to give my room to his newborn son in his new family, and move out.

That was the moment I realised my dad didn't care about me existing.

Some people shouldn't have kids.

I have nothing but contempt for that man.

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u/TheSecretIsMarmite Dec 01 '22

After so many apologies and gifts she finally agreed to see me.

The OOP really didn't realise that what she wanted was her dad. My father tried the whole "shower with gifts" thing when I was 17 or 18, trying far too late to mend a completely broken relationship with material goods. I don't speak to him any more.