r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago All-Seeing Upvote

CONCLUDED My girlfriend invited her ex over to my apartment and I’m absolutely livid right now

12.5k Upvotes

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Leading-Sir8714. He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest

Your daily fun fact to cover up spoilers: u/rbaltimore requested jaguars. The word jaguar most likely comes from the South American Tupi and Guarani languages. According to National Geographic, the name probably translates to "he who kills with one leap." Jaguars have the strongest bite of any cat for its size, and they have an extra ligament behind their nose and mouth that allows them to open their mouth way wider than a regular cat (letting them roar loudly.)

Trigger Warnings: Possible cheating

Mood Spoiler: Honestly the whole thing is sad, but OOP makes his choice

Original Post: January 16, 2023 (in the middle of the night)

I live in a big city in my own apartment. My girlfriend (Lilly) lives with her roommates, but if I’m being honest she basically lives over here 80 percent of the time.

Early today/ yesterday while I was at the gym with my friend (mike) she texted me that she had an “old friend” she hasn’t seen in awhile that’s in town and that it would be nice to have a quiet place to catch up. I said they could use my apartment and that I’d go out for dinner with Mike so they’d have time to catch up.

During this time I’m at the gym so I was in rush. I didn’t ask who she was inviting over ect. Well apparently I should as the old friend she was apparently catching up with alone in my apartment was her only ex boyfriend Kyle. Around 30ish mins after this conversation I get a text from her saying they’re at the apartment. I just said “bet” and continued with my friend. Mike and I finished our workout around 7pm and decided we’d go to Whole Foods as their hot/salad bars got some great food. We ate there and finished around 8:30ish.

I’m on my way home now, and honestly I wasn’t expecting anything other than just saying hi and heading my ass to bed. Shit had been a long ass day and honestly I was just ready to get to sleep. I arrive home around 9 pm, and at this point I had no idea If her friend was still over or not. I was secretly hoping they weren’t as I didn’t feel like socializing at all, but hey I’ll take one for the team.

When I walked in the apartment I see some big ass timberland boots that obviously are a mans. I’m immediately like fuck her friend brought her boyfriend im going to have to stay up and socialize now. I take off my shoes and jacket and start heading down the mini hallway.

As I enter the living area I see my girlfriend sitting on the couch with a man at separate ends but staring right at each other talking. My girlfriend notices me and jumps a little (I didn’t really find this odd at the time but now i thinking back on it makes sense).

At this point I’m still completely oblivious. I say hello and start walking towards the man. I’m looking around the house at this point for her friend honestly I just thought she was in the bathroom or some shit. I shake the guys hand and say some shit like hey I’m Lilly’s boyfriend. He replied back in like a cocky ass way with some “I’m Kyle Lilly’s ex”. I was like oh my fault I thought you her friends boyfriend. Then it got a little quiet and I rapidly come to the realization that my girlfriend has been alone with her ex In MY APARTMENT for the last couple hours.

I look at my girl and say “ so I’m taking this was your old friend?” She said yeah in a soft ass voice. At this point I wasn't letting myself jump to any conclusions but I’m tired and I don’t feel like socializing. I’m also now upset my girl was just chilling with her ex in my apartment .

It got quiet again and these two made zero effort to continue whatever convo they were having just moments ago. Lilly asks how my day was and I was like it was fine i guess again getting the vibe I’m interrupting something.

At this point I’m fed up (only like a minute or so had past since my question to her) and I look at him and asked Kyle “hey do you mind ending it here for today I actually got some things I got to talk to Lilly about” he said some “she invited me over though and we’re still reminiscing on the good ole days”. I look at Lilly she can’t even look me in my eyes.

I look back at Kyle and say” alright let me rephrase it this is my apartment and I’m telling you to leave”. He then looks at her and says “ do you want me to leave?” At this point and I’m not proud of it I completely lose my shit. Saying “what the fuck do you mean by that?! I don’t give a shit if she wants you to leave or not! I’m telling you to get the fuck out my house!” Lilly is telling me to calm down and turns And tells him he needs to leave.

Kyle gets up and heads towards the hallway to get his shit . I follow and he ends up leaving. I come back and Lilly is now pissed at me saying I embarrassed her. I EMBARRASSED YOU?

She then goes on about how my reaction is totally uncalled for as she told me he was coming over and asked. I was like no Lilly you said a fucking friend was coming over a fucking friend. Not once you mention this friend was a male much less your fucking ex.

She then says my reaction was bullshit and that I acted like an ass. I tell her you were with your fucking ex in my apartment. Do you not understand how much of a fuck you that comes across as? I then asked why the fuck y’all were meeting in the first place and she tells me he’s going through “rough” times and needs someone to lean on. And that she just wanted to be there for him as he’s a nice person and that by hanging with him in my apartment it shows nothing shady is going on.

I explain how that is bullshit and that if my ex stared having issues and I was the one comforting her she would be pissed. She was like no she’d understand because she has empathy. I was like that’s bullshit Lilly you got pissed at me at the gym cause I smiled when a girl complimented my form when lifting. She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t chase, I haven’t reach out. I just sat on the couch and thought about what the fuck just happened . I then called my father who gave me some great advice.

She then texted me these two hours ago. “Can we talk?” “Im sorry for not telling you it was my ex that I invited was inviting over. I dont want you to get the wrong idea nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. I love you. He messaged me out of the blue he needed someone to talk to. I didn’t think that much of it I’m sorry for deceiving you (that sounds like bs right?? I didn’t think much of it then followed by sorry for deceiving you like obviously you did think about it or you would’ve been truthful) . I wanted to talk to him at your place because I didn’t want you to assume something else was going on” “ please talk to me I love you”.

Obliviously if she sees this she’ll know I’m talking about us but she doesn’t use Reddit. I haven’t responded yet I’m leaning towards wanting to break things up with her after talking about all this wit my pops. Not for her talking him but for how I felt in the moment it all was happening.

It’s a huge red flag for me that she said “old fiend” instead of ex I still don’t get it. I’m the moment of me getting visibly upset with her ex she didn’t take my side once. When I was nice before I even recognized him it felt like I was the odd man out.

I just felt like she doesnt respect me. Not on some 1950s shit where the women has to respect the man, but if the roles were reversed and I was with my ex at her house I would’ve backed my girl when she was getting mad. I would’ve called my ex out for talking cocky to my girl ect. I’m still very pissed so I don’t think I should be talking to her right now it’s currently around 3 am… honestly I’m just fucking tired idek if I’m pissed.

EDIT 1: It's currently 12;44 pm Its already been long fucking day and will continue to be a long fucking day. I've seen your comments ill update tonight or tomorrow depending what the fuck ends up fully playing out, It's been a hof ass level of a day so far. IM on like 3 hrs of sleep.. PS I added paragraphs.. This whole writing was my just typing the words from thoughts last night I had no idea so many would view this...

Update Post: January 16, 2023 (16 hours later)

UPDATE: This shit is long I doubt you actually want to read it all sorry I just poured my thoughts into it

It’s currently around 7pm when writing this and honestly the last 13ish hours I’ve been up have been fucking draining to say the least. I awoke in the morning to my phone going absolutely nuts with notifications from reddit. I’m honestly like oh fuck why the actual fuck did I decide to pour my personal thoughts out into a reddit post?? I began to scroll y'all's comments and to say I was shocked is an absolute understatement.

Literally almost all of y’all are actively taking my side, and I mean I was just scrolling this morning just looking for that one comment that was taking hers. It did not come. What surprised me the most were the amount of women in this thread that said they would never do this to their man and that it is beyond disrespectful. I mean those comments hit the hardest this morning as those were my thoughts exactly.

Last night was a fucking stress storm for me to be honest. I couldn’t believe what the fuck had just happened. As yall can guess from my post I live alone so there wasn’t anyone at my crib that I could talk to so I decided to call the one man that's had my back since day one. My pops. As many have messaged me and many have commented I will go into detail on what exactly our phone call entailed. First I’m gonna go back to when it originally happened so that it makes more sense. Also when reading back my thoughts from last night it was clear I was rushing at the end and honestly just fed up with everything at that point so I skipped a lot of details.

Okay to start Lilly had just stormed out of my apartment at this point when I called her out that she wouldn’t be fucking okay with me meeting with my ex cause they needed someone to “lean” on. Like I said before I didn’t call out, text, or follow her. At this point I am fucking furious and I can’t believe what the fuck just happened. I take a seat on the couch and try breathing exercises. I am trying to calm down, but it’s no use cause I keep remembering Kyle asking “do you want me to leave?” to my girlfriend. I didn’t really elaborate on this beforehand but that shit fucking sent me to another world and I was absolutely about lose my shit to the max. I just kept telling myself it's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it… At this point all I want to do is beat Kyle's ass, and all my methods for calming down were failing at this point. I Just said fuck it and picked up my phone and said “Siri call old man”

I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say at this point, but I knew if there was one person who could get through to me it would be my pops. Now I don’t remember the exact dialogue that exactly went down, but I’m going to try my best to be as accurate as possible. *Phone dialing* dad picks up and says ‘I seen it already vooch dropped 43 on they ass” I started laughing a bit and say “its not about that dad I just go into a huge fucking fight with Lilly dad,,, I’m really fucking pissed dad I don’t want to do anything stupid”. “Whoah whoah okay where are you right now? Are you with her? Are you guys okay?” -dad, “I’m at the crib right now and she just stormed out, yes I am chilling I just don’t know what do” - me

There's a long pause after this and I hear my pops take a deep breath and say “alright alright hit me” I began to give him the same run down I gave you guys in my last post. The whole time my pops is dead silent doesn’t say a fucking a word. I finished up the story. All he asked was “what does kyle look like?”. I won’t lie this caught my off guard cause I was like damn dad why the fuck does it matter what he looks like. I responded “uh idk he was white with long curly hair ect” “why?” my dad was like “ no no how tall was he?” at this point i'm like wtf dad,, “ uh idk his ass was like 5’9 max” my dad laughs a bit and says “explains the timberlands then, fucking male equivalent of heels” I didn’t realize it yesterday but what my pops was doing was what he always does I literally can’t stay pissed if i laugh and my dad can make me laugh on demand. I started laughing. I was like “ you right you right” he then was like “ how much he think he weighed?” I had to think for a minute but I was like “hmm maybe a buck 55 ish”.

My pops then brought up the argument between Kyle and I. “You said Lilly told Kyle to leave after you started to get mad right?” “Yeah” I responded. My dad pauses for a long time again and takes another deep breath “ (my name) I wouldn’t be surprised if this situation is a lot deeper than it seems. It speaks volumes to me she only rallied for him to leave after you began to get real upset. {my name} you are 6’0 190 lbs and were just disrespected in your own house by a man you do not know. When a woman cares for someone the last thing she wants is for him to be in harm's way. She understood exactly what was going to happen if the situation continued to escalate, and she chose to get Kyle out of harm's way. Followed by switching all the blame to you and leaving. Honestly son, where do you think she's at right now?”

I didn’t say anything. I knew what he was Implying. “ I know it hurts, but promise me you won’t do anything irrational. She made her decision there's not much you can do to change it. You’ve proven your whole life your one of one don’t lose yourself now over something that will just end up a tiny bump on your road map. I mean seriously I couldn’t be more fucking proud of you son. You're 22 living on your own in (city), you got your shit together that's rare {my name}, your rare {my name}. The right women like your mom for me (I laughed a little) will walk into your life when you least expect it. Don’t waste your energy. Everything happens for a reason son.” I paused for a minute and said “ thank you I needed this dad” my dad laughed “ of course your mom and I are here for you always”. *Ends call*

Fast forward back to this morning. I couldn’t sleep for shit last night so this morning was just completely ass. Lily was blowing up my phone the whole night apologizing and begging for my forgiveness. It’s around 11 am at this point I'm completely just over this situation. I still haven’t responded to her since she stormed off last night. In my opinion she made her choice. However , I got a long ass week ahead of me and can’t be having this shit continue to impact me this much going forward. I eat something and head down to my apartment's local gym to just run ( on lifting days I go to a private gym and on cardio days I use the apartment's gym). Running is therapeutic for me.

Around 1 o'clock I got a phone call and you guessed it, it was from Lilly. No part of me wanted to pick up the phone, but we’ve been dating for 2.5 years. I felt obligated. *picks up phone* “What's up?” I say to be immediately met with crying “Im sorry {my name} I love you to death. Please just talk to me. I shouldn’t have left last night. I panicked. You know i Love you {my name}” I didn’t say anything “{my name} please talk to me. This isn’t right, please just talk to your girlfriend. I'm sorry. I told you nothing happened, I Won't ever talk to him again please i beg can we just talk”. At this point the realization of my feelings for her started to really kick in. instead of anger, sorrow, or any emotion tbh I just felt a sense of indifference when she spoke. I responded “can you come over around 3?” still crying at this point “YES yes yes yes” she says. “Ok” I say *ends call*

I’m just sitting on the sofa now at this time just waiting for 3 to roll around. Scrolling through the comments on my previous post. *knock* *knock* I hear from the hallway. Shortly after I see my girlfriend emerge from the mini hallway. She begins to start smiling and crying while wiping her tears. Again I take notice of how I feel at this moment. A sense of indifference. A feeling I don’t care about anymore. It really started to hit me, 2.5 years wasted just like that. The woman who I cared so deeply for just 24 hrs before now is in front of me crying and I don’t feel a thing. “Lilly, it’s over between us” I said. Completely shocked, she barely manages to mutter out “what?” while still crying. “It’s over” I repeated. “(my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) no no no no no no no. Please, I'm sorry. Don't end this between us I love you to death” she said hysterically. Now I won’t lie that last bit hit hard. I mean fucking hard man. I couldn’t mask it anymore; the lid had been broken.

“Don't end this between us?” I say. “ Lilly, I'm sorry I can’t take this shit anymore. I don’t know what impression I gave you over our relationship, but I won’t stay in a relationship with a women who thinks that fucking little of me. You made the decision to end shit between us when invited your ex into my apartment behind my fucking back Lilly. That is something I refuse to let slide Lilly” At this point my thoughts just begin to flow out of my mouth like a fucking tidal wave. “ No man is that cocky for no reason Lilly. I’m not a fucking fool Lilly. You gave him some type of reassurance to give him the confidence to act like that. Shit you even backed him in front of me. Why the fuck would I stay with someone whose not going to have my back?” Absolutely balling at this point Lilly say ”I’m sorry (my name) I love you Im sorry”

Yall can call me whatever you want but at this point I just went soft. I didn’t have the heart to keep drilling her anymore. She was just breaking down crying uncontrollably. I just sat down in silence. “ (my name) I'm sorry it won't happen again (my name) I love you only you. I won't ever talk to him again I wont I promise. ( my name) please just give me one more chance” said lilly. I'm completely silent. I mean there was just a huge fucking pressure on my chest it felt like my ribcage was gonna crack under the pressure. Sat there silently listening to her crying I remembered one my favorite songs “ I'd rather have loyalty than love, 'Cause love really don't mean jack, See love is just a feeling, You can love somebody and still stab them in they back, It don't take much to love, You can love somebody just by being attached, See loyalty is a action, You can love or hate me and still have my back” -21 savage.

I just kept repeating those lyrics in my head over and over and over again. To many, it might seem she said all the right things,but to me actions speak louder than words. Last night she chose to make her decision on us through her actions, and since actions speak louder than words it really didn’t matter what she said.

I'm struggling to keep it together at this point. I really did love her, shit I still fucking do, but I understood this was what's best for me. I wouldn’t have been able to trust her again. You can't be in a relationship without trust or loyalty. I lost both from her.

As she cries I look up and say “Lilly please, it's over. There's no saving this” she looks at me and says “(my name” “no please just stop it's over Lilly” I interrupt. ‘Please just do us both a favor and take your things and leave Lilly. It's over please let's just end it here”. She doesn’t say anything and gets up and starts grabbing some of her things around their apartment. I grabbed a garbage bag and helped her pack. She left the keys to my apartment on the table and left.

This all finished up around 4:30 today I’ve just been sitting here trying to process what the fuck just happened. Honestly it all still doesn’t feel real. I never intended on posting on reddit yesterday, but I just needed a place to fucking vent and since it blew up I felt like It I should update yall today. It’s 7:35 as I finish writing this. I’m fucking hurt. The weight of what the fuck just went dont over the last 24 hours doesn’t real. To anyone actually who actually read this long ass update thank you. To those who commented on my previous post, than you, I fucking needed a place to vent last night.

Relevant Comments:

***"***I tried to be as transparent as possible and show both sides to the best of my ability. What y’all read was my raw emotion. Over the last month I’ve picked up journaling on my self improvement journey. It’s really helps understand your own thoughts. Last night I decided to post to this sub instead of my notes app. I appreciate the kind words you all have given me. I’m going to continue to work on myself and push forward."

Your ages?

"my ex and I are both 22"

You know Lilly best- do you think she cheated?

"I avoided talking about this and as many are criticizing in the comments I didn’t ask questions. I don’t know what they talked about, I don’t know where she went that night I’m left with my own imagination on that. The fact of the matter it doesn’t matter if they engaged in sexual activities or not. It wouldn’t have Changed the outcome. My frustrations were never about that. It was the lack of respect she displayed towards me. I don’t know if she physically cheating and honestly i don’t care. Multiple dealbreakers were broken with the information I do have."

I marked this as concluded as OOP has broken up with Lilly.

Edit- Again, I am not OOP. This is a repost sub- see the rules of the sub if you have more questions. I posted this because both posts were the top post on r/TrueOffMyChest over the last week, and gained a lot of traction.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago

CONCLUDED I found divorce papers in my air vent.

7.4k Upvotes

I am not the OP. Original post is by u/throwawayamity in r/offmychest.

Mood spoilers: Very odd and concerning, but a positive ending

~~~

Original - I found divorce papers in my air vent - Posted on January 21, 2023

I found divorce papers in my air vent.

Throwaway due to privacy reasons.

I (29F) and my husband (30M) have been married for 4 years now, together for 7. And it's going fantastically well. He's handsome, cute, kind, loving, and makes me feel safe and wanted and loved and protected. He takes me on dates, shows physical affection wherever he can, and also just makes me feel happy.

We have no kids but we are trying for it.

So the other day I was cleaning the house (I'm a housewife) and I was cleaning the air vent at the top of the staircase aisle, because we had never cleaned it ever since we bought the house. And when I opened it, there was a box. An unmarked box. I took it out and then opened it and then there was a note (more about it somewhere down below) and...

Divorce papers. All ready with our names on it. The only thing wasn't filled in was the signatures of us. I was crushed. He had just gone to work after kissing me for 7-8 minutes and hugged me and everything has been going great. So why this?

I opened the note, and it read as follows:

It is with immense regret and sadness that your love between you and (my name) has ran its course. I'm sorry (his name). You didn't deserve this. Or you did. I don't know. Maybe she cheated, maybe you did. Maybe the love didn't last for you. All those times, all those moments of being with her, are of no use now. In the end, she did go away. Or you rather made her leave. She's gone. Never coming back. It's okay you fucking r word pos, you didn't deserve her in the first place. Dumb and stupid and delusional is what you are since you didn't push her away in the first place. You don't deserve love. You deserve to be shot.

Or

She cheated on you. I'm sorry for that. She let another man's dick inside her and she didn't back off. She had an affair physical or emotional, and she didn't choose you.

Forget her. Forgive her. Because to be amity, is to be forgiving. And you deserve the peace my friend. You did everything that you could, but she wanted more. Listen to "We Don't Understand Each Other" from ST3, and go to sleep. Hit the gym tomorrow. I'm here for you. Take care mate. Yours, (His Name).

His note was from himself by himself for himself. I'm crying right now. I've never cheated on him and never even had the thought of cheating on him. All I want is him to be with me. What should I do? It breaks me to see how he thinks like this

~~~

Update - Posted later that day

Hello everyone. Thank you for all your support and the reception to this post. A lot has happened in the last 7 hours, so here is my final update. Just a few things I think you should know:

He is depressed but has gotten considerably better, due to medical means and therapy. He was diagnosed with OCD and Depression (moderate). He also has been portraying signs of imposter syndrome ever since we started dating, but not to the extent that it could be considered seriously.

He is quite smart as he has been to an Ivy League school, and is now currently working as a head of department of R&D, in a well paying job. But he doesnt openly express emotions, struggles with affection display. He does portray how much he loves me and makes me feel wanted but he's still afraid of opening up.

Him and I love each other to the extent that it cannot be described, and I definitely don't wanna lose him. The mere thought of cheating disgusts me. How can I throw myself at someone who i don't even know and fucking care about?

So he came home. I was sitting on the couch with the box on the coffee table. He tried to kiss me but froze the moment he saw the box. I broke down at that point, because the though of him not coming home to me every day broke me.

He came to comfort me, but I pushed him away.

I am Just crying and saying, Why? Why would you do this?! You think you don't deserve me or you thought I fucking cheated on you?!

He said nothing. After I calmed down, he said that:

He had made the arrangements for this, a contingency plan 3-4 months ago when an office worker of his got cheated on and another office worker's marriage failed as the wife didn't find the husband attractive or interesting anymore and also that was coincidentally the time he became a reddit user, and he started to get frightened about this issue as he read many posts on r/survivinginfedelity and also open marriages and relationships. He didn't tell me that he'd been using reddit for the last 2 couple of months. He really tried to hold it in, but failed and went to a lawyer and got the papers done just in case. He said that he loves me to death, and still finds me insanely attractive to the extent he doesn't want to leave me for one microsecond, and that if I were comfortable, he wants to spend the entire life of his with me. But he just couldn't handle the thought of another man even touching me and he said that he just can't, even for his life, share me with anyone and that I'm his and he's mine. Mine and mine alone, and I'm his and only his.

He said he isn't trying to justify what he had done and what he had done was wrong and unforgivable. But he said that he hopes I can understand the circumstances that made him do this, and that how much he doesn't wanna lose me and can never ever share me with anyone. And that he loves me the most and that he'd do anything for me and begged me to be transparent when I'm bored in the marriage so we can talk it out and work through it and pull through like always and for any reason that I feel upset or have a problem with.

At this point, we both were breaking down. He tried to come closer to touch and comfort me and I let him. I wrapped my arms around him and didn't let go. We hugged forever, and cried our hearts out. When he finally pulled back and he kissed me for, God knows how long. I don't wanna lose him. I love this man and I want to be around him forever and ever. We fell asleep on the couch with me on top of him.

When we woke up and had breakfast. Then we burned the divorce papers and the note in out backyard and used to the remnants of the combustion as manure for our plantations.

After that we took a bath, and we just snuggled. I never let go, and so did he. We held each other for hours, until we were okayish. We got up, and he made lunch while I hugged him from behind and then we ate, and snuggled. He fell asleep and I'm typing this while watching him sleep, he's still reaching out for me and his hand is on my thigh.

We discussed and will consult a therapist for the both of us to counter the things he has in his mind.

The more I look at him the more I smile because I know I've found the one for me.

~~~

Reminder - I am NOT the original poster

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 12d ago

CONCLUDED I [59M] cut two of my kids [24F][28M] out of my will for his irresponsible spending of their previous inheritance. How should I fix this situation?

17.6k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/BritishGranddadGuy in r/relationship_advice

 

ORIGINAL POST - 07th April 2019

My (now deceased) ex-wife and I have 5 kids together: 21F, 24F, 28M, 30M, 35M.

A few years ago their mother passed away and left each of them a very large inheritance. Over 300K GBP each, evenly distributed among them.

Prior to her passing she made it clear to them that this money was not to be wasted. It was to: 1. Used to pay off debt, 2. Used to further education, 3. Put towards buying a house in future.

Two of my kids, 24F and 28M, have completely squandered this money in just a couple of years. My daughter spent it all travelling across the world care-free staying in nice hotels and eating fancy dinners. I completely understand going on a vacation, but to blow all of it on travel against her mother's wishes? Bloody shameful.

My son is even worse. He has literally spent it all on drugs, alcohol, and escorts over this time. None of it, none, going towards self-improvement as their mother wanted.

So I continued to hound them over this time and time again until, as expected, it's all bloody wasted. Once this happened, I decided to cut them both out of my will, as I don't want my hard-earned money being squandered so my children can live a hedonistic lifestyle for a couple of years.

I told this to their siblings in confidence, so that they would be prepared to deal with the fall-out when I eventually pass. One of them (not sure who) let it slip to them, and now they've gone off the deep-end and proclaimed I'm "dead to them" and they "don't have a dad" etc.

I don't want to go into a long bitter fued with my kids, but damned if I'm going to have my life savings wasted by them also.

Any advice on how to fix this?

 

UPDATE - 12th April 2019

So I took the advice of the previous thread, which was overwhelmingly to consider setting up a trust for my two problem children.

Before I even invited the two of them over to talk the issue over, my son called me to apologise for how he was acting. He seemed genuinely ashamed of the things he said and admitted that it was wrong of him to waste his mother's savings like that.

Anyway, I invited the two of them over to tell them my plans. As I say, my son seemed very apologetic, while my daughter was clearly still upset with me.

I told them that I would reinstate their inheritance, but since they've demonstrated extremely poor money management that I will only do so through a trust. That I'd talk with a proper lawyer/financial expert on setting them up, and they'd be designed to provide for them and any future children they have over many years after I'm gone. That them blowing through it in a few years is simply not an option.

Son took the news very well and said he wouldn't trust himself with that money anyway. I'm not sure what caused such a sudden change of heart in my son, but as I say it seemed genuine. He also offered to go to therapy for his sex/drug addiction if I helped pay, to which I agreed (I'll make sure this therapist actually exists, don't worry).

My daughter did not take it well, Christ. Far worse than I expected. Here I am willing to give them a second chance, and she just blows up about how it's not fair that it's only them that don't get the money outright. I explained that their siblings had demonstrated they were responsible with money and hence why I would leave it to them outright. Nope, not good enough for her. She doubled down that spending all of her mother's 300K+ GBP on travel was justified. Had the gall to again call me several extremely upsetting names and accuse me of being emotionally abusive.

So I told my daughter that as I'm retiring soon, perhaps I should experience the joys of travel also. Perhaps I should spend "her" inheritance that I've worked for my entire life on travel myself. She stormed out and hasn't contacted me since.

Really proud of how my son's taken the news. Extremely disappointed in my daughter.

Genuinely considering spending "her" part of the inheritance on travel myself at this point.

Edit 1: Guys, I understand how petulant my daughter is behaving, but please refrain from using profanities. She's still my daughter and I'd rather not read that stuff. You can criticise her behaviour without cussing :)

Edit 2: At the encouragement of some kind people here, I've booked flights to Hong Kong a few weeks from now. Will be using up all my accumulated leave to take a trip across China. I've always wanted to visit the country and I am looking forward to this!

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 10d ago Helpful

CONCLUDED OOP exposed his family to a toxic cancer causing element while ruining his home.

17.0k Upvotes

I AM NOT OP. This is a repost sub! Another PSA post!

The original was posted in r/homeimprovement 3 years ago

The update


So I messed up bad, real bad. One more warning to all before you start and project that requires demo.

Two weekends ago, me and my wife decided it was time to replace our falling apart laminate floors. The location of the laminate we were replacing was in the kitchen, dining room, family room, Living room, and main hallway. We thought it would be nice to have all the rooms including the kitchen and dining room all one floor.

So we ripped up all of the old click laminate. In the hallways and family room we found original 1970's vinyl underneath. Since we planned on laying the floating floors again we decided to leave it alone. We proceed to chipping up all of the tile in the kitchen making our way to the dining room. We got the tile up in the kitchen and were left with an absolute mess of thinset. So I googled the easiest way to get up thinset. I found a video on youtube showing how to use a grinder with a shopvac attachment and diamond grinding wheel. I went to town and it worked a treat and I was super proud how well it came out.

Heres where my story goes south, 2 days later my dad came over to check the progress we made. I was showing him the kitchen explaining the process I used to quickly take the thinset off. My father proceeded to look at the floor and asked what was the material on it. I said its concrete (it appeared to be anyways), he said no it's not. He proceeded to grab a utility knife and cut a small square of material off the floor where I had ground down the thinset. It was a paper like material that was brittle. He said it looked to be the paper backing that came with old vinyl sheet flooring. He looked over at the family room, saw the old sheet flooring and told my that I needed to get out of the house and get the materials tested. So I packed up the wife and kids and headed to my parents house for the weekend.

Yesterday the testing company came out and took samples from all over the house. Today we received the results. Both the vinyl in the family room etc and the paper that was below the thinset tested positive for asbestos. The paper-stuff below the thinset tested positive for 15% white crystalline asbestos.

The story gets worse. I test ground a spot on Wednesday night and did a little bit more on Thursday Night. We live in South FL. We ran the AC overnight both nights. I then continued to finish the Job on Friday (the AC was off all day Friday.)

Because I pulverized the asbestos into a fine powder (literally the absolute worst thing you can do), and even though I was running the shopvac pulling up the material as I went it didn't have heppa filter and just had a regular collection bag so therefore, the asbestos, through the help of my AC has contaminated my entire home.

I exposed my family to a toxic cancer causing element and effectively ruined my home because I didn't know what I was doing. Something so innocent as just wanting to lay floors has turned into an absolute nightmare. I consider myself lucky because if it wasn't for my father, we would have continued to lay the floor and just cleaned up and never had a second thought about it and just lived in it.

The one thing I don't understand is why isn't there more awareness about this stuff? Like seriously there should be freaking commercials, warnings at home depot, pamphlets or something. Hell, the guy at the freaking flooring store could have said, hey make sure to check whats underneath your old floors before you begin.

I asked the asbestos tester, that based on her experience, was it common for home owners to do exactly what I did and never know about it - she said probably about 90% of people who do DIY do not test and do not know that they have contaminated their home. She told me that some contractors are even worse because they do so many homes. They are often working with unskilled labor that don't know or don't care and just rip it up, contaminate the area, and leave.

Anyways, sorry for the wall of text but I literally feel sick about what happened. We have no access to anything in the home. We will likely have to trash clothes, sheets, basically any fabrics in the home. We are in the position where we can afford to fix this problem but honestly its clearing us out. Let my mistake be a lesson. Be Safe.

**TLDR: IF YOU ARE IN A HOME BUILT PRIOR TO 1980 PLEASE MAKE SURE TO TAKE PROPER PRECAUTIONS AND GET THE MATERIALS YOU ARE WORKING WITH TESTED BEFORE PROCEEDING TO DEMO ANYTHING.**

Some have requested photos of the material. You can see it here https://imgur.com/a/Mz7UBhX


Asbestos contamination update - My consequences of not knowing what I was doing during a simple demo of old floors

Well, it was bad. As bad as I thought it would be. I received four quotes for the decontamination and removal of the rest of the asbestos containing floors which ranged from $17,000 all the way up to $38,000. All contractors I spoke with told me essentially the same thing - That all porous materials had to be disposed of and that my fiberglass AC duct work also had to go. The contractor we went with ended up costing us $22,000 for the abatement and another $6,800 for the ceiling repairs and re-finishing.

So here I am a month and a half into this nightmare and we just had our clearance testing done. 2 air samples out of 9 failed. The concentration for the worst one was up at 340 s/cc and the other at 140 s/cc. This was after negative air machines were running 24 hours a day for weeks and after the cleaning of every hard surface. My abatement contractor told me that in 24 years he's never failed an clearance air sample test. He also said this was the first time he's ever seen someone grind the material (he's heard of it just never seen it.) But this just goes to show how high the concentration of asbestos was in the air when I originally ground the material. So the second round of cleaning and air filtration is happening right now as I write this.

All in all, We lost all of our couches, mattresses, clothing, towels, sheets, pretty much any thing that had fabric on it. The ceilings had to be trenched in order to pull the AC duct work out without contaminating the attic as well as my air handler having to be completely dissembled and cleaned.

All of this happened because I did not know what I was doing. Had I chipped up some of the tiles and recognized what was under the thinset, I would have never ground it but I didn't know what I was looking at - luckily my father did.

I can not stress this enough. If you are in an old house, and you are going to be preforming your own demo work on anything that could even remotely contain asbestos (vinyl floors, mastic, pop corn, joint compound, really old insulation, siding, etc.) spend the $20 on a diy test kit and wait a week for results. I can not stress enough how much a pain in the ass it is to get rid of asbestos once it's in the air.

$50 and a one week delay to your project is a hell of a lot cheaper and safer than what I am going though. Also, if it is asbestos go online get disposable tyvec suits and p100 respirators - be safe. A one time hit of asbestos isn't the worst but it sure as shit isn't good- be careful with this stuff.

—-

I AM NOT OOP. THIS IS A REPOST SUB. THIS IS NOT MY STORY OR SITUATION.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

CONCLUDED OP's Ex-Husband's Girlfriend Wants Her To Leave Her Home So She Can Move In (AITA Oct 7, '22)

15.5k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/lowstakes_orisit in r/AmItheAsshole June 28, '22, updated Oct 7, '22.

Original post

Deleted and recovered

My ex-husband and I are in our early 40s and late 30s and have been divorced for almost 3 years now. While he did not want to get divorced, we separated and have been co-parenting our two pre-teens amicably. He lives within 5 blocks of our old home and while we have 50/50 custody, our kids freely bounce between our places and choose how they want to spend holidays. We've tried hard to create a sense of stability despite the change in our family situation and have standing 'tune up' therapy twice a year to make sure we're all comfortable with the arrangements.

His recent partner Maria (29F) has been the only one to make past the 6 month mark and prior to this encounter I would say that she makes him happy and is a pretty reasonable lady! She has a very sweet and precocious son (9) that we all adore and generally I thought things were going well.

I invited Maria to bring her son to my place if she would like him to join my kids in private language classes, she accepted and this has been going on for a few weeks now, my kids adore him. Last week she said something to me that was surprising, she asked me when I would be moving my things out so that my ex and her could be able to co-habitat. I was taken aback and confused asking her to clarify "my current home, this home?" And she nonchalantly told me "You don't need all this space for 3 people. We wouldn't have space at ex's current condo." Her son looked so awful and embarrassed at this point, that I was like "Uhh, this conversation would need to include my ex."

My kids and I live in a brownstone that my ex and I purchased together 50/50, but that I have been renovating since before the divorce. My ex lives in a nice condo that's spacious but is still a little bit of a man cave. Later in the evening I got a text message from her son that was pleading for me to forgive his mom, that he's sorry for his mom and to not tell my ex.

I feel awful, but I think I should let my ex know this conversation occurred and let him handle it. WIBTA if I told my ex-husband my concerns about his GF?

EDIT: I'm the single owner of the house. My ex insisted throughout the divorce that I keep it. We do co-own his condo though haha.

In the comments:

Before our divorce, we owned both properties outright. Our divorce was very amicable - He INSISTED I keep the brownstone.

After the divorce, I had my lawyer help me transfer the brownstone deed and my ex signed the documents. He just never did that with the condo. I asked him a few times, and the answers always been hand wavy. I'm his ex-wife, not going to continue nagging him on something he's dragging his feet on.

The awkward conversation happened in person. I shut it down cause her son was there and I could tell understood the situation and felt uncomfortable. He texted me afterwards from his own phone.

He's a special kid in the best way, very mature and advanced for his age.

The thing is I don't think it's been discussed between them at all. I think she may have just assumed?

When we separated, he insisted that I keep house and that I didn't need to buy him out. The house belonging to me is ironclad, I just got nervous and blurted out that we'd discuss it cause her son was there.

Update 3 months later

I procrastinated bring up what Maria said and basically told myself assume best intentions/awkward curiosity. My thought process was that it's my home and she'll have to cart me outta here on the back of a hearse. I admit I was also nervous about raining on his happiness, and did not want to be perceived as a bitter ex.

The kids had a grand time at camp and a month or so ago later we had family dinner with both sets of grandparents. My ex brought Maria and it started out great, everyone welcomed Maria and her son. Maria was helping me finish up dessert in the kitchen and I was patting myself on the back for the Goop level blended family dynamic when she made an off the cuff comment about how she'd host parties here. Ex came in with the kids, overheard and asked "oh did Lowstakes offer for you to host?" Maria's son just burst into tears and started apologizing...

It was genuinely one of the most awkward experiences of my life. Long story short, the entire family has learned that Ex had a vasectomy after divorce and is not looking to re-marry anytime soon. Afterwards I talked to him about the previous interaction along with showing him the text messages. They're no longer together.

I am worried about Maria's son although I recognize it's not my place. Unsure what I can do there.

*Edit* Some people asked why I laughed "haha" at the end of my edit that I owned half his condo. It was mainly out of uncomfortable irony. Ex is extremely driven and brilliant in his career but disorganized in life.

Note from your reposter: OOP kinda glossed over the confrontation between the ex and Maria. Some people are confused about why Maria thought the house was too big for OOP's 3 people but not too big for her own 3 people and the way things played out when the ex found out. This is my take. Maria already planning to move into that house with MORE than 3 people because she was already planning all the kids they were going to have. Without ever discussing it with him. That's why she thought they'd need a bigger house and what brought the vasectomy up during the confrontation.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 8d ago

CONCLUDED AITA for refusing to lie to my niece about why she is not allowed to come skiing with me?

7.5k Upvotes

I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by u/throwaway_neiceski on r/AmItheAsshole**.**

AITA for refusing to lie to my niece about why she is not allowed to come skiing with me? (19 Dec 2022)

I (F29) have a brother, Hugo (M31). When Hugo was 19 he got his then-girlfriend Amy pregnant. They had their daughter Ashley (now 11) and later got married and had a baby boy (4).

Over the years, I've become close to Ashley. When I'm home (I live abroad) I take her out to shows, shopping, horse riding etc. We also keep in contact via text. She’s bright and thoughtful, just a pleasure to have around. Amy has never liked me but has mostly put this aside for Ashley.

Me and my bf are visiting my family for Christmas and then leaving to go skiing. We arranged for Ashley to come skiing and stay with us for New Years. Amy wasn't keen on this idea but relented because Ashley was excited to learn how to ski, as all her school friends do.

I took my bf's hire car to pick Ashley up from school on Friday, and she was excited because it's a sports car and I let her friends sit in it and take pictures. At dinner, she asked if I would drive her to and chaperone her and her friends going ice skating on Tuesday in town. Hugo said I probably didn't want to look after a bunch of kids, and Amy had already planned to chaperone. Ashley ignored him and begged me to chaperone. I didn't really mind but Amy looked annoyed so I said I wouldn't want to mess with the established plan. Ashley kept pushing, and said she didn't want Amy to come because Amy dressed badly and was never fun and embarrassed her. Hugo told her to apologise, which she did, but she also kept insisting it was true. Amy got teary and Hugo kept telling Ashley she’d upset her mother but this just made Ashley angrier and she dug her heels in. Because of this, she was told she was not allowed to go ice skating and is now not speaking to Amy.

Yesterday, Amy and Hugo came to me and said they didn’t want Ashley to come skiing anymore. Amy feels like Ashley needs to spend more time with her family and Hugo is supporting her. They asked if I would tell Ashley that me and bf had changed our plans and wouldn’t be going on the trip anymore. I asked why and they said if they told Ashley the truth that she would blame Amy and that would defeat the point of her trying to build a bridge with Ashley. I said I understand that but I didn’t feel right lying to Ashley and if her parents had made the decision they need to deal with the consequences not push it onto me. Amy said if I cared about Ashley I would realise it’s best for me to fall on my sword rather than alienate her further from her mother. I said no again but Hugo said we should all take until Wednesday to think about it. Ashley is still being very standoffish to her mother, and I know if she finds out her mother cancelled the ski trip it will get worse, so now I’m wondering if I should go along with Amy’s plan. I just want what’s best for Ashley. AITA?

Editing to add the background to Amy and Ashley’s relationship (commented this elsewhere): A lot of it comes from Amy trying very hard to be Ashley’s friend. Amy was young when she had Ashley and she was quite isolated caring for her while Hugo worked and went to uni (he was cut off by our parents at that time). She threw all her efforts into being a mum and being as close to Ashley as humanly possible. Ashley has explained to me that this has become very suffocating to her. She is trying to forge her own circle and she feels like Amy insists on being part of it, while also refusing to engage with her on her level.

The second part is that my parents pay for Ashley to attend a very prestigious private school. Hugo and Amy are nowhere near as affluent as the other families and Ashley feels a bit left out. It’s part of the reason I have chipped in for some of her extra curricular activities. But the fact is, she doesn’t always feel like she fits in, which is hard for her. Her school is full of non-working “Range Rover/birkin” mothers who are either “cool” or absent, and Amy is neither. She’s involved but Ashley finds her stifling, and doesn’t want her involved in her social life.

it’s also my opinion that Ashley is trying to get some emotional space from her mother only way she knows how - by making her not want to spend time with her. Amy doesn’t respond to her requests so I think she’s just resorting to being mean to her. Which obviously isn’t okay.

Edit 2 since this is being asked a lot: Ashley and I have talked since the dinner and she knows I think she shouldn’t have said what she said, we’ve talked about it. Even she said she shouldn’t have said what she said. Did I go ham and tell her she’s entitled/spoilt/throw the kitchen sink at her? No. But she knows I think she was wrong and she agree.

Editing in comments found by u/PJsAreComfy:

  • She repeatedly calls me a prostitute and implies that because my fiancé supports me financially I am his employee. She has also told Ashley that I have numerous cosmetic procedures that I don’t, and that I am only with fiancé because he has money.
  • The long and the short of it is, she resents that I got to have the young adulthood she didn’t. She hates that I did all the things she would have wanted to do while she had a child, and that I got rewarded for all this with a close relationship to the child that she gave everything to raise. She also thinks it’s unseemly that I don’t have a job or kids. Also, she just doesn’t like me as a person.
  • My parents have always been kind to Amy. They’re both gregarious, social people. Prior to this whole mess they actually quite liked Amy, but she was never and daughter to them, and she likely never will be. I understand in some families it’s different, but that is how our family is. They don’t see my fiancé as a son, they like him, they trust him, but they don’t love him. Maybe with time those relationships develop but they’re not intrinsic. Maybe Amy expected that, and this falling short left her hurt.

OOP's Judgement: NTA

UPDATE - My brother and SIL asked me to lie to my niece about the ski trip (8 Jan 2023)

First of all, thank you to everyone who responded. I received some really great advice and some amazingly kind messages, so thank you again! I am getting a lot of update requests, so here it is.

To get this out of the way for everyone who wants a quick update, Ashley did end up coming on the ski trip. We had a great time, me especially as my engagement ring arrived and me and my bf are now officially engaged.

A lot of people suggested we all sit down to discuss what's been going on, and we did. Ashley managed to say a lot of what she'd been saying to me to Amy. The conversation boiled down to, Ashley doesn't want an absent mother, but she wants a mother, not a friend. She wants a mum who drives her to ice skating with her friends, and sits in the stands to supervise, not one who comes onto the ice with them and tries to hang out. She says she does sometimes feel awkward at school, but she manages it most of the time, until her mum is around and then she is reminded that she's different. A lot more was said, but this was the main gist.

As for Amy, it turns out she has a lot of resentment towards our family, and even towards Ashley. She feels it's not fair that me and my parents focused so much on supporting Ashley rather than supporting Amy. She said instead of funding Ashley's education, my parents should have offered to pay for her to attend university after Ashley was born, or they should have done this instead of clearing Hugo's student loan debt. She said us caring about Ashley should have made us like her more but we all ignored her in favour of her baby, and now even her kid was abandoning her. I won't comment on this other than to say we were all shocked by what she said.

The outcome of the conversation was that Hugo and Amy decided never to tell Ashley that they almost didn't let her go on the ski trip. Ashley will start seeing a therapist to talk about what's been going on with her at home and at school, and bring her mother into some sessions if necessary. My parents have offered to fund it if it's not feasible for her parents to pay, but they're looking into it.

Ashley said Amy has been giving her a lot more space since she got home, and Hugo has been spending more time with her, and might start taking riding lessons with her (he played polo as a teen) for them to bond more doing something Ashley loves. Overall she seems a lot happier. Unfortunately, the things Amy said about our family have caused some issues between her and Hugo. Everyone is hoping they can work through it.

So, sort of an open ended update, but I'm really glad Ashley finally got to have the conversation she needed, and that she seems to be doing so well, because really that is all I've ever been hoping for.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to comment!

Editors Note: I am marking this as concluded because the original issue (the ski trip) was resolved and also because it sounds like OOP isn't planning on making a habit of updating on the overall situation.

Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. Originally posted by u/throwaway_neiceski on r/AmItheAsshole**.**

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 1d ago Helpful (Pro)

CONCLUDED My dad abandoned me when I was 2 and now wants to meet me

12.3k Upvotes

I am not OOP. OOP was u/justjackson. He posted in r/AskReddit 10 years ago. He has not been active since.

Fun fact to cover up spoilers: since OOP made these posts on ask reddit, your fact is about that sub. In 2015, it was the most popular sub on reddit. As of 2021, it has 33.5 million members. (Also there's a good list of 'best answers' from that sub on the website bored panda.)

Trigger Warning: Overdose, death, abandonment, child abuse, child neglect, child homelessness

Mood Spoiler: Utterly heartbreaking, but OOP is doing well now

Original Post: October 9, 2012

Title: My dad abandoned me when I was 2 and now wants to meet me. I ended up living in a 6 foster homes and faced a lot of abuse after my mom od'd. Does it make me a horrible person to meet him just to tell him how I grew up?

My mom overdosed when I was four. I was used to her passing out for periods of time, so I just made toast and watched cartoons at first. But on the third day I got bored and went to play at the playground. Someone became concerned and next thing you know they're taking her away and I'm going to stay with "some nice people."

Well, none of this people were very nice. I could go in details, but lets just say that I was removed from the first few due to abuse. And by the time I was put in a decent home I wasn't a nice little kid people wanted to adopt anymore. I was "too old" and an asshole who hated them because I knew- in little kid logic- that even though they had red bunk beds and gave me ice cream after dinner, that soon they would be like the rest.

I eventually ran away when I was sixteen, my foster dad got mad at me for going in the fridge without asking and next thing I know I'm packing my bags because I figured someone would pay me to do shitty work and wouldn't treat me like trash.

I'm 24 now and my dad friended me on fb. We have the same name and he sent me a long message about how he's gotten older now and thinks I should meet my siblings, etc.

... I hate him. Maybe I shouldn't. But he left me with a heroin addict and went on about his life. He has a family now? Well, cool. I never had one. Not until I grew up and started my own.

I honestly think that letting him know I don't want to be his buddy or his son or whatever he thinks he needs would make me feel better. I could stop hating him and resenting him, unload it on him and just move on. I also want to let him now that I lived in an apartment with my dead mom for three days and we didn't have anyone who cared about us enough to come by. I want to show him the burns I have on my arm. I want to let him know that I hid from one of my foster dads every night under my bed and prayed to a god I no longer believe in that he would just leave me alone. I want him to know that I never had real birthdays or christmases. That I wasn't allowed to go in the fridge in most of these places and in extreme cases I wasn't even allowed to leave my room unsupervised.

Would this be petty and horrible? Should I just ignore him?

Relevant Comments:

Have you heard his side? Did he know your mom died?

"He did know my mom died because they contacted him and his relatives to try and place me. They weren't interested. My mom didn't have anybody."

In classic 2012 reddit fashion, people blame the mother for being a bitch, so of course the dad would want nothing to do with the family, and that fighting for the kid would somehow result in him having no custody but paying child support so a 'truly loving dad' would just leave. Or something Idk I lost braincells reading this comment.

"Then why would a truly loving dad refuse full custody two years later when offered it? And in all seriousness, no man I know would cut off contact with his children rather than pay child support and only get to see them on the weekend."

More rudeness saying the mom didn't try either, so what dad did wasn't that bad in comparison to mom: (again, these comments are disgusting but OOP gives a fuller picture so I'm including them):

"They called him to see if he had any interest when my mom died. He didn't. And neither did any of his family. He then signed away any rights he had. And what did my mom do? Yeah, she od'd. But she tried. She fed and clothed me and loved me. She was addicted to a drug and it was a horrible thing, but she loved her son. He walked away and 22 years later decided to see how life treated me."

"I was four. For two years she did it on her own. He never called or checked on me. Or sent a dime. After living in seven fake-families, I can tell you that not one treated me as good as she did. She was screwed up but she tried. He didn't have the balls to try. Do you have kids? I have two. I've never spent more than a weekend away from them. And I can tell you, that I would die for them. I would work 80 hour weeks if that's what it took to support them. I would do anything for them. But I would never just walk away and not look back for two decades."

"She didn't -get- full custody. She got left with it, there wasn't a divorce or custody battle. Technically that was criminal. Maybe his life is better. But apparently it bothers him enough to write me a sappy message and ask to meet me. But, the cost of him walking away is he'll never be my dad and I'll never grab the cup of coffee. A parents job is to make their life support a child. And I have no respect for anyone who doesn't even try. Even people in prison write letter to their kids."

More about foster time:

"I know there are good places. I stayed in contact with my social worker and she cried when we met up once and said that I was her worst case, because I was such a sweet adoptable little boy and I got the worst of the lot. And by the time she found a good placement I was too scared for it to be a good place. Thanks for being a good foster mom"

This gem of a comment by a commenter:

Commenter: The only criminal here is you acting like he should have abandoned a good life over a mistake your mom made.

OOP: "Maybe I should teach sex ed. Because you seem ignorant of how babies are made by two people.

I also sincerely advise you to have a vasectomy if you think a good, loving father would act the way you described. Because that's not the kind of love a kid needs."

Edit from Lucy**-** I should mention that a majority of commenters were very supportive. I included the above comments because they added more to the story.

Update Post: October 9, 2012 (later that day)

I wrote a message, is this okay to send? I decided I don't want to come off as bitter or angry. But I don't want him to still have hope of some kind of hallmark movie ending either.

Dear Jack,

I am 24 years old. I am not the little boy who cried when you left. I am a man, with a son and daughter of my own. I've never spent more than a weekend away from them. I am a father and a damned good one. I don't need you anymore.

Once, I needed you. When my mom died, I really could have used a dad. I could have used anybody. When she died, there wasn't even anybody there. No one cared about us. I spent three days in that apartment, eating toast and just waiting for her to wake up.

And then they called you. Because you were my dad. You were twenty three, young, but not so young really. If you had came and gotten me, you would have had a son. I would have loved you forever.

But you didn't. So I went to a bunch of people who didn't love me, but liked the check they got with me. It didn't make them treat me well. I have burn marks on my arm and I still can't spend time in closed in dark spaces after being shut in closets. An afternoon is a long time when you can't count.

I didn't count on anybody. I used to pray, the way mom did with me when I was little. But after praying for someone to come and rescue me, long enough, hiding under my bed and praying that my foster dad wouldn't come in and would leave me alone for just one night. Just one night. I stopped believing in most things.

I lived in seven different homes from 4-16. And even the decent ones, I was never family. I didn't have real birthdays or christmases. I wasn't allowed to go in the fridge and just get food when I Was hungry.

When I was 16 me and my foster dad got in a fight over a ham sandwich. "Boy, what are you doing in our things?". And so, I left. Sixteen, with nobody to call, and 40 bucks. I just walked away with a backpack. Anything could've happened to me.

But I made it. I'm a man now. And I don't need you. I don't want you to feel bad. I just want you to know why I can't be your son. I'm 24 and have never been any one's son. I don't know how. And I just don't have it in me.

Jackson

Edit: He also wrote a comment on a post about "kids who overcame." (October 12, 2012)

"Well, I am not some celebrity success story, but considering my poor placements and the fact that I ran away from the foster system and high school when I was 16, I think I might roughly qualify for ending up a pretty average guy.

I'm 24 and work as an electrician- I have an associates in it (who would've guessed I'd go to college? No one.). I went to school when I was 19 after I got my GED. I'm married with two kids- the oldest is three and the youngest is seven months. And I'm a really good dad. Which surprised me because I never had one, but I adore my kids. I would walk on fire for them.

I'm happy. And I think that blue-collar, middle-class living suits me. I honestly thought I'd end up in prison or something but instead I found this life."

I found this post today and cried. It has been a decade since he posted, but I sincerely hope Jackson is living a wonderful life.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 3d ago

CONCLUDED OP's employee tells him he's gay...and things take an unexpected turn

10.9k Upvotes

Reminder: I am NOT OP. Original post by u/IamConfused007

Spoiler: unexpected but wholesome

AITA for not reacting right to a colleague telling me he is gay? ( Feb 8 2022 )

I feel like I could be in the wrong here, even if I don't understand why. To be honest, there have been incidents in the past where I have unwittingly been rude without intending to, and there are some social norms that escape my understanding.

Which is why I would appreciate some impartial unbiased input and am posting here.

One of my colleague's H (technically I am his boss, not sure if that matters) came into my office today. I have an open door policy to encourage team members to come forward and share their ideas, so this was not that unusual.

H came into my office and said "I am gay." I thought there would he would be saying something else, so I waited for him to continue. After a moment I made a sound of assent to make it clear I heard him., but he still didn't say anything. Since he was staring at me, I assumed he was trying to convey something I wasn't understanding.

Here's where I might have messed up. The first thing I said (my friends specifically scolded me because this was the first thing I said) was to ask if he had had any insights in marketing to that demographic (we work in a marketing firm). H said he hadn't.

I asked him if he was getting married and needed time off (this too, I have been informed was an assholish response). H said he wasn't married. I finally said that if H had nothing else he wanted to discuss, he should leave as I had a meeting starting in a few minutes and needed the office. He left.

Shortly afterwards a mutual friend scolded me and said I was a right asshole for the way I responded to H.

AITA for how I responded? If so, could you please explain i) what I did wrong ii) what should have been the right response iii) how I can fix this

UPDATE: He's my brother-in-law now! ( Jan 19 2023 )

I never really thought I would every post an update, but I wanted to share the good news! Nearly an year after my junior colleague H unexpectedly came out to me at work, he's become engaged to my brother.

At the advice of this forum, I had a follow up conversation with H to ensure that he was not facing any type of harassment or discrimination, and try to understand what prompted his exclamation. It fortunately nothing major, and as H seemed to find the conversation embarrassing.

A month later, my parents finally got to courage to ask J, my father's assistant about adoption. My parents had met J several years ago when he was huddling by the side of the road. He had aged out of foster system but due to lack of support he could not get a job and was homeless. My parents had invited him to spend the night, and he has been working as my father's assistant ever since. J has been like a second son to my parents for a long time, and after a late night conversation when J opened up to how alone he sometimes felt because he had no family, my parents asked him how he would feel about adult adoption. I wasn't there when they asked him, but at the family dinner afterwards it was very emotional and long overdue. However, as the days went on, J seemed to get more and more anxious and seemed to withdraw from us. Nearly a month later, he told us in a shaking voice that he couldn't go through the adoption because he had been deceiving us, he was gay. Now throughout all his time with my family, J had never dated. We all had assumed he was just shy or uninterested, so it was heartbreaking to hear that he felt he needed to censor himself, and that he thought we would leave him if we knew the truth. It was a painful conversation but ended happily, and the next day J went with my parents to file the paperwork.

At that time, my siblings and I were wondering how we could show J he had nothing to worry about, when I remembered H and asked him if I could share his email with J. I had been thinking that it would good for J to have a friend who was out -- I never imagined they would start dating and become engaged!

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 14d ago

CONCLUDED AITA: Coworkers “cultural” food smells up office, she blasts me on socials for being racist

14.6k Upvotes

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Ok_Television1108. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole. Their first post was removed. (I did check with the AITA mods to make sure it was ok that I post it here.)

Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers: u/allis_in_chains and u/Watchful-Sleeper requested opossums. Opossums are the only marsupial found north of Mexico. Their tail acts as a fifth appendage and they are able to carry some things with it! They cannot, however, sleep hanging by their tails.

Trigger Warning: False accusations

Mood Spoiler: The whole thing is weird.

Original Post: (recovered with unddit) January 9, 2023

So I have a Korean co-worker who was adopted when she was a baby by the whitest people I have ever met. I’m Hispanic and adopted also by the whitest people ever. So we, I guess, co-worker bonded over it at first. She talks about her heritage though as if she was raised Korean and pretends she doesn’t have white parents? Which I don’t understand but to each their own.

So, this coworker is constantly bringing Korean food into the office that smells so intense or bad the entire office smells for the rest of the day. I have a sensitive stomach with smells and cannot handle it constantly. We also work in an extremely small office space, so this isn’t space where I can ask to move desks or I’m bothered by some faint smell in the distance.

Now I wouldn’t have an issue if it was once in a while even once a week but it’s making me physically ill at my desk every day for months now. I really can not emphasize enough that it’s not the smell of intense seasonings or ingredients that is turning my stomach but it actually smells like expired bad food.

Yesterday was the worst, I couldn’t take it anymore, I politely apologized and asked her if she could maybe consider eating in the break room because my stomach couldn’t handle the smells. I would ask the same if our buddy Sam was bringing tuna sandwiches in.

I think I said I’m so sorry 10+ times in the process of asking because I know she is sensitive about it.

She got quiet and threw out her food.

Again I apologized 100 times but now the food was in the trash can next to my desk and it was deadly the whole day.

I actually had to ask if I could go home an hour early and she made an off remark that I didn’t have to pretend to be sick she wouldn’t bring her “culture” to work again.

I assumed things would be tense but I woke up this morning to a bunch of posts on her social media dragging me by name as a racist. She went as far as calling me a white supremacist in one and said that I told her she wasn’t allowed to eat anything non-American in the office as it offended me.

That’s NOT what happened, at all. My boss even said we have to have a meeting this afternoon regarding issues with coworkers, which this is obviously it, and now I’m terrified I’m going to be fired for being a racist.

I tried to apologize to her and tell her there may have been a misunderstanding but she cried about how insulting her “cultural food” was the deepest racist attack she has ever experienced and she doesn’t feel safe working with me anymore.

My other coworker (previously mentioned Sam) said that my comparison to him bringing Tuna wasn’t the same because it has nothing to do with his heritage. He said that maybe my nausea is really some repressed racism. I don’t even know how to process all this.

I genuinely feel like I’m losing my mind. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, let alone this badly.

Reddit…. Am I the asshole?

Relevant comments:

"Honestly the way they were talking about me being racist I was googling if subconsciously I could get physically ill from it. Ever just meet people who make you question your sanity because of how serious and genuinely angry they are????

And we don’t have an actually HR department just the manager who clearly already knows. Meetings around 3 so we’ll see how it goes but at this point she’s so upset in arms about me being a racist I don’t know if manager would want to even deal with the backlash.

As far as pretending her parents are Korean it’s not that she acts as if they are but she talks constantly about her birth parents as if they are her parents and talks about Korea as if she was raised there. I mean that’s all she ever talks about really “my mom and dad were Buddhists so I keep their stuff with me” and her desk is covered in spiritual stuff “from them” but it’s all stuff she bought. Her actual mom and dad who have come to the office before are so sweet and nice and she acts friendly to them but calls them by first name basis. Mind you this is a 26 year old who never met her birth parents, was adopted around 1 years old, and has never been back to Korea since. Basically she talks as if her parents are Korean immigrants and she was raised by them with their culture while the sweet couple who raised and spoiled her she pretends don’t exist."

"I never said she couldn’t eat it or bring it, just asked her very politely to follow the rule everyone else does. Why am I the asshole for wanting my desk space to not wreak. It’s a shared space by everyone and there is a designated space for food because of this exact reason so please God, I don’t understand what I did wrong."

About the smell:

"Yesterdays meal looked like fettuccini Alfredo made with rice noodles but genuinely smelled like spoiled milk."

"I’m weirdly not bothered by fish in general by any means, I actually fish and will clean my own fish. I mentioned Tuna since it was the first “smelly” non cultural related dish I could think of. Her food doesn’t smell fishy by any means it smells more like expired milk and most are creamy dishes so I think she’s genuinely using expired ingredients??? I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s genuinely not like strong smelling food but actually bad bad."

"I would say the same to any food that smelled genuinely rotten. As I said in the main post it’s not that the smell is intense it is actually genuinely bad like spoiled milk. My best friends growing up we’re Vietnamese and though their food smells can be intense and different it was never like this. I don’t care what culture the food is from, I have nothing again Korean food, I actually love Korean BBQ and have a mom and pop I frequent which again smells really intense but not BAD. I cannot emphasize enough that it has nothing to do with cultural food but that however she is cooking these dishes -"

Did anyone else hear/what do the others think?

"Everyone was in the office and heard it, my 3 unmentioned coworkers who share the small space all agreed with me and thanked me end of day yesterday BUT they’re also terrified of my Korean coworker as she is quick to be offended and everyone kinda walks eggshells so I don’t know how willing they would be to stand up for me. There are security cameras so manager could even check but I was starting to genuinely be afraid that it was racist to ask her not to eat at her desk since the food is Korean. This isn’t something I’ve ever dealt with before and by all means I really was as polite and genuine as I possibly could be with her."

"I never said they can’t bring it at all, she’s the only person who eats at her desk. I had limited text but my other 3 coworkers who walk on eggshells around her thanked me after work. The only person who didn’t agree with me also called me racist because they are her best friend outside of work not just at work.I genuinely have no issue with her bringing food but when everyone else eats in the break room or out of the office why should we all have to struggle with the smell at our desks? More over its not that her food is cultural or intense, I genuinely think she is using expired ingredients. It doesn’t smell a lot - it smells BAD - like * SPOILED * And FYI there is a sign in the breakroom that says to keep all meals in the “kitchen”

Why does her heritage matter/why did OOP include that information?

"I included these details due to what she’s saying on social media. Her saying that I insulted her Korean immigrant parents because they taught her to cook - when she has never met her Korean parents is relevant because she’s blatantly lying. She went as far as saying I told her to go back to her country calling her and her family slurs. My issue was her home cooking smelling like death - not intense but awful. I didn’t even know it was Korean until she started calling me racist. But as far as how she talks about her family I was answering someone’s question who was curious and who her family is matters when again - she’s straight up lying all over social media about it involving me being racist. Which again, I haven’t done. I don’t think she’s aware there are security cameras in our office and there’s legitimate proof I haven’t done any of the things she’s saying."

My personal favorite comment:

"I need to really emphasize I fucking love Fettuchini Alfredo and whatever disaster she home cooked was NOT how it’s supposed to smell. My other 3 coworkers also are ready to vomit at all her home cooked meals. I don’t know what this crazy lady is putting in her food but something is very very wrong and I am not the only one smelling it. 4/6 office employees are ready to vomit and the only one other than her who isn’t has self proclaimed they have “no sense of smell.” I can swear to you it is a miracle this woman is surviving let alone thriving off of whatever the fuck she is cooking.

That abomination of “food” she called Fettucini Alfredo is not anything I would deem edible."

There is a wide mix of responses, and since the post was deleted I don't know the final judgement.

Update Comment: Later that day

UPDATE:

The meeting was gold.

And I have to start with my favorite part:

The food wasn’t Korean. It was indeed, as suspected, Fettuchini Alfredo. That’s right, ya’ll are mad at me for finding Korean food smelling bad and it wasn’t even Korean. This unhinged woman’s lies know no limits.

———

So to start she came in the morning and went straight to managers office. Told him all these racist things I said about her food and such and was crying in hysterics. Like absolute hysterics. My manager came out after, asked for the meeting, then went back over the past few hours and watched every interaction we had together over the last day and a half.

We have security cameras in the office due to working with some sensitive information, what we say and to who on the phone can legally matter a lot so we all should know we’re being watched but maybe coworker thought that was a lie???? Forgot???? Who knows.

Low and behold though, I didn’t say or do anything racist, and was only asking her to follow rules insanely politely.

More over when he watched me leave the office yesterday, he watched me say goodbye to everyone and apparently RIGHT after I left Sam started asking the coworker about the food saying she told him she was making Fettuccini Alfredo and that it didn’t look Korean AND THE IDIOT CONFIRMED! Apparently she thought I was ASSUMING it was Korean because of how she looks and that I was being racist. She assumed, because she looks Korean, that me asking her to eat in the break-room was an insult to Korean food and decided to just lie around that assumption.

The most unhinged shit I have ever heard in my entire life.

I don’t know who to be more mad at, my 3 coworkers who didn’t tell me the shit was cheesy noodles, the culprit for lying this god damn badly, or Sam for knowing and gas lighting me so badly I thought I was going crazy.

My boss, THANK GOD, was extremely chill about it with me and we ended up shooting the shit for a short bit about some nerd stuff and he told me she’s being put on 2 week leave while he and the owner figure out how to fire her without her trying to sue and to try and relax a bit. He also already had screenshots of her socials and the company will be threatening legal action if she doesn’t take it down. However he did advise me, as many of you guys did, to consider a lawyer or restraining order because this entire thing is so unhinged.

So basically - I’m not fucking crazy, as much as I’ve felt like it all god damn day.

Fucking Fettuccini Alfredo.

Relevant Comments:

"Dude, on god it shouldn’t smell like that. I fucking love Fettuchini Alfredo. This woman should not be allowed within a 100ft radius of a kitchen. I don’t know how you can mess up something that bad but when I say it smelled rancid it was BAD bad."

"No like her cooking was ALL that bad no matter what she brought. One day she made chicken noodle soup and it was so notably pungent like a wet cloth shoe that was worn all day. She even offered people to taste it and one of our other coworkers was so desperately curious as to why it smelled like that and risked it for the biscuit. They ended up vomiting later that day and said it was the worst thing they ever tasted. I don’t know what’s wrong with her taste buds or sense of smell but holy god I didn’t even know anyone could be so oblivious."

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11d ago Glow Up

CONCLUDED I ran away Christmas morning

7.8k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by OOP /u/Crowninggoh in r/regretfulparents

Trigger Warning: This is from the r/regretfulparents subreddit, which is a safe place for parents to discuss various regrets concerning their children, but it might be triggering or difficult to read for some people.


 

Reminder: I am not the OP.

 

I ran away Christmas morning - Jan 5th 2023

FYI: Using a throwaway account since my husband follows the main one.

It has taken me more than I want to admit to be able to make this post, but I hope maybe some other parents who have been in a similar situation can use this to feel less alone.

I'm a mother of three beautiful and smart children. After giving birth to my first child I immediately regretted my decision. I realized I was not fit to be a mother and did not love my child as a mother should. My husband a couple of years after the first, convinced me to have another. I was at first extremely hesitant and did not want other children, but I decided that maybe this was a way to fix things and give my other child a chance to have a sibling. That of course didn't work... My husband loves kids, and because we come from a culture that sees the more children the better I gave in once again and had my third. I realized more children didn't really change that much for me, I was already a mother after my first and my life was already ruined back then.

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am a bad mother, I am a great mother and fight to hide my depression every day. That is why one of the reasons I went all out this Christmas. I had suddenly gotten a flash of energy that I decided I wanted to use this Christmas. My husband, loving my change in attitude and spending time with family was all game on having a huge Christmas family party. Which included our parents, our siblings, and all our children. We were a lot of people and most slept in our house on Christmas eve. There were a lot of presents under the tree because of that.

On Christmas morning I woke up earlier than the others to prepare breakfast and I look inside the living room and just scream, completely breaking down crying. all of the presents had been opened, the boxes were opened and the presents were scattered EVERYWHERE. I completely lost it and that woke up the others. When the children saw they started crying too, they had all been so excited for the many presents this year. The adults were in shock.

Well if you wonder who the culprit was, we quickly figured out that it was my youngest. He literally went downstairs with one of his opened presents. They have recently entered a super defiant and curious age and I know I can't blame them, but god I hate them for what they did. I'm sorry, but I do. My husband's parents started lecturing me on how I should have been raising my child to not even think about doing things like that. My parents started arguing with my husband's parents. My children were screaming and crying asking me "Mommy will we not have presents?" and stuff like that. My youngest was just looking at the scene innocently and though they don't know it made me extremely mad.

I just lost it. I walked out of the house with my purse in my pajamas and just drove away. I went to a hotel and just stayed there for a couple of days in shock trying to process my feelings toward my children and just bawling my eyes out. I probably traumatized them. The whole time my husband and family had been blowing up my phone scolding me for just leaving, but if I hadn't left to cool down I don't know what I had done.

I eventually went back home, the children seemed fine. Apparently, my husband had just handed them their opened presents and that took their minds off things. The rest of the family helped create a somewhat Christmas for all the children. I do feel bad for leaving. I feel like my kids are gonna hate me for it when they grow up. My husband still resents me too, he said I failed as a mother and that he never thought I would do something like that to the kids or him.

Maybe I overreacted, I just don't know something triggered inside of me. I don't think it was just because of the presents, this was about my whole motherhood. My family told me that someday I will be able to look back on this and laugh, but I don't think so. I really don't think so. I can't even look at my youngest right now...

 

[Relevant comments by OOP]

I agree family therapy would be the best. My husband is just extremely against all stuff mental illness and family problems. He is very old school. But I will definitely talk about it with him again.

In my culture, it is sadly very common for the mother to be the glue that holds it all together. Maybe if it had not been my party too it had been easier for me, but I don't know. It is not that often that our parents come over, but this year I really just wanted the big glossy family picture for some reason, it all just escalated. It was naive of me to think I could handle it. But I agree that as women we are born in pain and carry the pain throughout out whole life, birth in pain, carry the family on our shoulders in pain too. It is a though job being a woman.

He is very much not an emotional person and I knew that. Our relationship has been very distorted since we had children. I know he loves me as the mother of his children, but sometimes I worry he doesn't love me you know? He does tend to put the children before me always which I have no problem with, it is understandable. But sometimes I feel as if he puts the children first even with small things like playing with them instead of helping me with dinner you know. I don't know maybe I'm just a bit selfish, but I really just wish he would want to spend time with me sometimes. He is also very traditional - The wife takes care of the kids, clean and so on which really developed ever since we got kids. He is a great father though.

 

UPDATE - Jan 11th 2023

First of all, I want to say thank you to those who have commented such nice things and helpful advice. With you guys, I have finally been able to see clearly. For some, it might be stupid that an internet site completely changes one's mind, but I have had no friends, no strangers, and certainly, no family telling me any of the things I have been told in this group about me, my family and the particular situation that occurred Christmas morning. Honestly, it was a wake-up call. Looking back at my life I have started to notice the wrongful way I've been treated more and more by my husband his family and sometimes even mine. It has been almost as if I have just become used to my role as a mother and wife and therefore forgotten myself completely. Forgotten my own needs and desires. And now I finally see just how unhappy I actually am.

I'm not gonna lie, this last week has been hell. I've been reading the comments and bawling my eyes out late into the night on a chair on the porch while everyone was asleep. It was almost kinda katharsis in a way. I suggested going to family therapy to my husband, but he would hear none of it. He wouldn't put the kids in it and claimed the only one who needed therapy was me. It was like talking to a wall and when the argument got really heated he did something that changed my view of him forever. It made me realize that I don't even know this man anymore and that I needed to get the F out even though he apologized profusely.

I went to my parent's house, again, bawling my eyes out, and told them everything that had happened. My mom cried with me and my father had an aura of sadness around him of course as many dads, having that stone-cold and strong face. I knew he was hurting though. I yelled at my parents for the way they had treated me Christmas morning, not defending me and texting me guilt-tripping messages. Also about past similar situations, even about my childhood. They were quite shocked, I never yelled, never reacted this way. And they were actually sorry like genuinely, they apologized.

Then I dropped the next big bomb on them. I want a divorce. I am done, you guys were incredibly right, I would die, go insane, or something even worse in that environment and I see that now. It's like I have a moment of clarity and I had to act now not to fall back into the old ways. They were of course hesitant in the start but soon came to realize that it was for the best for, honestly, everyone. A lot was discussed at their house that is way too long and complicated to talk about here.

So that's what I did. I went and filed for divorce. He of course was incredibly enraged as I was packing my things at the house with my parents. He kept telling me slurs and hurtful things the whole time, but I knew I had to stay strong. Now, a bit of information on the divorce. Firstly, his parents are rather wealthy, he can easily get amazing lawyers and legal advice and so on. I knew going into this that I would probably not get anything out of the divorce. Which was exactly how it went. The house, the cars, and the kids. He wanted it all. But I didn't care. I just want the divorce finalized. If that's his criteria for getting my life back, I'll take it. A long legal battle wouldn't be fair for the kids anyways and I wouldn't even be able to take care of them if I for some reason actually won. I know they will be loved, cared for, and happy with their father and that is the best I can give them right now. I will be able to see them once a month if I see fit though and for me, that's perfect.

I won't describe too much about how saying goodbye to the kids went, of course, it was absolutely heartbreaking in many ways, but it is too late to look back now. We have explained to them together about what's gonna happen, how it is gonna be, and so on.

The divorce is still being finalized so technically I am not completely free, but in spirit, I feel so freaking free. It is as if a weight on my shoulder has been lifted. Of course, I carry the guilt and sadness for my kids deep inside, but I keep telling myself that I did what was best for both them and me. I send them thoughts every day and I plan on writing them a long letter each about my side of the story, I want them to understand that none of this is their fault. I currently live with my parents and I feel a sense of sadness from them too. They will of course miss the big family and the kids, but I think they know they had to put me first this time. Of course, they do not agree with everything, but I never expected them to. Talking about my husband's family on the other hand... My god the guilt-tripping, "We know this isn't you" the messages were endless. I simply had to block them in the end. It was too much. When the divorce is finalized we will let my siblings know as well, I have no idea how they are gonna take it. My husband's siblings had just blocked me which honestly was fine for me. (I found out because I kinda imagined they would do something like that and had to check after blocking his parents).

I know some people may see me as a horrible mother and person, but for once I choose to listen to my heart with a little push from some people online. Thank you to you all once again. I am at this moment looking at hotels in Spain just waiting for the divorce to be finished. I am visiting an old friend over there that I haven't been allowed to visit in years. I had a little saving outside my marriage enough to spend a week or two over there. Luckily my workplace is owned by a friend that was super understanding so they let me have a month off to figure out a place to live and have some time for myself. It is as if I am in a dream and I'm scared of waking up suddenly, I feel like a new woman. Can't wait for the plane ride away from the country, and even if it is just for a while, it will feel as if I am living a truly new life.

I wish you all luck and joy throughout your lives <3 - Lots of love, Alice.

 

[Highly upvoted relevant comments]

I am so happy to see this update from you. I read your initial post when you posted it and my heart felt very heavy. Most people wouldn't have the strength to leave that kind of situation, temporarily (on xmas) or permanently (like you are now). I wish you success and happiness.

Omg OP I’m so freaking proud of you!! I remember reading your original post and being so mad that everyone acted like you were the only one who had done anything wrong. Though I’m sorry this ultimately ended in your whole world blowing up, I’m really happy for you that you’re finally doing things for YOU. I really hope you take some time to yourself to work on yourself and get some therapy and just enjoy being you. Honestly good for you, just GOOD FOR YOU.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23d ago

CONCLUDED My (28F) boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) are going on a week-long vacation. They uninvited me + UPDATE.

24.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/jesustunafish in r/relationship_advice

Some music recommendation to hide TW & spoilers for mobile users - Click Here for an impressive arrangement of Requiem for a Dream Music (originally composed by Clint Mansell) by TIJP using Classical Instruments featuring SIRI.

mood spoilers: OOP does an awesome job standing up for herself

 

ORIGINAL - 11th August 2019

My boyfriend wanted to go on a vacation this summer to his mom's friends' house in Hawaii with me and his two best friends (25M and 29F). We had been planning on this all spring, and at some point, 25M dropped out of the trip, leaving just the three of us.

For context, my boyfriend and I have been going out since November, and it's been serious. We had (and still have) been talking about moving in together and he has said, and I agree, that this is a long-term situation and that we are in it for good.

In early June, once 25M unexpectedly dropped out of the trip, 29F called my boyfriend and told him that now that it was just the three of us, she didn't feel comfortable with me going on the trip, since she didn't know me that well and she didn't want to be a third wheel. She said that if I were to go, she wouldn't go on the trip. Without telling me that this was happening, they changed the plans and made it a trip just the two of them and they changed the location to a beach in Costa Rica.

I was trying to figure out when to ask for time off this summer and hadn't heard news about the plans, so I asked my boyfriend which week in August I should be setting aside for the Hawaii trip. He let me know that, actually, he had talked to his friend and that she didn't want to go if I were going, so he was going to go alone with her to Costa Rica. He said that we could go another week later maybe to Mexico City or something.

I was upset, and tried to talk with him about how the situation made me feel, especially since this wasn't a case of a separate trip being set up ahead of time -- this was a case of me being invited and then uninvited from a week-long tropical vacation with a girl friend of his who I had never met before. We eventually decided to do a trip together to Copenhagen, which we have both wanted to visit, as some sort of compensation. I also asked to meet her, so that I could feel more comfortable with the trip.

We spent the 4th of July going to see her and her boyfriend in the city where they live, and although it was nice to put a face to a name, it was ultimately a very cold trip and she was not at all welcoming to me. My boyfriend remarked on how unfriendly she was -- to both of us, he thought -- and said that he was surprised that she didn't act warmly to me. I went out of my way to try get to know her and her boyfriend (I'm very outgoing and friendly and usually this would be easy), but it didn't really click, even after several days. They were somewhat cold to each other as well -- they bickered a little bit about their future and his own 3 week trip without her that was scheduled for the same time as their trip (this had been scheduled before ours had).

This had been my effort to feel better about the trip, so I told my boyfriend that I still didn't feel comfortable with things, and that I was feeling insulted by the way that it was handled. I had tried to make things smooth between all of us, and I asked him to please come up with something that could help me feel better about the trip.

On a visit to his family, they asked about the trip and they were all shocked that he would have arranged it this way, and let me know that they would have been furious if they were in my position, which triggered a fight in which I asked him to please help come up with a strategy to make me feel better and more secure about them going together without me. He said that he would never do this kind of thing again, which feels like not much to offer, since this is kind of a once in a lifetime trip to begin with. He kind of offered to not go on the trip, but he had already paid for the tickets and made arrangements and I didn't want to stop their trip and be resented by both him and his best friend.

He asked me to give him ideas of how to make me feel better and wanted me to just tell him what to do and stalled and stalled until it was finally the day of the trip. He bought me a bag of peanut butter cups and I drove the two of them to the airport.

I feel so disregarded and disrespected in this situation. I want to break up with him, but I don't want to burn up something that has otherwise been really good.

TL;DR - I (28F) was uninvited from a vacation with my boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) and I can't get over it. I want advice on how to talk with him about this.

 

UPDATE - 20th August 2019

I was really upset the day I dropped him off and he was texting me but I wasn’t responding. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I didn’t want to do anything at all in the state I was in. I waited until the next day, and then I sent him a thought out text letting him know that I didn’t feel safe or loved in the way the trip was handled and that I would be dropping his things off at his place and leaving his keys with the neighbor. He called but didn’t leave any messages and then he messaged me that he didn’t understand.

The rest of the week, he called and messaged me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up or text back. On Thursday, I think that he realized that I was serious, and he asked me some questions about logistical things — I told him which neighbor his key was with, etc.

When he got back and saw all his things at his place, he got pretty frantic and called and left me a long message. I was working all day, but also I still didn’t want to respond. He asked me to explain because he didn’t understand what was going on. The next day, I sent another text making it clear that it was over, and he got upset and sent me a bunch of texts in a row about how he didn’t understand why I was throwing away everything that we built. He left me a voicemail that was really angry that said he had no idea why I was upset and that he did not accept the break-up because he had no say in it and that he wanted me to tell him the evil story that I had made up about him to his face.

I wasn’t going to respond to him and I wanted to remain calm, but this upset me. So I sat down to write him this letter. It’s long, so skip over if you want. I tried to call him but I started crying and told him I’d just send him an email instead. This is what it said.

“The time that we have had apart has given me some good space and time to think. I have had a chance to think about the things that are important for me in a relationship and I see that we should not be together. I am sorry that I have been asking for you to change things about your life that you shouldn’t have to change at my or anyone’s behest.

From the very start, this trip was made in an insanely disrespectful way in which it started out from you being given an ultimatum by your female best friend who I had never met that either she goes or I go on this trip, and you picked her. You didn’t offer to have her meet me (theoretically I was your long-term partner, so this would have made a lot of sense), you didn’t encourage her to find someone else to come, and you didn’t consult me at all. That’s enough for most people to have a deal-breaker, right there. However, I stayed.

This is a person who you have a history with that is not entirely clear to me. Here is what I understand: some bad rumors got started about the two of you in which you spent an entire night out with her on an acid trip while you were dating someone else. Nothing happened. The other thing I understand is that you were interested in her romantically at some, theoretically other, point and that she started dating her boyfriend and that closed the door on things for you. According to what I also understand, it took a long time for 29F’s boyfriend to feel comfortable with you being around, but you apparently worked to ultimately make him feel comfortable with you after I’m not sure how long. This is the completely unknown person who shut me out of a trip that I was originally going to go on (unilateral decision). You did not tell me this was happening until I asked when the trip to Hawaii would be.

You purchase tickets in another very disrespectful situation in which I have cooked dinner and have guests present, and you choose to go into my room for well over an hour to select tickets with her, and in which I repeatedly ask you to please come to dinner because you say it will just be a few more minutes each time. There is absolutely no reason for doing it at that time and in that situation, seeing as how she is in the same time zone as us and has a 9-5 job. This makes me feel sick to my stomach.

So, to make myself feel better about this whole arrangement, I tell you that I want to meet this person. On my request, we arrange a trip to go meet her and her boyfriend — a brief trip in which they are (and you explicitly agree) inexplicably cold. The first conversation that we have is one in which 29F and her boyfriend argue about how she dm’ed him while he was already in a relationship and got him to date her instead. You tell me about conversations that 29F has had with you recently in which it seems implied that there is some real instability in their long-term relationship — stuff about kids and dogs. I have a discussion in which I let you know that I see that and that it worries me.

Meanwhile, I am still wanting all of this to work out for you and for me and for her. I, at this point, am planning on being with you for the long term and see no benefit in telling you to not go on a trip with your best friend. I want it to work out. But each and every interaction surrounding this trip chips and chips and chips away at my ability to handle it: the conversations that seem to go nowhere, etc. Your dad, your mom, and your grandparents are all very surprised when we tell them about this trip. It is becoming very obvious that this is a dangerous trip to make with the fragility of our relationship. 29M, we had only been together for nine months. How long did it take before 29F’s boyfriend was comfortable with you hanging around? Much less going on a one-on-one international tropical vacation in which he was uninvited because of your request?

We go over it with (friend) at the rock climbing gym, we go over it in the car, we go over it while we're booking our AirBnb for Copenhagen, we go over it when I tell you that I still feel uncomfortable and I do not feel good about the trip. Talk about repeatedly saying something! Although I ask for you to help me, you actually ask me instead to come up with what would make me feel better. Surprisingly, I have no ideas either.

Ultimately, it appears that the original plan to meet at my place and hang out and do a game night before you two go on the trip has been canceled, and 29F will be staying at my place, but not hanging out with us at all beforehand. You attribute it to you not bringing it up with her early enough. This is apparently not something that was discussed even two nights before the trip. This upsets me. You do not know what to do. I don’t blame you — at this point, it was well out of hand. I don't know what to do either. There is no good solution that I can think of besides waiting for the trip to be over. I tell you that either I have to get over it, or I have to break up with you, and that I don’t want to break up with you. But my ability to get over it is rather rather rather worn down.

She arrives at my place very late, and we wake up the next morning for me to take the two of you to the airport. After all of this lead-up, I know that you can tell how unhappy I am. I fully absolutely know you can tell how unhappy I am. You leave, and when I don’t respond to your text messages, you text me to tell me that you hope I’m okay and you’re going to bed. No call.

The rest of the week was rough. My text to you was met with, essentially, “I’m sorry you feel this way.” You tell me that I’m being unfair.

There is no acknowledgment (and there still has been none) that this trip to a fucking honeymoon destination, as we have discussed before, could be a crazy and horrible thing to go through with, even with my quasi-blessing. This is not something that people in relationships have to deal with. This is not something that people in relationships do, besides 29F, I guess.

In the end, all of this is to say that I have felt serious emotional needs go seriously unmet in a way that is a deal-breaker for me.

There have been some wonderful, very positive times, but there has been an unnecessary amount of heartache and suffering for me over things that come down to what I can only assume are personal differences.

I cannot handle your relationship with 29F. And I suppose I could ask you to pick between her and me, but that’s not what I want to do. I want you to have your best friend, and I want to leave. I did love you, but I am not about to fight this fight and hear you tell me that I’m crazy for not seeing how totally platonic everything is for the rest of my life.

It seems like trying to convince someone to like different food, or to have a different favorite color. I am not happy in this, and I do not want to feel these feelings any longer.

There is no need for this to be mutual. I do not need your permission to break up with you.”

He wrote me back an apologetic email in which he accepted responsibility for most things without any argument, except he denied anything that had to do with his relationship with her making me feel uncomfortable and he denied that I would not be able to handle their relationship.

He said that the only thing that made their trip bad for me was my own perspective.

I wrote him back that trust has to be built and that he put too much strain too early on a relationship in which we had not developed that trust.

He agreed and apologized. For me, it ended on a pretty amicable note, but this style of relationship really doesn’t work for me and I don’t feel like his responses to me really healed or changed anything significantly. I stand by my decision at this point.

TLDR: We broke up.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 23d ago

CONCLUDED Man's Pregnant Wife Wets Herself & He Refuses To Help Her Clean It Up (AITA Dec 18, '22)

12.1k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/shespissed in r/AmItheAsshole on Dec 17, '22, updated Dec 18th.

Original post

AITA for requesting that my wife cleans up after herself?

I (28m) married my wife (23f), who we’ll call ‘Dani’, about a year ago and we were very lucky to get pregnant soon after. Dani is in her third trimester now and on pregnancy leave.

Once we got the good news, I started working extra hours in order to save more money for when the baby gets here. This means that I have to get up extra early every morning to get to work (I try to be out the door by 6AM). I get home a little later and I’m usually pretty beat, but I still contribute to the house by doing dishes, cleaning up after the cat (coz she can’t), that kind of stuff. This new routine has been hard on both of us, but we’ve made it work and so far everything has been fine. That is, until the other day, when I wake up to Dani crying.

We only have one bathroom, which is downstairs, and lately Dani has been having a little more trouble going up and down the stairs. This usually went fine, but this time she didn’t make it. So, when I came downstairs, I found her, in tears, standing in her own mess. She was clearly very embarrassed and even more so that I ‘caught’ her. I immediately felt bad for her, and tried to comfort her and told her it’s all good, it can happen to anyone, just clean it up and we’ll go back to bed. She asked me if I could help her, but I told her that that made me uncomfortable. I would never expect anyone to clean up after my mess.

Tbh, it has happened before when I had a couple too many beers, but I always clean up after myself and it would feel weird to ask Dani to do it for me in that situation. She got really mad and called me insensitive for making her clean up after herself after an already embarrassing enough situation.I proposed a compromise - she would clean up the mess, and I would get her clean pj’s (since I’d just done laundry anyway). She asked me if this is what it was going to be like if the baby made a mess, and I told her I would be perfectly okay to clean up after the baby, since it can’t clean up after itself. I then told her I didn’t have time to stand there arguing with her all night when I had to get up in like three hours to go to work and provide for us. So, I walked upstairs, grabbed her pj’s for her and went back to bed.

The next morning, when I got downstairs, I found her on the couch. She told me that she barely slept and felt horrible about the night before. She called me an asshole and said that by not helping her, I only embarrassed her more. She then told me she would be staying with her mom until I got my shit together. It’s been half a day now, and she’s not responding to my texts. I talked about it with a few coworkers and I’m getting mixed responses, but I just want to make sure… AITA?

Edit 1: So after about 5 hours, most of y'all seem to agree that IATA. Dani's coming home tonight to pick up some stuff, so I hope we'll have a moment to talk it out then. I'll take you guys' verdict into account going into the conversation. I did see some people who would see my side of the story, so I do hope she'll take that into account too. Will update soon!

Edit 2: Keeping it brief bc of word limit, will post full update after judgment. Long story short: Dani and her mom came to pick up her things last night. Dani and I talked, she told me her side, I told her my side. In the end, we both ended up apologising and agreed we were gonna work on it. She's gonna be staying with her mom until we find a comfortable way for Dani to sleep downstairs at my place.

Comments:

You say you'd be fine cleaning up after a baby because they are not physically capable. what if your child had an accident at the age of, say, seven? would you make them clean up after themselves or?

OP: Fair question. I honestly can't say for sure. Maybe I'd see it as a good teaching moment.

Teach what? Humiliation?

OP: No, I meant like the gentle parenting thing where you teach kids the logical consequence for their actions: you make a mess (intentional or not, doesn't matter), so you clean it up

Why would you choose a username to mock her and the situation?

OP: Didn't mean to mock her. Just popped into my head when I was making the throwaway - it just stuck.

What do you mean "at my place"? Are you not married?

OP: She moved in with me two years into the relationship, during the pandemic. Property's in my name, so force of habit, I guess.

OP: The doctor said she shouldn't exert herself too much, but she's not bed rest, no.

OP: I've seen her crouch to pick up stuff, and the doctor's never explicitly said she can't. But, I've talked to her last night, and she's made it clear that it's very painful for her, which was the first time I heard about it

Judgment: Asshole

Update

So I wanted to post this before going to work, while it’s still fresh in my memory.

Basically not much had happened since I posted the original thread, until Dani came home later that night. Her mom was with her, but she only helped her load up stuff and didn’t look at me or address me once.

While her mom was packing Dani’s things, Dani sat down in the living room and I joined her. I told her we needed to talk about what happened and she reluctantly agreed.

She explained to me that for her to get down and up on her knees to clean the floor was painful and that it was borderline cruel to expect that of her.

I told her that if she was having so much trouble moving, that she should’ve told me sooner, so we could have worked on a solution together. And if she had explained it to me calmly yesterday, then I would’ve reacted differently.

She thought it was too much to ask of her to spell everything out, and that I need to be more present, both during the pregnancy and after.

I told her that was difficult for me to hear, as I feel that I already contribute significantly and don’t wanna feel like she doesn’t see that.

She expressed that she does appreciate me putting in extra time at work, but that she also needs emotional support, especially in situations like last night’s.

I agreed with her to an extent, but I did try to make sure she understood why I found the situation uncomfortable in the moment, which, after some explaining, she did.

I briefly considered telling her that I talked about it at work and showing her the thread, but I’ll take reddit’s advice to heart and keep that to myself. I won’t delete the posts - she’s not on reddit anyway.

So we concluded on the following things:

Dani will be staying with her mom (she does have a bathroom on every floor) until we’ve figured out a way for her to sleep downstairs comfortably (i.e. not on the couch or an air mattress).

I’ve apologized sincerely for making her discomfort worse, and she in turn apologized for blowing up at me the way she did, and we mutually agreed we were gonna work on it.

For those of you wishing that Dani leaves me: I love my wife very much, in the five years we’ve been together we’ve never had anything like this, and I’m determined to make us work again - and so is she.

So, all in all, I think things will turn out alright. Thanks for your insights, reddit, and for making me see that I acted a little out of line.

I have a hard time believing this was their first problem like this and I believe they will definitely have some work to do on their marriage. But they seem to be happy with this resolution of having her sleep downstairs so I am flairing it concluded

This is a reminder that this is not my original post. The original OP was u/shespissed. Also remember, It is against BoRU rules to comment on the original post or message the original poster. Doing so will result in a ban

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11d ago

CONCLUDED OOP used to bully his disabled older brother

12.1k Upvotes

I am NOT the OOP. This was posted by u/Krineze about 4 years ago on r/confession. Side-note: OOP's account has since been suspended.

TW: Bullying, caretaker abuse, and Ableism

Mood Spoiler: Happy

Original (November 29, 2018):

[Remorse]

I know this will get a lot of hate and yes I deserve it. I am not looking for any validation or forgiveness. I know I am a piece of human trash.

I just need to get this out.

I have a brother who is two years older then me. He has suffered from a condition since birth that forces him to be in a wheelchair anytime he is out of bed. He cannot use his arms that well either.

We used to have a great relationship until I turned 11 and I really started resenting the amount of attention he took from my parents. And how much stress he put them under.

I had to constantly help him, change him, feed him. I hated it.

There was a few years in his life when he so mean to my parents and it really made me resent him more.

I realize now that I had no right to judge him and I will never know how difficult life is for him.

I stopped hanging out with him and made more friends at school. I would tell my family all the fun I was having at school during dinner to make him feel bad.

I started barely talking to him or acknowledge his presence. He would get frustrated to the point of tears to get my attention.

It started escalating two years ago when I would purposely turn off the wifi and unplug the tv every time we had to leave the house so my brother could do nothing but sit in his wheelchair.

I would purposely delete his favorite saved shows on the DVR. I would make fun of his speech. Push things just out of his reach.

I would act disgusted when I had to change or bathe him. It always made him feel bad and he would apologize. I made my own brother apologize for taking a dump. What the fuck is wrong with me?

But my fucking saint of a brother never told my parents. And he never let me have it.

Three weeks ago, he was trying to talk to me non-stop and I was just ignoring him. I got annoyed and wheeled him against his wishes to the backyard and placed him under an umbrella and went back inside. I fell asleep and realized I left him out there for three hours.

When I went to bring him back inside he was in tears and wouldn't look at me. He was humiliated. 

I have always felt guilty about how I treated my brother all these years but my anger towards him overpowered it. But seeing that look on his face affected me in a way that was different from before.

I stopped all the bullying after that day. I couldn't even look him in the face I was so ashamed.

Last Sunday my brother told me he was glad I was his brother and friend. I couldn't even respond. I went to my room and cried.

I'm fucking crying again typing this all out. When did I become an evil trash human being? Fuck.

I'm 17 and he's 19 now. I know there is nothing I can do to make up for the past 6 years.

My brother will be returning with my mom from a specialist appointment tonight. I'm going to apologize to him and beg for his forgiveness tonight. I want to start being being a fucking decent brother to him again.

I am a healthy guy with no issues who chose to bully his only brother for something that wasn't even his fault. I am so ashamed of myself.

UPDATE on the same post:

A lot of people were asking for an update so here it is.

I wrote up a long ass apology letter that I wanted to read to my brother. I waited until he got home and got into bed for the night.

I knocked on his door and he was so fucking excited that it was me. I couldn't even get through the first few words. I started crying after saying "I wanted to say I'm really sorry" and just couldn't get through it.

I just got into bed with him and laid down next to him. He hugged me really tight and said "I missed you buddy".

I fucking lost it. I never cried that bad before. He just hugged me for a long time until I calmed down. We didn't talk much. He started crying for a bit too. It was the first time in a long time we just hugged. After half an hour I got up and gave him a kiss and he told me he was so happy. Why didn't I do this earlier, fuck.

I thought I could I try apologizing properly again tomorrow. I left him the note to read anyway.

I am feeling very hopeful right now and a lot of pressure in my heart is gone. I swear to God and on my own life I will never treat my brother so badly again.

I have been working part-time for the past year and I was saving some money so my brother and my mom could go on a trip to a place he really wanted to go to. But I think I will take my brother myself instead (when I turn 18).

I also realized that I need to have a relationship with my brother where I am not just taking care of him. It needs to be like a normal brother relationship. Like going for movies and stuff. It's going to take some time for me to fix the mess I created though. I'm just lucky my brother is amazing.

I received a lot of messages. I appreciate everyone for their input and I did read them all even if I didn't reply. Thanks everyone.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 11d ago

CONCLUDED My ex divorced me and now wants to be together again after 4 years + Daughter's post.

7.2k Upvotes

I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/divorcedthrowawayacc and her daughter u/AetherDekuna on r/trueoffmychest.

Trigger Warning - false accusation, gaslighting, manipulation, parental alienation

Original (9 Jan 23)

My ex divorced me and now wants to be together again after 4 years

Throwaway since I don't want to be linked back to my main account. I'm 46f, and my ex-husband is 45. We were college sweethearts and married at 26. Right before we got married, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter who's now 21 years old. I loved both of them dearly, and we've been a happy family for about 16 years before everything went down. Our only problem was my ex's mother. She always had a strong dislike for me. She never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. We had many fights, and my ex cut contact with her after the wedding when she tried wearing white to it. We had many encounters with her years after that. Sending us gifts for my daughter and purposely trying to get us to contact her again to seeing her outside our house.

4 years ago, I got home from work to see my ex and his mom together on the couch. My ex was on the verge of tears, yelling and calling me a cheater. I tried to explain I didn't, but his mother supposedly had proof. Saying she saw me with another man out in a restaurant together. I'm very faithful and loyal, but he refused to hear me out. We got into a big argument before he packed up and left to stay with his mother. When my daughter got home from a friend's house, she too started to blame me when she found out from her dad. She went to live with her dad while he sent out divorce papers. It took about a year before it was finalized. He got custody of her, and I was granted visitation rights, but she never wanted to see me.

It took a long time to move on. I seeked therapy and fell into a huge depression. I knew my ex's mother made it up to tears us apart. I can't believe he listened to her so carelessly. I don't blame my daughter, but it still hurts. I moved out of the house to allow my ex and my daughter to live there. I ended up moving to a small apartment. It's been 4 years, and I started to finally be happy again. I made new friends. We had so much fun and I got a promotion at work. I still missed my family. My daughter, but I couldn't do anything about it.

My two days ago, my daughter called me. It's been 4 years since I've last seen or heard from her. She said that my ex's mother admitted to lying. She said that my ex got a new girlfriend and his mother was furious, claiming he shouldn't have one after all the trouble she did to get rid of me. They got into a heated fight before he kicked his mom out. I nearly wanted to cry. I thought she would never admit it, and now I'm hearing my daughter. She asked to meet up and apologized so many times. I told her we could meet tomorrow.

Yesterday, I met her at a restaurant, but she brought along my ex. Something she never mentioned, nor have I agreed upon. He was apologizing, saying how much he missed me and that he dumped his girlfriend. He wanted us to be together again. I excused myself and left them there. I got back home to lots of phone calls from my daughter and text messages from her. She wanted us to talk, and she called me an asshole for leaving. I told her I wasn't comfortable and that she needed to understand. I had to mute my phone and put it down for a bit.

I haven't responded yet, and I'm not sure what to do. I love her, but I can't talk to her with him there. Not yet anyways. It feels so fast. I wanted to do it one on one. I'm deeply hurt and crying as I'm typing this. I don't know what to do.

Edit: I did not expect this post to start blowing up. I appreciate the love and support. However, I didn't make it clear about my daughter's custody. Her opinion mattered in court since she was 17 during the divorce. Although the divorce was about me allegedly cheating, my ex and I agreed to keep that apart from the actual divorcing process. Split what we needed to split and let our daughter choose who she wants to be with. She wanted to live with her dad, and I agreed. She was strongly adamant about not seeing me, so I allowed my ex to have full custody, leaving me with visitations. Not only that, I needed to find an apartment. I had to move out of the house. I was living off couch to couch in my relatives' homes. I didn't have space for her, and my ex mentioned it in court. It was the main reason why she was granted to stay with her father. I was under stress, and I was not mentally well. I signed off my rights. I looked like a mess in court, too. There was also a lot more going on during the time.

Update (12 Jan 23)

Update: My ex divorced me and wants to be together again after 4 years.

Hi. Within the past two days, a lot of stuff came out, and I'm beat. First of all, thank you for the support and advice. There were so many, but I decided to follow the ones I thought fit best for me and my daughter.

In the last post, I mentioned in the comments about an update. Two days ago, I texted my daughter to set some boundaries after the ambush attack at the restaurant. As we were talking, she mentioned new information about my ex and why he chose his mother's side over me. Earlier that morning, his mother confessed that she had paid an ex-friend of ours to lie directly in my ex-husband's face, claiming to be my affair partner. Mind you, I never had cheated in the first place. My ex took that as solid evidence and divorced me because of it. His mother is a master manipulater and had him around her finger throughout his childhood, so I'm not surprised why he'd take her side. He didn't know that the confession was fake until a few days ago. I wasn't even aware of the entire thing for 4 years. No one had brought it up to me. My daughter gave me the silent treatment, my ex's mother obviously wouldn't tell a thing to me, and probably told my ex-husband to keep quiet and to only focus on the divorce. I'm still really saddened, but everything makes sense. I was so mad at him for leaving me over her word, but it was much more than that.

Besides that, I decided to give my daughter another chance. She will not know where I live or any personal information to indicate where I am. I'm keeping low contact on her. I don't want her spreading it to her father or other people. I'll only show up during important events. Graduation, weddings, etc.I know my ex-husband will also attend. If that's the case, then so be it. I requested my daughter to put her father on the phone. He, of course, apologized so many times and hoped we could have another chance as well. He said he'd do anything to make it up and that he loves me. I said no. I explained that I was keeping him no contact and that I was heartbroken when he didn't communicate to me about the cheating allegations and only assumed. That I was practically homeless for a short time and needed to see a therapist to help move on. That I wanted to be left alone and currently not interested in another relationships. Then, I gave him a new email in case of emergencies directly involving our daughter. Anything else I will discard. That was the only time I spoke to him in the past two days.

I've been talking to my daughter, setting boundaries and whatnot. She gave small updates about what was going on with her side. They went no contact with my ex's mother, so that's good. I told her never to contact that woman again. She also apologized about her behavior at the restaurant, and that it won't happen again. I understand that emotions were running high and everyone was tensed. I forgave her. I still really love her. Mistakes can happen.

Now, a lot of you said to sue my ex's mother. I spoke to my therapist about it earlier today. She said it wasn't wise to do so. It'll put more emotional distress on me and that I might have to see her again and may relapse into a depressive state. I really don't want that. I don't want anything to do with that woman again. All I want to do is focus on myself and on my daughter. I want to rebuild our relationship, and it will be ruined if I do something drastic as in suing my ex's mother. I won't be pressing charges unless something else happens to the point where police are involved. That would be different. Other than that, I'm taking a break. My daughter can text me anytime she wants, but I did say that I may not always reply since I want to remain low contact as of now.

Thank you so much for the support and love. I can't express how grateful I am. I'm sorry I haven't replied to any of the comments. There was so much, and it was very overwhelming. This may be my last ever post on this account unless something happens in the near future. You guys are amazing. Thank you.

Daughter's post (12 Jan 23)

my mom posted about her divorce with dad because of her mom. I'm their daughter.

Edit: For the love of God, this is not my account. It doesn't even belong to me. I'm not using my actual one for obvious reasons.

My mom recently made two posts about our family under the title "My ex divorced me and now he wants to be together again after 4 years." I'm their 21 year old daughter, and I'm going to explain my side of things. Yes, I have been given premission from my mom to post this. There were a lot of things she neglected to say on her part. This is how I interpreted what happened on my side since ya'll are quick to blame :/

5 years ago when i was 16, my dad called me. He said he was at his mom's house and that I needed to pack my things so he could pick me up. He told me that my mom had cheated on him and now he was going to divorce her, so I did exactly as I was told. I was really mad at mom for doing such a thing. I thought they were inseparable. I was surprised. I thought they loved each other and when mom was accused of cheating, I resented her. I yelled at her. I called her really hurtful things that I regret saying. I left to stay with dad. The entire time I refused to talk to mom during the divorce. I really hated her. I truly did. During the time, I was with dad and my grandma. I met her a couple times and my mom openly hated on her. I didn't know why. She seemed sweet and supportive, helping my dad get through. She bought me presents and let me live under her roof. She was a stereotypical loving grandma. Mom ended up moving out so we can have the place back. In court, I favored my dad's side and it was approved. I refused to contact my mom. It was like she didnt even try to fight to be with me. I was still really angry at her. Dad was crying on some days. He was really stressed and saddened. She did too, but I thought it was the guilt of being caught and now having nowhere to go and being divorced as a consequence. There was a few times where I wanted to call her. Shout at her. Hate her. I didn't.

For the next 4 years, it was me, dad, and grandma who occasionally visited. She showered me with gifts, always expressing how she finally got to meet her grandbaby. She spoiled me. Dad was still sad for like 3ish years before meeting another women and they started dating. That's when everything turned upside down. Him and grandma would start getting into fights about the new girlfriend. She would threaten to harm himself and call him a pathetic excuse as a son. She knocked stuff over and constantly broke things when she didn't get what she wanted. She even threatened to hurt me sometimes and steal things away from me. Dad hardly ever brought his girlfriend over because of her. Grandma kept visiting almost daily. She was super obsessed over dad and the new girl. Now repeat that for 5 months straight until she snapped. Another fight then she confessed. I was in the other room when she screamed about how she did everything to get mom away from him so she could have him all too herself and now the new girlfriend is stealing him away. That's when I decided to call mom to tell her what happened. I was scared. The next day we agreed to meet a restaurant. I told dad about it afterwards and he insisted on coming with me. I wasn't sure at first but he convinced me to let him come. He was desperate and even broke up with his girlfriend over the phone. So I brought him with. I didn't tell mom and when she came and saw us, she was uncomfortable and left after dad was practically begging on his knees. I ended up calling her an asshole. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I blurted out something I didn't mean. I get why she left. There was no excuse for my behavior. I started spam calling her and texting her constantly, trying to get a response from her. Some messages weren't nice. I was not thinking properly. Dad was balling and started saying some depressing thoughts about how he hated himself and that he wished he was dead. I panicked like what am I supposed to do. The next morning grandma came to the house while mom was sending me long ass paragraphs about wanting to have a relationship again, but needing boundaries. The two were arguing downstairs until grandma admitted to fabricating the affair confession. She paid someone $500 to tell dad his wife was cheating on her with him. So obviously, I texted mom about it while dad kicked her out, screaming that he never wanted to see her again and that it was all her fault.

For the next day in a half or so, mom and I communicated with each other. I apologized to her about my recent behavior. It was super uncalled for and i do really regret ssying those things. At one point I gave my phone to dad so the two can talk privately with each other. Mom wants to keep low contact, which I agreed to. Dad was upset that she wouldn't take him back. I learned mom is seeing a therapist and went to see her earlier today. I haven't seen grandma after dad kicked her out. He has been saying she's been trying to call and text him like every hour. Yes, I'm still living with dad. I'm in community College. It's only a half hour away so I stay home.

I came across mom's reddit post on tiktok like 3 times. There are some comments about me that I'm really upset about. Do ya'll not understand abuse victims like jfc. I had to put up with my dad's constant depressing behavior and my grandma's gaslighting, love bombing tatic. I'm happy to be in contact with my mom. I never contacted her before was because my grandma said negatives about her. I thought mom was the controlling one. She wasn't. At all. I regret my choices and I'm willing to fix them and she is willing to give me a chance. You don't know our family. Stop acting like you do.

Reminder - I'm not the OOP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

CONCLUDED AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne

10.8k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/bubbztea in r/AmItheButtface

trigger warnings: body shame

mood spoilers: satisfying


 

*AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne at the gym? Serious * - January 10, 2023

I'm a 21F. Every Tuesday, I have a really busy schedule. My first class goes from 9am-11am, my second class goes from 3pm-5pm and my only tutorial for the day goes from 7-8pm, so I have a lot of free time in between lectures. I'll often go to the campus gym and do a full body workout.

I do my workout (weights, the machines, etc.) and I decided to go walk the track that's upstairs in the building.

I should point out here that I have bad back acne. It's kind of gross looking, but it usually doesn't stop me from not wearing my jacket unless I get cold and wearing my sports bra in the gym.

I was doing the track when this older, early 50s woman passed by me and shot me this dirty look. I figured she had a good look at my back and I just shrugged it off. I got defensive and shot back a look that said "I know I have back acne."

After a bit, we ended up meeting up at the same spot where she first stared at me and she said something along the lines of: "Honey, you should cover that up."

Despitely immediately knowing what she was talking about, I asked her what she wanted me to cover up exactly.

"Your back zits."

I firstly went into a rant at her about how acne technically should be aired out instead out in a sweaty area, if I put my sweater on, it'll make me more zits. I then ripped into her about why the fuck she was judging me on keeping my sweater off and that my acne was none of her business. I said it pretty audibly and some runners started looking at us.

She scoffed and said that millennials (I'm not even a millennial???) are so sensitive these days and that she was just trying to help me.

AITB? I feel like maybe I went off on her too much.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I said something along the lines of;

"First of all, acne shouldn't be trapped in a sweaty area, it'll just produce more of it. Secondly, why are you telling me how to dress at the gym? My acne is none of your business and isn't bothering you."  

AITB for telling a woman to mind her own business after she asked me to cover up my back acne UPDATE!!!! - January 18, 2023

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT, I HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL UPDATES FOR YOU!!!!

I came into the gym this morning and as I was walking into the change room, this little Indian lady looked up probably to acknowledge the person coming in, looked me up and down and said "Come here, sweetheart, come here!", wagging her finger at me.

I walked over to her and she told me that she saw the whole thing yesterday and was PISSED. She firstly went into a rant about how body acne is nothing to be ashamed of and how I should continue to work out with it out in the open because it didn't bother her. I'll admit, I felt really awkward, but I thanked her. She then turned around and showed me HER back.

She had tons of zits on her back and said that she would cover them up, but she never cared too much about people's opinions of them.

But that wasn't all!

Apparently yesterday she was in the change room and saw the Karen come in. She asked the woman to come here RIGHT NOW and yelled at her at the top of her lungs in front of the whole change room about how dare she bodyshame someone like that and how would she feel if she went off on her.

Apparently she made the Karen cry too.

She mentioned that she didn't report her to the front desk at all. She said "They wouldn't have punished her at all. They come across hundreds of people. What would they do about one woman they'd probably never see? I had to punish her."

EDIT: I'm going to elaborate what happened with the Karen. Basically after I left, the Indian lady went to the changeroom and the Karen came in. The Indian lady, full of rage, wagged her finger like she did with me and told her to COME HERE RIGHT NOW. The Karen looked at her funny and then walked over to her. The Indian lady tore into her about how dare you disrespect a young lady like that. At first, the Karen refused to admit she did anything. She kept saying she had no idea what the lady was talking about, but the Indian lady called bullshit and told her that she mocked a girl's body. The lady got loud and she got nasty. The Karen didn't know what to say! She was exposed! And get this! The whole changeroom fucking JOINED IN! Old women and young college girls were losing their god damn mind on this bitch and she started crying due to the embarassment!  

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 19d ago Bravo Grande!

CONCLUDED OP's father wants to have a relationship with her again. She responds with a detailed PowerPoint presentation explaining exactly why he will never be forgiven.

16.2k Upvotes

I am NOT the OP, this is a repost.

TW: Child abandonment and neglect, death, mentions of suicide attempt.

NOTE: Please remember the no brigading rule and do not engage with the original posts by OP.

Original post on r/AmItheAsshole (Dec 9th 2022)

AITA for responding to my father’s request for a relationship with a detailed PowerPoint on why he will never be forgiven?

If I’m the AH here, I’ll own it. I’m not sorry, but like it would be good to know because the rest of my family thinks this went too far.

My (24F) mom died when I was 7 from leukemia. I have very few memories of her from before she was sick and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her in her last year but she was an artist and until she couldn’t anymore she would make me little collages when she was in the hospital with drawings and photos and messages for me. My grandmother put them all in a book for me after she died. I wanted to be like my mom and my counselor thought it would help, so I started a journal where I would do kind of a similar thing and I’ve done at least one page a week all these years ever since my mom died, more when I miss her or have something hard going on. So, I have kind of a unique record of my mental state over the last 16 years.

My father remarried when I was 9. My step-mother really leaned hard into the “I’m your mom now” and my father didn’t stop her. It improved when they had my half-brother because she basically forgot about me then. Unfortunately he got cancer when he was 3. And I pretty much ceased to exist for my father, he was either working or gone with my brother and I spent all my teen years mostly at home alone or with my grandparents. The mantra was that my brother needed to be the focus because he might die so I needed to not be selfish since I was healthy. I stopped trying to talk to him when I was 16 and it was a dark time. I moved out when I was 18 and cut them off completely.

My grandparents let me know that my brother died a couple of years ago but respected my desire to remain NC with my father. He recently reached out to them because he wants to see me and talk. I went through my old journals and made him a PowerPoint with images of the entries where I had talked about being frustrated and feeling abandoned and unwanted, some with literal quotes of things my dad had said to me during arguments. Even the really dark stuff from when I was seriously depressed. Then I ended it with a photo of one of my mom’s collages where she had written “Remember that your dad and I are always here for you” and I wrote “You failed. Go away.” underneath. I felt like him being able to see it from my literal perspective would communicate why I don’t want him back better than I could.

Evidently it worked, but a little too well because I’ve been bombarded by family telling me that it’s understandable that I don’t want to see him, but what I sent gutted him and he’s completely fallen apart after reading through it and it was unnecessarily cruel.

Maybe it was, I know my bar for that is kind of weird sometimes, so AITA?

Edit - A couple of follow up notes, since it came up the comments:

  1. I loved my brother. I don’t resent him. He was a good kid and I wish he was still with us. None of this is his fault, to me it is completely my father’s and to a lesser extent step-mother’s. The parents prevented me from spending time with him as he got sicker so I wouldn’t have been allowed to be there for him even if I had been able to (which I wasn’t towards the end because I was also struggling to stay alive).
  2. I have empathy. I understand what my father lost, I was there. I also lost those same people plus effectively my father. Even so, to me there is no excuse for completely shutting your own kid completely out of your life while also preventing them from getting any kind of help. I understand depression and freezing up, I’ve been there, and I still even not being an adult managed to consider the impact of my behavior on other people. If he was that bad off, he should have given me up to be raised by someone else. My mom’s parents asked and he wouldn’t agree to let me stay with them full time. I could have had a dad that was able to occasionally tell me he loved me even if it was just a text message. Alternatively, I could have lived with my grandparents and had people around me who cared about me every day even if that wasn’t my father. I got neither and every request for help of any kind was met with “suck it up”. I can empathize with having to function while breaking down inside, but I can’t empathize with what he did.
  3. I gather from relatives (who have backed off after some hard boundary setting) that my father and step-mother split not long ago and are in divorce proceedings, which is why he reached out now and why the rest of the family was upset with how I responded at the time - he wasn’t in a good place already. I’ve told them that if they care about him to encourage him to keep away from me, refuse to pass on any messages, and try to get him into inpatient care or something if they’re that worried he’s going to do something rash. I don’t want anything to do with him and I’ve told them that I don’t want to hear about anything that happens after this point, but the rest of his family love him so for their sake I hope he pulls himself together.

Comments:

NTA, i have a saying "If the truth about your conduct paints you in a bad light, the problem isn't with the truth. Its with your conduct." If the truth hurts your dad its his own to deal with and not on you.

Edit: Thank you all for the many awards! I wasn't expecting it to blow up the way it did ❤️ For those loving the saying and planing on using it happy to help! Its been a very handy saying and its helped me lots, hope it helps you all too. [link]

NTA in the slightest. You told your dad how you felt and it made him have to confront his failures as a parent. It is not your fault he neglected you. He is upset because he knows what you put in the PowerPoint is the reality of how he treated you when you were just a child. Now that the truth is out and you have reestablished NC, I hope you are able to let go of some of the anger you have at him and know that you did nothing to cause how he treated you. I’m no contact with my dad and have been able to find a lot of peace in the life I have built without him. I hope for the same for you. [link]

Holy shit. NTA but that was brutal. I pictured the "You Failed" popping up at the end like when you die in Dark Souls. [link]

Is your damage so great there is no room for forgiveness?

When my kids were little, the <1yo went into kidney failure (due, I'm certain, to miscare from a doctor, GP giving his mother a dangerous antibiotic). So his 4yo brother was dumped on mostly friends (no relatives close by) and we were juggling time, as my ex spent most of her time with the sick child and I was at work. He got through it, but I still feel sick with guilt at how we just foisted his brother off. We only had so many resources, physically, temporally and emotionally. Things are mostly OK, but every now and then he slips a crack in; he doesn't blame his brother, though they don't speak much now (religion). And I don't know how to heal those wounds. We did the best we could at the time, but there was only so much of us to go around when he was in a hospital some distance away. We did our best. There's a lot more to my story but I'll leave it there.

OP, you have a chance to get back the parent you lost. Some people would give anything for that, don't leave it until it's too late. Even if it's just to confirm what you already feel, if you don't do it, you'll lie awake wondering after he's gone. And regret hurts like hell.

There is no manual for parenthood, not really, because every family's different.

You're Not The Asshole. And he is Not The Asshole. It's life. It's hard, sometimes sadly when you are young and just wanted him to wrap his arms around you and tell you it would be OK. Really hard. Give him a shot. If he ruins it, you have a clear conscience. Or you might have a chance at a future you never imagined.

Let the downvotes commence! [link]

OOP's response:

In a word, yes. No apology no matter how sincere will change the past or undo the damage done. There is nothing he can ever do that will fix anything Hell, I have medication and therapy and I still sometimes have to make a conscious choice to stay alive, what could he possibly even do that wouldn’t be laughably inadequate? Any time spent on him would be a one sided gift to him only. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t care if he’s sorry. I don’t think about him unless he’s brought to my attention by someone else. I have nothing to say to him anymore. My life got better when I decided that he could already be dead and gone to me so I see no point in exhuming him. I think people who would kill to have a parent back likely had something good in that relationship to hold onto or something positive to receive from it even if it was fraught. I don’t, chances are excellent he’ll just find a way to make things worse. He always seems to.

As someone on the other side, those little quips from your kid are likely just the tip of an iceberg that goes way deeper than you will ever know and will always be there. Some people can forgive abandonment, but nobody ever forgets what it’s like to be powerless and terrified and have it solidly proven to you that you are an expendable loss to the people who control your whole world. You were in a no win situation, I do get it and at least you seemed to have handled it a bit better than my father since your kid wasn’t alone most of the time, so possibly your consequences aren’t as severe because the situation wasn’t as severe. But you still gambled with a vulnerable person’s mental health and nothing you do will remove the knowledge of that choice from your son, so if guilt and the occasional catty comment are your consequences, I think you got the better end of that deal to be honest.

I wouldn’t say YTA here but really, what’s the purpose of it? He fucked up, he was going through a lot, two people he cared for deeply getting cancer and dying is a lot to handle, not everyone can. Now he’s lost his only other child. You really want to carry that bitterness with you your whole life? Reddit can be very dismissive of people, but really, why not repair a family bond? [link]

OOP's response:

The purpose of it is that I never want to hear from him again. Now if he had any questions, he knows exactly why I don’t want him my life and it has been reaffirmed to him that he needs to stay away. I don’t want a bond with him. He will never be able to fix the situation, I have exactly zero positive feelings about him, and he has nothing I want or need anymore. He’s effectively already dead as far as I’m concerned and I don’t do necromancy.

This might be ESH. It all depends on how insistent your dad was. There's a politeness level to consider.

Doing a 4+ page repeat of "you were not there for me" is probably a punch in the face to someone who was attempting to reconnect. If he wasn't getting the message, he might have needed that. If it was just one request, the last slide alone was clear and still hard hitting, and the whole presentation I would call "excessive force".

Regardless, he was an AH for neglecting you, and your feeling are justified. [link]

OOP's response:

Everyone in his family knows I’m NC and dead serious about it. My mom’s side grandparents only passed along the info because they suspected he might try to contact me some other way and didn’t want me to be blindsided. Even attempting to reach out is an affront that shows he still has no concept or respect for my feelings. If this keeps him from ever trying to breach NC again, that is the desired result. I’m perfectly capable of reaching out if I ever change my mind, there’s absolutely no need for him to do anything but stay away.

I see neglect perhaps even preoccupation on other things but I don’t know if you ever expressed how you felt before NC? Seems unnecessary with the NC not being explained [link]

OOP's response:

I tried to talk about it a lot when I was in my early teens but by the time I was around 15 I knew it didn’t do any good and I was also pretty set on taking myself out by then and I knew if I talked to anyone about how I was feeling they would lock me up somewhere. I just stopped talking to anyone at that point. Going NC without warning was partly a “why bother?” thing and partly a “I know the next unaliving attempt is going to succeed and I don’t want to do it here.” thing. Fortunately as soon as I cut off my dad, things got less awful and I was able to get some useful help instead of being told to just deal with it.

Edited comment: After reading OP's response in the comments, I change my judgment to NTA. [link]

OOP's response:

Pretty much ceased to exist is accurate. No birthdays for me, no phone calls when they were gone, never came to anything for school, no holidays together. Went an entire summer without a word from him one year. He didn’t even notice I was gone for a week after I left. When I tried to talk to him about things I was told to suck it up, basically. So, yeah, I’d have actually been better off if he was also dead and I lived full time with my grandparents, at least then I could have pretended that he would have been there if he could have.

Info: Neglect is a severe issue, but I would like to know if there were any issues beyond that and a bad stepmother? It seems to me he was put into an impossible position when your brother got cancer. [link]

OOP's response:

It’s hard to have other issues when someone is never around and barely remembers to talk to you if you’re not in trouble. This went on for years. My mom was dying in the hospital and she still managed to always make sure I knew she loved me. My father couldn’t even manage a phone call or a post it note on my birthday for 5 years. Other problems would have been an improvement.

NTA but it seems he not only shoved you aside, he stole any chance you had to have a relationship with your brother. You don't need that in your life. [link]

OOP's response:

Yeah, the shitty thing is I actually loved my brother a lot, he was always a sweet kid even when he was sick. Even if my step-mom sucked I kind of liked being his big sister and missing out on time with him is the only thing I really regret about leaving. I always kind of hoped he would get better and we could reconnect when he was older.

Update post (Jan Jan 4th 2023)

AITA responded to my father’s request for a relationship with a PowerPoint UPDATE

A bunch of people have been asking for an update so I’m doing it here instead of on the main sub because the original blew up more than I want to deal with again.

I had a talk with my paternal grandparents over Christmas vacation and showed them the PowerPoint. They had no idea that things were as bad as they were or that I was actively suicidal at the time and the “accidents” I had as a teen were not really accidents. So, while they think it was still dangerously harsh under the circumstances, they understand better where I’m coming from, admit that my father messed up big time, and that the family should have been more involved with me instead of just supporting him and my brother. They said that on the surface they thought I was fine and just having trouble adjusting, but if they had known about the things described in the journal they would have insisted my father get help. They do want me to reconcile with him, but they understand why it might be too late for that so they’ve agreed not to bring him up unless I do first and not pass on information either way. So, that was actually productive.

As for my father, I know a lot of people think I’ll regret it if I don’t reconcile/forgive/whatever, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I’ve tried to imagine a conversation with him that wouldn’t make things worse, and I can’t. Best case scenario, he’s sorry and has a good grovel, but honestly I think hearing that would just make me hate him more. Worst case scenario, nothing has really changed and I have to walk away before I end up with an assault charge. I also just can’t imagine any real benefit or function to having him in my life, so reconnecting seems like a lot of work for no gain. As far as forgiveness, I don’t know if that’s actually possible. Apathy, maybe.

As far as I know, he’s alive. I’ve made it super clear that anyone who tries to give me information about him that I don’t request will also get the chop, so I’m probably not going to get any further updates. I’d rather just go back to forgetting he exists.

For me, I’m probably as fine as I’m going to be. I have therapy and meds. I can pass for a functional human most of the time. My deal with myself is that I have to at least stick around until my maternal grandparents pass so they don’t hurt and I can wrap things up for them, so in the mean time I’m working on finding other raison d’etra. Spite, possibly.

Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 9d ago

CONCLUDED I think my husband cheated on NYE while the kids & I had the flu (TOMC Jan 3, '23)

11.1k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/pretty_chicken9053 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 2nd, updated Jan 3rd 2023.

TW Ahead: DID YOU KNOW... Some mama cats will reject their kitten(s) if they can sense that the baby is too sick to make it or will get the other kittens sick? It can also happen with moms that are too young or are sick themselves. More details for my fellow nerds in the comments if you wanna learn more. Spay those kitties!

Trigger Warning: Cheating

Original post

I think my (28) husband (29) cheated on NYE while I had the flu

We have two kids. Over the past week each of our kids were sick and since I spend the most time with them; I caught it. They were over it by the time I got symptoms. It so happened I got the flu starting Friday night so my weekend plans were halted; I wasn't going out anyway but still.

My 2 yr old tested positive for the flu Friday and I started showing signs the same day.

Hes literally never here already but also couldn't not go into work and I was supposed to accompany him.

Anyway; im sick at home with two sick kids. All of us have fevers and he goes out. Yes it's his job but still.

10 o clock i sent a text saying I would be asleep by 12 so happy new year. I got a reply.

Someone called me and woke me up at almost one. I text him to make sure he was okay. Then dosed off. Ended up calling him around 3am to check on him and he claimed he was following my SIL home.

5 comes around I ask if he's okay. He claims irritation.

At 630 I text a bunch of question marks because he hasn't answered my last message. He said he was too drunk and had to chill for a bit before driving.

When he strolls in at 730. He heads straight to the bathroom and washes his face. He said some people spilled liquor all over his new sweater and shoes and he was super mad about it.

Told me how he stopped at the only open place to get some ice....to sober up. Okay.

When he went to sleep; I smelled his shirt. It was dry AND it didn't smell anything like alcohol. In fact, the bottom smelled like vagina shrugs and his shoes were squeaky clean.

So I woke him up. Like you left me home sick with the flu, with sick kids to lay up with a woman? He acted like I was tripping or making it up. "Who said that?"

I said that.

We haven't spoken since. Just small words here and there. We just got into a really petty argument because I said everyone was getting on my nerves because while I'm sick as a dog; my kids are better and bothering me and he's no help at all. I can't even recover properly because I can't rest.

He said the feeling was mutual and I told him he was welcome to leave. So he did which is fine by me honestly because I'm no dummy. But he was supposed to cut our sons hair and also I'm still really sick. I dont want to be dealing with this right now at all. My feelings aren't hurt at the thought of him cheating either. I actually don't care about that part. I guess he saw me being sick as the perfect opportunity.

I'm just extra annoyed but he's trying to spin this like I'm upset about not being able to go out for the new year which couldn't be further from the truth, I had no intention on going out anyway.

Edit: I went and reread our messages and I have the times wrong.

I sent out the first message at 10:13- that wished him a happy New Year and let him know I'd be asleep before 12. And told him to be careful.

At 1:20- I sent out a message telling him I had a fever and that my sister was looking for him. (That's who woke me up) He responded.

At 4am: I sent a "you good?" No response. Note: we live in a smallish city. Everything shuts down at 2 and the after hours close at 3:30.

At 6:16- I sent the question marks.

He responded and said he was about to be on his way. And he came in at 7:30 ish.

Also; I didn't mention that his sweater also smelled like perfume because he was out but I'm a bartender. If I spill liquor on my clothes, my clothes smell like liquor and whatever smell good I had on the next day, and especially in the next few hours.

I dont think im controlling for trying to make sure he didn't get into a drunk car accident/arrested/hurt.

In the comments:

Sounds like this relationship was down the drain before NYE started.

OP: No not really down the drain exactly. He is breaking into an industry that requires him to be away from home more and I'm trying to be understanding of that.

Typically we are a bit more communicative than this post shows, we've done couples courses and counseling and couples focused parenting classes and learned a few tricks. I just don't feel like he's being truthful. We've been together a very long time even though we are youngish (12 years)

I would just ask him outright and check his phone...the vagina smell is what gets me

OP: Me too. It literally smells like vagina. Like he had sex with his clothes still on. I dont even know else to explain it. Like he didn't pull his shirt all of the way up.

This has never been an issue for us so I don't even know how to go about asking. I've never went through his phone in all of our years together and thinking about it, whatever would have been in there is likely deleted by now.

You woke up, smelt his collar and then immediately got mad. His reaction was to also get mad and then happily leave no explanation. You are telling me it went from a happy communicative relationship to this in the matter of a couple minutes?

OP: Not exactly. I felt like his story was a lie. I smelt the entire shirt. A first for me too. It was just all of these things added together that made me take a pause and check his shirt AND shoes.

Any time either of us has had an issue, we have no issue talking about it. I know it sounds wild. Shit it's wild to me too. I promise you, all of this is completely left field. I've never even suspected him of cheating before, its just never been an issue.

Well I mean, if you don't even care that he cheated... ?

OP: Idk how to explain it. It's not that I wouldn't be hurt or sad, I would its just I have other shit to focus on than the hurt I'd feel. Like obviously cheating is fucked up but what is getting me the most is the fact that he was just okay with leaving me sick as hell, with two sick as hell kids and his focus was getting his dick wet instead of coming home to give a helping hand. I have never been this sick in my life. I can't even focus on the part that hurts; just the fact that its pissing me off and that he's acting like the only reason I have questions is because I didn't get to party.

Also the fact that I know that if he is cheating; there's nothing I can do to change it. It happened. And I'll leave. No bargaining.

Update the next day

update here about cheating husband

[Update] My husband cheated on NYE

I dont know how to link my last post but its on my page. And it was deleted from the sub I was on.

I'm not going to lie some of those comments are whew! Jesus christ.

Some questions:

Yes. You can get tested for the flu.

"You're controlling"

I mean ok. Let's go with that.

He works in the music industry. So its not uncommon for him to be away from home. Its not strange (to me) that he goes out without me because it's a part of his job. We actually almost never go out together but we usually bring in NYE together. I didn't care about him working because it was supposed to be work. But again; things shut down here pretty early, he's never come in later than 4 and that's not often at ALL.

There was someone who said his clothes wouldn't still smell like liquor. Let's go with that, why would his clothes be completely dry?? He also had on white btw.

Me saying I don't care about the cheating. It's not that I wouldn't Care, i guess I worded that bad. I would care. I'm not a robot. I just have other shit to worry about in this moment. I can't even begin to worry about the pain I might feel. Yes cheating is disrespectful, in regular circumstances. In my circumstances it's EXTRA disrespectful to me because we are so damn sick. Like damn. You care so little about me that you'd cheat NOW?

Mentions of me being a single mom: isn't typical but we have communicated about it over the last few weeks. The division of labor isn't fair. So he had been making sure he's home to help with homework/bedtime/play time more. So I've been trying to be understanding of his work I guess.

He cut back hours at his regular job as well so I didn't exactly suspect anything.

Ok to the update:

Thank you to the redditor that told me exactly what to look for. And thanks for the well wishes. I definitely am starting to feel better a bit but not by much.

Sorry if this is everywhere;

He DID cheat and I'm glad I'm not crazy. With some girl named Valerie (he had her name under his mom's!). Didn't ask many questions about who she is because idc about her. She knows he's married he knows he's married.

I asked straight up to see his phone. And apparently she's someone that comes into his regular job. He has invited her to come to events I didn't go to (couldn't go to). She danced on him and she made him hard apparently and it went from there. Their text are soooo cringy I mean think high schoolers.

From the things I have been to, she was also there. She told him I was really pretty and asked if I'd be open to a threesome. He told her he'd convince me. It came up a few times.

They literally talk about me and my kids like she's an old friend. All I can do is laugh yall. Seriously.

He wrote her and told her I suspect something and she told him to delete their pics (didn't find those). NYE was their first night physically having sex but there was an obvious build up to it.

They had sex in his car. Well his mom's car because his car is in the shop and he doesn't like to drive mine (thank god).

When I checked the time; he was on the phone with her when he pulled up.

He's an idiot and I'm embarrassed. I know who she is. I've never met her but I found her. She isn't my focus though. I feel bad that her self esteem is so low that she'd be willing to be a secret. Its not like he's rich.

I didn't find anything else about anyone else. But who knows.

For him, I can't even look at him. He won't leave because apparently we can work it out. eye roll I'm so disgusted. He didn't even shower after. He just laid in the bed I paid for and passed out. He washed his face, got undressed and went to sleep.

I feel nauseous at the thought of him coming to kiss me and my kids after they did God knows what.

He knows cheating is a big fuck no for me, I've always said if he gets the urge to cheat; just leave because I WILL find out and I'm not nice and forgiving for shit like this.

I even opened the door for him to tell me the truth. Of course he didn't mean for it to go that far, it was just conversations and then he got drunk.

That this is the first time he has ever cheated but I can't believe that so I won't. But I'm not going to cry about it. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I just said "OK". And asked him to leave.

I have been with him and only him since I was 16 years old. He pursued me. When things got rocky and I wanted to leave, he did the work to keep me. He wanted ME. I've given him all of my 20s. I can't tell if I'm hurt though honestly, I'm more-or-less irritated and disgusted. I genuinely don't even have time to think about it too much.

He said it was a mistake lol I can't do anything but laugh. I should make a mistake similar I guess. And not to be cocky, but I'm not an ugly woman. I have a very nice body, my personality is amazing! Im funny as hell, im an amazing mom, and I know that I am a great wife. Im not lacking suitors at all This isn't on me.. and i won't delude myself into thinking I could've done anything different.

I want him to leave. He cheated. It's done and it happened. To the redditor that said I'm ruining my marriage, I didn't ruin my marriage. He did. Especially because he's a horrible liar. I grew up with him. I know when shit isn't right.

Edit: thank yall so much for all of the love. And well wishes. I love everyone for all of the advice and praise. I appreciate yall so much. He has agreed to leave to his mom's house thankfully. But get this....after I feel better. He's gonna stay to help with me and the kids.

In the comments:

My point exactly. It was cheating before it became physical. He just got sloppy on NYE because he thought I'd be asleep or too out of it, not thinking that I also have sick kids who are getting up as well. It was such a long conscious decision.

Exactly where I am in my thoughts. He's disgusting. He has to go. The level of disrespect he's shown to me; I'll never ever get over. He's a fool if he thinks otherwise.

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. On the flip side I’m super glad to hear you know your worth and that you’re more deserving. You didn’t even give him the reaction he probably thought would happen lmao! Good for you! In his moms car too damn that’s Ew. He’s a fucker.

OP: Yes. And I've definitely made up my mind to tell his mama to make sure gets her car professionally detailed. Thank you!

I'm flairing this concluded as OOP has said several times that cheating is a deal breaker for her and she's done.

Reminder that I am not the original poster. This is a repost

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 8d ago Gold

CONCLUDED OOP notices friend's bare feet, asks for skin care regimen, and discovers that he had a skin infection for more than 30 years.

10.0k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/takatori in r/tifu

 

ETA - Random cute pic of a dog & cat for mobile users who don't want to see feet. Hope this helps.

 

ORIGINAL POST + UPDATES - 28th June 2021

During puberty, the body goes through many changes as a boy becomes a man. The voice deepens, musculature increases, genitals grow and gain hair, a beard and moustache come in, and the feet develop a hard, protective crust. All natural physical development.

Or so I had assumed until this weekend, when our "pod" got together at the beach for a little summer fun.

I've always enjoyed walking barefoot on the beach, as the gritty sand tends to wear down the thicker calluses and slough off shedding skin layers. Sometimes I would even use a pumice stone to sand them down thinner so that they wouldn't tear up socks as badly as when left natural.

Now, I've never really paid attention to feet, never really looked at them closely or had a fetish for them like you hear about, so even with partners playing with their feet just wasn't something I ever did. I've seen women's feet in movies like the toes scene in The Big Lebowski, but assumed women just have softer feet than men. I probably had plenty of opportunities to see other mens' feet at the pool or gym showers, or wherever, but without having really any interest in feet, I can't say I've looked closely at anyone's feet, ever.

But on this day, one of my guy friends was wearing bright purple nail polish.

It caught my eye, naturally, and it occurred to me that somehow his toenails were long and flat, like fingernails, not white and bunched up like toenails. And his protective calluses were almost missing! Not the sanded-down smooth appearance from walking in sand or using a pumice stone, but virtually absent altogether! I wondered if this meant he didn't often walk barefoot, and so never developed them, or if he had some method better to sand them down.

So I asked, "Hey, I noticed your nail polish, your new style?" "Ha, no, my daughter wanted to practice, and couldn't say no!" "I couldn't help notice how flat your toenails are, and you have almost no calluses -- do you use some sort of special cream or trimmer to get them to look like that?" "No, they're just normal feet." "But you don't have any calluses on the bottom. Normal feet have calluses to protect them when walking on hard or rough surfaces."

And showed my foot as an example.

"Um, wow," he said, "how long have you had that? Are you taking any medicine?" "Taking medicine? For what? These are just normal feet with normal calluses." "No, no they're not, that's like the worst case of athlete's foot I've ever seen. How long have you had it?" "I don't know what you mean ... my feet have always been like this ... this is just how feet are. ... isn't it?" "No, not at all. That's foot disease. It's some sort of fungal infection. There's medicine for it. Have you never heard of athlete's foot?"

Yes, I had heard of athlete's foot. From TV commercials advertising creams to treat it. But they never showed pictures of it, nobody had ever told me what it was, and nobody for over thirty years after I went through puberty mentioned that there was anything at all wrong with my feet.

Never has a doctor mentioned it to me. Never has a partner mentioned it to me. Never has a coach mentioned it to me. Never has anyone mentioned it to me.

I just thought that's how feet are.

Epilogue: with the obligatory "this happened two weeks ago," I immediately visited a dermatologist the next business day, got a diagnosis and medication, and my feet are already halfway through a magical transformation. It's incredible.

TL;DR: While going through puberty my feet developed thick calluses and I thought this was a normal part of growing up. Nobody ever told me my feet looked strange, I never compared my feet to others, and I never realized anything was wrong with my feet until asking a friend how they made theirs so smooth and they told me I had athlete's foot for thirty years.

UPDATE: Since everyone is asking for photos, I've uploaded in-progress treatment photos here. The first photo is of my toenails, the second of my heel. All toenails used to look like my little toe looks now. They are growing in flat and translucent now. The pinkish areas on my heel and side of foot were also covered in the same white-yellow callus three weeks ago before seeing the doctor. And the callus was MUCH thicker and flakier.

For illustration, the top picture in the Wikipedia article and the "side of foot" photo on the Mayo Clinic site are almost exactly what my feet looked like before.

UPDATE 2: The medicine prescribed was Terbinafine, a prescription daily oral anti-fungal pill. It is apparently quite strong, requiring regular blood work to monitor liver function. The doctor expects it to take six months to be completely cured including new toenails growing out cleanly. The doctor took skin samples and ran tests to confirm it is indeed Athlete's Foot, not other similar conditions people have mentioned. NOTE: This is apparently a very powerful medication which as noted can affect liver function, and many pharmacists and others have commented to note that people taking it are not supposed to take paracemetol/acetaminophen or drink alcohol during the treatment.

UPDATE 3: The kind redditor /u/berneealf wrote out a lengthy comment detailing a care regimen that mirrors a lot of the other good advice given in the various comment threads. Hopefully it helps!

ETA the amazing comment by u/berneealf

Alright my man, I have some advice you should read. I have fended off athlete's foot since I can remember and I have never had to use any ingested medicine. I think you should follow your doctor's advice, but that medicine may trash your liver. DO NOT take any other medicaments during this period without consulting with a doctor. Painkillers (ibuprofene, paracetamol, aspirine) are all synthesized in your liver. Combining them with Terbinafine can be really dangerous. Alcohol is also synthesized in your liver, I don't know if your doctor told you to suspend alcoholic beverages, but at least take it easy on the drinking.

Now on to my personal treatment. Your feet look like a pretty advanced micotic infection, dermatrophyte fungi like the one you have require a damp environment to thrive. This may mean you have a case of hyperhidrosis AKA you're a sweaty bastard. Most people never develop micotic infections up to this point. The problem is, after you are done with your treatment and are dishcarged by your doctor, your feet will still be sweaty bastards, therefore you are prone to developing an infection again. That is not the only problem. Fungi spread through spores like plants spread through seeds. Spores are microscopical and airborne so they are likely everywhere in your closet (specially your shoes and socks). Sweaty feet + spores = relapse.

How to combat it:

  • This will not in any way hinder the treatment prescribed by your doctor, on the contrary, it is likely to accelerate your healing so you may drop the Terbinafine sooner.

  • About 6 years ago, I read that the US army treats athlete's foot with vinegar. Soldiers have little choice for footwear and socks, so they repeat often and end up with damp feet, add that to comunal showers where spores spread from one foot to another and you end up with an institution that knows how to handle athlete's foot.

  • Fungi cannot handle a strongly acidic or basic PH. Mix 1 part of white cooking vinegar and 1 part of water, soak your feet for 10 min daily and dry thouroughly. This treatment has worked wonders for me and it's easy and cheap.

  • Purchase an over the counter anti micotic cream. There are many avaliable and they work well. Apply it once a day on clean feet.

  • Spend as much time as possible barefoot. Airing prevents dampness.

  • Last step: rub your feet with a callous remover once or twice a week, this will help you remove the dead skin that provides a perfect environment for fungus, and your feet will recover faster.

That is it for my treatment, but you might want to think about addressing the spore situation (the fact that there are spores all over your closet). I'll be honest with this one, it hasn't worked for me. I enacted a very thorough closet cleanup twice in the past when I was sure I had no present infection. In the end the infection returned after some time (granted, a lot of time). So I ended up with a halfway solution. As I said, spores are microscopic and airborne so I wasn't able to eliminate them entirely (or I might have caught them soewhere else). The solution I came up with was using vinegar to kill the spores in my shoes and socks. Make a stronger mix than what you use on your feet (2 parts vinegar for 1 part water). And soak your shoes and socks everytime you wash them. Voila! You have succesfully hindered their reproductive cycle.

Prevention of future infections:

  • The most important step is to cycle your shoes, and have a wider assortment of shoes so you don't repeat often (hey you will also devolop a more fashionable closet). Overusing the same shoes leads to accelerating fungal development. Don't store your shoes in your closet when you take them off, give them one day to air-dry before storing.
  • Prevent dampness by spending as much time as possible with bare feet, and applying talc on your shoes before putting them on.
  • Check your feet: The fungus is very likely to return, but it will be very easy to get rid off if you catch it early. Early signs of infection are bad smell, itchyness, small lumps and redness in the skin.
  • Keep one of those anti micotic creams and some white vinegar at hand. Once you notice an infection, you can effectively treat it in under a week with those 2 things.
  • Keep an eye for itchyness on other parts of your body. Crotch-itch is caused by the same fungus as athlete's foot. In my case, I noticed that by using a special sponge just for my feet (I used to use 1 for all of my body) I greatly reduced breakouts on my face. Fucking fungus was givind me some acne.

Well my friend I put some effort into writing this for you in hopes you will find it helpful. I'm thinking of turning this into a lifeprotip post where more people can share their treatments and tips. If you need any further sweaty bastard advice, I'm only happy to help.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

CONCLUDED OOP has cerebral palsy, someone keeps calling the cops on them

12.2k Upvotes

Original Originally posted by u/TheAskewOne in r/legaladvice on 17 Nov 2022

How do I stop my neighbor from calling the cops on me every time I wait at the bus stop?

This is an issue that started two weeks ago or so. I use the bus to move around so I walk from my place to the bus stop and the other way around daily. I have cerebral palsy which causes a limp and bad balance. When I'm tired I stumble sometimes and it looks like I'm drunk, I'm aware of that. Now there's someone in the neighborhood who calls the cops every time they see me at the bus stop. In the last two weeks I was approached by the police 4 times already, they asked my if I was intoxicated, I explained, they let me go. They told me that someone had called for a man publicly intoxicated at the bus stop. Once they said intoxicated and incoherent. I never was drunk and/or bothered anyone at the bus stop or elsewhere, most of the time I'm waiting alone anyway. I suppose the caller lives in the neighborhood, sees me walking and thinks I'm drunk. I don't know who's calling. I really want it to stop, even though the officers were polite and respectful, I don't feel safe having the police called on me repeatedly. One of the officers who responded once was very insistent and didn't seem to believe me at first. They told me they have to check every time someone calls. Can anything be done?

Update Originally posted by u/TheAskewOne in r/legaladvice on 01 Dec 2022

Update: neighbor calling the cops on me when I'm at the bus stop

Brief update: as I was advised on here I ended up going to the precinct to explain what was happening. An officer said there was no record of anything, but there are problems in our neighborhood with people on drugs who have been fighting and violently harassing bystanders and that's probably why officers were dispatched every time someone called. It's nothing really new though so I'm not sure why they suddenly started caring. Anyway, they're now aware of who I am and I was told that if someone called, they'd let them know there was no problem and to go on with their day. It's been two weeks now, and the police haven't been called on me again, so hopefully the issue is solved.

I am not the OP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 20d ago Pot o' Coins Facepalm

CONCLUDED My Wife Is Dead. The Best Christmas present I Could Have Gotten (TOMC Jan 1, '23)

17.1k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/Training-Noise-9549 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1, '23, updated as an edit, undated.

Trigger Warning coming in...

3

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2

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1

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Trigger Warning: Drunk driving, cheating, death

Original post

My wife is dead. The best Christmas present I could have gotten.

At the beginning of 2022, I caught my wife having an affair with one of her exes. Our marriage wasn't perfect, I was not the perfect husband I will admit. But, I did my best. I put effort into the entire 5 years we were together. I put my all into the relationship. Her, I could not say the same.

I was forced to confront the reality of who she truly was shortly after I caught her. She illegally evicted me from our shared home, lied to the police to try and get me arrested, tried to get me fired from my job, and tried to turn all of my friends against me. Some of these succeeded, while others did not. She has made my life a living hell since the day I asked her for the divorce and has planted her heels into the ground over our separation to try and drain all my finances and emotional strength from me. The only upside is we had no kids for her to use as weapons, but I soon found out that her policy of strict birth control with me did not extend to her suitor as he got her pregnant 5 months ago. I thought maybe this would help speed along the divorce, but it only rallied her in her efforts to destroy me.

On Christmas eve, my wife and her suitor went to a party where both of them got drunk (I find this fact terrible as all her friends knew she was pregnant as well.) Her suitor drove them home, a mistake that would cost them both their lives.

In the state I live in, our divorce is now considered to never have even started. I will be able to claim her life insurance policy for myself and move back into my home.

Her parents called me up distraught yesterday. Acting as if the last year had never happened and offered their full support to my funeral preparations for her. My confusion here was beyond belief, but the apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to my wife. I told them if they want a funeral, it was coming out of their pockets. I will pay for her to be cremated, and deliver her ashes to them in the cheapest urn offered if they desire. They called me horribly and tried to guilt me about her life insurance, but after only 4 minutes on the phone with them, I hung up and blocked every one of her family's numbers.

I'm going to be taking a few extra days off work to move back into my house over the next week. I've already made arrangements to have her stuff hauled off so my home will be an empty canvas to start my life anew. I don't know if there is a god, or if this was just karma, but I truly believe now that I have come out on the other side of the storm.

OP's comments

Judge me how you will. I will not argue with how my actions influence others' opinions about me. I just know that if the situation was reversed, my wife would be shopping around for a sports car with the life insurance money she collected on me.

You're right. I don't like them, but they do deserve her things if they want them. I'll unblock her mom and offer to make arrangements to deliver her stuff wherever she wants. If she wants it all or only certain things I'll eat the cost and deliver it to her. I'm already paying to have it hauled and trashed so no point in caring where it goes.

I cut those people out of my life when they turned on me due to false accusations that I had video evidence to prove wrong. If her lies being exposed in 4k are not enough to convince them, they are nothing more than anchors to be released in the sea.

I will be installing cameras at the house tomorrow, the locks have already been re-pinned. My divorce lawyer has already given me recommendations and I am meeting with an attorney on Wednesday.

Update:

I have decided to elaborate on a few common threads I see in this post here, as responding to all the comments would be too much.

Firstly, some are judging me for the way I am reacting to the death of 3 people. You're right, it is not normal nor is it healthy. I feel no emotions toward my ex at this moment. All my hatred, resentment, and regret evaporated when I learned of her death. I feel nothing but relief right now. This void has slowly consumed me over the past few days. I feel numb. Like I'm dreaming. Like what happened is not real. This woman made my life a living hell for over a year. She set out to destroy me, and would not stop until she did. I do not like the fact that I feel this way over the death of 3 people, but that is not a box I feel ready to unpack at this moment.

Secondly, I have reached out to my Ex's mom today and things are much more civil as of now. I'll pay the hauling company to move her stuff into one of their storage units and they can figure out the rest. Her mother revealed to me that they cannot afford to host a funeral for my ex. I am 100% the legal beneficiary of her life insurance. Despite my past hatred for her family, I told her mother I will give them a small amount from her life insurance so they can have a service and arrange burial logistics for her. This is contingent on us cutting ties after and I will not be involved any further in her funeral. I will still be talking to a lawyer.

Lastly, I am not going to elaborate any further except the only lives lost was hers, her suitor, and their unborn child.

Some are saying I should sell the house. Right now, I only want to return to my home. The details of where I end up, either there or somewhere over the rainbow, are yet to be determined. I do not know what life holds for me, or for any of us. This event happened, maybe for a reason or maybe the universe has no logic at all. This "Gift" put an end to a period of my life that sent me to the brink of destruction, it's morbid to think that the death of 3 people was what pulled me to the other side alive. It's interesting how quick it can all change or end.

Just a reminder that I am not the original poster

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 3d ago

CONCLUDED The Aunt Who Took In Her Abused Niece, Final Update (Jan 1, '23)

9.9k Upvotes

This is a NEW update to a previously posted story that began August10, '22, newest updates on Dec 15, '22, Jan 1, '23. Originally posted by u/Mano_Mama3510 in r/AmItheAsshole. OOP has indicated this will be the final update.

If you don't need to read the first parts that have already been posted to BORU, I have marked the newer ones with 🔴🔴🔴's so you can skip to them.

To avoid the coming TW if you want...

Did you know, when you foster ONE animal for your local shelter, you are helping to save TWO lives?! Fostering that one fur baby frees up a cage/kennel for another animal (or more!) at the shelter, which means one more animal off the streets and meeting families to find their forever home!

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Trigger warnings: child abuse, violence, domestic violence, mention of child sa, depression

Original post August 10th

Just bear with me for a moment.

My (29f) nephew, Josh (12m), is quite spoilt. His parents, my brother and SIL show blatant favoritism towards him over his younger sister Lou(9f). As a result, sadly Josh has grown a little entitled. He also is quite mean to his younger sister because his parents never believe her when she tells him what he's done to her stuff. Now, I'm usually very strict and when the kids are with me for a weekend, Josh is usually on his best behavior. Now, Josh's birthday was yesterday. Lou had a spelling bee last week and she got first prize. Her parents brushed it off but I was very happy for her because she spent hours learning each word and I was very proud. So when I took the kids day before Josh's birthday so he could pick out a gift for his bday, I got Lou a stuffed animal as a 'you did great!'. Josh picked this game that he's been wanting.

The birthday party was yesterday and when I went to their house, Lou had been grounded and was not allowed to attend and the two friends she had invited were also sent back home. I thought it was extreme and asked what she had done. Turns out that Josh and her argued over the tv remote and Josh went to her room and destroyed her stuffed animal that I gave her and told her she didn't deserve it. Lou screamed at him and my brother got angry with her 'temper tantrum' and had her pick up the pieces of the stuffed animal and throw them in the trash ALL THE WHILE SHE CRIED. She was then grounded.

Btw, Josh's best friend was the one who spilled the beans to me and also told me that Josh goaded his parents into the punishment. I was furious and refused to give Josh his birthday present, telling him he didn't deserve it for being mean to his sister. I also told off my SIL and brother that they're growing insanely cruel towards their young daughter.

Now my family is pissed that I refused to give Josh his birthday gift.

SO, AITA

TLDR; nephew picked on sister and I refused to give him his bday present

EDIT: I have picked up my niece from my brother's house this morning. I called him and told him if she's being so rude to her brother, then maybe she should stay with me a couple of days to clam down (had no other choice but to say this. had to get her out of there). I got her a massive teddy bear which she's keeping in my house and I took her out to get Mcdonalds so she's smiling. But I am looking for a more permanent solution

1st Update 6 days later

It's been a hell of a week. First of all, I want to say thank you for all the kind comments and messages. I've read all of them. I only managed to respond to some because I was pretty overwhelmed over the whole thing. There was a lot going on as well.

As you can tell from my other posts, I'm in the middle of switching careers, so I simply don't have the funds to support my niece. And by that, I mean no one is going to give me my niece to foster because my income is low. I'm a freelance romance writer and that doesn't really generate a lot of income. I say this because I did seek out advice from social services in my country and they just shook their head at me. But I'll get to that later.

On to the actual update, I did end up taking my niece with me for a few days and I sat her down and talked to her once she was calm. There were a lot of things that were happening in that house that I was not aware of. My nephew bullies her and my brother thinks its funny when she cries. A few months ago, my niece had an accident and fractured her left arm. I was told she slipped down the stairs. She is clumsy so I thought that was that. Turned out her brother pushed her down the stairs as a prank and my brother laughed while she was screaming in pain. I verified the story from a neighbor who told me that she ended up taking her to hospital. Her father was apparently shouting at her to stop making a racket when she wouldn't stop screaming in pain.

I lost it at that.

I asked her if her mom knew. She said yes.

Now, my childhood was pretty dark but not like this.

I called my parents and asked them about this incident and a couple others and at first they hee-hawed, we don't know, blah, blah, and then my mom admitted she knew and that it was just kids being kids.

I just saw red at that point.

This whole week I've been gathering any bit of evidence I can find. Finally, I invited over my brother and his wife. I told them that if they didn't get their shit together, I was posting everything on social media. I was going to email it to their companies, friends, whatnot (thank you to whomever suggested this). At first my brother was furious and when he tried to attack me, I pointed towards the camera I have in my living room. I was so angry that I felt like I was numb. I knew that this would destroy my relationship with my entire family but they left a little girl screaming on the bottom of the stairs and my brother laughed. I can't get that image out of my head.

I told them I could either call the social services in our country and get Lou taken from them, or they could give her to me. The problem with this threat is that if I went the social services route, I would lose Lou as well. I told them if they don't want a daughter, they can give her to me. They can pretend she never existed. I was just speaking very quickly at that point. I don't even remember what i said. I would take over her expenses, etc, except for her health insurance and school fees. I told them they would never have to look at her again. I just kept talking.

My SIL started crying of how I was taking her child from her. I admittedly got angry over that and reminded her she wanted to abort Lou when she was pregnant. I was legit angry crying at that moment. I wanted to hit them. My brother was just silent. He was actually considering it.

I told them it was better than having their dirty laundry aired in public because if it did, both kids would be removed from their house. It was blackmail but I had no options.

They said they'd think about it but Lou is with me for now. My SIL was pretty nasty about it too. in her words 'keep the little 'sl**'." All in my language ofc. I don't know how she can refer to her daughter like this but honestly i don't give a shit. My friend is a lawyer and he's told me to get a voice message from them that Lou is going to stay with me. My SIL said this over the voice note.

Lou hasn't mentioned going home. She doesn't talk about her parents. Yesterday, she and I went out and brought this lavender color paint and we painted my entire guestroom for her. I've decided to pick up more projects so that i can start saving for her. I did have some money set aside for a potential college fund for her. But I'll be picking up more work to save more and give her a comfortable life.

I did get calls from my parents, shouting at me. I closed the phone on them. the only person who is supportive is my cousin. He said that if social services do get involved, he can take Lou in and I can move closer to them or something. I don't know.

Lou is just quiet. She's happy sometimes and sometimes she's just quiet. I fear she suffered more abuse in that house than she's letting on. My lawyer friend recommended a child therapist so I've booked a session for Monday. It's been three days and no call from my brother and SIL. My parents call every now and then to yell at me but they yell at me either way so whatever. I feel like this might work because both brother and SIL saw the post I had written out as a draft with pictures and evidence. It was extreme enough that they would suffer damage at their jobs. And news channels in my country eat this shit up especially if it happens in an educated household.

I don't know. I know blackmail is wrong. But I don't know what to do.

2nd Update August 18th

I have been bombarded by the most loving and sincere messages and comments and I know I can't get to all of them but I want to thank you fo reaching out. You guys have made me feel from being alone to having an entire community behind me and that is such a reassuring thought. To all those who offered to send Lou gifts and hep out with clothes etc, thank you so much. It's a very touching offer but I do want to let you know that my friends have been spoiling Lou, buying her gifts, taking her out. She's got at least ten stuffed animals alone including one massive life-sized one from me and one from my very sweet neighbor from across the hall. She loves cuddling them both and has named them Boo and Hoo. She thinks its funny as do I when she runs down the hall screaming 'Boo Hoo, lets play'/

And for those who offered to help me out with my career transition, those who sent me roadmaps and offered to tutor me themselves, or even share their learning accounts with me, God bless you! I will reach out to most of you guys if I run into hiccups but I just started crying when all of you kept reaching out. But I'm planning to do a tech degree from treehouse and do small courses and certifications alongside. But thank you all so much. I've not even gotten to all the messages yet.

About the Gofundme account I've been asked about, as much as I appreciate the offers, the thing is while I am not crazy rich, I do have some savings and will keep working to increase my income to give Lou a comfortable life. My friends have gathered around me and have given their kids clothes, toys, etc. I've not given Lou everything because I know things are changing for her right now and I want to take it slowly.

Also, my SIL's parents sent me some money yesterday and her mother visited this morning. She didn't say anything but she just stayed for an hour, asked Lou if she was happy and gave me some money. She said she would keep sending money. Lou's maternal grandfather didn't reach out but I suspect his wife might be fond of Lou. She's very sweet and non confrontational. Tbh I've never talked to her before, she's very quiet. But she asked if she could visit again, and I said, only if I was home. She was okay with that.

Lou's parents haven't reached out but Josh called this afternoon, wanting to talk to Lou. It sounded like he had been crying. I felt bad and I told him he can visit on the weekends as he always done (like I said before, he is always well behaved here). Lou and he talked on the speaker phone for quite a while and he was telling her about the baby rabbits they have or something. I was just keeping an eye on Lou. Lou didn't seem upset when she closed the phone. She's at that age when you really want to get along with your sibling. I would really prefer if I can build a better relationship between the two.

That's all that happened so far. I just wanted to make this post to thank everyone who has and is still reaching out. And I guess I want to reassure you all that things are getting better. From the way, Lou's maternal grandmother was talking, I think she's confident Lou will be staying with me. And I did tell my parents off. I told them that if they want contact with their ONLY granddaughter, they should be grateful she's in a safe environment. I also added that they should be happy that Josh now has his parents full attention. My mom shut up at the first part which makes me suspect that they were aware of other things happening in that house.

Lastly, I talked to my lawyer who set up an urgent medical examination for Lou. I don't want to get into it but nothing happened to her of any sexual nature. She has bruises here and there which have not faded but aside from the fracture in her arm, there's nothing that suggests anything untoward happening. It's A HUGE relief but Lou was all shaken up by the examination so I took her to get icecream and let her watch two disney movies back to back. She has to go back to school from Monday so I think she'll be fine.

September 1, '22

It's been a minute.

Sorry for the sudden silence. My inbox has been overflowing and I haven't touched it in a while. Also sorry for the tiny heading which makes no sense.

God, I'm tired.

I wanted to give an update considering how many of you reached out and asked and offered help, advice and everything under the sun. All of which I'm very grateful for and probably why I'm writing this post.

So, a lot has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.

Lou has been removed from my care.

I guess I should start from this point.

They took her away four days ago. Social services. She's with my cousin and she's called me crying, multiple times because she wants to come back. I wasn't allowed to accompany her because they think that I might be a danger to her (more on this later). I'm talking to another lawyer, a very good one. He reached out to me on reddit, actually, and it turns out he's a friend of a friend's and was able to deduce who i was from the posts.

I was wrong when I thought my brother would back down. And I was an idiot for thinking he would give over Lou so calmly. I'm going to try and follow a timeline. The legal process is being handled but I'm upset and I guess this is a rant post and a self pity one or something.. Because I can;t stop crying.

5 days ago - I was home with Lou. She was watching a movie and I was working when the power cut off. We have scheduled hours here when the light is shut off but that wasn't in the schedule. I wasn't worried too much. My laptop was charged and I let her watch the movie on my laptop. I didn't really realize at that point that without the electricity my security cameras don't work. Long and tedious story short, my brother had turned off the breaker. He broke in. I shoved Lou into my room and made her lock the door. He beat me up. I think he would have killed me if my neighbors hadn't heard the commotion. Her father was home and he barged over (my door was open). He got my brother off of me and my neighbor (his daughter) called the police. This is where things got messy. I was bleeding. My face is still bruised and I can't put my weight on my left leg. My brother claimed that I had kidnapped Lou and was sexually abusing her and Josh and he was here to get her back. I had evidence that they had given Lou over willingly and when it came to abuse allegations, it was Lou's word against her brother and parents. Yes, apparently Josh parroted those words. The two policemen who showed up seemed suspicious when Lou kept clinging to me, refusing to go. I don't know how I was functioning in that moment but I managed to call my lawyer who dealt with most of it. I had to be taken to the hospital.

It looks bad but I'm fine-ish. To all those who kept telling me to record conversations etc, thank you. His allegations and my SIL's words about Lou made a weak case. But it was enough for social services to get involved. They removed both Josh and Lou because I started talking. I had evidence, loads of it and I shoved it down their throats. I was still in my apartment at that point. I hadn't left for the hospital. I couldn't. Lou was crying. My lawyer was on his way. If I had gone I was scared they give Lou to my brother.

(also when I say social services, its basically an equivalent of some child care organization generally. We don't have social services per say but this is a govt agency)

I filed charges against my brother and the SS person was supposed to come day after but I had to go to the hospital. The police accompanied me and let me keep Lou by my side. I don't have any brown bones so I was discharged the next afternoon.

I would like to point out that my parents visited and tried to take Lou with them but the policeman who was with me wouldn't let them. I was also protesting.

I have to skip stuff here because I'm mentally drained right now. But the gist is that 4 days ago, I got a visit from this lady from SS who said that because of the allegations, they have to remove Lou from my care till the investigation is complete. My cousin stepped up and took her in. My parents took in Josh.

This is ongoing.

I don't know why they did this. I'm shaken beyond belief. I'm tired. I can still hear Lou crying in my ears. I don't know why. I wake up terrified at night thinking somebody is in the room. I've been sleeping with the lights on. A friend is sleeping over ever since this whole thing happened. One of my friends got me a small generator for my apartment which I can use to keep the security cameras running and the lights if the electricty is shut off.

My SIL is telling everyone that I ab**** her children. My parents have called me but I've not answered. My lawyer wants me to go in for some evaluation. My brother is in jail because I pressed charges but I heard that my parents are going to post bail.

My life feels like its gone to shit.

EDIT: Just want to say that right now I know this post sounds like 'me me me' but I feel like that right now. Lou is upset but she's safe with my cousin, his wife, and kids. She gets along with her cousins so I know she'll be in good hands.

September 3, '22

Update - Small (slightly good) self.Mano_Mama3510 This is a small piece of good news. The SS lady came over this morning. She said that based on all the evidence her department has received and the interviews they have conducted from neighbors and teachers, they are confident my brother and SIL's claims are baseless. It's pretty damning evidence. The biggest factor was that they took both Lou and Josh and had a child psychologist evaluate them. They don't show signs of abuse and Josh ended up admitting what his parents had told him to say.

Both kids have now been permanently removed from my brother and SIL's care. SS lady found it disturbing like many of you how SIL referred to Lou and they are considering terminating parental rights. That's what she said. The case is still going to be investigated further but since the accusation was verbal and not a filed report, she says it should be fine. I'm now allowed to visit Lou (supervised) and I'm taking some DIY craft stuff for her and her cousins and will stay over for a night. My cousin has been really supportive throughout which makes me feel better.

I spent an hour facetiming Lou and she was happier. I set up a small shop online to sell these digital designs when she first moved in with me and she and I had been spending hours making them together. She's very artsy so I know she enjoyed it. She kept talking about her and her cousins (3 girls, her age group) have been drawing pretty designs and all three of them kept popping onto the screen.

It just showed me that having her there long term might be the best solution. My cousin has mentioned that if things go the way they are going, he and his wife might consider adopting Lou. There;s more to this but while its a good thing, talking about it makes me a little sad so I'm just not for a while. Both he and his wife gave really good reasons which make sense.

My brother lost his job which is something I didn't mention in my last post. Not just because he went to jail but because I blasted both him and SIL on social media, tagging their colleagues. That didn't go over well with my family. My parents showed up and had a lot to say. They didn't so much as ask me how I was doing physically. They kept saying I had destroyed my brothers family because I couldn't leave well enough alone. My lawyer was over at the time and he took great pleasure in kicking them out.

So, yeah, that's where things are standing right now.

I have a feeling I might never get Lou back but the family that she is with might be the best option, financially, and emotionally. I did book a meeting with a therapist today. It's going to be next week. A lot of you pointed out that I might be a little traumatized from the break in which is true. So, yeah. ​

I don't know much about Josh. I know none of this is his fault but a part of me resents him which isn't fair. I haven't reached out to him and I don't want to. My friends are telling me that once this whole thing is sorted, he will need someone by his side and if he stays with my parents, he'll go down the same path as my brother. I think they're suggesting I take him in when the time comes. I don't know. I don't want to. I can't forget how he told the SS that I had s* abused him. (My cousin has refused to take him in).

So, a semi good update and sad. My cousin will come pick me up in a couple of hours. I got some DIY glass paint kits for the girls and some beads and strings for bracelets.

September 19, '22

Update - Niece (and Nephew)

So its been a while since my last update and I was pondering over whether to make this or not but I got a lot of requests for one so here goes.

My name is cleared, legally, from every angle. Surprisingly it didn't take that much time.

I had a sit down with Josh a few days ago and by that I mean, his school is near my house and I found him in front of my apartment building when I came home from my doctor's appointment last week. I didn't want to be alone with him so I asked my neighbor and her dad to linger about and I called my lawyer. I know I keep turning to him for every sneeze but I didn't know what to do. After the accusations, I simply didn't want to be alone with him.

There was a lot of crying. I get that his entire family unit has been destroyed. He's feeling insecure in a way. He can't see his parents. For some reason, my parents have been blaming him for what happened. That pissed me off. This happened because they did a shitty job of raising their own son. Josh asked if he could stay with. me instead. Now the SS lady who is in charge of this case, wanted to keep Josh and Lou separate for some reason. My lawyer called her to tell her what was happening. She arrived at my apartment within an hour.

I have to say you hear shit about these sort of people but this lady is super sweet. She listened to Josh and then to me, privately. I expressed my concerns. However, she said that it might be better to have Josh stay here than my parents. Now that is something that has me uneasy. I told her that and she told me that if I have security cameras inside, I should get them in every room if I am worried. But the child psychologist working with Josh has said he's under too much stress. His school work is suffering. He's not sleeping well. He feels safer here, despite everything.

So now Josh is staying with me.

I'm being normal with him but I guess I kind of messed up. When he tries to get a hug or something, I move away. I found him crying day before yesterday about this. I feel like shit for it. I told him to give me time and that I do love him. He's shaken beyond anything and he used to be loud and brash and now he's none of those things. He has circles under his eyes and he's always tired and just quiet.

I'm talking to my therapist about it and he told me to let him in bit by bit. And that he faced his own sort of trauma. I've started being more physically affectionate like I used to be and that seems to make him relieved. It's just been a week so I hope he gets better. A lot of you told me to leave him be but when these two kids were born, I was there. I was very involved in their lives.

He's asked about Lou and if he can see her but when I said not yet, he seemed to understand. He drew a card for her but I'm holding on to it for now.

His psychologist says he feels guilty. There's a lot of guilty inside of him and he's not dealing with it well. I took him to the movies today. It was something he;d been waiting for for a while but he just slept through it all.

I'm worried but his psychologist tells me to give him time and love.

My parents were pissed by the way. As was my brother and SIL. I got phonecalls from all of them. SIL showed up at my house. I'm considering moving. It's just not safe. My entire family is losing their shit. I have apparently destroyed their reputation, an entire family, and etc.

Lou is good. Lou is thriving. A two parent household is good for her, like many of you said. She used to call a lot but those calls have lessened over these past two weeks. Which is good for her i guess. She's adjusting. My cousin and his wife adore her. Her cousins like having her there.

I started therapy. It's going okay.

My leg is better and my face is looking less like a child went at it with crayons.

I still have nightmares. But my focus is on Josh right now so that has me distracted.

A note from your reposter: Seeing some questions in the comments about the timeframe. Remember they aren't in the US. OOP describes their home as a third world country. Also, it doesn't sound like this is a final, official placement. The kids have to be placed somewhere immediately where they are both physically and mentally safe. It doesn't seem odd to me that they had an immediate kinship placement.

🔴🔴🔴🔴

Editors note:

Between the last post and this new one, our OP posted a few more times about changing careers and struggling with depression. You can ind those on her profile.*

Dec 15th Update

Update - Niece and Nephew

I've been getting so many messages for an update (also I'm sorry for not replying to all of them. Things have been hectic for a while)

Lou has settled in with my cousin's family quite well. Phone calls have decreased from her end but when I do check up on her, she's thriving there. I feel like I'm a reminder of her worst times and that's probably why she doesn't contact me much. I'm happy for her. It's better she be safe and happy than look back at her past which I'm a part of. Her school has been changed. My cousin and his wife have started the legal adoption process. I was trying to send her money every now and then but my cousin told me that I don't have to. She's not using her Etsy account all that much either but she gets pocket money and I got her a small mickey mouse moneybox to save money in.

As for Josh, he's going to be removed from my care soon. He's doing well with me but his therapist says that he too needs a fresh start. I have family in another city (first cousins). They have a son around Josh's age. They reached out to me and asked if they could take Josh in. They've heard of everything and I think they want to help. I've taken him to visit them twice so far. I've explained things to him so has his therapist. The thing is that I can't take custody of him in the legal sense because I'm single. I mean I can, but the legal hula hoops I have to go through are going to take time and the past might be rehashed which won't be good for him. Also, the SS lady who's been with us throughout considers this the best course of action for Josh.

Like I said, Josh has been doing better now. But with everything that happened, his school friends know about what he did and he's lost friends. Nearly all of them. When I mentioned him potentially being adopted, he asked if he would go to a new school and be able to make new friends. I think that's what he wants desperately. He's changed as well, quiet, depressed. He misses Lou but not their parents. Lou misses him as well. But the damage to both of them is of the kind that they need to recover individually first.

His therapist is adamant he not be in touch with his parents or grandparents. Or even Lou for now. From what I've been told, Josh went through a different trauma but since I'm not a legal guardian, he can't share any details with me. So, I think, in another couple of months, Josh will be gone from here as well. If it's the best decision for him, then that's what I'll do. I've been teaching him how to write letters and post them. My dad taught me when I was young and I used to love it. Josh also enjoys doing it. He's written two letters to his therapist who encouraged the idea. He promised to write me letters once he's gone. Since everything, his social media presence has been erased. For his safety.

I've been in a weird place. Things have been hard. I ended up applying to a graduate job position. A couple of them. I just wanted to leave the country now. Once Lou and Josh are settled, their therapists want to minimize my role in their lives. Anyway, I got rejected from all of the jobs. That had me down for a while. I got a cat though. Once Josh is gone as well, I don't want to be lonely. If I have something to love and care for, I think I'll be okay. My cat thinks she owns me, though.

I'm going to finish my certifications, keep applying for jobs, outside of my country as well, and inside. Maybe something will come up. It's so easy to just give up when the going gets tough. And it's so easy to not see everything I've been blessed with and focus on the negatives. I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying to be positive about the future.

My parents did reach out to me. Not to yell at me this time but just to talk. They looked older than they are and weary. My brother and SIL got a divorce or they're in the process of it. Brother was arrested when he broke into SIL's house at night. He had some 'stuff' with him. For some reason, SIL was expecting him to and she called the police, locking herself in her room. Brother's been arrested again. My parents haven't bailed him out this time. I never asked why. The whole thing is a mess. My parents asked to see Josh and I refused. I told them why. I said a lot to them. They didn't argue this time. Just listened and left.

I didn't want to be a part of this drama. I miss them because they're my parents but too much has happened. SIL has not reached for her kids even once. There's an RO against my brother and he's not allowed to approach me or the kids so I've not heard from him either.

I think Josh and Lou will soon be happy and well-settled in their lives, and more importantly, loved. All in all, for them, this is as happy of an ending as it can be, given the circumstances. I'll be fine, I guess. I'm trying to focus on my certifications and see where they take me.

I have a cat now. Just wanted to tell everyone that again. And she's really cute and vicious which makes me happy.

Jan 1st Update

Last Update

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me during this tumultuous journey. You offered love, advice, well wishes and everything from the sun to the moon and I'm grateful. I know I barely reply to messages but know that I have read all of them.

To all those who offered help (financial, job wise, listening ears) I appreciate it, but I have never been good at accepting help (something I'm still addressing in therapy). But the gestures touched me. You all made me feel like all I had to do was reach out and someone would hold my hand and that meant a freaking lot to me.

For me, writing out these things helped, venting out to all of you when I couldn't see past my own nose was helpful in a way you might not understand. It's been a terrible couple of months and my life has changed a lot. And I have this community to thank for that as well.

For the update, Lou is thriving which is great. Josh has also left. He's settling in with his new family. Both kids have my number and know I will be there for them when needed. But I'm not going to focus on my life: lose weight, try to become active, focus on my data analyst courses, focus on my writing, maybe self publish in the future, who knows.

I'm 29. I want to travel, work on myself. The children are happy or will be, hopefully. And that has me at ease.

I made this update because I know all of you have been part of this journey and sometimes some journeys need to be clearly wrapped up with a bow. Fortunately, Josh and Lou will grow to be strong and emotionally intelligent individuals. I wanted you all to know that. I won't be making any more updates for them now. I'll still be on reddit but this chapter is closed now.

I want the kids happy and I think they will be now. And maybe when they're older, they might find these posts but that is a long time coming.

So, thank you all. I appreciate all of your kindness and prayers and thoughts. You've given me more strength than you realize.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED OOP is legally the father of a child who isn't his, and the mother just passed away.

13.7k Upvotes

Original Posted by u/notthefather81 in r/legaladvice on 09 Jul 2022

[CA/NC] I am legally the father of a child who isn't mine, and the mother just passed away.

I got married when I was 18 to a woman. We decided to split up a little over 2 years later because I realized I was gay. I moved to CA, and she moved around as well, but apparently settled in NC. No, I don't have some compelling reason to why we didn’t file for divorce or even a formal separation. It just never seemed like a priority and over the years was easy to forget. We weren't exactly calling each other all the time or ever. In fact, I haven't spoken to her since the day I moved to CA over 17 years ago.

In that time, she had a child who is now 14 years old. My "spouse" recently passed away. I didn't think about this at the time, but since I was still married to her, I am legally the father of her child. I'm on the birth certificate, as was required by law at the time. Now there's the issue of that fact that I'm now the "surviving spouse", but more urgently the sole legal parent of what is emotionally and biologically a random teenager. The estate is an issue too, but less so than an entire PERSON.

One of her mother's friends is willing to take in the child, but she's afraid that if I contest paternity, she wouldn't be approved by social services as a foster parent and the child would have to face foster care, so she wants me to just give her temporary guardianship to run out the clock. I don't know anything about how any of that or contesting paternity would work. I know that foster care isn't exactly good for older kids and I don't want to ruin this kid's life if there's another option, but more informal arrangements don't seem like a good idea either. I don't want some random kid living with me nor do I think she would want that either. What do I do?

Edit: Of course her child is the proper sole heir/inheritor of her mother's estate and I will fix that as well when it is possible.

Edit 2: we do not know the bio father and he is not involved.

Update Posted by u/notthefather81 in r/legaladvice on 16 Sep 2022

Update: [CA/NC] I am legally the father of a child who isn't mine, and the mother just passed away.

It's been...an eventful few months, but things have settled down now for the most part. Things have happened. It's nothing super exciting or dramatic, but here's the news.

I've met the mother's friend and the daughter. We talked it over, in exhausting detail, and went over absolutely everything we and our lawyers (she also engaged with one as well) could think of. We decided that it was best that I stay as the legal father. The mother's friend was adamant that she only wanted power of attorney, and nothing more, which the lawyers approved. SSI is put in a shared account that only I and the child are joint on. She has access to the bank card. The child is enrolled in school and I was able to get her on my insurance, even though it is going to be more expensive due to her seeing doctors out of state (technically).

The condo has been sold and that money has been added to her 529, which we hope will cover her for college. I've been working with my lawyer and a financial advisor on how to handle the finances, and we have a game plan for how to save as much of the estate for the child as possible, which mostly means that her mother's personal funds are in various savings accounts that I'll transfer to her when she's 21 or graduates college.

On a personal level, we've obviously exchanged numbers and stay in contact. The mother's friend is insisting on legal distance for herself due to some personal things that she doesn’t want to affect the child. It is a weird situation, but the child feels safe with her and I would also judge it as safe. We're not planning on her coming to live with me or any kind of instant father thing, but she is coming to visit for Christmas and may visit for some of the summer if that goes well.

TL;DR We have a working (so far) agreement and everyone is as stable and happy as they can be under the circumstances. Sorry if that's boring.

I am not the OP

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 14d ago

CONCLUDED TIFU by not telling my husband about a lottery I won years ago

9.0k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by deleted user in r/tifu

 

ORIGINAL POST + UPDATE - 01st March 2022

Throwaway account because some of my friends/family know my real one

The lottery winning took place back in August 2014. Mike and I were married in October 2014. It wasn't a fortune, but enough to make a difference. After taxes it came out to right around $480,000. Most people would be over the moon, but I panicked. I didn't want our life to turn upside down because we had extra money now.

I was still legally single at the time, and so I was able to accept it anonymously without the need to tell anyone else. So I didn't. Tell anyone else. Not a single soul. Not my husband, my parents, siblings, best friends, etc. Only the state and federal governments.

(My husband has a tendency to spend on things we don't need and that aren't going to benefit us in the long run so I didn't want our money to blown quickly on stupid stuff like cars and clothes.)

I opened a new bank account with a national credit union and put the check in. Got started with a financial advisor (Keith), who guided me into investing in local businesses and real estate. And that's that. It's been sitting there since, just growing.

Flash forward to today. I'm doing dishes getting ready to start making dinner, and my phone rings. I can't get to it but figure I'll call them back. Then I get a text. No big deal. I'll get to it in a minute....but husband came into the kitchen and glanced at my phone to let me know who text me and called me (which he always does if my hands are full).

It's Keith. He called and text me to let me know my account just hit $1 million after one of the energy companies I invested in soared recently.

My husband is stunned. Has no clue what to even say, staring at me until he says "we have a million dollars??" I was so flushed but finally just sat him down and explained the situation. He's clearly mad at me for never telling him. Asks if my family knows, and I tell him that no one knows except the IRS and Keith.

It took him a few hours to finally be able to really talk to me.. at the end of the silence he told me he's proud of me for investing into our future but he needs a few days to clear his head because he feels like I hid a huge part of "myself" from him.

We might just need to take a vacation now.

TL;DR I won a lottery in 2014 and never told my husband until he learned that I grew the money to a million today.

Edit: I already have people messaging me asking if they can have money. Jesus. This is why I didn't tell anyone!!

Update - 1: My husband and I just spoke on the phone for about an hour. He told me he's staying with his best friend/coworker tonight but that he's not angry. He agreed he would have spent the money on dumb things if he'd won it and is happy that I put it away. Little less happy that I didn't tell him about it for so long, but he said he doesn't care and doesn't want this getting in the way of our marriage.

Update - 2: Hello! Jesus I didn't know this would blow up so much. I've been at work and talking to my husband Mike all day, basically laying down some ground rules for the money moving forward. He will not tell anyone (didn't tell his friend!) and we will only dip in for emergencies and pre-discussed things. A few people asked in the comments how much we make a year, I guess to see where we'd be without this money. I currently make around 60k and Mike makes more at around 85k. So to all the ones saying I "starved him" or "made him scrounge" that is not true lol. We make a good amount.

I have no clue how to post all of the screenshots of the clowns in my inbox, but I'll try to put something in the comments!!

 

Comment - How could you hide it for so long? What do you do when you get a 1099 every year?

Hey! So I handle our taxes every year and have since before we got married. I made a business account through my credit union and handle all of that money separate from everything else. My accountant could probably tell you more, she has handled the winnings since 2016. But my husband has never looked at our taxes after getting married

Comment - Get a new Keith, why didn't he send an email or leave a message to call back?

Yeah, I initially was pretty upset that Keith would text me something so sensitive. He usually calls and leaves me a voicemail or text to call him back or sends an email if it's not super important. I think he was just excited. I've worked with him for 8 years now and he cares about me a lot on a professional level. So I can't be too angry with him.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 17d ago

CONCLUDED I slapped my girlfriend out of reflex when she woke me up with oral (TOMC Jan 4, '23)

9.1k Upvotes

Originally posted by u/maleficentrisk6279 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Jan 1 ,'23, updated Jan 4, '23.

TW Ahead: DID YOU KNOW, One female cat can give birth to over 150 kittens in her lifetime? This number does not account for her grandkittens, great-grandkittens, and so forth. Spaying one cat can save literally hundreds of lives. Let me know if you need help finding low-cost spay and neuter clinics and/or TNR in your area. Please spay & neuter.

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Trigger Warning: Rape, PTSD, child molestation

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Original post

I (m21) slapped my girlfriend (f20) out of reflex when i woke up to her doing certain things to me.

Using a throwaway for this. I guess i have to put a TW for sexual assault here.

I feel horrible for what i did. How do i even start this?

Let me just start by saying that i would never slap her intentionally. Let alone hurt her in any way. My girlfriend has a very high sex drive unlike me and therefore she is the one to initiate sex most of the time. It took me a few years to fully trust her but she was such a loving and caring person who understood my trauma and was always able to control herself even with her high sex drive.

When i was a child i was sexually molested by my own egg donor. I remember how she covered my mouth with her hand while holding me down and i tried to scream and defend myself. But i was just a little boy and she was a grown woman. I wouldn't call her mother because thats not what mothers do. This traumatized me and it destroyed every relationship i tried to built with a woman. It was hard for me to trust one until my girlfriend appeared. And she always respected my consent so far.

Yesterday evening she wanted to have sex and i told her i wasn't in the mood right now and then i turned around. I woke up in the middle of the night to my blanket gone and her doing oral sex. My heart started beating really fast. All the anxiety i felt as a child came back and before i realized i slapped her so hard she fell of my side of the bed. I immediately realized what i just did. The only thing i thought about was that i slapped her. She held her cheek while looking at me with a shocked face before starting to cry.

I wanted to comfort her and apologize but she ran out of the room into the bathroom where she cried her eyes out and then she went to sleep on the couch. I apologized repeatedly but she refuses to talk to me. I feel so bad. I know i am a horrible person and there is no excuse for this. But what can i do so that she speaks to me again? Is there anything i can do so she forgives me?

Update 3 days later

UPDATE: I (m21) slapped my girlfriend (f20) out of reflex when i woke up to her doing certain things to me.

When i made the original post i definitely didn't thought it would blow up like this. And i certainly didn't expect the comments to be so one sided. And i didn't expect them to be on my side. I expected nothing but people telling me how horrible i was and i felt that this would be the only comment i deserved.

But after reading literally thousands of comments i slowly began to realize what actually happened there. You have to understand that this moment shocked me to the core and this shock still was there when i uploaded the original post. I saw myself as the absolutely disgusting women-beater because of it.

I never wanted to hurt anyone but i realized now that it was a trauma response. When i woke up to her going down on me it felt like my whole body was controlled by someone else. Like i was controlled by strings that forced me to react like that.

And the more comments i read the more i was sure about that. One day after the post, after thousands of comments from reddit but also from Tiktok and many DM's i talked to her about it and i broke up with her. Because all of this made me realize that my perspective of "loving and caring" was pretty f*cked up. I realized that she showed me the bare minimum of compassion someone should have in a relationship and i noticed many toxic patterns i haven't realized before. But going into them now would not only be irrelevant to the actual topic but it also would take way to long for this update post. Btw. she refused to apologize to me and demanded an apology from me.

Besides my now ex girlfriend i only had one friend. I don't have an actual mother or a father. I don't have grandparents or siblings. Just this one friend. So i really lack of healthy bonds in my life. Breaking up with her was a hard thing to do but it was necessary. She currently stays with her mum who also called me yesterday to ask why i broke up with her. And i saw no reason to lie and just told her everything. She was quiet on the phone for a while and then just told me her daughters ex boyfriend broke up with her for a similar reason. She said it wasn't the same situation but a similiar one and then she apologized.

She didn't go into details, but if I'm interpreting it correctly, my ex seems to have a thing for traumatized men. But again there is no evidence to support that claim. Thats just how i would interpret this conversation with her mum.

So what am i going to do now? Well i'm going to therapy and probably won't enter a new relationship any time soon. I focus on myself and i have to heal. No i won't press charges because that would mean that i would have to deal with it in a negative way and put energy into it that i just don't have. I hope you can understand that. Her mom is probably going to punish her anyway.

And losing the respect of a person you love dearly, I can imagine thats worse than what she would get as a punishment from the court.

As for you, I would like to thank you all for your comments. The comments you left on the original post, the private messages but also all the comments you left on the tiktok posts that shared my story. if you left a comment on one of the tiktoks, chances are i've read it. Thank you all so much!

Reminder that I am not the original poster

Flairing this concluded as OP is trying to move on and doesn't want to file a police report

r/BestofRedditorUpdates 10d ago

CONCLUDED OOP - TIFU by taking my wedding ring off at the gym

11.2k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/brooquad in r/tifu

 

ORIGINAL POST + UPDATES - 10th January 2023

TIFU up taking my wedding ring off at the gym.

Longtime lurker, first time poster and I am posting from my phone so please forgive formatting.

I have just recently arrived home following this FU. I, a very happily married 36M with a small herd of children have been going to the gym in my little town since November 2022. I always go after getting the kids to bed which generally puts me there around 830pm.

The gym I go to has two rooms. One has cardio equipment (ellipticals, treadmills, bikes etc) the other room has free weights and various other torture devices.

My routine begins the same every time with 9.1-9.5 miles on the bike, which leaves me in a state similar to that of a walrus that has just managed to pull himself onto an iceberg, very wet and breathing heavy. This process takes me to about 8:55 pm. I enjoy hitting weights at this time because the gym is often (not always) empty and it leaves me to grunt and groan in peace. Tonight the gym was not empty when I entered the weight room.

Now I mentioned that I have been going to the gym since early November. In that time I have gotten used to the people that do spend time in the gym past 9 and this person was new. Not a big deal, she had brought her own yoga mat (the ones in the gym are blue and red and this one was tyedyeish) and she had her phone set up on a stand, I assumed she was making a video. Both of these observations were made as I walked down to my trusty bench to start my bent over rows.

I grabbed my dumbbells and sat down to continue my ritual and TIFU. I always remove my wedding ring before I lift and tuck it in my right sock for safe keeping. If I try to wear it, it digs into my hand and makes things most unpleasant. So I start grunting out reps with ol’ righty and just nicely switched to lefty when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So I stopped what I was doing and turned to see new girl standing behindish me sporting a menacing glare and wielding her iPhone. I popped out my ear bud and asked what was up. The following conversation is as I remember it.

Me: Hey, what’s up?

New Girl: You’re disgusting.

Me: Excuse me?

NG: You saw me in here and took off your ring, planning on chatting me up? (This is a little paraphrased, she swore a little too and I wasn’t taking perfect notes)

Me: What?

NG: You’re gross.

Me: Ok.

I proceeded to put my earbuds back in and get to work while she stormed to the other side of the gym and started packing up her stuff. I watched her head for the exit while I was resting between sets. Anyway, I’m rowing away and out of no where I’m blasted with a cascade of liquid which leads me to drop my dumbbell and spin around to see what’s going on. There’s new girl with her recently emptied pink yeti screaming at me ( I’m assuming for being gross, it was unclear as I had my buds in still.) I remove my ear buds so I can understand her and she storms away. I think the highlight of the exchange is that my gym shirt now smells like vodka. Do most people drink at the gym? Am I doing this wrong?

I’m home, showered and explained why my shirt smells like I’ve had a raging party to my wife. We’ve both had a good laugh. If I see new girls video on social media I’ll be sure to share it here. I don’t know who she was but it’s a pretty small town so it might pop up. Cheers.

TL;DR I took off my wedding ring at the gym causing a lady I’ve never met before to go bananas.

UPDATE 1: Well this got a lot of attention! So I had emailed the gym owner last night at the request of my wife. (She feels the same as many of you that this lady could be dangerous to others). He has already emailed back. Apparently new girl received a ban early 2022 for aggressive behaviour with another gym patron. Owner is going to call me later today for some follow up.

I will definitely look into the silicone rings, thanks everybody!

UPDATE 2: Final Update. I had initially planned on responding to a bunch of the comments but there are just so many…

Anyway, new girls previous aggression was verbal. The gym owner has deactivated her key fob and placed her on perma ban. He has also called a few of the smaller gyms in the area to give them a heads up (super cool dude).

Thanks everybody for the thoughts and advice. I know I’ve let a bunch of you down by not pressing charges etc. But I also know I have made many of you proud by completing my cardio after lifting tonight. Before I left for the gym tonight my wife recommended a rain coat for protection (she’s the best).

That’s all for now unless the video surfaces. Cheers.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.