r/cats • u/KaizokuOni55 • May 16 '23
Have to say goodbye tomorrow. Mourning/Loss
My bf has to say goodbye to his best friend of 16 years. She's saved his life and is his licensed support animal. What can I do to help him through this grief and honor her memory?
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u/MistaMischief May 16 '23
Had this shadowbox made when my girl Cali died. Just an idea for you.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
I'm sorry for your loss. Cali looks like a lovely lady. Thank you for the beautiful suggestion.
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u/FoodstampWelfare Siamese (Traditional Thai) May 16 '23
I got this for the last one I had cremated and it is her actual paw print.
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u/MistaMischief May 16 '23
Yeah same. We didnt get Cali cremated, which I regret, but that’s her actual paw prints and fur.
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u/Sammakko660 May 17 '23
For a previous cat, I didn't want the ashes, but was happy to get a paw print.
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u/weetwoo4 May 16 '23
That’s beautiful. Could I ask how you made the paw print?
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u/AngelicCakeee May 17 '23
I work at a vet clinic ! Our cremation company does our paw prints but I made my own at home the last time I had to put one of my babies to sleep , I used white air dry clay ! Rolled it out thin and used a cookie cutter to shape it then I smooshed my baby's paws into it (a bit hard) to hold the print . It has her nails and some of her fur imprints on it and it's a very sentimental item for me since I made it myself and was the one to press her paws into it while she was still around .
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u/ithrowawaay May 17 '23 edited May 17 '23
Such a good call- I want to commemorate us together, while I have that luxury.
Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion.
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u/Living_Life1962 May 17 '23
We have the urns, paw prints, pics, and collars. It helps, and when I walk by I remember the love and joy our fur babies brought us.
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u/MistaMischief May 16 '23
It was done at the vet. After they took her body they made the paw prints and gave us the hair.
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u/Katerina_VonCat May 17 '23
I’ve don’t the prints with my cats. I used Crayola model magic. Made disks and pressed their paws into it. Then let the disks dry. Worked beautifully! I never liked the ones done after they were gone by the vet. They didn’t look natural to me. So doing it while my babies are still alive was so much better for me.
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u/Samiiiibabetake2 May 17 '23
I am so sorry to hijack your thread, but would you mind sharing how you affixed the clay to the backing? I am wanting to do something similar for my pup I just recently had to put down, and I’m having a difficult time finding an answer.
Your memorial is lovely, and I’m sorry for your loss🖤
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u/MistaMischief May 17 '23
This was all done at Michael’s. The shadowbox was made by them and I chose the backing. Then they glued it all. I brought everything to the store so we could get the layout and measurements to be precise and once the shadowbox was constructed they glued it all for me.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Michael's will help with a shadowbox!? 😭 Thank you for this info! I got a shadowbox and plan to get a clipping of fur, and her paw prints inked on paper. I want to find my bf favorite picture of her and put it in there with a favorite toy. It a relief to know I can get help putting it together ❤️
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u/MistaMischief May 17 '23
I had this entire thing built there. I chose the frame and backing and then we did the measurements. It was a bit prices but worth it
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
1000% worth it. I already bought a shadowbox, a vial to store some fur clippings, and some ink and paper to make paw prints. 🐾 😭 We are a mess rn.
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u/MistaMischief May 17 '23
Cali died almost two years ago. I talked about her the other day and I cried. It really takes time. Grief is ok, guilt isn’t. Just remember that.
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u/caseycat55 May 17 '23
If you are taking the cat to a vet's office, many of them will do that footprint for you. At least they do if you're in the United States. I really like the idea of doing a shadow box. I'm so sorry your cat has to leave you and your BF. I'm sure she would have stayed longer if her body wasn't so tired and worn out. You are doing the last and kindest thing that you can do for her, which is to help her cross peacefully. Godspeed, little.one.💔
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May 17 '23
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u/Duncan-Donnuts May 17 '23
what?
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u/kneega928 May 17 '23
You heard me
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u/Wild_Blackberry8332 May 16 '23
You're in my thoughts.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Thank you. I'm so sad for him. She's family.
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 May 16 '23
Just be there for him. Hold his hand and her paw.
This is the hardest part, when they go. It's going to be painful for you both. Be ready with tissues and hugs.
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u/LoverboyQQ May 16 '23
This is heart breaking. He needs time to mourn
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
I will give him as much time as he needs. His job is the problem. I'm hoping he can have today and tomorrow at the very least.
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u/FourFurryCats May 16 '23
I'm real sorry that your BF has come down with a serious case of gastroenteritis.
He should let work know that the illness should be subsided enough to come in the office in a couple of days.
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u/Wild_Blackberry8332 May 16 '23
They are family! It's okay to be sad.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Thanks. I want to do something special for him to remember her by. I'm not sure what, yet. She deserves to be remembered.
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u/DhibeCakes55 May 16 '23
When my MIL's cat died, she found a masonry business and they were able to create a cat statue. She put the statue over the grave and put the cat's collar on the statue. She visits the statue every so often. Now this might not be yours' thing but it's an idea
EDIT: the statue was no more than knee high and actually wasn't that expensive, less than $100.
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u/FoodstampWelfare Siamese (Traditional Thai) May 16 '23
I have had all of my babies cremated and I have them for when it's my time, I want them put in the casket with me.
I still have their collars and name tags too.
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u/human060989 May 16 '23
I plan to scatter the ashes in a butterfly garden once so get it planted. My girl loved to watch butterflies and lay outside in the shade.
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u/LadyMcRib May 16 '23
I am so sorry for his loss. You can have her cremated and plant a tree with her ashes. This is what we have done. I wish your boyfriend peace and love. May he feel her energy in every living thing and on the breeze that moves between the leaves of the trees.
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u/MonsoonQueen9081 May 16 '23
Maybe set up a special little spot. Get her paw print, some of her fur, her ashes, and some flowers with a picture. Maybe a little candle. Make a beautiful little space so both of you can still go sit with her.
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u/Either_Marsupial_123 Siberian May 16 '23
Lots of things you can do. My first step was having a vet come to the house to do it; less traumatic for kitty and human. I also had a shadow box made, an urn locket for a couple of whiskers, as well as an urn box. My boy will be with me forever. (Am I weird in that I save every whisker I can find?)
Like your kitty, mine was definitely an emotional support animal (not licensed, but should have been; he clung like Velcro to me during many difficult and stressful times in life because he knew I needed it. If I were physically sick… different story 😂).
Squeak passes a few months ago at 18.5 years. His story is scattered around here and in my profile so I won’t go into it all, but I still grieve his loss every day.
/clinician on:
Just recognize that grief is normal (this is where my professional side comes out):
- The five stages of grief are real, however, they don’t follow any logical order, nor do they “resolve” once you’ve been through each stage. With emotional bonds like this, it will come and go in waves over the course of your life; the triggers can be completely random. It will change you, but in a bittersweet kind of way.
- Not everyone experiences grief the same way. However a person experiences it, is normal and healthy, so long as we’re not talking about self-neglect, violence out of frustration, or suicidal ideation. It may not match your experience. That’s totally fine.
- Not every person experiences grief the same way, each time they have a loss. My loss of my dad felt different than the other significant losses I’ve had over the last few years. It doesn’t make one less than the other, it’s just the brain’s own natural way of processing.
- Find a way to process the loss in a positive way. I learned with mine, that I needed to keep my hands busy, especially on tasks that didn’t require a whole lot of thought. It allowed me to focus on my hands, calm my brain, and dissociate -just- enough to let it process, rather than overwhelm me and make me unable to function. It may sound funny, but with my dad, it meant doing lots of random, pointless tinkering on my car (we spent a lot of time on cars together). With everyone else, I built legos. Lots and lots of legos.
- Provide reassurance. You won’t feel exactly what he’s feeling but you’ll be impacted all the same. Be encouraging and remember, it’s a journey you’re making together.
- Look into grief support groups. They can be tremendously helpful. There’s also such thing as clinical care for pet loss (as pet loss is often thought of as being different and sometimes more difficult than other kinds of loss, apart from child loss), so maybe seek a therapist who specializes in grief and/or pet loss grief. To some folks it may seem ridiculous but it really, REALLY can be impactful.
- F*ck anyone who says, “it’s just a cat.” (That’s my personal .02$)
- This one depends on the person: don’t necessarily reject the idea of another animal. With some folks the healing process may require distance and separation; others, like myself, may find themselves more negatively impacted by the lack of presence.
When Squeak died, I rejected entirely the thought of more loss. I’d had two difficult pet losses in a year. But as the weeks went by, I recognized that rather than healing, the empty space and lack of “presence” was making my depression worse. Knowing that my relationship with Squeak would never be met in an identical way, I still went out and found a pair of girls to bring home. My relationship with them will never match what I had with him, and that’s okay. It’s healthier to recognize that as an unrealistic expectation. That doesn’t mean I will have a bad relationship with them, or not care (because I spoil them rotten), it just means it will be different. I also made a point to adopt a pair of littermates so they would have each other while I was still working my way through my grieving, rather than me unfairly putting that responsibility on a single cat. This is allowing for their own healthy, mental and emotional development (they were 7 months when I adopted them). But, I will freely say that having life in the house again after so many years with a senior, has been a breath of fresh air, uplifting, and makes me laugh. I adopted them a month to the day after Squeak passed and it was at least a week before I fully became comfortable with the idea, but I also recognized it was what I needed.
Go at your own pace. Recognize that you will likely process this differently from each other, but have patience and love for each other.
(Also since Squeak’s nickname was Pusheen, I got myself a Pusheen squishmallow to hug whenever I need a good cry. I’m 44, and I love my plushie. It sounds ridiculous, but trust me, it’s healthy.)
/clinician off
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u/silchi May 17 '23 edited May 18 '23
I love that you included a favorite toy in the shadow box. I always “retire” a pet’s favorite toy when they pass and keep it with their fur clipping/paw print. :)
And if you’re weird for saving whiskers, then I’m the grand wizard of oddballs. I keep whiskers in a tiny cork-stoppered jar. I feel like it’s something I may need one day for a potion, like it’s something a sorcerer would keep in their bag of holding, y’know? I’m hoping when I die and people have to go through my stuff they’ll wonder what the hell I was up to. I strive to provide people with wtf moments even after I’m gone.
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u/Either_Marsupial_123 Siberian May 17 '23
The crinkle ball and his fuzzy ball had both been with him since he was a kitten (we brought him home around 8 weeks old). He stopped playing with them a few years ago, but we kept them around anyway.
I’m going to be transferring this stuff to a larger shadow box, to include my roommate’s cat who’d passed away a few months before Squeak did, I just haven’t gotten around to it. He was as attached to her as I was to Squeak. She was weird, though, in that her favorite toys were balls made of her own hair from grooming her. 😂 She carried those things ALL OVER, hahaha!
Re whiskers: I saved them because I read somewhere that they had protective properties (I can’t remember what, now). When he passed, I went all over the house to his favorite spots and picked up every one I could find. I have one taped to my monitor as well. It’s the little things… 😭
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Oh god, guys. I got home, and she was lying on the floor and couldn't lift her head well. I started sobbing when I saw her like that. As soon as I started crying, she weakly got up and crawled under the bed. 😭 She's trying to hide.
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u/Either_Marsupial_123 Siberian May 16 '23
If you can, and there’s a local vet in the area who’s willing to do house calls (where I live there’s an agency that specializes in it as well as cremation services), call them up and see if they’ll come out ASAP. Otherwise, you’ll have to go to an emergency vet, which can be traumatic. It sounds like she may have had a stroke, so chances are high you won’t be able to wait until tomorrow.
I had to make the last second choice myself, with Squeak. We had a date set but one morning I realized he was too weak to walk across the room to the litter box, so I brought it over to him (he was so self conscious and aware, he wouldn’t just go where he was). He fell over inside it, and I just knew it was that day and we had no other choice.
My heart breaks for you both. No one ever talks about how traumatic this is for the humans, too. 😞
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u/Limp-Information-703 May 16 '23
I'm sorry you're both having to deal with this 😔
When all 4 of my cats eventually passed, and then my wife's guinea pigs passed we got each other engraved keyrings with our pets names on to remember them by.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your wife are doing alright. I appreciate the keychain idea. That is sweet.
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u/Limp-Information-703 May 16 '23
Thank you, that's very kind. This all happened quite a few years ago now so we are OK now.
To be fair I think anything you do would be appreciated by your bf, my wife just hugged me when I got a phone call about one of my cats and that was all I needed at that moment.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
I'm glad to hear you both are doing alright. I plan to hug and cuddle them both when I get home.
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u/Lhamo55 Chantilly-Tiffany May 16 '23
Just be there whenever possible to offer support and companionship. Can you be with him for the last appointment, perhaps you could drive?
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
I already let my boss know that I am taking tomorrow off to be with them. I plan to drive there and back. I wish I could do more.
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u/Lhamo55 Chantilly-Tiffany May 16 '23
You are a 24k pure solid gold kind of good friend in a world of flaky plated ones.🙏🏽
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Aww, thank you. It's my bf, but I'd run at the drop of a hat for anyone going through this. The grief can be debilitating.
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u/MegaTarper May 16 '23
I’d just hug him a lot. Sometimes randomly and stuff. I think that’s what I’d want.
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u/aluked Brazilian Shorthair May 16 '23 edited May 16 '23
- Outdoor memorials are always nice, like planting a tree or flowering plant as a memorial.
- A paw print. It can be then framed, etc.
- I'm personally a fan of spreading the love. Find a local shelter and make a donation in her name. Maybe buy a bunch of some toy or treat she loved and donate that.
- Create a scrapbook with memories of the good stuff, something that tells her story.
All of that said, you're already doing the most important thing. You clearly care and understand that she means a lot to him. Having someone that validates your feelings and is there for you while you go through this is essential.
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u/RoosterTheReal May 16 '23
I’m so sorry. It really sucks. She’s been gone 10 years this month and I still miss her.
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u/SuperStonedTone May 16 '23
I lost my boy 9 days ago. We found a tumor that was in his head after a long series of testing.... It really messed his balance up and I ended up having to syringe feed him the last few days. I spent every second I could with him before he had to sleep. Just be there and cherish the memories together, because things can change fast. I loved my little guy more than I could have ever imagined, rip Talib you'll never be forgotten. Sorry for your loss OP and I hope the best for you both.
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u/BigGayGinger4 May 17 '23
Mine 3 weeks ago.
He lost his balance so we took him in, and the vet thought it was probably vestibular disease, but could be a tumor.
It was the same thing. He went so fast. I had to syringe feed him. He died in my arms. Aslan was my first and best kitty ever and I didnt realize how much sharing these stories mattered until now. Thank you for sharing.
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u/BabyDooms May 16 '23
Aww that makes me so sad. Sorry you have to say goodbye. I wish we didn't have to let our fluffy friends go and could have them with us forever. I hope one day you both will meet again.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. ❤️🩹 While I wish we didn't have to say goodbye, I appreciate the time spent together.
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u/EasterBunnyArt May 16 '23
My condolences to you and your family. That is the price we pay for their tiny love and companionship.
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u/Wild_Blackberry8332 May 16 '23
Here's an idea- get a round paver - put a picture on it- cover it with a clear coat or epoxy. Plant a tree by the paver.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
That's a great idea. I appreciate it. His favorite plants are Gardenias. Maybe I can plant on in our yard in her name.
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u/Hasimo_Yamuchi May 16 '23
Strength to you and know that your beautiful angel will be holding you in her heart eternally ❤️🌻❤️
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u/lunalovegreat97 May 16 '23
I'm so sorry! It's a different kind of pain that he's about to go through.
Maybe get someone to draw a nice picture of them together? Maybe paint her paws on canvas for him? Or you could make him a show box with all of her favorite toys inside?
Anything for him to always remember her and have something to remind him of her.
Good luck to you both <3
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
Thanks so much for the suggestions. I'm leaving work early to try and put something together. ❤️
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u/Alyeska23 May 16 '23
The most important thing is just being there for him. Recognizing and understanding his loss. And you already do. There is no magic comfort. Help him remember the good times. Help him remember the goofy things his kitty used to do. Let him sit in silence if that's what he needs. Just be there for him and give him hugs. Your presence will be a comfort.
Do not surprise him with another cat. He needs time to grieve and heal.
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u/mrsk2012 May 16 '23
When our pet rabbit died, someone told me to write down all of the things I could remember about her. So I made a list and wrote things like remember how she used to flick her ears at me with an attitude, or remember the way she wiggled her nose at us. This helped me so much. Just being able to go back and smile at her habits and quirks has been a comfort.
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u/Interesting-Sample99 May 16 '23
Maybe a wood engraving or something like that off Etsy? I was looking on there the other day and there was a lot of different memorials from different shops. I was looking for my cat who died in January. I am still in the grieving process. I bought a Build a Bear cat off eBay. She looks a lot like my deceased cat. I hold the cat Build a Bear and feel comforted
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 16 '23
😭 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad the cat plushie brings you comfort. I appreciate your suggestions. I'd love to find a plushie that looks like her.
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u/Interesting-Sample99 May 16 '23
I couldn't find a plushie that would work well on Amazon or eBay when I looked. There's this idea, and I'll post one more
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u/FoodstampWelfare Siamese (Traditional Thai) May 16 '23
A collection of pictures would be great. Maybe a big book of them bound from somewhere like Shutterfly. Think of a wedding photo book--something like that!
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u/remaks69 May 16 '23
Is she double amputated? I have two disabled creatures and almost lost one early January, it was devastating.
Let him know that she had a great life, without him, she would have not been able to enjoy her best moments. We are all going to die.
Memento Mori.
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u/tomcarp555 May 17 '23
As a 70 year old man who never cries the loss of my 20 year old tortie tore me up. She got me thru cancer. Tears seems so strange. Glad I cried.
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u/DoubleNo2509 May 17 '23
I am so sorry, for both of you. You can't really do much then just be there for him. I had to say goodbye to my cat last friday, he was my best friend for 12 years. It will be a hard time for him and everyone who loved the kitty. I cremated my cat so he would be with me forever, but that's a personal choise. Tell him he can grieve openly, that will help him. Again, i'm so so sorry.
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u/Boo155 May 17 '23
I'm so sorry. What a beautiful girl. I'm a vet and have had lot of pets over the years....your shadowbox idea is perfect. Be sure to ask ahead of time about getting the pawprint and hair clipping. You can also get memorials...paving stones, for example. And cremation jewelry with a tiny amount of ashes incorporated in the crystal, often with a color of your choice. Paperweights as well. A friend of mine gets a tattoo of his dogs' faces with a bit of ashes in the ink.
Allow yourselves time to grieve. I still miss my first dog and she has been gone for 28 years. You will never 100% get over it, but you will learn to live with it, and smile instead of cry at the memories. They just don't live long enough, no matter how old they are when they go. ALSO, it's fine to feel relief when it is over. Even though euthanasia is often the last best gift we can give them, it's a terribly difficult decision to make and you may wonder if you did it too soon or left it too late. Don't do that to yourselves. You know her better than anyone and you are making that decision to spare her further suffering, which is the ultimate kindness.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you so much for your kind words. We needed to hear them. We were regretting not letting go sooner, but we appreciate the time we had with her before she passed. Just trying our best to keep it together.
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u/amerioca May 17 '23
I'm so sorry! I just lost mine in the early hours of this morning, 2 1/2 years was more than enough to make me a wreck.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Omg, I am so sorry for your loss, sweetheart! 😢 I hope you are taking care of yourself. No matter how much time they give us, we'll always want more. My thoughts are with you. ❤️🩹
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u/amerioca May 17 '23
I'm getting by, can't seem to stop shedding tears for very long, though. I hope you're doing OK as well! Internet hugs from afar!
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Internet hugs back to you, my friend. The same goes for us. It's waterfalls over here, too. I wish you happy memories. ❤
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u/Euphoric_Break_1796 May 16 '23
Plant her on a tree pot? I wish I thought about this sooner but I saw friends doing it and I would’ve loved to do that for my Kylo.
Buried my Kylo on a piece of land next to my condo building and it grew full of grass compared to when we buried him there where it was just soil. 🥹
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u/WorldlyPresence317 May 16 '23
Sending you and your boyfriend prayers and love.
You are an amazing girlfriend. So sweet to ask this group on his behalf during this difficult time
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u/whoisniko May 16 '23
I recently saw my sister-in-law do a paw print picture of their dog that past a couple of days ago. Something memorable for him, maybe? There is something where you can combine the paw print with the collar too
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u/xHeyItzRosiex May 16 '23
I got my cat’s footprints stamped on ink along with a tuft of his hair placed into a plastic bag so I can look at it and think of the good times I had with him.
I still miss him greatly and he’s been gone over a year, but he’s in a better place. I’m so sorry for your future loss, and your sweet friend will be in kitty heaven soon. It’s hard to let go, but you’re doing the right thing.
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u/Ready-Scientist7380 May 16 '23
Take pictures and print them out. Gather up her toys, collars, blankies. Put them all in a memory box for him. If the kitty is cremated, make sure you give the urn pride of place in your house. My hubby, kitties and dog all have their own special spots for their urns in my house.
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u/sanfranciscointhe90s May 16 '23
I got a small necklace with a little bit of my cat. Roland’s remains. And I was able to get a picture of his turned into a locket and I have them together and I wear them sometimes. Also, I’d recommend buying a plant or some flowers and planting the remains in soil with compost and then the plant or flowers above . That way when you smell the jasmine or lavender it’s your cat living on ! Also I had a massive hole in my heart since Roland passed this past January. A couple weeks ago I started fostering two feral cats that were pregnant. They are in kennels in my office and they gave birth to 5 kittens and 4 so total 9 and it really helped fill my heart ! I’m easing their stress and suffering and soon they’ll bring joy to new families
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u/nighthawke75 May 16 '23
Part of living. I'd suggest, after settling down, is to pay a visit to a shelter.
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u/MarylandDabs May 17 '23
It never gets easier. All my babies have been put down in my arms. Nothing is worse than leaving your cat alone in its final moments. All the unconditional love they give us. Although tuff I won't have it any other way. Ive heard some sad stories from vet techs of people leaving their animals alone in their final moments. My heart goes out to you both especially him. 💔
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u/WarriorOfVicissitude May 17 '23
I lost my 18.5yo kitty on May 2. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the absolute worst having to say goodbye.
I have a shadowbox made for my kitty with her favourite toys, collar, and spearmint gum (she got hyped up over the smell like it was catnip). There's a towel with her fur all over it that I tossed into a shoebox for safe keeping. The day after she passed, I spent a lot of time crawling on the floor, picking up little whiskers of hers that she shed and putting them into a jar. It felt like maybe if I found enough, I could somehow rebuild her.
She had always been there for emotional support. It's cruel irony that the creatures that help us get through the tough days aren't there to help us get through the toughest day.
I wish I had a recording of her purring. I miss her smell. But I do have plenty of videos of her being weird. I cherish those.
There's nothing you can do other than support each other through this tough time. Let the grief play out, though I've heard it never really goes away. I absolutely loved this Ted Talk and it helped me with my feelings of betrayal. Maybe share it with him if he feels guilty.
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u/maxx_lu0408 May 17 '23
I’m so sorry… I lost my emotional support cat in February. He was my safest place, gave me so much love, comfort and support. It was very hard. I got him cremated, the man from the business came the same day within the hour and I sent my sweet boy with his favorite toy, it helped a lot to have his ashes and decorate a small area to put his ashes and honor him. It’s very hard and painful, I’m really sorry this is happening.
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u/Extra_Button4609 May 17 '23
I’m so sorry your bf is experiencing this loss. We are saying goodbye to one of our babies tomorrow morning. He has cancer in his mouth and it happened so fast and has just been so horrible watching him decline and become a shadow of himself. He was always the sweetest, most loving, playful, talkative, and spirited kitty. Squeaky would be 15 in September along with his two siblings who we raised from birth after we found their momma outside our house (we still have Momma too). It’s such a hard decision to make, but it is for them and their peace.
I agree with what other people are saying here in terms of having her paw printed. I had to say goodbye to another sweet kitty, Rain, a few years ago and she had the softest fur. So in addition to having a paw print and her ashes in a pretty wooden box, I asked them to shave some of her fur for me and put it in a bag. I keep them all on my fireplace as a sort of alter space for her. My sister then asked me to send her some of my favorite photos of Rain and she had a blanket made with the photos. It was printed onto a super soft fiber blanket with sherpa wool on the other side. So I have a cozy blanket to wrap up in with sweet memories of her to look at. And every now and then I take that bag of fur and remember what it was like to snuggle with her. Another idea would be to make a slide show or reel of videos and photos of your bf and his kitty with some music or something? I know they have those digital photo frames that cycle thru a stock of photos you program.
Most of all, just make space for the grieving in all it’s forms and phases. I have a friend who keeps trying to tell me about Squeaky had such a good life (duh, I know!) and that at least I have other cats to snuggle with (also duh, but they can’t replace him.) I know she means well, but it’s not really helpful to me. I don’t need to be made to feel better, I just need to be allowed to feel. (My bf is doing a great job of that fortunately.) Anyway, I hope you’ve gotten some helpful notes here. ❤️
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u/KingKopter91 May 17 '23
I'm not crying! You are crying!
So sad... my thoughts are with you... can't even imagine how hard that is...
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u/TakkataMSF May 17 '23
There isn't too much you can do. Grief is something he has to work through on his own because we all experience it differently. I'd poke around online and read about grief and the emotions you can feel. People think of them as stages but there isn't a progression. You can feel multiple emotions at once. You can feel mad then sad then mad again.
A month ago I had to put my cat down unexpectedly. I'll mention what I went through but it doesn't mean your BF will.
- First thing I felt was just straight up pain. The loss was devastating.
- The next few days there was an emptiness in my life and in my home
- I had to adjust to Griff not being there
- I saw him out of the corner of my eye, or heard him. I still 'see' him
- I started feeling guilty, had I done the right thing? Should I have tried harder?
- I was also mad, his last day spent stressed at the vet. I couldn't do better for him
- He saved my life and that's what I do for him?
- There's no way I could have taken him home but that guilt still kills me
- I was mad that my cat was taken. He was amazing and I loved him more than anything.
- Why not take some asshole hurting people?
- By week 2 I wasn't crying as much. But had big breakdowns about twice per day
- I wasn't feeling the hollowness as much in the main rooms
- Still massive guilt for me. I couldn't get rid of my last memory of him
- It still hurts like hell
- I talked to friends of mine who put their cat down in Feb and hadn't told me. They said they were too broken up about to tell anyone right away.
- This helped because no one before said much about the impact it had.
- My work suffered. Trouble focusing.
- Later talked to another friend that said she took of 3 days bereavement.
- Week 3 I got the flipping sympathy cards which set me off again
- I could look at some pictures and videos to remind myself of what I loved
- Instead of missing him I was trying (advised by my therapist) to remind myself of the good times we had
- This is week 4 and it's mostly guilt left and loss
- Someone was talking to me about adopting another, I'm not ready but I'm open to the idea. Mostly because she said I could save another cat. Blackmail!
It's a long and rambly post. It's still kinda fresh for me. On the whole, I'm adjusting. And trying to remember the good things.
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u/Sad-Independence650 May 17 '23
This is actually really well put in my opinion. Grief is a “long and rambly” thing. We all go through lots of different thoughts and feelings and often well meaning things, like sympathy cards, can bring the suffering back to the surface. I’ve been through similar with two very very loved pets. Ten years later, although it won’t push me to tears but once in a blue moon, i still feel some sadness. I’ve learned to hold onto the happy memories and remind myself of the wonderful life they had that overshadows any suffering they had at the very end.
Thank you for sharing this. I hope it helps OP understand and be patient in moments that might otherwise feel frustrating. Watching someone suffer and not being able to take the pain away can be hard. Just remember, OP, that all the tears are only there because of how big his heart is. Be ready with tissues and hugs if needed, but also to give him space if he needs it. Everyone processes emotions a little differently. It will get easier. :8097:
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u/Pretty_Parfait311 May 17 '23
I’m so sorry for your loss, sending you and your bf comfort. I loss my sweet boy in March and you never forget them or stop loving them. ❤️❤️
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your loss, as well. You're right. We'll never forget or stop loving her. Honestly, we can tell she's ready, but we also can tell she's hanging on for our sake. We aren't sure if she'll pass at home or the vet. We just don't want her to suffer. ❤️🩹
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u/butthenhor Scottish Fold May 17 '23
❤️ :((((
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
❤️🩹 ty
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u/butthenhor Scottish Fold May 17 '23
Take care ok.
I just got my cat and shes turning 1 soon. At the back of my head, i get anxieties thinking abt this :(
But anw, take care. Your cat looks really well loved ❤️ you did well.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you. We will do our best to take care of each other. Give your kitty a hug and kiss for me. Take care, friend. ❤️
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u/butthenhor Scottish Fold May 17 '23
You too! I'll include both of you in my prayers tonight. Nothing but the best for you two ❤️
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u/butthenhor Scottish Fold May 18 '23
I cant help but think of you all when i woke up this morning.
Just big hugs ok, to all of u. O/
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 18 '23
Thank you. Waking up is always hard because of those brief moments that you forget they are gone. I appreciate the hugs and hope you take care.
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u/my4floofs May 17 '23
Thinking of you and your little friend today. Their lives are too short in comparison to our own. We had our little guys ashes added to a beautiful rainbow glass orb that sits on a lighted base. I have his paw print, a little glass jar with some fur, and his picture. I will be getting a little cat statue custom painted off Etsy too. Blessings to you both.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I appreciate you sharing your story ❤️ Blessings to you and your loved ones
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u/Longshot1969 May 17 '23
So sorry to hear that, it’s not easy to do. Best thing you can do is remember that you had them for 16 wonderful years.
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u/Kristycat cat mom to Artie and cat rescuer! May 17 '23
I’m soooo sorry ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I’m sending big hugs and lots of love to you three. I know your cutie had a great life with you all! She looks so happy in his arms! 🥰🥰🥰🥰
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you. She was in love with him on day one. She picked him out at the shelter. She latched onto him and didn't let go the entire time he filled out the paperwork and drove home. She was latched to the front of his shirt the whole time. ❤
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u/twelvebegin May 17 '23
My heart breaks for you and your boyfriend. The fact that you care so much tells me he will get through it with your love and support. ❤️
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u/H4rkio May 17 '23
I’m so sorry….
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you. Me too. ❤️🩹
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u/H4rkio May 17 '23
I lost my best friend cat Lio before 4 months.
My world did collapse, got him tattooed on my leg and he is forever with me.
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u/awaybaltimore410 May 17 '23
Why she has to be put to sleep? 😭
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
She suffered a bad stroke and lost her motor skills, and just deteriorated. 😭
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u/WkittySkittyLBoF May 17 '23
As disrespectful as it sounds, give it a few days, then starts going to rescues/shelters and match up a humans who needs a cat to a cat who needs a human. Don’t think if it as replacing his old buddy, think of it as saving 2 lives.
Prayers are with you two, his kitty is gorgeous.
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u/Red__M_M May 17 '23
I always think making a donation to the local animal shelter is great. Humans adopting an animal greatly improves their lives and giving some money will enable another adoption / improved life. I can think of no greater way to honor your fallen friend.
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u/blackbogwater May 17 '23
I’m so sorry. I dread the day. My heart is with you! I’m confident you’ll be in each others presence again, one way or another.
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u/hwei8 I like curious cats. May 17 '23
3 more hours left. Let's spend a moment of silent and respect this cute cat once more.
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u/Own_Championship_637 May 17 '23
Stay close and hold him tight. When he is ready and only when, get to a shelter and rescue another best bud who needs him, too.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
We have a 2 year old black and white big boy at home. We'll grieve and then think about a sister for him.
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u/Own_Championship_637 May 17 '23
Bless you all. Take care of each other always. A stranger from New York grieves with you
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u/hollowedonion May 17 '23
Just give him love and let him weep whenever he needs to with your presence there to comfort him as it passes each time. My puppies have been gone for a decade now and my wife still sits with me every time I see a picture of them or have a thought and I can’t help but shed tears. Nothing can really be done to make it hurt less, but everyone really needs someone to pull them back from that place when they break down again, possibly for the rest of their life.
My heart breaks for him and all others I open this app to see painfully living on without part of their family. It does not bring me comfort, but something tells me it’s good for me to stop and remember my babies, as well as grieving with others.
She is beautiful and I hope he always has you or someone to sit with when he remembers her.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thanks for your beautiful words. I'll make sure to sit with him whenever he needs me to. ❤️🩹
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u/nick_soapdish_ May 17 '23
Remind him it is OK to be sad and heart broken. Eventually the sadness will lessen and the happy memories will be the dominate ones. The three times my wife has seen me ugly cry is when we have had to say goodbye to our meepers. We have a forth that will be happening soon unfortunately. The pain we feel is the price for all the love we got from them.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
I told him the hurt we feel is a reflection of the depth of our love for them. ❤ I wish you all the best, friend.
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u/Icely12 May 17 '23
So 𝕤𝕒𝕕 (Tʖ̯T) I would buy him a cat that looks identical but not straight away I would wait until he's over it and then buy him a new one
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u/yosoyboi May 17 '23
I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a furry family member is never easy.
My kitties are only 5 and 2 years old, but there’s a part of me that knows they’ll likely go before I do, and it always makes me sad to think about.
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u/DiabloSHO94 May 17 '23
I am so sorry!!!!! Nothing you say will help to be honest. You just have to roll with the punches on this one. It's hard...
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Yeah, we've been crying and holding each other a lot. Just hanging in there as best we can. ❤️🩹
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u/Greedy-Koala1725 May 17 '23
We had to let go our cat yesterday. My boyfriend is very supportive even if he’s mourning too. He suggested a walk at the local nature park after she passed away so we didn’t had to go home just after. When we get home I laid down on the couch and cried, my boyfriend was sitting next to me, patting my back, I don’t needed more at this moment. He also take some “tasks” of my daily routine, so there’s some first times without her that I don’t have to face right now, like going in the basement for exemple, it was one of her favourite spot. The first times hit hard ! The first morning without being greet by our fury baby, going to the bathroom alone, not cleaning the litter, dépend of his own routine… You maybe can try to make this first times easier. Pain comes in waves, sometimes I’m ok sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and I’ll never recover. Knowing that he can count on you to understand that pain will help ! Remember him to drink water ! It’s seems silly but really it’s important. And take time for you, you are mourning too.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
My sincerest condolences on the loss of your girl. She sounds lovely. We just woke up from a nap, and we both forgot she was gone for a second. I find this part always to be the hardest. I asked my bf to take up feeding our male cat, Rory. I asked because I know feeding cats can form positive bonds, and I want my bf to have that rn. Before we took Sam to the vet, I cleaned up and put away anything of hers that I thought would trigger sobbing fits. We are both drowning in waves of grief. I greatly appreciate your advice and sharing your story. I will get us a big glass of water now. 🥰
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u/Greedy-Koala1725 May 19 '23
How do you do today ?
For me the waves are sometimes still rough as the first day but they gradually become calmer. I’m able to think about something else for a few minutes.
The memories are still haunting but it will last for a while I think. It will take time before I can think about my Mominette peacefully.
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 19 '23
We are hanging in there. It does come in waves, and some are stronger than others. Sometimes, it feels like drowning. And yeah, we have brief moments where it doesn't suffocate us. I think the worst is remembering her last day with us. She suffered a stroke, and she was hurting, and it was awful seeing her like that. It will take a while to find our peace with it.
Thank you for checking on us. How are you doing? I wish peace for you and Mominette. I'm so sorry that you are going through this heartache. I wish you happy memories of your Mominette to comfort you. ✨️
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u/kritter16 May 17 '23
She is a beautiful girl, and I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your love for her from the picture and the post. Sending you all the hugs and support that I have. :8097: Try not to cry because it’s over; smile that it happened (as I type through my own tears 🥲).
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you for your kind words. We are trying to remember the good times in between crying. I appreciate you. ❤️🩹
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u/Jaakeda_Korudo May 17 '23
I’m so sorry brother. Losing a pet is a feeling like none other. Thinking about you and your cat with hope and love. ♥️
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May 17 '23
[deleted]
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Aww, your buddy is so handsome. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure Sam and him will be great friends. ❤️ I appreciate your kind words. I hope you are doing well, friend.
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u/skyrymproposal May 17 '23
Maybe find out his favorite pic of them together and have it commissioned. r/drawme might help.
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u/The_Shepard13 May 18 '23
My deepest condolences as I will never fathom the joy, love and comfort she provided your bf in his darkest moments as well as the best moments in his life . Thank you for sharing this with us. And who’s cutting onions ?!?
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u/sybann May 16 '23
Take some time off - pre and post. Allow time to feel and hurt. Because it really does. I feel it more when I lose a pet because so much we'd wish them to know (how much we care, how much we HATE this, how we don't want them to hurt, or leave, or worry) that we simply have to hope they know. Cry. She's worth every tear. And more.
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u/SirBrainsaw May 17 '23
Sorry for your future loss but this reddit sure has turned to the dark pitty me side
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u/KaizokuOni55 May 17 '23
Thank you for your condolences. I wasn't searching for pity. I was asking for ideas on how to help my bf through it and ideas on how to honor Sam's memory. That being said, I greatly appreciate every single comment and gesture of kindness. I hope you take care, friend.
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u/Mountain_Conflict_89 May 16 '23
I'm really sorry! My cat is sick now! Although I have already cried because of the illness! I'm very sorry, it's a terrible feeling! 😞Maybe a picture on a t-shirt or pillow with lots of hugs? Or there are handmade cat ceramics modeled after your own cat!
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