r/funny 4d ago Gold 2 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Table Slap 2

Bad at swearing [OC] Verified

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75.4k Upvotes

1.2k comments sorted by

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2.1k

u/Gati-Macro 4d ago All-Seeing Upvote

This is a suck !

931

u/Casual_Deviant 4d ago

Oh go ass yourself

270

u/boogers19 4d ago

Worked with one guy, always 3 swears.

Fukdamcrap.

Titshitfucker

Asscrapbitch

And it was all day long. He was the electronics guy in a big box furniture store. So he was always banging his head on a shelf, or having to crawl under a display, or finding the next fuk up from the sales team.

106

u/honeywithbiscuits 4d ago

I read the 3rd one as "assclapbitch" 💀

48

u/boogers19 4d ago

I mean, that woulda worked for him. I say "swears" but I think "assclap" woulda fit. He'd often throw in an "eat" or "lick".

eatshitfuk

craptitlicker

Still conveys the same message, y'kno? Plus all the Czech. He'd throw some of those fun foreign swears into the mix often enough too.

15

u/BarryTGash 4d ago

Sounds like Sandy Sue, the cheerleader with tourette's, in Not Another Teen Movie...

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u/Team_Braniel 4d ago

Shit you!

31

u/WhyteBeard 4d ago

Well double dumbass on you!

9

u/SteveRogests 4d ago

Spoken like a captain

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u/BEAMeUPScuT 4d ago

Go suck a fuck, you fuck-ass!

35

u/TheSuperWig 4d ago

Oh, please, tell me, how exactly does one suck a fuck?

21

u/LeftSideOfTown 4d ago

...what's a fuck-ass?

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u/Xenc 4d ago

Fuck you Donnie!

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u/gingijuice 4d ago

'This is sucks' - For all you MMA fans out there.

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1.1k

u/NotAnAltAccount73 4d ago

I always say are you fucking me

299

u/ProfessorSizzle 4d ago

Yeah that one is pretty common I think

66

u/IdoNOThateNEVER 4d ago

Never in my life have I said something like that!

It's been said to me multiple times though..

53

u/LazarusCrowley 4d ago

Tinydongcrew

Edit: Fucking, lol. Hashtags make you yell in text, apparently. But since I'm pleased with it, it stays.

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154

u/mrastronautglenn 4d ago

"Are you fucking me right now?" Is in weekly rotation.

48

u/NotAnAltAccount73 4d ago

I always use it in situations where I would say "are you fucking kidding me"

17

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

13

u/Macro_Tears 4d ago

“Are you oh geeeeze kidding me?!

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u/thebaked_baker 4d ago

My husband speaks English as a second language and this is what he says when he wants to say "are you fucking kidding me?" And I just die laughing everytime. Yeah hunny, I'm definitely fucking you!

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u/pie4july 4d ago

Reminds me of that video of those two Indian guys yelling at each other

FUCK YOU BLOODY FUCKING

88

u/thefunkybassist 4d ago

You bloody blastard youuu

10 minutes laterrr

Have a nice day

14

u/Dialthetrekwarsgate 4d ago

Very fuck you bloody

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1.8k

u/No-Nefariousness9330 4d ago

This reminds me of the middle eastern family that owned the indoor mall I used to work at. "I don't give a fuck mother what time you get off, you're staying until 12 shitting am"

457

u/LogrosTlanImass 4d ago

It reminds me of the video where the Pakistani finance minister is being harassed in the airport and he gets angry yelling back "I will fuck you right here!". While holding flowers, of course, because he's a gentleman.

196

u/Spikes_in_my_eyes 4d ago

To be fair, I've used that as a threat before. It usually confuses the other person enough to difuse the situation.

"I will fuck you, right now"

"You mean fuck me up, right?

shakes head slowly while maintaining eye contact

....."oh, uh, OK"

Then we all start laughing

48

u/Racoonspankbank 4d ago

Gotta start undoing your belt. Make the offer real.

18

u/k20350 4d ago

With steady eye contact

9

u/HiddenPants777 4d ago

Go fuck yourself!

Me me yourself you coward!

33

u/SmoothJazzRayner 4d ago

Then you fucked?

14

u/conjunctivious 4d ago

Good ol'fashioned game of gay chicken

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u/Spikes_in_my_eyes 4d ago

No, they're all cowards haha

5

u/BlazeKnaveII 4d ago

This thread cracking me up

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u/Snowbank_Lake 4d ago

In grad school I became friends with a guy from Eritrea. One night we were chatting online and he kept throwing around the F word in a way that sounded like he was angry. I asked him what he was upset about. He said he was just trying to be funny. I guess he thought adding the F word to a sentence automatically made it funnier.

115

u/katie_pendry 4d ago

He was just using a sentence enhancer 🐬

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223

u/mcwildtaz 4d ago

Is he wrong though

253

u/Rufuszombot 4d ago

What the fuck do you think?

113

u/insane_contin 4d ago

I think it's fucking hilarious. Thank you for bringing this fucking anecdote to light.

6

u/spirito_santo 4d ago

fucking anecdote

fucking anec-fucking-dote

FTFY

Oh yeah - for more Fucks (or less, actually);

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8aulstjbV8&ab_channel=ThomasBenjaminWildEsq

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34

u/BoobieOrNotToBe 4d ago

It's a little bit over the fucking top.

33

u/MountainHill 4d ago

Hey! Go fuck myself.

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u/Better_Lift_Cliff 4d ago

Hey Spongebob, how the fuck are ya?

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u/dr_schlotkins_putz 4d ago

Are you fucking sorry?

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u/BertMacGyver 4d ago

My polish grandad worked in a factory with a load of other poles after the war who were all learning English. They weren't a fan of their supervisor and would regularly take the piss. One day it got too much for him and he apparently blurted out the immortal phrase:

"You all think I know fuck nothing! But I know fuck all!"

41

u/CrimsonFox2370 4d ago

That's too good

28

u/Caleb_Reynolds 4d ago

It really feels like a prank on ESL folks that "fuck nothing" and "fuck all" mean the same thing.

24

u/Mantisfactory 4d ago

They really don't. "Fuck nothing" is meaningless, and so contextually we understand the Fuck to be an aside, and only parse the meaning of 'nothing.' Or, we understand it as Fuck[ing] Nothing. Either way, "fuck all" is a specific phrase that means 'nothing'. Whereas "Fuck nothing" is just the word nothing with a meaningless Fuck tacked on.

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u/furiana 4d ago

Omg, I'm dying! 😭

27

u/MacaroonNo8118 4d ago

SSL: Swearing as a Second Language

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16

u/knightopusdei 4d ago

Russell Peters and his Korean drycleaner who told him:

You Fuckin Blow Job!

10

u/glonomosonophonocon 4d ago

“Fuckmother” makes me think of the Neill Blomkamp robot movie, Chappie, starring Die Antwoord.

7

u/podmeistersukker 4d ago

Where I'm from we'd say 12 o'cunting clock!

8

u/mysixthredditaccount 4d ago

Reminds me of the Key and Peele sketch about the kebabi and shebabi. Those sons of mother bithces.

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2.1k

u/Denny_204 4d ago

Me: Sits on a wet seat

Me: "Ahhhh... Fuck my ass!"

712

u/someguyfromsk 4d ago

"oh fuck me sideways" is one of my favorite exasperated lines.

315

u/xrocket21 4d ago

I worked with a guy from Thunder Bay, Canada, and he would say, "shit in my hand!" And it was hilarious

41

u/few23 4d ago

I worked with a guy from Israel, and when the guys would razz him his go-to was "Stop chopping my balls!"

This crew also coined the popular "I done shittum pantaloon!"

16

u/chewienick 4d ago

"I'd rather shit in my hand and clap." Is one that I like to use when I really don't want to do something

90

u/pow3llmorgan 4d ago

I sometimes explete "shit in the sea" or "shit in the Lord's basement" but in my native language.

21

u/tullytheshawn 4d ago

I really wish explete were a word because it kinda sounds awesome

23

u/blofly 4d ago

Oh, it's a word now, baby!

-snaps-

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u/disturbed286 4d ago

Can I ask what your native language is?

And/or what that phrase is, in that language?

7

u/pow3llmorgan 4d ago

Danish. It would be "Skid i havet!" and "Lort i Herrens kælder!". Notice how the noun and verb of shit is different.

4

u/disturbed286 4d ago

That's genuinely fascinating and I love it. Thanks!

7

u/M0hnJadden 4d ago

Yiddish has a similar phrase! Anglicized it's gay kaken ofn yahm, which means "go shit in the ocean" kind of like fuck off or go take a hike. Not Jewish, it's used in one of the Dark Tower books by Stephen King, maybe Song of Susannah or The Dark Tower.

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u/knightopusdei 4d ago

I'm Ojibway-Cree (my language is a bit more east of Thunder Bay) and our goto swear word is TAGUY ..... it generally translates to 'penis' and it is considered highly offensive ... when we were kids, if we said this word, mom would slap the shit out of us for saying it and dad would glare at us as if to say that we weren't his children.

and to add to the fun .... there are a dozen ways to use Taguy ... it is generally our equivalent for 'fuck'

keetaguy ... ahtaguy ... neetaguy ... ootaguy ... takee .. akee .. shoakee .. taguy-ahkee ... taguy-taguy ... ashki-taguy .. ashki-ti-ni-mi-nish-ki-taguy ... etc

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u/nandemo 4d ago

Attaguy.

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u/disturbed286 4d ago edited 4d ago

I accidentally went off the road in the snow a few years ago, and the thing that immediately came out of my mouth was "fuck me running!"

In high school I was a fan of "take a flying fuck off a tall building."

I'm not sure if I came up with that myself, or got it from somewhere.

3

u/shits-n-gigs 4d ago

"Fuck me running" was my go-to. Where you from? I picked it up in the Midwest.

I did stop really using it a lot after a few women were kinda disgusted by it.

But you can't change nature. Trip off the curb or watching your train roll away? Immediate FMR, no thoughts to stop it.

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u/Witty_Ruin_7339 4d ago

I would say "fuck you in the WORST possible way!" And hubby would resond, "Standing on my head in a hammock?"

3

u/RaspberryJam245 4d ago

I like to say "well fuck my ass and call me Sally"

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u/Tarpup 4d ago

"You gotta be sucking my dick right now!"

Is a solid go to.

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u/The_Fluffy_Walrus 4d ago

my personal favorite is "are you shitting my pants right now?"

13

u/ForgettableUsername 4d ago

Who shat in my pants!?

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u/spacepilot_3000 4d ago

Don't piss on my dick and tell me it's raining!

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u/theoutlet 4d ago

Supposedly, one day at my brother’s work, one coworker was being very impatient with another. He just wasn’t going fast enough to his liking. I think he was in his way. So..

Coworker #1: “Come on, man! Hurry up! Come on! Come on! Come on!”

Coworker #2, fed up with being harassed, replied: “Oh, come on my ass!”

23

u/UnfinishedProjects 4d ago

I blue myself!

9

u/JohnsScones 4d ago

Tobias?

5

u/HorseRenoiro 4d ago

Help daddy get his rocks off sweetie

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u/BiBoFieTo 4d ago

"Yes! Eat all of our shirts!" - Flanders

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u/Toshiba1point0 4d ago

Thats a dilly of a pickle

51

u/hexcor 4d ago

As the tree said to the lumber jack, i'm stumped

14

u/BABarracus 4d ago

Like, im wearing nothing at all

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u/mDust 4d ago

Stupid sexy Flanders...

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/tafffffff 4d ago

Holy motherforking shirtballs

-Eleanor

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u/Jazz-Cigarettes 4d ago edited 4d ago

Flanders: It's been 4,000 days since my last drink. It was my first--and last--blackberry schnapps.

(fade to flashback)

Maude: Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?

Ned: Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!

Maude: [gasping] Ned!

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u/guy_from_2070 4d ago

"I was more animal than man"

11

u/PedanticSatiation 4d ago

I'm not eating one iota of shirt

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u/Yolom4ntr1c 4d ago

One that i like is "Shit my arse"

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u/Superbead 4d ago

"Shit on me!" has become automatic for me when in shock/surprise

11

u/Qyro 4d ago

SHIT ON IIIIIIT!

7

u/BSet262 4d ago

Lovely bit of squirrel!

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u/ChasingPesmerga 4d ago

Wtf the fuck

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u/GeonnCannon 4d ago

"What the fuck does WTF mean??"

15

u/3-DMan 4d ago

Ugh, SMH my head...

4

u/donnysaysvacuum 4d ago

TIL I learned

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u/boogers19 4d ago

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Decent Tina Fey movie. She plays a war correspondant.

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u/samfitnessthrowaway 4d ago

'Shit Off' is a pretty standard insult in parts of the UK.

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u/HaroldTheIronmonger 4d ago

It's in my daily rotation. Usually in the voice of Tony Harrison.

36

u/aaduk_ala 4d ago

This is an outrage!

15

u/funkinggiblet 4d ago

I’ve a heavy goods license! Nobody’s got more miles under their belt than me!

12

u/RetzTheAnathema 4d ago

Shit off, you are gonna be wasted!

12

u/Un_Chris 4d ago

What do you know about the crunch? You've never even been to the crunch!

8

u/samfitnessthrowaway 4d ago

I'll never downvote a Tony Harrison reference.

14

u/Tailas 4d ago

We're havin' it large!

31

u/SamwellBarley 4d ago

Shit off, ya hairy dog's cock

19

u/I-Love-Bewbs 4d ago

I see you got your advanced swearing badge Tyrone.

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u/giggydiggles 4d ago

Shit on it!

15

u/ponytoaster 4d ago

Shit on the shitting thing

24

u/ExcellentSelection69 4d ago

Are you fucking me is also a part of my vocabulary

12

u/Howaboutnope1 4d ago

"You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass??"

7

u/Im_Unlucky 4d ago

“You see what happens Larry, when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”

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u/Successful-Giraffe29 4d ago

Makes me think of that john Cena and Amy shumer movie where Cena is trying to cuss out a guy in the theater

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u/champagnehurricane 4d ago

I will enter you

48

u/cuatrodosocho 4d ago

"YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WITH ASSHOLES? I LICK 'EM."

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u/Sativa_Dreams 4d ago

Reminds me of the scene from Get Hard with Will Farrel and Kevin Hart. https://youtu.be/IHEc66d08YU (extremely NSFW btw)

the dialogue is like exactly the same as this post lol. just nonsensical swearing adding in anywhere

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u/Materva 4d ago

He must be on the LDS.

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u/Snowbank_Lake 4d ago

And they are not the hell his whales!

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u/tastygrowth 4d ago

This reminds me of staying at a friends house as an early middle school student, in the late 90s. There were several of us staying at this kid's house, we all had been swearing on our own (except this kid) and were well versed at it, but were never allowed to at this kid's house. Well this time the kid's mom was out of town so it was just his dad home with us for the sleep over so he let us swear. This kid and his dad seemed strangely excited about being able to swear at home. The rest of us didn't give a shit; swearing was "old news" for us. Anyway, it was comical listening to them swear for no reason in awkward context. Sometimes it came off just like this comic, just wrong! lol

9

u/Big_Rig_Jig 4d ago

This is hilarious, I wonder if the dad was just messing with the kid? Or was he legit into it?

Either way that's a funny story.

8

u/tastygrowth 4d ago

I remember the dad being the most awkward with his swear placement. I can't remember any examples though. So I would guess the dad wasn't just messing with us. Another time later in high school we stayed there while the mom was away and the dad bought us a 12 pack of beer, thinking he'll be the "cool dad" that let the boys drink a beer. We asked the kid if that's all he got. It was. So on our way over there we went to our usual guy, the town alcoholic, and had him buy us another case. Not only did we swear, we also drank! Thinking back, we were probably a bad influence on him. lol

4

u/Big_Rig_Jig 4d ago

Weird.

Probably, but it sounds like he has some good influences too. Variety is the spice of life.

194

u/SermanGhepard 4d ago

ILL FUCK YOU RIGHT HERE

86

u/Team_Braniel 4d ago

ILL FUCK YOU BLOODY

83

u/dbrodes 4d ago

BLOODY FUCK YOU BLOODY

44

u/HyperGamers 4d ago

WHY YOU FUCK ME, I FUCK YOU BLOODY

For the people that don't know: https://youtu.be/ukznXQ3MgN0

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u/Ark14 4d ago

Have a nice day...

7

u/Bhodi3K 4d ago

YOU ARE FUCKING, YOU ARE FUCKING

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u/ggppjj 4d ago

ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY???

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u/Casual_Deviant 4d ago edited 4d ago

This one goes out to Connor from middle school who thought he was being so cool by sticking random swears he'd heard into every sentence.

Hope you enjoy! You can check out my profile for various links to more of my comics.

60

u/benefit_of_mrkite 4d ago

This reminded me of my great grandmother who even in her nineties would swear like this. She called them “barnyard words”

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u/sithkazar 4d ago

My grandmother only had one swear that she used, but when she used it you knew she was done. She would slam her cane down and say a little too slowly... "Well. Son of a Bitch." No yelling. Just calm words, a frown, and the bang of her cane on the ground. But everyone knew that was Grandma's limit.

I was there when she was dying in the hospital. Everyone was sitting around her bed telling stories. She was in and out of consciousness. The last time she woke up, we didn't notice right away because we were talking to each other and she got frustrated. Her last words to us were "This is MY party!"

Its hard to believe she has been gone ten years now. God, I miss her still.

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u/Morgothic 4d ago

Then why doesn't it say, "Connor is bad at swearing"? What did Jeff ever do to you?

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u/Govt-Issue-SexRobot 4d ago

Ass off, Jeff

26

u/CrimsonFox2370 4d ago

Yeah Jeff, go bitch yourself, you son of a piss

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u/Channel5exclusive 4d ago

"Where's that referee?! He tried to fuck on me!"

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u/cuatrodosocho 4d ago

I hear you Ted, I hear you.

6

u/Mookie1515 4d ago

Hoped someone else thought of Cody's story!

20

u/laserdruckervk 4d ago

I'm gonna punch you in the fuck! I will shit you!

134

u/josegarrao 4d ago

I am 51 y.o., saw billions of memes and jokes related to myself, and this is the one. That is me.

23

u/TheGoodOldCoder 4d ago

It's interesting how being angry or upset can affect your speech patterns, for better or worse.

I definitely also see a bit of myself in this, like in the past, if I was playing Xbox with voice chat on, and somebody insulted me after I made a mistake, I lost all ability to form meaningful sentences, especially if I was hoping to insult them back. (It's surprising how often the person who insults you for playing bad also has the worst score on your team.) I couldn't even defend myself, verbally.

My solution was to get control of my emotions and stop being angry, and also to turn off voice chat. Worthless feature.

It can also work the other way. I knew a Japanese guy who spoke English at a fairly poor level, but if he was angry, all the curses that came out of his mouth were like native level, expert English.

18

u/TexaNole0309 4d ago

Should work on his colorful metaphors.

26

u/LoveVirginiaTech 4d ago

"Well double dumb ass on you!"

16

u/Thirty_Helens_Agree 4d ago

They are not, the hell, your whales.

7

u/got_outta_bed_4_this 4d ago

Everybody remember where we parked!

8

u/DataKnights 4d ago

One damn minute, Admiral.

20

u/PG67AW 4d ago

Reminds me of the English swearing you see in Bollywood films. "You mother fuck! I fuck you!"

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u/ac_s2k 4d ago

I'm attacked. I say "what the damn" atheist twice a day

Edit. Whoops that was meant to say "at least". What the damn.

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u/geekaustin_777 4d ago

Knew a dude from Hyderabad who cursed like this when he was angry. It was damn near impossible to keep milk from coming out of my nose every time.

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u/MorkSkogen666 4d ago

What if you just drank something else instead?

6

u/Xoebe 4d ago

You milk snorting tit nose fuck shit damn fuck

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u/Disgraze826 4d ago

'Shit Off' sounds like it could be legit Brit-speak (based on what my ignorant American ass has learned from ACORN TV):

"Shit off you bloody tosser, things about to go tits up!"

4

u/finneganfach 4d ago

I literally just came in to the comments to see if anyone from the UK had pointed out that Shit Off is occasionally completely valid haha.

Source: am from the UK.

9

u/schmo006 4d ago

Hell, fuck, that is whack

22

u/DopePhibes77 4d ago

Piss you titholes!

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u/justgoride 4d ago

Well done!

I’ve been ugly laughing over this for at least 10 minutes. Every time I calm down my brain goes “what the damn” and I start all over.

My husband just said shit off and I just can’t.

15

u/boogers19 4d ago

There's a line in Archer where a pirate with an accent and a loose grasp on the English language asks him:

"What the hell, dumb guy?!"

And I always hear

"What the hell, damn guy".

And it just, I don't even know, i love to say that sentence. So I do. A lot.

7

u/TiredMontanan 4d ago

Archer is at its best when the Frisky Dingo comes out, yes.

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u/shuknjive 4d ago

Me too! What the damn!

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u/UkrUkrUkr 4d ago

In swearing, like in art, the thought is important, not a form.

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u/virgilreality 4d ago

I disagree, you shitting damnhole...

<s>

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u/Manu442 4d ago

Sounds like a mother bitcher to me.

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u/nexguy 4d ago

Hey, go fuck me yourself.

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u/virgilreality 4d ago

Don't you assing talk to me like that, you god milking throat balls!

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u/HumpieDouglas 4d ago

I like swearing like this

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u/hashimishii 4d ago

Mother bitch! Son of a fuck!

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u/blacmagick 4d ago

I was refereeing a french team a few years ago and one of their guys wasn't great with English. He got fouled by another player and yelled "FUCK THE BITCH" at him lol

18

u/BullfrogRepulsive05 4d ago

What the damn doing

4

u/qster123 4d ago

I'd get on well with Jeff

4

u/hermajestycxntberly 4d ago

Never came out of his just-started-swearing-in-middle-school phase.

3

u/GriffinFlash 4d ago

Reminds me of when I was a kid in grade 3 and tried to swear the first time.

Saw some people acting dumb and was all, "Those people are so shut up"