Moderator Announcement [meta] "Am I overreacting?" "Am I the asshole?" "Is this okay?" don't ask these moral judgment (yes/no questions about the past) questions here. Likewise, absolutely no questions around sexual situations involving anyone under 18. See this thread for what to do instead for both of these.
On the first topic:
The subreddit is a place for people to ask for advice on what to do next. I know it sounds dumb, but questions like "Is this normal?", "Am I wrong", "Am I an asshole", "Is this fair" or basically any questions asking about whether something that happened in the past was okay... these aren't requesting advice on what to do next, so they're not appropriate for the subreddit.
Instead, posts should ask questions like
"what should I do next?" or
"how do I do this?" or
"how can I fix this?" etc.
If you have a question around something you think you want to do but aren't sure if it's a good idea, instead of asking (for instance) "is this a good idea" or "would I be the asshole," try to encourage depth, like "I'm thinking about doing this. What do you think I should do here?" That way you'll get better answers than just a 'yes' or 'no.' Or at the very least, people might tell you why you should do the thing you already have in mind.
We're currently automatically removing variations of the following (these phrases aren't all exact):
"Is this normal?", "Am I wrong", "Is it wrong", "Am I the asshole", "Am I in the wrong", "Would I be an asshole", "Would I be the asshole", "AITA", "WIBTA", "Should I have done", "Who's right here", "Was I wrong", "Should I have to", "Am I overreacting", "am I justified", "is reasonable", "Am I at fault", "Was it irresponsible for", "am I out of line", "is this a big deal", "Isn't that fucked up?", "Am I the bad one", "Am I being too sensitive", "Is it weird", "Am I right"
So hopefully this gives you an idea of what shouldn't be posted here. If your question is a yes/no question about something that happened in the past (like those are), change your question.
On the second topic:
if you have a question about any sexual situations involving minors (anyone under 18 for the purposes of this subreddit; it doesn't matter what your local laws say), even concerns around potential grooming, please don't post them here.
If you're a minor and have questions involving sexual topics, consider reaching out to either your parents or sex education/family life resources in your school on these topics, or if you're not comfortable, consider a resource such as:
If you're a minor or know of a minor with sexual or potentially sexual interactions with an adult, instead of submitting here, please speak with a teacher, therapist, counselor, social worker, or other mandatory reporter or appropriate adult with your concerns and absolutely make use of the following resources:
It's safe to say that no one here on this subreddit is professionally, legally, or ethically qualified to give advice on these topics, so we're deferring to expert resources and hotlines like the ones above.
When reporting these, feel free to report these posts with the sexualization of minors option in the report list, as it's being enforced under that Reddit content rule.
We owe a deeper rules reminder soon, but the above should cover the most pressing issues.
I (45M) have stage IV colorectal cancer and will be dead in 5 years. My partner (37F) wants to have a baby with me
Last month, I was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer. The prognosis was not good, and there have already been signs of spread to the rest of the body.
I'll be dead within 5 years. The doctor said it'll most likely be sooner, given the status of the progression. We're going to try fighting it, but the chances of survival are slim, given the spread.
I've been with my partner for 11 years now. We met at the library as I was doing my masters in behavioural psychology, and she was completing her undergrad in environment science. I still remember the first time I saw her with her finger pressed so hard against a text book, as if it was going to fly away.
We've talked about kids and marriage in the past, and it wasn't something either of us were interested in. We discussed it a few times, and she always said she would prefer to backpack across Vietnam (which we did) than raise a baby.
It has been such an honour to be with her.
After the diagnosis, we took our separate ways of grieving. She poured into her contacts and ways to fight this (apparently there's some magical Australian Berry I have to start taking next week). I've come to accept it, and will contact my lawyer soon to get my affairs in order.
And here is my conundrum. She approached me a few nights ago, sat me down, and told me she wants to marry me and have a child or two with me.
I was, of course, blindsided. Having a wedding or a child is the least of my priorities or wants at the moment. Because, well, I'm dying.
She was adamant if this is the last thing I do for her, let it be this. She told me that it's only at the end of things that she realises what's important to her. She told me she wants concrete things to remember me by, and being able to see my face in our child, as well a wedding ring (which she said she'd wear even after my cessation) is what she needs.
I am concerned, and I voiced my concerns, which provoked tears. I told her that she has no family here (her only family was a mother who passed away when she was 20). I told her her career is flourishing and she has her passion in environmental monitoring. Being a single mother will be a huge impact on her.
If I was going to be alive to help her, I'd be more ameable. But I won't.
The discussion didn't end well.
I'm lost on what to do. On one hand, I could go through with it all and give her the family she wants, but I know her struggle with be immense.
But on another hand, if she has a child, she may not be all alone after I die...
What do you think? Please give me perspective.
She will get everything when I die. Our net worth combined is est. $1.5 mil, so she won't be in want of money.
I’m (26F) drowning financially while my boyfriend (30M) is doing fine, but it feels extremely unfair. He makes more money than me.
We’ve been together a year and live together.
We have the same job but due to years at the company he makes $50/hour and I make $35/hour.
We split rent and utilities 50/50. Which is fine. I agreed to it. What’s not fine is this:
While we both have cars, he has an older car that was purchased for him by his parents so his only financial responsibility car-wise is his insurance. It’s not the most comfortable, and recently completely broke down, so we primarily use mine. My payment however is about $480 + insurance + at least $200 in gas every month. I also have to pay $160 a month to park my car at home while he does not.
I brought up the price of gas one time ( it was literally $7) and he said “only broke people talk about gas prices”.
He never offers to give me gas money, and I wouldn’t even want that typically but I pretty regularly (2-3 days a week) have to to drive him about 40 miles round trip so he can go to work.
He has offered to Uber but it is obvious if I actually made him Uber he would be mad.
For example an Uber would be about $40 one way for him so I save him quite a bit of money by driving him. But it’s at my expense. And I can’t do it anymore. He gets mad and says he pays for more things than I do (like food). Which yes… is true.
He regularly calls me broke, says he wants to be with someone who can afford to do things, and gets mad when he pays for groceries or something and I haven’t (because I literally can’t afford it).
If we had an arrangement where he always paid for food and groceries or something like that and in return I drive him around, I would even be ok with that at this point. But he expects me to do all of that and still buy food and groceries sometimes.
I’m just so financially stressed I don’t know what to do. If I can’t pay for something then I have to deal with him talking down to me about it.
Tl;dr my boyfriend makes more money but wants to split everything except my car 50/50
I’m 25 years old and I will be expecting my first child in March 2023. I am so scared. I am doing this alone. My bf is now my ex bf. Long story short, ex backed out on baby plans because we are young and he can’t be held down for a big commitment. He changed his mind doing this with me recently. He said he will pay child support because he knows he has to but he’s signing away his rights and he wants nothing to do with the baby
He will be living his life while I’ll be putting my life on hold. I will be raising my daughter by myself. I’m just scared. I don’t have anybody. I have one close friend but she is busy all the time working and she lives far and I just feel so alone. I know being a single mom is just looked down at so much and I know I’ll have issues in the future when I’m going to be interested in finding a lifetime partner.
I don’t mind cooking. But he always wants me to cook quickly. If the food isn’t ready in less than 30 minutes, he gets distraught. I usually put a time stamp just because I don’t want him to complain. When it’s not ready by then he’ll come into the kitchen and complain and says, “why isn't it ready the time you said it would be ready” or “you're a liar. You said it would be ready at [X] minutes.” He rarely cooks, but when he does, I never complain about time. Last night I had to clean the kitchen before cooking, and I wanted to make some baked goods, so it took longer. I told him, “if you complained once while I was cooking, then you get nothing,” he said ok. As I was plating the food, he complained and said, “wow, it only took you 4 hours later,” So I decided to give him nothing. Unreasonable?
I'm just shocked and super upset.
Edit to clarify some things and I wrote this post when I was upset, so it was everywhere. I'm sorry.
We haven't had an argument like this in 10 years. He's 43, and I'm 31 years old.
As he left for work in the morning, I asked nicely if he could take the trash out. He shut the door and called me a bitch. He came home from work later, grumpy as always. I had a day off of so I made homemade meatballs, pasta noodles, sauce and garlic bread. As he was eating, he started giving me attitude over me asking how is day was. He was going on how hard his job is, how I will never know what a hard job would be like, and how much older he is than me. How smarter he is than me because he is older than me. How I'm going to a clown university ( I was recently accepted ), and no matter what I still won't be as smart as him. He then started calling me dumb, and ugly. I decided to ignore him some more. He left and came back, and started yelling again.
The only comment I said 'Well I guess being dumb is how I got accepted into the university'. That set him off more. He opened the window, and picked the tree up and threw it out. Yelled some more and left again. Came back for the night and ignored me.
I'm so thankful we have no children together, and am not married. I'm ready to just leave him and move 5000 miles away without telling him. I'm sure I could get into another university.
My partner (26F) and I (29M) want a child. She wants it through a surrogate because she doesn't want to go through a pregnancy.
We're both healthy and don't have any medical reasons preventing us from having kids the usual way. But basically she wants a child but doesn't want to go through pregnancy (which is understandable). However, I have ethnical concerns about surrogacy, especially if there's not a strict need for it like in our case.
I'm totally fine with her not wanting to carry the pregnancy herself. In fact, we've discussed alternatives like adoption, or not having a kid at all. Both of which I'm okay with but she's not, since she wants a kid with her DNA (IVF with the surrogate).
I've also considered some additional scenarios or thought exercises:
- She could have a surrogate on her own without using my sperm (I wouldn't have any say in that scenario, so I'd be void of any ethical qualms), but I don't think I could accept that since the kid wouldn't have any blood relationship with me, but do with her. I'd consider it a bit different than adoption.
- If she already had a kid from a surrogacy or unknown child before meeting me and we ended up together, I would probably be okay with that, even though the end state is equivalent to the previous scenario. I consider this to be different because it would have happened in the past, before my involvement.
In general, we've discussed these ideas and we don't want to break up, but it seems like we're at an impasse in terms of family planning. Any advice on what to do?
This particular guy is a former friend. Keyword is former. He is a back stabbing lying POS. My gaming group kicked him out. He and my GF remained friends simply because they play a lot of the same games. My brother (also in gaming group) occasionally sends him messages or posts to his FB. It’s here where my brother shared me what this friend has been saying. How his master plan is to steal my girl and paint me as a bad guy
Well. My gf took the bait and now we’re basically friends at this point. He’s across the entire country so meeting isn’t an option. Since both are broke. I spoke to my gf about this and how it’s destroying our relationship. She needs to stop talking to him. Cut him out. Or else this relationship could end.
So she did. For a month or 2. Today she began playin with him. Again. She talks more to him than me. I came home from work just wanting to vent and talk about my day. She used to always listen. Flat out told me “I’m too tired and stressed out to listen to you whine”. Then goes on the console and changed to her fake phone voice to play with him.
We are suppose to resign our lease tomorrow and I’m thinking about throwing the towel in a 8 year relationship. She’s not listening. I don’t know what else to do here. She’s not really listening to me.
TL/DR: I have lost more weight than my wife on the same diet and she feels self conscious. Should I secretly stop my diet so I stop loosing weight so quick?
Edit: Dumb idea, got it. I’ll quadruple the “I love you”s instead.
My wife (23F) and I (22M) have been on the keto diet for a few months now. My body naturally is just good at loosing weight so I lost 20+ lbs. My wife on the other hand says she has not lost much. She hasn’t told me how much and of course I’m not going to ask. She is disappointed that she hasn’t lost the same weight I have and it’s getting her a bit down. I don’t want her feeling bad because of me loosing weight.
With my job, I can easily sneak in some high carb food every once in a while so I don’t loose weight so fast. I am ok with my current weight anyway so no harm on my part. Maybe if I slow down some and, for lack of better words, let her catch up maybe she won’t feel as self conscious.
I really don’t want to keep a secret or lie to my wife but if it helps her feel more comfortable and confident in her body then I am willing to do it. For the record, I love the way my wife looks and how she looked before we even started the diet. I just want to help her be more comfortable. She is always so beautiful.
My (41f) fiance (48m) and I will be spending the 23rd and 24th of December with his adult daughters (20).
My fiance is of the mindset that he needs to erase everything about himself for his daughter's happiness. I'm of the mindset that we can all be happy together by respecting the wants and needs of each other.
His way has created two very self-centered daughters. Don't get me wrong, I like them; they're fun to hang out with. But everything we do with them revolves 100% around them and there is no compromise.
I've been trying very hard to plan a great holiday with them. It's rare that they make time for their father, so I'm trying to make it extra special.
One aspect of the plan is to go out to a very nice restaurant that I've already made a reservation for. His one daughter has food restrictions so I called ahead and spoke to the manager to coordinate a special menu just for her.
My fiance told her what restaurant and now, not only does she not want to eat there, but she's insisting we stay home and cook a very time-consuming meal. Which means I'll be chained to the stove the entire day.
My fiance said okay. I'm not thrilled. And I told him I'm not thrilled. I don't understand why she won't even give the restaurant a chance and at least look at the menu. He told me I'm being argumentative but I'm just trying to understand why everything needs to change just for her.
At this point, I'm so frustrated that we constantly bend to their every whim. It's my holiday, too.
I told him it's a fine line I have to walk with his daughters because I have to accept that he puts them before literally anything else. But, they're also not my daughters. At this point, they're not even my step daughters. I've only ever known them as adults, so there's been no real opportunity to build a relationship with them.
So I'm not really sure how to move forward from here. I'm wondering whether I should just suck it up for the holiday. Or, figure out a way to compromise.
Tldr; my fiance and I are spending Christmas with his adult daughters and he's letting one dictate the entire day for the whole group.
Every time we have a relationship issue that can’t be resolved through a simple conversation, she comes on this sub and only posts her side of the story. I’ll be honest the levels some people go to with commenting… is the cringiest shit I’ve ever seen. “Break up with him” “Red flags” “F that man child.” Like we BOTH have our issues but this is just ridiculous.
Like jfc after reading her post she conveniently fails to mention anything charitable on my part. I know she’s trying to cope because it’s never just one person but the internet can go fuck itself if everyone thinks they can read a biased snapshot and make moral judgements on someone they will never know.
This was all over something as trivial as a deal we made with each other that I fulfilled and she fell thru on, and I’m the worst? Fuck off
I texted my sister one final time yesterday to see if she needed me this week (Wed - Friday were my usual days), since she hasn’t been responding to me since I let her know our current arrangement was no longer sustainable. She left me on read until 11:30 pm before texting me “don’t worry about it.”
So I guess I’m off the hook. Even though she’s clearly very angry at me (as I knew she would be) I appreciate all the encouragement and advice I received from all of you it really helped me get the courage to finally have this conversation that should have happened months ago. I do hope my sister doesn’t withhold my niece from me for too long because I would still like to visit with her and take her to do things, I just didn’t want to be their default childcare provider. Which is not at all unreasonable of me.
Hey, so basically, I have feelings for this girl I'm friends with but there's some problems.
First is that a guy I'm friends with who likes her too, he outright admitted it to me and she and him kissed when we were all really drunk at a bar. She kisses me a lot too when she's drunk but just cheek kisses and one a little too close to my mouth. She's very friendly/flirty when drunk, hell, she outright got on top of another guy and made out with him that same night. Anyway, they're not in a relationship and I know they haven't had sex or anything but they're close with each other in terms of body language. This scenario is just strange because she wants no commitment stuff right now and he falls for people very easily. I mention all this just because they're not really together but I feel guilty for feeling this way about my friend's crush.
Second thing is, I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel anyway romantic about me. We talk a lot, we take the piss out of each other, we're partners in crime when we drink together but I doubt she feels that kind of way about me. I have my own insecurities about my looks and stuff since I'm definitely not in the prime shape of my life right now. Even if this was just her not thinking that way because I haven't said my feelings, my past experiences with certain girls I was close to have made me afraid to admit things like this. I lost some friends out of awkwardness, one girl was really toxic to me, it did some damage to my mental health leading me to pretty much hiding my feeling for the most part. Anyway, I've gotten over these things before but it's been a while since I've had strong feelings like this. If you know anyway of dealing with this or any other advice, I greatly appreciate it.
(Edit: I don't expect/need a committed relationship, not sure what it is I want, might just be a crush for all I know)
TL/DR: I was cheated on but forgave my GF. She is the only one I talk to about topics like this and I don't want to always talk to her about it since it opens old wounds for both of us. I don't know how to continue.
My GF cheated on me nearly exactly 3 years ago. We worked through it and I honestly think I completely forgave her. The problem is that I still struggle with the thought of it and it hurts me greatly. I seem to be unable to let go of it. Unfortunately, my GF is the only person I really can talk to about this topic, since most of our friends don't know it happened. We talked about it often in the beginning and even though I still struggle with it I stopped talking about it since I believe it also hurts her greatly when we talk about it. I really can't talk to anybody about this and it honestly overwhelms me. I know the most obvious solution would be to talk to somebody else, but I really don't know to whom I should talk about this.
I love my GF and don't hold any grudge against her, but I am afraid that maybe I will subconsciously start to despise her because I can't let go of these feelings.
[I dont know if this is appropriate here, but this place seems like a better place to ask]
Me (Male) and my girlfriend finally tried anal (prostate play) on me. We both enjoyed it alot! But when she took the toy out of my ass, it had a bit of poop on it. She told me i was fucking disgusting and told me to go shit in the toilet.. I was extremely embarrassed about it, and apologized for it, of course grabbed the toy to clean it. We have not spoken for a few hours.. Im also fairly new to anal play, and am wondering if i seriously did anything wrong? I didnt exactly tell the poop to come out on the toy..
Im pretty humiliated, cause i truly feel nasty now.. I get it! I thought it was nasty too.. But im also confused cause i feel like its not really my fault..
Any ideas how i can move forward with this, and any excuses i can tell my girlfriend to maybe forgive me?
Thanks in advance! I really apriciate it!
Hi all, not sure if this post will reach many people but I need a terminal to express this feeling.
Growing up I have always had great great relationship with my parents. We share many points of view, humors, and we stay close to each other. I have never left home living on my own before.
My girlfriend of 5 years and I have been passively looking for an affordable place but wasn't all that proactive, until just recently we have made an offer on a place we like and will most likely be moving in 2-3 months.
When I was searching homes during those times, it was half excitement and half stress, but the stress had always been about the finance and getting along with my girlfriend. But then until I actually knew I would be leaving home, my mind has been bombed by the thought of leaving my home and my parents.
As I said, growing up I have a great relationship with my parents. Whenever I know they are getting home from work, I would go by the door to greet them and carry their stuff inside home. I always stay around the kitchen during dinner preping time so I can spend more time with my mom. And I always take the initiative to do house work / gardening work with my dad so I can spend more time with him.
The thought that I won't be able to see them everyday is making me very anxious and sad. I am a 26M and always want to make sure I dont show my weak side, and I dont want to make it sound like I am blaming my girlfriend for wanting to move out (which she also has great relationship with her family and my family as well, and it is just the right timing to move out), but she is very independent and has no issue moving out.
I dont know exactly what I am feeling or want from this. My parents have been very supportive and say I can always come home for dinner and visit (new place is not TOOO far from them), but still, I dont know how long it is going to take me to adjust. Obviously many people are doing this and they are very independent, but I dont know why I am feeling so weak.
All and all, I know life must come a stage we have to start a new chapter, and I know this feeling will mostly be temporary, but I have just been feeling very hard to cope.
Thanks for reading!
I am a 31 year old man and I have been dating my girlfriend (25 years old) for a year and a half now. During our relationship I have done nothing wrong to make her not trust me. She constantly has treated me as if I’ve been lying to her about something from my past simply because I’ve told her that I don’t want to talk about it because it is traumatic and something I’m embarrassed about. I have explained it to her but she always pins me down and expects more and more intimate details about past relationships even if it’s hurting me. I have told her that I only want to focus on the now but she always talks about my past relationships with other women. I have only been with 4 other women, one of which was a hookup, but the other 3 were women I dated no longer than 6-7 months. She believes that they mean more to me even though I have expressed that they mean nothing to me now and I want to leave the past in the past. I am tired of her always grilling me down about past relationships I’ve had that weren’t even that serious to begin with. I have mentioned that I have a fear of intimacy and instead of trying to make me feel comfortable she’ll just ask questions about my past with these women r
I (24F) want to leave my boyfriend (22M) but I also don't and I don't know what to do... I really need advice.
So I'm dating a guy from another country. I'm considering breaking up and have been considering for a few months now.
First problem for me right now is that I have already paid for plane tickets to visit him in my christmas break, and I also still have my stuff at his place. I was thinking of just going there and make it a good time and when I leave taking all my stuff with me. I feel very guilty for wanting to do this. Everyone around me tells me to leave him because he's not a good guy, and I used to defend him a lot, but now I see they are right...
At the start of our relationship he fatshamed me a lot (note I'm just a bit overweight nowhere near obese) and he hasn't really "fatshamed" me anymore but still says things like "you shouldn't eat that" or more like "you're not allowed to eat that".
He drinks every weekend and most of the times he cusses me out or calls me names when he's drunk. Then the next day he apologises and says I should forgive him and won't do it again, but we both know that's a lie. Whenever I talk back to him or become mad at him for stuff like that he basically lets me know that I'm a woman and shouldn't have an attitude which pisses me off even more.
He's also very jealous or as he likes to call it "protective".. I'm not allowed to talk to other guys because he thinks men and women can't be just friends. I used to play multiplayer games with my best friend (23F) who also invites some of her guy friends to play and he never liked that. I also used to watch twitch streamers who happened to be guys and he doesn't allow me to watch them. Even going as far as saying watching a youtube video of a guy is "technically cheating" because I like them and I'm listening to their voice or something like that.
The worst thing for me is that he claims to be so "protective" over me, but that made me suspicious so I checked his phone earlier this year and found he messaged other girls. One girl he slept with before and another asian girl in another country saying her voice is nice and stuff like that. It naturally made me very upset, but he played it off in saying he didn't mean anything by it and that I shouldn't look too deep into it. As far as I know he hasn't messaged a girl since then, but maybe he just hides it better now. He even went through my phone after I did that to try and call me out on me messaging other guys (which I didn't) and he couldn't find anything besides some messages from yeaaaarrs ago ( we were dating for 1.5 years by this point).
I'm also scared because he is so jealous he will think I'm breaking up with him for another guy which I'm definitely not. I'm scared he will retaliate and post nudes he has of me online, and I don't know what to do about that.
I just really don't know what to do. I care alot about people and their feelings and I don't like being hated, but I don't like feeling miserable all the time. I really need advice on how to go about this.
Boyfriend is showing red flags but too scared to break up.
I won't make this long. There's a girl (24F) in college who I (22M) developed a crush on. The thing is, we only share a few classes, she immediately leaves after class, doesn't come to any events, and is generally pretty shy. I've been trying to approach her, but I could never find the right time and place.
Would it be pushy if I chatted her up on WhatsApp? I don't have her number personally, but we share a group and I could privately message her from there. I simply can't find another way to talk to her.
What do you guys think?
living with my parents is a nightmare.
each night i have to worry about whether they’ll argue with each other over the most useless things. and this has been going on for years and years but it’s only gotten worse recently due to us living alone now. (we used to live with my grandparents) my grandparents would always stop the fight before anything for serious but since they’re not here anymore, they’ve become more physical. i hate hearing all the slaps and punches that pierces through my thin walls and i especially hate it because my younger sister is always next to me crying.
the last straw for me was when they said they didn’t care about my cat dying from the cold. context: they leave her outside our terrace every night and i have no idea why. “it’s winter right now and she’s only 5 months old?? the temperature dropped today. how can she survive? she will die!” i’ve said and she just said, i d o n t c a r e. that stunned me, i couldn’t believe what i was hearing. she didn’t care about a life dying because of her? i couldn’t take it anymore.
me and my boyfriend were calling at the time and he heard everything, he offered me to stay at his house for as long as i wanted. i’ve been hesitant because it feels extremely disrespectful to just live at his house when his parents are still there and i’m not contributing to paying the rent. i wouldn’t be able to get a part time job as i’m still studying and would like to pursue my studies. but he said otherwise and idk if i’m still comfortable with that. not to mention, i don’t know what my sister would do without me, i cant just leave her here but i can’t deny that i’m selfish enough to leave anytime; i cant take her with me.
i hate it here.
TLDR: parents argue and get physical almost every day, making me want to leave but i don’t want to leave my sister behind nor make my boyfriends parents uncomfortable because i’m still a student and can’t help with rent.
3 years after we had our first son my husband quit his sales job without consulting with me. It is now 5 years later and we have three more kids. When he worked he made about the same as I did and now because he doesn't work I have to work 2 jobs to make up for his salary. He does cook but I do most of the cleaning, almost all of the dishes, and all of the laundry and am stressed and depressed most of the time. When I bring it up to him he uses the excuse that he can't go to work and trust me to be alone with the kids and cause them to become depressed. But who wouldn't be depressed if they are forced to work all the time. I really am beginning to hate him, but am unsure what to do. I don't want my kids to have their life disrupted from a divorce but sometimes I'm at lost of what to do.
Background note: We've been together since senior year in high school so this is 22 years later. In retrospect I grew up with him and when we were younger he had plans and aspirations that I thought would work. His parents also went through a divorce because his mom was the sole provider and his dad couldn't hold a job. She ended up working 7 days a week, never spent any time with the kids, was stressed out all the time and during the period we met his parents were going through a divorce - dad cheated on mom and left for his childhood sweetheart who was ok with him not working. His mom was distraught and he took care of him for a while. I never thought he would not work. He held a job for three years when we had our first but quit that job three years later when we had our 2nd. In the past five years on and off he's been taking lump sums from his mom (who felt guilty in giving him the burden of taking care of her during the divorce - but it seems as if she's run out of money as well). I keep trying to justify to myself. At least the kids have one parent home taking care of them. At least he plays with them. But truthfully if he stuck with his old job (which was sales for a consulting firm) he would be making the same if not more salary as me. And I feel like I have three jobs as I hold my two outside jobs working 6 days a week 10-12 hrs a day, manage all household appointments (play dates, doctors appointments, bills, parent teacher conferences), dishes, laundry, and cleaning. I think it would be a different story if I agreed to this, or there was even a discussion, but I feel as if the sole provider was pushed on me with the manipulation that he knows I care about the kids and would force myself to work rather than not be able to provide them with the necessities..
My sister has been a giant bully towards me my entire life. I’d even go as far to say that my relationship with her has been the most distressing thing that I’ve experienced (and I’ve experienced CSA, domestic violence from my father toward mother, and r*pe).
Ever since I was a child, literally just being born, she’s felt intense jealously and rage towards me. Some examples from childhood: When I was 1 she jumped on me and sprained my arm (it could’ve just been kids being kids, but in hindsight I think it was somewhat intentional). At one of my birthday parties, a milestone year, she deleted all photos that were taken of me. This was before cell phones and backups, so those memories are just… gone. When I was about 12 my mom had to warn me to tell her if I ever found knives in my sisters room because she was seriously worried that my sister would hurt me.
Fast forward many years. My sister is the type of person who cares very intensely about the people in her life. We have a little brother (17), and he’s the light of her life. She’s basically a mother to him. No doubt she had to take on more than a sisterly role as a child, but she’s always held intense favoritism towards him. Now that we’re adults she expresses love for me in words whenever we see each other (I’m the only person whose moved out of the house, so I go home 1-3 times a year for a few days), but it doesn’t match her body language and facial expressions. I would also note I try to not be alone with her ever really, so these expressions of love happen in front of other people.
I’ve suspected for a few years now that she’s a narcissist. She always has to be the center of attention in a room, she’s always boasting about her life and how many relationships she has, (this is the part that bothers me the most) whenever we have family events she always butts into my conversations to ensure she has the “best” relationship with whoever I’m talking to. She’s also very vain. She’s always complimenting me on my hair and will make comparisons on people in our family (eyes, shoulders, etc.). I’ve never cared much about these things so these conversations make me deeply uncomfortable!
What’s driving me to make this post is that I’m intensely worried about what’s going to happen with my family as we all grow older. I love my mother and my brother to the bone, but I’m worried she’s going to keep pushing me out of this family. Moving home is not an option for me for many reasons. My mom acknowledges how poorly and meanly she’s treated me my entire life. All of our family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) know how difficult it is to disagree with her. She has a good heart, but she always has to be right. No one’s ever felt comfortable standing up for me against her, my family can be real bystanders. It would not be possible to go no contact with her without losing my entire family, which I’m not interested in.
We’ve gone long periods after massive fights not talking. We’ve had heart to hearts, the behavior always just bounces back into this baseline of her having to be better than me.
Thanksgiving really just affirmed these feelings. Nothing malicious happened, but for the life of me, with all these micro aggressions, I do not feel emotionally safe nor comfortable around her. This morning I called my mom for her birthday. Apparently my sister is really mad I’m not helping our brother with his college essays (I’ve had two long FT calls with him already!). She never even thought to ask me if I needed help when I was applying to college (she was graduated, at home, and unemployed). I’m extremely worried about what’s going to happen when my parents pass. I’m worried she’s going to not allow me to grieve, claim I never loved my parents the way she did, and then isolate me from my brother.
I don’t now what I’m asking for specifically, but any advice? I feel hopeless towards anything getting better with her and as we all grow older relationships are becoming harder to maintain.
So I want to start off by saying that I have a really unhealthy relationship with my own mother where she neglected me for most of my life. I'm unsure if my own experience is coloring my perception here.
My friend is 24 and has a stable job which he started in May of this year. He still lives in an apartment with his mother. He has never dated or had sex. He may have mild aspergers. We talk a lot and I consider him a good friend, but I feel that I've noticed some red flags. Being in a friendship with him is difficult because of how close he is with his mom. She is prioritized above all else. I think any girl with romantic interests would be totally turned off by his relationship with his mom.
He expresses interest in having a romantic relationship, but he's also very infantalized. I feel obligated as his friend to tell him that I think his relationship with his mother is unhealthy and standing in the way of him growing as an independent person. We share very deep secrets and feelings (like my past trauma) and help each other through everything. This is why I feel obligated to be honest.
I think a list of the "red flags" might be easier to communicate why I think the relationship is unhealthy. Perhaps these are only red flags to me. I'd like input.
- In college, he couldn't stand being 3 hours away from his mother. They drove and met halfway weekly.
- He idolizes his mother, often complimenting her and calling her a perfect person.
- He sees his childhood as being perfect and is still attached to childhood cartoons to the point that he watches them constantly and only looks at rule 34 porn of them, not real porn. He is specifically attached to one comic series just because she introduced it to him.
- He wants me close with her too, even though I am his friend not hers. He jokes about her adopting me since my mother wasn't the best. She is in on this joke and is apparently planning a Christmas present around it.
- I invites him for the holidays, he is bringing her because he wants me to meet her and love her like he does, his words.
- They eat dinner together every night.
- They grocery shop together.
- He does some of her work tasks for her, goes to her office with her just to tidy up and reboot her computer.
- On vacations they share a hotel room.
- They often go to dinner together and to the movies. They have a monthly movie night.
- He wanted to write erotica as a side job but was worried she'd ask about the source of extra income (why is she aware of his income? Why is a grown man worried about getting in trouble for writing erotica?)
- He plans to postpone going on dating sites until his student loans are paid off, but it feels like an arbitrary reason to push it off.
Essentially, it feels like he's stuck in his childhood where cartoon crushes and his mother are the most important things in his life. He expresses an interest in more, an adult romantic relationship. But I don't think it's possible with his current circumstances. What can I do as his friend?
Edit to add: dad is not in the picture.