r/relationship_advice Sep 27 '21 Silver 2 Helpful 1

I(29M)can't seem to forgive my Sister(26F) after she completely bailed on me when I was on the brink of being homeless

[removed] — view removed post

1.2k Upvotes

u/R_Amods Sep 27 '21

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.


My sister from a young age has had only one person to rely on and that person was me.

We come from a broken family with one parent that was only around till I was 5 and the other who was stuck in a cycle of addiction.

Because of our situation I grew up very quickly and shielded her from as much as I could, she obviously was aware of what was going on but she was not in the crosshair. I started with stealing from our mother to make sure we had food and bills were paid, I got a part time job at 13 because we couldn't rely on our mother and when I graduated I immediatly got 2 jobs and we moved out.

I had to push my Sister through highschool(She wasn't an easy teen for obvious reasons) ontop of going month to month trying to get as much money together to pay our bills. At 19 she finally graduated after being held back a year, she changed her tune a lot and she started working as well and had her own place when she was 21.

I finally got a shot to do something for myself and got a degree, as a result I got a much better job but unfortunately that was right before the pandemic hit so I pretty much went from hired to fired as I was a new hire.

Now the reason I am saying all that is not to pat myself on the back but to stress why my reaction is the way it is.

I was out of work, on the brink of losing my apartment and only had one person who I expected I could turn to, my sister. She was recently married, lived(still lives obviously) with her husband, so I asked if I could stay a few weeks at most a few months until I got a new job, it was a No. I was taken aback, but it remained to be a no. A week or two later I was kicked out of my apartment, I asked again and it was a no, at this point I am homeless and the only reason I didn't end up sleeping on the damn street was because I could crash at a few friends until I got a temporary job, I rented a room with a bunch of roommates for a while, eventually got a job in my field again and am now doing fine.

That said, I have not spoken to my sister since, she has called, messaged, banged on my door, sent crying voice messages, apologised dozens of times, tried to explain herself, tried going to my job, tried going to friends, everything. I haven't said a word to her it's been over a year now, she recently had a child and she is still desperately trying to reach out. She claims her husband refused to let me stay, he even reached out several times to beg me to reach out, but to me the one time I need her she basically tells me to F myself, I feel like it was the last push I needed to just end that chapter of my life.

I feel bad but just...Not bad enough, I guess? Even my friends and my girlfriend are on my case that I should forgive her and that they understood it at first but now think I am being an asshole, what would you guys do?

1.4k

u/the_last_basselope Sep 27 '21 Gold Helpful

Tell your friends and girlfriend that only you get to decide when you're ready to talk to your sister, that it's not their place nor their business to try to force you into an interaction that you aren't emotionally ready for and, if they care about you at all they will shut the fuck up and let you do things when you are ready to do them. I'd send your sister one message telling her that you aren't closing the door on ever having a relationship with her, but you need her to back off and give you the time and space to work through your feelings of betrayal. That you will reach out to her when, and if, you are ready to and not a minute before and, the more she pushes, the less you want to be around her.

Then get into counseling to work through your feelings, decide how much of a relationship with her you can handle emotionally, and then proceed from there. If your gf and friends keep pushing, then they are only doing so for their own selfish purposes rather than out of concern for you and you need to shut them down hard.

542

u/Emergency_Yard_6009 Sep 27 '21

This is good advice. Some skeptical part of me is wondering why the sister wants OP back in her life now that she has a baby. Baby sitting, defraying baby expenses, wanting OP to play the happy generous uncle? If it was really guilt, she would have reached out earlier. And it seems like sister only reached out once OP was back on his feet.

Edited to add: It could be that all of OP's sacrifices have led to her growing up to be very self-centered because all along, she's never had to think of someone else.

147

u/GuntherTime Sep 27 '21

If I’m reading the post right she has BEEN trying to get into contact with him though. It didn’t just start after she had the baby. Sounds like it’s going for the better part of the year.

127

u/onurkneezb Sep 27 '21

If it really was her husband's fault, she could've at least shown up and slid him a little money to get a room somewhere to help out, there is something else going on methinks.

136

u/Moal Sep 27 '21 Wholesome

I think we need more context as to why the sister and her husband didn’t want OP staying with them. If she was pregnant when OP asked to live with them, she and her husband might have had some legitimate concerns. Pregnant women are at a much higher risk of health complications with this virus, and perhaps they didn’t know if OP would abide by quarantine protocols. But if she wasn’t pregnant at that time, and if neither of them are immunocompromised, then yes, it was pretty cold of them to ignore him in a time of need.

133

u/ZeeLadyMusketeer Sep 27 '21

Nope. If that was the case, she could have had a conversation with him. She didn't, just stuck to a flat "no". Didn't even try to help with alternatives. Pregnancy had nothing to do with it.

3

u/Moal Sep 27 '21

It’s possible that she was too early in her pregnancy to feel comfortable telling him about it yet. Or, as someone else in this thread suggested, maybe she and her husband were experiencing marital problems at the time (remember, divorce rates skyrocketed last year), and she wanted to keep it private. Or maybe there were sensitive issues OP has that she didn’t feel comfortable confronting (like poor hygiene, anger issues, etc). There’s a lot of potential reasons.

I think we need OP to paint a fuller picture of how their relationship was up until last year. I think it was wonderful of him to help her so much in her younger years, but what has been going on between them since she moved out 5 years ago? There’s a lot of unknowns here.

56

u/Vinastrasza Sep 27 '21

"There's shit going in my life, I can't right now."

vs

"No."

3

u/altxatu Sep 27 '21

And there are plenty of legit reasons and shitty reasons. We don’t know. We can’t judge one way or another. People should just be sticking to advice on how to handle the friends, not making blanket judgements.

53

u/Expert_Mermaid Sep 27 '21

But even she was pregnant or had other “legit” reasons to refuse his stay, she could have done something to show him support like offering money and finding him another place, instead of turning a blind eye and watching him being kicked out…

22

u/a_NG_ie Sep 27 '21

Exactly my thoughts.... free baby sitting.

31

u/ThrowRADel Sep 27 '21 Helpful

There might have been genuinely good reasons that made taking OP in unfeasible; it was towards the beginning of the pandemic when a lot of information was unknown and the sister was pregnant/at risk. The one thing I've learned from the pandemic is that people have very different risk tolerances and it's best to bubble with people who have similar behaviours and risk profiles to your own.

29

u/Emergency_Yard_6009 Sep 27 '21

If she had said something about pandemic safety or offered a reason, I think OP would have mentioned it. He's not asking if he was right to cut contact, he wants to know how to get past this so I think he would be a fairly reliable narrator.

2

u/poridgepants Sep 27 '21

It’s shit what she did, and who knows maybe the husband really did play a role in it. But people do make mistakes and maybe she is realizing what a life without her brother means. I hope it’s genuine

6

u/akaynaveed Sep 27 '21

Nothinf more needs to be said

1

u/okay455 Sep 27 '21

Best comment

3

u/oiwotsthis1111 Early 30s Female Sep 27 '21

You had me til counseling. Its not the end all be all of solving things.

376

u/SalsaRice Sep 27 '21

Your friends and GF need to back off, when this isn't their situation. You decide what you wanna do here; they have zero say in the matter.

I completely get your anger..... you at you lowest point needed help, after spending your entire life helping her up..... and she said "nah, that inconveniences me." I'd be upset too. The hardest part would be trusting her again, because she's already shown she isn't trustworthy.

65

u/misswinterbottom Sep 27 '21

His friends and girlfriend have no idea what it’s like to grow up hard like that, the betrayal is like a knife in the heart.

12

u/GiannisToTheWariors Sep 27 '21

With that history and what you did for her, I get OP and am on his side. Anything less than giving her husband an ultimatum and making him let her brother stay is not enough.

139

u/Old_Thrashbarg Sep 27 '21

You gave up your entire childhood to help raise your sister, you've given her enough. Do what feels right for you because you sure as hell don't owe your sister peace of mind, and that's what she's seeking. If she was truly sorry, she would have expressed that and left it at that. The fact that she's constantly hounding you along with her husband means she wants something from you, whether it's you saying it's ok or something else. You don't owe her that. Explain this to the people in your life and either they get it or they're next. You're not being an asshole at all, you're finally looking out for yourself, something no one has ever done for you before.

44

u/crystallz2000 Sep 27 '21

I agree with other commentors. I would tell everyone who is pressuring you to back off and drop the topic. As for your sister, I would send her one message, "I took care of you, at a great personal sacrifice to myself, from a very early age. I sacrificed and sacrificed and always thought we had each other's backs. The one time I needed you, you were willing to let me be homeless rather than help me. There's no going back from that. There's no forgiving you and moving on. Our relationship has forever changed. I have no idea if sometime in the future I'll be in place to want any kind of relationship with you. But for now, I'm focusing on myself for the first time in my life. I'd appreciate it if you respected the fact that I don't want to talk to you and gave me space. I will reach out if, or when, I want to. As for us, do not come to me if you need anything, that ship has sailed." Then, get into therapy. You have a lot of stuff to work through and that's okay.

14

u/KoenigVettel Sep 27 '21

I’d go for the kill shot

“I don’t have a sister, just a blood sucking leech - and nobody sticks those back on after they fall off”

248

u/AtheistBibleScholar Sep 27 '21

It's my own nitpicky word use, but I treat the phrase "forgive and forget" as two separate things. Forgiving is giving up any need for restitution. If I forgive, all I'm doing is saying I don't need restitution in any way; the matter is settled. So in that sense, go ahead and forgive her. There's nothing she can ever do to make that up to you, and letting that go should be no big deal.

But then there's that forget half which for me is letting go of bad feelings. That would be way harder for me since I don't get the feeling she regrets what she did, but that she regrets the consequences. What did her apologies sound like? There aren't hard and fast rules, but here are some non-apologies:

  • "I'm sorry that you..." This is borderline gaslighting that implies you're imagining you've been wronged.
  • "I'm sorry I did that, but [reasons]" This person also isn't sorry since they think the reasons justify what they did. They regret the consequences.

That said, it's perfectly fine to only do one of them. You can absolutely forgive her and at the same time make it clear that your relationship has fundamentally changed. Saying things can never go back to the way they were (assuming that's true) doesn't have to be done in a cruel way--and if you want to do it that way, stay NC because you're not ready to forgive.

I'd also demand an apology from your brother-in-law. If he forced her hand, he's the one that owes you the apology.

33

u/pretzel-person Sep 27 '21

Great comment. I have always tried to figure out what my definition of forgiveness is, and you seem to have explained it very well

198

u/Eimsies Sep 27 '21

I would go with your gut. If you don't want a relationship with her don't fake it for other people because you need to worry about yourself for once. She left you homeless after all you did for her. I don't know if I could move on from that. You know you can never rely on her for anything. There could be ulterior motives why she wants you back in her life. Honestly you sound like such a great person you really need to do what's best for you.

17

u/Dubbiely Sep 27 '21

I totally understand you. Normally, there are not many times in your life where you really really need help or support or both. During these times you can see who is really with you or not with you.

Your sister let you down; she could have threatened her husband that she would move out if he wouldn’t let you in you in.

I think that didn’t happen; she didn’t fight for you as you fight for her. I don’t think she is such a good person. She should have had in her mind what you did for her; how much you sacrificed and that she let you down.

She knew everyday that you were on the street; the whole time she never reached out to you, while you were on the street or couch surfing. That’s the person you raised , sorry.

And I can’t believe that her husband said no, if he really would be the person who said no then he wouldn’t reach out to you. He would try to keep you away, because he wouldn’t want you to know that he said no.

More likely she wants to reconnect because you’re settled in again, you have money for presents for the kid, or you are the aunt and could spend time with the kids so they can go on vacation or they need a cheap babysitter. Someone who can raise their child.

Go with your gut.

-38

u/UnObtainium17 Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

I’m on the opposite.

Forgive your sister op. She made a mistake and is asking for your forgiveness.. life is too short to carry that burden for the rest of your lives.

Go with the decision that will give you peace and happiness.. and that is accepting your sister back.

Edit: damn.. so many of you can make it seem so easy to cutoff someones only family 🤷🏽‍♂️

Edit2: it seems even her husband is also sorry for what had happened?

I mean they could have said no to you because she was pregnant and the sister and baby could be at serious risk in covid and they want to prioritize the safety of the pregnant but hey thats just me 🤷🏽‍♂️

24

u/lesbianlinguist Sep 27 '21

Nah. A mistake is a simple one-time slip up. This was a decision that she made over a period of time, she had weeks to think about it, and still did not allow him a place to stay. To not be HOMELESS. It shows that his sister does NOT care about his health and safety, not just "oh she's dumb and said something without thinking". Nope. Your comment is extremely cavalier to just ignore that he was homeless, after doing everything he could for her.

12

u/aversimemuero Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 29 '21

I got a feeling that your sister is so used to having you taking care of her mess.. and now she has a kid and suddenly wants to make peace? She wants a free babysitter. Be smart op, you don't feel bad enough because you know you're not doing anything wrong.

28

u/rocketscience08 Sep 27 '21

Lol wat you can forgive sometime while still moving om from them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that person needs to remain in your life. Not being reminded of an ultimate betrayal also brings peace and happiness.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

I'm with you on this. Forgive doesn't equal forget. She is aware she messed up and OP knows this. He can move on with his life not maintaining anger towards her while also acknowledgeing that he's had his trust, and probably his heart, broken by the one person that he felt he could truly rely on and he doesn't want to ever feel that way again and I don't blame him. They've showed their true colors and OP is under no obligation to give them any kind of closure.

16

u/seahawkguy Sep 27 '21

It’s convenient that she came to her senses when he finally got back on his feet.

15

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

→ More replies

4

u/PM_ME_UR_SEXY_KYLES Sep 27 '21

sometimes in life you have to accept that people are shitty, if you want to experience that same thing again, same feeling again, then yeah it only makes sense to "forgive" the sister. You can't forgive everyone.

3

u/Danedelion Sep 27 '21

Don't judge people for making decisions you haven't had to. Fuck your family they're a random coincidence. You choose who is in your life and be as strict as you want with your filter OP.

3

u/Eimsies Sep 27 '21

I respect what you're saying but to leave your sibling who sacrificed so much for you homeless there is just no excuse. I wouldn't have a relationship with someone because other people want you to. Families aren't always loving and supportive and just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with them. Some families are so toxic they do more damage then good.

→ More replies

2

u/sanbrio Sep 27 '21

How is he going to get peace and happiness from her if she denied him that same peace when he was forced to couch surf until he got on his feet? op sacrificed a lot for his sister and she’s only showing remorse now bc she feels sorry for herself, not op

→ More replies

131

u/Clement_Tino Sep 27 '21

I feel sorry for you man. That kind of betrayal hurts

16

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

Yeah for real. The sister is a selfish brat. I would refuse to talk to her also.

245

u/dasookwat Sep 27 '21

Since the question is: what would you do, it's easy: "i would not reach out" i'm someone who will do pretty much anything for friends and family, but as soon as i'm done with someone, i'm done. There's no going back. ever. Sure, sometimes, i miss some ppl that were in my life, but never enough, to get back on that decision.

70

u/94sos94 Sep 27 '21

I think us (I hate this term) “recovering people pleasers” feel like this. I definitely am like this. Give my all, and then one thing will put me over the edge and I’m done. Cut people off and move on.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

I actuelly like that term. Thank for saying/writing it, never had a word for it before.

4

u/94sos94 Sep 27 '21

To be honest I originally liked the term myself but I’ve read it too many times now where people over use it and make it a giant deal (almost a pitty party). But it explains itself quite nice. One of those things that other people ruined for me by their usage, haha.

222

u/Impressive-Cricket-8 Sep 27 '21

So the reason she has become who she is instead of turning to bad friendships, drugs or who knows what else was your sacrifice and dedication, and while her husband gets to have a functional wife, you get nobody to be there for you. And now that the problem is solved, she feels bad?

As for friends and girlfriend, tell them you appreciate their concern, but your mental health is better this way, and that's your decision, not theirs. She wasn't that worried about you before, why should you be worried about her now?

19

u/KoenigVettel Sep 27 '21

And now that the problem is solved, she feels bad?

Now that she needs a free babysitter, she feels bad. I highly doubt it’s a coincidence she’d only have reached out around the time she figured out she was knocked up.

21

u/mfruitfly Sep 27 '21

I'm so sorry this happened to you, all of it.

You have to forgive- or not- on your time, not on hers.

She told you no and it seems didn't even try to explain herself or help you in other ways. I can't imagine turning my sister away, and if for some reason I had a partner who said no and I couldn't move them, I would help in other ways- money, setting you up with a friend who could take you in, etc. And you didn't even know until now while it was a no from her, and I can only imagine how lonely that must have felt, to not even be deserving of an explanation or an apology while it was happening.

For people who have not experienced homelessness, it can be difficult to comprehend the deep fear and trauma that comes with it. It is beyond terrifying- seeing it coming and not being able to stop it, wondering how long you can rely on friends, seeing yourself on the literal street and knowing if that happens it is even more difficult to get back to a "normal life- it is an actual trauma. I think you should consider sharing with others who you are close to what you went through, and take time for yourself to process that. To your girlfriend and others close to you, whether you share or not, tell them you aren't in that place, and the best way they can support you is to let you decide what to do, and know that you are aware your sister is reaching out and sad, but you have to protect yourself. You need their support, not their judgment, and would prefer if they did not continue to bring it up.

59

u/AnxiousAd6311 Sep 27 '21

I mean yo can lay shit out to her but even if the husband told her you aren’t allowed after all you did for her I’m sure any of them could of talked to there friends

8

u/KoenigVettel Sep 27 '21

You’d expect someone to tell their spouse to get over it, your brother that literally raised you is staying.

56

u/70sbananatits Sep 27 '21

You don't have to forgive and let people into your life that you don't want to. That's it. End of story.

66

u/fannubal Sep 27 '21

I think you are very tired, and deserve to be put first for a while. So put yourself first, by getting another good job, building up those savings, prioritizing yourself, etc.

Maybe in 5-10 years or so, you'll be ready to reconcile with your sister, after she has finally and fully grown up on her own, and doesn't need you for emotional or logistical support as a new mom.

119

u/LearnsFromExperience Sep 27 '21

You've done everything for her you were "obligated" to. The one time you needed something, she failed you. I don't care if it was her spouse who initially said you couldn't stay there. She went along with it. I'd have a really hard time forgiving, and it'd be impossible for me to forget. At some point, you might be okay being superficial acquaintances, but you'll probably never be able to trust that she'd have your back ever again.

87

u/Emergency_Yard_6009 Sep 27 '21

OP wasn't 'obligated' to do anything. He was her sibling not parent. What he did, he did out of love.

56

u/LearnsFromExperience Sep 27 '21

And that's why I put quotation marks around the word.

→ More replies

11

u/meifahs_musungs Sep 27 '21

If sister was pregnant and husband saying no and husband controls money not sure what choices sister would have. That being said whatever the reasons OP was abandoned in greatest hour of need so whatever is the future relationship with sister will not be the same as it was before. Perhaps if sister had called all their friends to help find a place and or money maybe OP would not feel so hurt. OP in bad situation did anything to keep helping sister. Your sister making no effort to help you is perhaps the betrayal. I like to think if my brother got in trouble I would do what I could to find help/ call in favors if I did not have home and money to help.

49

u/Dense_Resource Sep 27 '21

The way you deal with this successfully is by preparing for a conversation with your sister. Take the time to write down everything you want to say that you are resentful for. All the things you did for her over the years. All the sacrifices you made on her behalf. ANd then tell her that, the one time you needed her, she denied you. She left you to be homeless. And the disparity between the enormous amount of effort you put into her life, and helping her escape your mother and build herself a life, and her complete lack of effort and total indifference when you were in a bad situation, was too much for you to handle. It was humiliating that your little sister, this person you had worked so hard to help, who you loved so much and sacrificed so much for couldn't be bothered to extend you help when you needed it. You tell her that you remain resentful, and you do not know where the relationship goes from here, but it will never be what it once was -- the only question is whether or not the two of you build something to replace the emotional connection that she destroyed. And that right now, you just don't feel much desire to build anything. You don't have the desire to see her, speak to her, spend time with her, see your niece or nephew, her husband, any of them. You are content with things as they are. She got the benefit of your hard work and effort, then she abandonded you, and the natural consequence of her abandonment is that the two of you no longer have a relationship. That chapter in your life is closed now, and you wish her well in her life.

I suggest this because you are carrying a great deal of resentment, and the fact is, you will carry it always unless you address it with her. So unload on her. Tell her all this shit. All the shit you did for her. Go into detail. Get it all out, and you may well discover that you do NOT want to end the relationship. Telling her how she made you feel will make you feel MUCH BETTER. Don't do it for her, do it for yourself, bc carrying around that sort of resentment is toxic and bad for your mental health. ANd by the time you get to the end of the convo, you will know whether you want to try to build that something new, or end this once and for all. If you get it all out, all your grievances, I bet you that you will feel enough for her that you decide to give it another shot. Trust me. This is how resentment works. You have to purge it. Directly with the person who caused it.

8

u/dmchase Sep 27 '21

I am so sorry you are going through this. This reminds me of a saying I have had to use multiple times in my life when I try to make things right in my head and it reminds me to stop, and actually look at the situation and what actually happened. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have been there for your sister your entire life, she abandoned you the first time you needed her. This shows you who she is and your importance in her life. Believe her.

8

u/tortellini-maker Sep 27 '21

It's your life. Do you think you will ever be willing to let her back in again? If this answer right now is no, then talking with her isn't going to do anything. At most, I would shoot her a text or email saying that you have not forgiven her for what happened, and you need more time to get over it.

I'm with you though, the leave you for homeless after what you did for her, I don't know if I would ever look at somebody the same way again.

19

u/lulubelleknitting Sep 27 '21

You don't owe her forgiveness. She needs to make her peace with that.

19

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

You did so much for your sister and she betrayed you. She basically said "I'm okay if my brother has no where to go because my husband says so". Now both of them are begging for your attention after a year with a baby involved.

You don't have to feel bad. Your sister isn't entitled to your forgiveness and your friends and girlfriend need to back off. I'd suggest getting therapy on the side too. This will help you decide how to move on and what you need to do. You shouldn't forgive her just because you're being forced to by other people. Especially since she seems to want a free babysitter.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

[deleted]

7

u/KoenigVettel Sep 27 '21

She didn't start try to ask for forgiveness after her child was born, she's been trying to get in contact with him from the beginning.

Since she found out she’s pregnant, more like. “From the beginning” is something you’ve added, too - I mean, how was she knocking on his door before he had a door? Answer is, she wasn’t, there was a period of time between making him homeless and reaching out to OP.

7

u/Jackopreach Sep 27 '21

Yeah nah I don’t blame you at all tell them it’s up to you when you want to forgive her.

6

u/Bangbangsmashsmash Sep 27 '21

I sincerely hope that your friends are just telling you as an FYI. I think your boundary is perfectly reasonable after what has happened

7

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

You know what. I'm on your side on this story. Both her and her husband let you down, but not just let you down, they were willing to see you become homeless and possibly die from it. I'm taking this extreme exaggerated view, because quite honestly, that is the reality of being homeless.

Stick to your guns and feelings and when you are ready to reach out do it on your terms and when you feel it's right. You have a life to live and a career to build right now. Good Luck mate

6

u/deaprofessor Sep 27 '21

I also grew up with a sister like this. I raised her, stole to feed her, broke into cars for her to have a place to sleep while I stayed outside the car looking out, etc. When she grew up, she became the most self-centered AH I have ever met. I needed her to help me pay our dead mother's cremation expenses (I hadn't seen or talked to mother since I was 9), she told me no even though she had the money. I am a teacher, so I don't make much. I ended up paying for everything, and she later tried apologizing saying her bf wanted new wheels for his mudding truck (?). I cut her out of my life, and things have been much better since. Now I have NC with anyone in my family and feel much freer because of it. I hope you can do the same.

6

u/BellaBlue06 Sep 27 '21

I’m so sorry you went through that. I took care of my little sister too not as extreme as you and she’s always treated me like shit. I stopped talking to her cuz she would never acknowledge or apologize.

I do think it’s up to you accept her apology or not. But you don’t have to. What if you had been homeless or died? Would she have cared more then? That’s really heartless after all you did for her and you deserved better.

6

u/Pirate_doody Sep 27 '21

Well, it seems obvious they both felt it'd be easier to ask for forgiveness afterward rather than sacrifice their comfort.

Sure she doesn't owe you anything, sure they are free to make whatever decision they want. But there are consequences, and those consequences was to allow you to be actually homeless and risk destroying your relationship.

5

u/Kaiisim Sep 27 '21

Heres the thing, people are using the word forgivenss, but they really mean reconciliation.

Forgiveness is an internal process where you release your feelings of resentment and freeing you from the corrosive anger such events causing.

Its a way for you to move on, not a way to erase the past.

She was tested and found wanting. Theres not a way to ever undo it.

42

u/MysteriousMaximum488 Sep 27 '21

I would meet with them, both of them. Tell them how much their turning their backs on you when you needed help really hurt. Especially after all you sacrificed for your sister. Then ask how could they ever make that right. See what they say. You can decide your next move based on what they say.

7

u/Superdutchgirl Sep 27 '21

Yes, this is what I would do. I would like to know what they have to say, besides a lot of meaningsless apologies.

3

u/WeaverofW0rlds Sep 27 '21

This. Forgiveness without restitution is worthless.

36

u/Mindtaker Sep 27 '21 Wholesome

First off, Family, is the lowest most pathetic bar that has ever existed in the realm of relationships. Your parents fucked at minimum twice, END of the bar for "Family".

If your bar for family is at minimum the same as your bar for Close Friendship, not aquaintence, not friend, but CLOSE FRIEND, then if you ask me, you are living your life backwards.

So if you wouldn't be "Best friends" or "Close friends" with her after what she did, then being your sister is fucking irrelevant. Getting pooped out of the same vagina does not render someone worthwhile to have in your life.

I had a divorce from a cheating ex wife, who stirred up shit at first wtih my friends and family. So I told them my side of the story, I told them what I was going to do, which was get a divorce and 50% custody, if any one of them had any opinions on that besides being supportive of myself or my kid. I cut them out. Every single fucking one. I speak to probably 25% of my family and cut out probably half or more of my friends. It only took one to give me shit and to also get abrubptly cut off, for the rest to decide its not worth it to try to tell me how to live my life. I refused from that day to have anyone in my life that doesn't bring positivity to both of our lives.

I get the one life, then my ass is dead, to waste even a single moment on shitty people is so unfathomably stupid to me I just don't get it.

So I would make it clear that you will not be told who to forgive and when to do it. Its your life, you either respect your choices or they can go.

But this is what I would do, I am more of a hermit, I only need a couple friends, my kid, my wife and I am good. My wifes family is great and the family of mine that didn't stir shit up are also fine and thats all the support system I need.

So decide what you want, if its worth the hassle for you. Because lets say you forgive her, shits not going back to normal, its going to take years of effort, it will be a rollercoaster, its not just going to be a reunion and everyone is good, thats never going to be the outcome.

So if you are willing to do that work, and take that risk as there is no garuntee that this will even work. Then I say go give it a try.

If you aren't interested in investing years of effort and rollercoasters of emotions to reconnect with your shitty sister then don't.

Unfortunately for you, regardless of what path you take, you are going to lose something. If you stick to your guns, you are going to lose some of the folks that won't leave you alone about it.

If you do decide to give it a try, you are going pay with emotional shit, time, anger and all your feelings you will have to face and overcome for it to work out.

I have no idea what the right thing for you is.

So whatever you decide, I hope it works out great for you and you end up happy in the end.

7

u/Roflcopter987 Sep 27 '21

Good shit bro, I love how you worded this. You’re a no nonsense man and I’m gonna follow you because you remind me of my father. Love him to death

5

u/im-doingmy-best Sep 27 '21

Honestly bro I'd feel the same exact way, that's not right, and I think when you're ready to talk you'll be ready, but nobody can tell you when you're ready, just like the old saying you can lead a horse to water. Nobody here knows what you went through or experienced while she left you high and dry and what you had to do to bounce back, take your time man and I'm with you big brother

4

u/koalabear20 Sep 27 '21

Im hurt for you, i dont think i could forgive her either

5

u/ItsBrawly Sep 27 '21

You’re not being an asshole at all. You sacrificed a lot for her and as you said; when you needed her most.. she left you hanging. You’re well within your right to ignore her/avoid her. I don’t necessarily think it’s about “ending that chapter” of your life. I just think you’re not ready to forgive her yet. She’s the only family you have, don’t forget that! Much love and best of luck

3

u/KoenigVettel Sep 27 '21

That said, I have not spoken to my sister since, she has called, messaged, banged on my door, sent crying voice messages, apologised dozens of times, tried to explain herself, tried going to my job, tried going to friends, everything.

She wants something. You weren’t important to her when you needed her, now she’s figured out that you aren’t going to be there for her next time either.

I bet it’s free babysitting. She got real desperate to talk around the time she got knocked up, huh?

9

u/DiscombobulatedTill Sep 27 '21

I think you should be angry for as long as you feel angry. No one else can know how you feel so why they try to tell you what to do I will never know.

I always gave my brother a place to stay and he always ended up making me unhappy but still, he was my brother and needed some help.

Do what feels right for you.

8

u/Diadelphia Sep 27 '21

How the hell can she be so cruel and selfish to the person who has protected and done everything for her since she was a child? Smh. No idea if that kind of selfishness could ever be forgiven. Glad you got friends and a gf, hope they'd still understand your perspective. I would focus on other things in life for now. She made her bed so let her lie in it now.

11

u/skbryant32 Sep 27 '21

Your sister is an awful person. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with everything you did growing up, only to have her refuse to help.

7

u/RandomRomanianUser Sep 27 '21

You helped her when she needed the most. You only asked her when you were at your lowest and said no. I mean, what else can you expect from this relationship? You gave her everything and she gave you nothing.

And don't bring me the husband BS excuse.

3

u/the_sociopaths_dghtr Sep 27 '21

When family betrays you, when it’s the person you’ve protected with your very being, that hurts the worst. Dude, I get this reaction so, so much and I know how much it hurt.

When you go through trauma as a kid and the person you spent years protecting discards you like an afterthought, it’s a black and white reaction that they’re no longer safe and trustworthy. I get it. I bet when you start to feel safe you’ll find that you can talk to her again, and that’s because subconsciously you know she will never be there for you when you need her and right now you’re focused on your own stability.

My advice is this: write her a letter (I prefer letters because I can’t take the time to get the words right) telling her how you felt about being abandoned by her during your darkest time when you were always there for her, let her know she’s irrevocably damaged your relationship, tell her you love her and you wish her nothing but the best, but conclude with the message that it’s time for both of you to move on separately. Alternatively, you could say that you need more time and can’t bring yourself to forgive her for abandoning you.

She needs to know how you feel, how her actions have hurt you, and I think you owe it to the both of you to either give her hope that you can reconcile or tell her to move on.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

With respect to your GF/alleged friends, tell them to spare you their luxury beliefs. They have not walked in your shoes and REALLY don't get to tell you how to feel about or reconcile with the person you trusted most who threw you to the wolves. If they have a problem with that, they are more than welcome to f*ck off.

As regards your sister, that is not something I could forgive or forget. When I was young, my sister took care of me and I've always made sure to repay her in any way I can (that includes helping her out financially and having her live with me when she was between jobs). I simply do not understand the psychology or lack of loyalty showed by your sister, regardless of any influence her husband might have had.

She denied you security and stability, and doesn't get to demand those things in return re. her emotions now she realises she f*cked up.

3

u/jumpingtheship Sep 27 '21

I grew up with abusive parents. I protected my sister from a lot of it, because she's my little sister. When I went no contact with the parents, she felt captured in the crosshairs when she started receiving the full load from them. We are adults now so I told myself, she's my little sister and will always be but she needs to know the truth, all of it, the darkest of it, because she's an adult. That was a very hard and difficult talk.

My suggestion to you is to first sit down and write a letter to your sister. It's time to rip the bandaid off and let her know what you protected her from, the sacrifices you made. When you're done, don't send it. Set it aside for a week or two. Wait for your emotions to come down, and when you're at a calmer state, reread the letter. Remove any accusatory language you have towards her, remove any blame or finger pointing. Make it straight facts. Then leave it alone again for a week. Now write the closing: how you felt when she would no house you during your time of need. Again, don't blame or finger point; just write how you felt as a big brother forced to grow up and be the parents and help raise your sister, and then you felt abandoned; the family who you fought for and protected and raised and nutured. Wait a few days, then reread the whole letter again.

Now you're at a point where you have a choice: you can keep the letter or you can share it with your sister. Either choice is okay and up to you.

3

u/ISlicedI Sep 27 '21

If you are feeling better without her and being able to bury that part of your life, maybe it's for the best. I do think when people are married it puts a huge strain on the marriage to get someone else living with you. In the Netherlands they say "guests and fish stay fresh for 3 days".

Without knowing anything about their situation, I can somewhat understand a no, as much as it would be a huge betrayal for the time, effort and energy you've put into her. If it was actually her husband who may have issued an ultimatum, can you blame her for choosing her marriage? On the flip side, if it was just her being a fair weather friend, could you EVER forgive that? I think you need a bit more information to make a morally correct decision. But for now, you don't HAVE to talk to her. That said, if she died tomorrow and you had to attend the funeral (assuming you would), what would you tell your past self to do?

3

u/LondonFighter627 Sep 27 '21

You only had 1 real family member in your life, 1 blood. You shielded and protected her as you grew, YOU were left in a vulnerable position in need of the 1 family member you have and she told you to piss off.

I don't think you're an asshole, she's the asshole and she's ungrateful. I'm glad to see you do better in life!

3

u/First-Let-4172 Sep 27 '21

Due to circumstances out of your control you had to take on a role of a parent for her. This isn’t a conflict between siblings — it’s a conflict between a caretaker and a child. You’ve established yourself as the only permanent parental fixture in her life and that means you can’t decide to call it quits and start being just the sibling — even if after all of the years of struggling to take care of both her and yourself that’s what you deserve.

Her not being there for you must have been profoundly painful. But I’m sure being cut off from your only parent hurts too.

At the end of the day you’re both adults and you don’t own another mature, self sustaining adult anything, especially after such cruelty. But if you still consider yourself her parent/caretaker then you should never give up on her and never stoop down to her level, even if it would be justified.

I guess how you decide to move forward depends on how you view yourself in relation to her. Decide that and live your life.

3

u/shibuyacrow Sep 27 '21

I'm just going to point out this all happened when sister was 25/24... and while an adult, still very new to the world. And OP you and her both have had traumatic experiences with your upbringing. Throw in a new husband to a young woman telling her no.. Just, none of this was in her favour or put her in a position to have firm/fair/healthy boundaries/strength in her life to do something like object to the no.

I'm not saying it's good what happened OP, you also really got the shit end of the stick here all around even before this incident. But I sympathize with neither of you sound like you've had a healthy or easy time of it.

I think what others are saying is good, therapy for processing your past is worth while, and letting your sister know that you've heard her, and understand she misses you, but you're hurt and will come to her when/if you're ready.

3

u/StellalunaStarr Sep 27 '21

I honestly understand. That’s exactly how I’d react. I wouldn’t be mad, id just be done and never speak to her ever again. It’s like… I understand her husband not wanting you there but you’re literally her sibling. Her BLOOD. You both went though so much together and you did so much for her (obviously out of love and not expecting anything in return), and she couldn’t stand her ground against him to help you? She’d rather let you be homeless? And fuck her husband for contacting you for her. I’d genuinely never ever speak to her again. But I’m also petty.

17

u/LovelyJoey21605 Sep 27 '21

No. You don't have a family. She's actual scum. Fuck her.

13

u/Chickenmel Sep 27 '21

NTA

Here is a response that should put you in a better place:

"I'm not ready to talk and move past this yet, I still feel very abandoned and hurt by my family. I don't know if I'll ever get past this enough to having a sister again... but maybe one day we can be friends..." then go NC again.

5

u/Blo1630 Sep 27 '21

Cut out toxic people from your life

5

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

What I personally would do in your case?

Never talk to her again. She showed her true colors, and made her bed.

2

u/United-Parsnip-2487 Sep 27 '21

Just write a LONG list of the things you’ve done for her and the things she’s done for you

2

u/Desjardins97 Sep 27 '21

Honestly I wouldnt feel good about opening up with life to her again. It is in times of need that you truly see whos there for you, not when you're doing good. You saw what you needed to know. IMO its not an excuse that it was her husband who didnt want to. She should have stand up for you!

2

u/Acceptable_Package_1 Sep 27 '21

Honestly, as someone who just recently learned to forgive the advice I can offer is that you are allowed to do so when you feel it’s the right time for you. You don’t even have to forgive her if you don’t want to. On the other hand, I’ve learned to forgive those who’ve wronged me to help me find peace within myself. You can forgive her, and still not have a relationship with her. Really it is up to you.

Good luck!

3

u/AssistanceMedical951 Sep 27 '21

How did you learn to forgive.

It’s not really in my skill set. I’ve been thinking about posting here.

2

u/khaine0304 Sep 27 '21

You've my sympathy. I don't think I'd ever forgive her were i in your shoes. It's hard not to look at what you had to do for her and think "yep it was expected of you".

2

u/cognitivecomplexity2 Sep 27 '21

This is tough. Ultimately you should go with what fits best with you. Sounds like she is truly sorry, but sorry isn’t the same as being there for you when it was needed.

Would you regret it if you missed out on 3,5,10,30 years of a relationship with her/your niece/nephew? If something terrible happened and she was gone, would you be filled with regret, or be able to be at peace with your decision to cut her out of your life?

Your relationship has changed, probably forever on some level. How you feel about that may change with time, or it may not. She may have had a lot going on and not have realized how significant her action/inaction was to you. Clearly it was a selfish decision, wether to protect her relationship with her husband or other selfish reasons. Hopefully she is aware of the gravity of that, it seems she is. The awful truth is many people can’t reciprocate the love, kindness, empathy, compassion, and sacrifice another may have offered/given to them. Personal capacity is limited and it’s hard to accept.

Regardless, it sounds like you are not ready at this point to forgive her. That’s okay and understandable. Everyone should respect that.

2

u/Exotic_Asparagus_584 Sep 27 '21

I’m sorry but I also find the “my husband wouldn’t let you stay” a bit weak because she chose to make a life with him. You choose your partner and it’s a choice that affects your close family members. Take some responsibility for that.

2

u/mythicb33ch Sep 27 '21

She turned her back on you when you needed her most. After all the sacrifices and struggles you went through to raise both her and yourself, she left you to fend for yourself on the streets during a global pandemic. Yeah, I wouldn’t be feeling very sympathetic for her crocodile tears either if I were you. Tell your friends to lay off, it’s none of their business. Honestly, if I was in your position I would cut her off completely and make my peace with never seeing her again. I would have a hard time having a normal relationship with her after that. If she ever asked for a favor, there would be lots of resentment bubbling up at the reminder of that time I needed her, and she wouldn’t help. You’re obviously not ready to talk to her yet, so don’t. I don’t know if you guys are estranged from both of your parents, but it sounds like the two of you are the only real family each other has. Considering this, you might feel the urge to reconnect with her sometime in the future. I definitely recommend going to therapy as some other commenters said, and trying to sort through your feelings of betrayal in a healthy way. It’s also worth exploring your feelings on forgiving and reconnecting with her sometime in the distant future. Good luck OP.

2

u/SuspendedResolution Sep 27 '21

I think your friends and girlfriend are assholes for trying to make you feel like you're the asshole when you're the one who was kicked to the literal curb by the person you did everything you could to protect and provide for over a decade. Your sister is also an asshole, regardless of whether or not it was "because of her husband". You did everything you could for years to provide for her and help her get through school and have a chance in life and she didn't help you the one time you needed her. I can't give you any solid advice here OP because if it was me, I would have considered that the day the last of my family died.

2

u/SushiMuchWow Sep 27 '21

NTA. I’m sorry but she could have stood up to her husband to let you stay there. You fought for a better life for her and she didn’t for you. That’s enough to get cut out. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.. remember.. it’s YOUR off and you decide who you want in it.

2

u/wwtfn Sep 27 '21

People suddenly get a wake-up call once the rigors of marriage and children go from fantasy to reality. Your sister is finding herself in need of more support and knows you're the go-to person for that. Your needs obviously don't matter to her, it's all about her just like with your selfish parents. I would stay NC and live my best life because this won't be the last time she'll hurt you like that. And btw, your friends don't get a vote.

2

u/animelover9595 Sep 27 '21

Fuck your sister, u deserve at least respect if not anything op

8

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

She claims her husband refused to let me stay

Is it possible this is true? You two suffered a childhood full of abuse and it's very common for people who are abused as kids to choose abusive people as romantic partners. Do you know if her husband is controlling of her at all? It seems unlikely since he's asked you to reconnect with her, but just tossing out a possibility.

Regardless, you have every right to feel hurt. I think therapy would be a good option here, not least of all because of all you went through as a child. They can help you process through this issue and decide how you want to handle it moving forward.

I might also consider writing your sister a letter about how this made you feel so you can fully express your feelings without interruption. I would definitely wait to send it if you do this though, as you don't want to send anything while you're still in the midst of your anger.

25

u/fannubal Sep 27 '21

It doesn't need to be abusive. Many spouses would block allowing an unemployed, homeless sibling from moving in for an indefinite time frame. Since the OP had a proven track record of work, and was losing housing through no fault of his own, there should have been more compassion, but some people absolutely refuse to live with in-laws.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

I'm not saying it "needs" to be abusive, just that if it IS then sister's behavior is way more understandable and may be a path to forgiveness. If she just deferred to her husband because he didn't want OP there, then I think OP's anger is still pretty justified.

2

u/AssistanceMedical951 Sep 27 '21

I would say the husband is definitely controlling because now he’s trying to control OP as well as the sister. One of those loud guys who thinks he can get his way by being louder and more aggressive. Now that he doesn’t have to put himself out, and his wife is crying, he’s like “I can fix this”.

6

u/lindibel Sep 27 '21

I would question whether the husband is to blame, when she initially refused you did she give a reason at the time or even state that she would but that her husband wouldn't allow it. If she didn't then assume that the husband is taking the fall for the purpose of removing any fault from her, only you can make the decision to break no contact but seriously consider seeing a therapist.

→ More replies

2

u/Primary_Chemistry420 Sep 27 '21

Actually this is a scenario where I do think it would be good to reach out to her and talk. Even if it’s only once for closure for yourself. Honestly I feel like deep down you might want to even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself right now. You didn’t come on here asking AITA, you wanted advice. If you truly wanted to write her out of your life then it’s easy to do that without consulting the masses of the internet. Talking to her doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to forgive her. Maybe it will just be an opportunity to tell her why you want to cut contact and be done with it.

Also she stated that her husband was the reason that you couldn’t stay. This actually might be possible. It’s possible it’s a lie though. But consider that you both were raised in a tough situation and she’s only gotten by being dependent on you and maybe not entirely financially and physically but mentally too. Now she’s married and she sees her husband as her sole source of support (and she’s used to relying on others) while you’re in a bad spot. It’s very easy to be swayed by people you rely on for emotional support. Now tbh that doesn’t excuse her behavior but if it were something like that it could have aided it. You have every right to be upset, and if you cut her off for good, you wouldn’t be wrong.

Also tell your friends and gf to f*** off in the kindest way possible. It is solely to you, individual involved, on how to handle this, and this is too fragile a subject for them to try to pressure you on how to act/feel

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

Eh I would be good on your sister. Imagine being the reason your sister is a functional person and for her to say no to letting you crash for a few weeks until your job kicked in. The time for putting your sister first is over. Because she is reaching out because it serves HER not you in any way.

You can forgive but I wouldnt forget any time soon IMO. Make it clear to your gf and friends that you will not be discussing this any further. That you are trying to reconcile being left out in the cold when you were in need. Talk to your sister to tell her to stop harassing you and your friends or you will take further action to get her to stop. Then Block their numbers.

4

u/Bakecrazy Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

I would file a hareassment complaint on her and if she doesn't back off I go for a restraining order.

3

u/dumbasstupidbaby Sep 27 '21

Honestly? Sounds like now with a new baby she wants something from you now that you're back on your feet

2

u/ThrowRA2020202 Sep 27 '21

Sorry OP but she doesn’t owe you. She set her boundary which wasn’t only her choice. You needed help but she couldn’t provide, it happens. She has a husband and can provide for herself now. There needs to be different expectations now. She has other people to consider now. You don’t have to talk to her but if you could come to an understanding that would be great.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

She probably needs your help now

3

u/Littlelisapizza83 Sep 27 '21

I believe over time most relationships are repairable and since she was once an important person in your life, it may be worth sitting down and talking with her and the husband. Let them know, truthfully how their actions made you feel and give them a chance to respond. See what happens from there. You don’t necessarily have to forgive her for this to move on with the relationship. But you can work on accepting what happened. Acceptance is not the same thing as being in agreement with a situation or circumstances. Trust me, practicing acceptance takes time and patience but you can absolutely do it. You can practice acceptance regardless of whether or not you decide to try and repair your relationship with your sister (and maybe bro in law).

2

u/ketzusaka Sep 27 '21

i personally wouldn’t have expected her to put me up. i would think i’m being entitled if i did expect it.

having someone stay with you is extremely risky and disruptive. you got your shit together, but it’s just as possible that you wouldn’t have, or that it would have taken much longer in a more comfortable situation. no matter how much my hypothetical sister knows me, i wouldn’t expect her husband to feel like he’d be comfortable or safe having me live in his home.

that’s just my perspective, though. i know it’s a bit against the grain :/

2

u/Cyber_Pest Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

Nah I wouldn’t bother. My sister used to preach “family first” at me so that I’d be around to help when her kids were young/be some sort of model aunt or whatever/give the illusion that our family wasn’t broken but the one time I asked to visit her new home and chill for a few days while I was in the state for a convention (during a rough time in my life, I wasn’t even remotely near jobless or homeless) she would only agree if I painted her a mural while I was there. Couldn’t even chill with my nephews and feel comfortable and safe around my family without giving her something in return. I felt it was shitty and just went somewhere else for the remainder of my stay but the kicker was her demanding I spend my time and money to travel for a funeral of a grandparent that abused me, which I refused to do, and was called a “terrible sister.” I just went no contact after that. Family only meant to her what she could get from it.

Your sister sounds selfish af if she can’t even explain why you couldn’t stay there. Don’t let people turn their backs on you and expect you to forgive it if you haven’t.

-2

u/Organic_Yard_4187 Sep 27 '21

Your sister did you wrong and perhaps her husband is at least partially to blame. You have every reason to be upset but I would ask you what your end game is? Are you thinking of never speaking to your sister again and never meeting her child? Are you planning on making her suffer for several more months/years and then forgiving her? You have every reason to be hurt but I agree with the comments that state you should sit and talk with your sister and explain how absolutely painful it was to have her abandon you in your time if need. Life is short and at some point it is best to deal with the hurt your are carrying around.

16

u/DiscombobulatedTill Sep 27 '21

She knows what she did she knows it's painful she knows she screwed up. He does not have to talk to her for however long it takes.

0

u/lyrikz74 Sep 27 '21

As far as we know you could be an absolute piece of garbage. Saying that, lets pretend you arent. I would keep ignoring your sister until you are ready. She deserves it.

1

u/Redpenalty95 Sep 27 '21

I understand why you’re hurt an upset, but a lot of people aren’t looking at this from the other side. If the sister had let them stay against her husbands wishes everyone would be calling her the AH too. You can see a bunch of aita that are like that. Where had she gone against her husband to let them in, they would say her heart was in the right place but she was an AH because it’s her husbands house too. I get it, it sucks that she couldn’t take you in, but your sister was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. It’s great you did all that for her growing up, I know that isn’t easy what you did, and whether you believe it or not she’s thankful for it, but it can’t be held over her head. If she was pregnant when this happened and her husband for whatever is reasons said no, she’s got to unfortunately do what’s best for her and her baby, which may have been backing down on that argument.

-1

u/wise-ish Sep 27 '21

We don't know what situation your sister and husband have been in. I would definitely be upset at her. I know that reddit is an all or none kind of community but there are alot of in-between resolutions that are neither No contact or full forgiveness.

Giving someone a chance to redeem themselves is different that just forgiveness. Ultimately you will have to decide what path makes you happy.

-7

u/Coronaryy Sep 27 '21

I think your previous trauma may be coloring your vision. It's very likely her husband didn't want you staying there. So now she's in a position to what, get a divorce?

It sucks, yeah and I definitely feel for you, I'm not saying you have to go back to being super close, but torturing her isn't going to help you get over it, at a certain point it just comes off looking petty.

My advice? Reach out, mend the bridge, let her know how it made you feel. Whether you ever cross the bridge to be close again is up to you, but hanging on to this anger and resentment isn't healthy.

19

u/Desjardins97 Sep 27 '21 Silver

Nah man this ain't it. If you're super close sibling is on the verge of homelessness and ask you for help you don't simply accept that your husband says no. First, the husband doesnt get to decide anyway cause a relationship is an equal partnership. Second, if husband says no and doesnt want to help at all, hes just a bad person to be with. If OP's sister decided anyway to stick with husband decision, shes choosing and AH over her brother and IMO that enough reason to cut her off.

-1

u/Coronaryy Sep 27 '21

You're riiiight, OP should be angry and hate her for the rest of his liiiiife. Very constructive.

1

u/Rifter0876 Sep 27 '21

Wow that's next level betrayal right there. Honestly I'd never speak another word to her again. You are making the right decision imo.

1

u/pickledpicklers Sep 27 '21

Coming from a similar background I really hear you. But I will say, she’s the only sister you’ve got, she’s your constant beyond yourself. She super-duper fucked up here and was selfish. Give it some time. But then talk about it, say all of this to her. Even tell her now you aren’t ready to talk and you will get in touch when you are - then at least the ball is in your court and you can process without the extra harassment. Try and rebuild. You justifiably feel really hurt over this and that will take serious time to get over, but don’t lose each other over this. I think you’ll regret it long term.

1

u/djlyh96 Sep 27 '21

I've been in your situation, I've been homeless and had no one help. Don't take any advice from anyone else to get back together with her. She chose her new husband's comfortability and greed over her family. The end.

-4

u/piehore Sep 27 '21

I would pick a neutral site and talk with sister and BIL. Explain it as written here. You obviously love your sister very much so the only person you’re hurting now is yourself. I’m sure this has affected your sister’s marriage. You have great instincts and personal qualities that her children would greatly benefit from you being in their life. You’ve always seen the big picture, what does that picture look like with and without them in your life. I know it hurts but you will feel relief from carrying that boulder of hurt and guilt. Best wishes for you!

-12

u/CursedCorundum Sep 27 '21

I don't know. I see this as both sides. I would never allow someone to live in my space but I would help them with rent somewhere else if I could. Yes, even family. My mental health would plummet and my marriage would suffer. I would put someone in a tent in my backyard before I let them live with me

Perhaps her husband is the same way. I don't know. But encroaching on someone's home sometimes just isn't possible unless of course they have a huge house or something.

Your take now is, you can't rely on her. Know this. Keep the relationship pleasant as a coworker. Your relationship with her is forever changed.

25

u/Tutanga1 Sep 27 '21

Sorry there is more context than just having issues with privacy. I feel you and feel the same way…however he practically raised and took care of his sister just for her to shut him down when for the first time he actually needed the support.

Fuck that. That’s a lot more than “ohhh my mental health will suffer letting someone live with me for a few weeks.” This is a complete betrayal for someone who should’ve basically been the closest family member

-11

u/CursedCorundum Sep 27 '21

Doesn't matter. That's like your parents throwing it in your face that they raised you, so you owe them. That's not realistic. There are many reasons like his sister could have married a dickhead. It's a home of two people. If she were single, I bet it would be different. If I were single I would probably let my family stay.

It is what it is.

21

u/Tutanga1 Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

Sure, but if you’re my family and I supported you all this time and the one time I need help and you leave me in the dust. You will have to deal with the fallout/consequences if that’s the way I view it.

And if you married a shitty partner and that’s why I got ditched I’m still going to hold you partially accountable.

Same thing on the parents side. I don’t want my parents to live with me. However if they were in a bind I would to offer some sort of temporary assistance.

Edit:; also if a family member felt betrayed by me and chose to cut contact with me over it. That’s within their right just as much as it was in their right to turn me down.

→ More replies

1

u/Moal Sep 27 '21

I think we need more context about the sister and her husband. I could see this as somewhat forgivable if the sister was pregnant when OP asked to live with them (pregnant women are very much at-risk with this virus), or if either of them are immunocompromised. They might have legitimately been scared for their health and safety. But if they weren’t pregnant, were perfectly healthy, and OP is good about following safety protocols with mask-wearing and staying home, then yeah, it was very cruel of them to ignore him in a time of need. If they had any money to spare, they at least could’ve helped put him in a hotel for a few days.

3

u/CursedCorundum Sep 27 '21

Oh I didn't even think about covid. Yeah that could have been part of it too. Like is the husband immunocompromised? Is she? What's his work like?

There is definitely missing information

1

u/Moal Sep 27 '21

Agreed, we need more info. And other reasons people might not feel comfortable housing friends or family could be if they struggle with substance abuse, smoke, have poor hygiene, financial dependency problems, anger issues, etc. My father is like that, and I’d never let him live with me because of it. Of course, OP could have zero of these issues, and his sister is just a cold person.

2

u/CursedCorundum Sep 27 '21

Right. I was more leaning on her having relationship troubles with her husband. That's a huge reason people can't home someone. I think if she were cold she wouldn't be trying to get ahold of him.

OP. You need to at least hear her out. She could have been going through something as well. It was covid after all.

1

u/Moal Sep 27 '21

Ooh, yeah, definitely could’ve been something going on in her marital life that made it difficult/impossible to have other people in the house. Yeah, I think OP should at least let his sister say her piece.

-11

u/NachoPrecarioso Sep 27 '21

I think you're being too hard on your sister. She's a married woman now. Asking to be able to crash at her place for an indefinite period of time is actually a huge strain on a marriage and pretty much fundamentally alters her home life. Also, not for nothing, but it is also her husband's home and him saying no means you legit can't live there.

With all that said, you shouldn't have much tolerance for third parties trying to meddle in things and can fairly tell them to stay out of it.

-5

u/muff_marauder Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

You were not "betrayed".

We help others simply because it helps them and because it makes us feel good. A wise person will know that you shouldn't expect anything at all in return for charity.

Your sister was within her rights to deny you housing even after all the incredible support you gave her. Does that make her a jerk for denying you temporary shelter after all you did for her? Yes, absolutely. But you shouldn't seriously expect her to house you in return for what you did because that would be business work, not charity work: you shouldn't expect "repayment" for charity.

If you're seriously offended by her, take as long as you need to forgive. Or if you decide to not forgive, that's fine too.

-6

u/NedStarkRavingMad Sep 27 '21

It sounds as if the husband is largely to blame. No one can tell you how to feel (obviously betrayed is a logical way to feel.) You can't demand that she leave her husband, nor should you, but you can say that you are open to talking with her again, but not with her husband, if he is really the cause of her response when you were in need.

As one of the other commenters astutely notes, you can forgive/let go without forgetting. It sounds like everyone is aware of the magnitude of what she did.

14

u/Tutanga1 Sep 27 '21

Except a relationship is also a partnership. You don’t just let your partner veto either. You work it out, compromise etc.

You can’t say “husband is largely to blame”. Sorry does she have her own input in the relationship? If they weren’t willing to let the brother live there for a short time could’ve they have provided some sort of financial assistance even on the low end? Etc

I wouldn’t want family to move in with me either but it’s not as simple as “no”. Work it out in the relationship. They didn’t, now she betrayed the brother and has to deal with the consequences too

-8

u/Representative-Bar65 Sep 27 '21

i think you can speak to her without forgiving her. holding on to this is helping no one

0

u/Conscious-Group Sep 27 '21

I can understand both sides of this. Your home, especially after growing up with domestic abuse, is a sanctuary to a lot of people. The only place you can be free from the worries of the world. Some people are not willing to compromise on this, and I get that.

The fact that she offered no help whatsoever is a problem for sure. I don’t know her financial situation but not offering to help you find a room for rent is not cool. Something like “im sorry but I won’t allow anyone to move in with me, but I found you a room to rent on Craigslist and will lend you some money if you need it…”

I also get how upset it made you. If her husband was the real reason, that’s not her fault especially if she relies on him financially. She also has no family and he’s all she has to survive.

-12

u/CherryBomb214 Sep 27 '21

You're not seeing the big picture. She's married. This isn't her refusing to let you stay with her and her alone. She's half of a couple and that means concessions. Sure, you did a lot for her and you'd think that she'd be there to help you out but her marriage takes precedent. I'm sorry. It sucks, but it's the truth. Your reaction to want to end that relationship is definitely disproportionate.

15

u/Desjardins97 Sep 27 '21

Exactly, concessions. She should have been able to explain to her husband the importance of letting OP stay with them.

-6

u/CherryBomb214 Sep 27 '21

We're also only seeing this as one sided. For all we know OP is a huge piece of shit. The husband had a reason for saying no. Sister went with it. I don't think that makes her a bad person.

16

u/ratmftw Sep 27 '21

If that was the case why are they crawling back and demanding forgiveness? Surely they'd be happy to be rid of him

9

u/RPGMaster1100 Sep 27 '21

Nah, in that situation, helping out my would be non negotiable. She showed him exactly where he ranks on her list of priorities.

-1

u/reality_junkie_xo Sep 27 '21

Your sister did something awful, and perhaps unforgivable. Question for you: is she in a healthy relationship, or does her husband control her and all of her decisions and money? There are some women (and men for that matter) trapped in relationships with controlling and sometimes violent men. To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she did fight (perhaps literally) for you and lost. You may want to talk to her to find out her side of the situation.

Or perhaps it's irrelevant to you and that's okay too. You're allowed to be pissed off and do not have any obligation to your sister, who is a grown adult at this point.

-1

u/bigrottentuna Sep 27 '21

I'm old enough to be your father and have lived plenty, but I haven't lived your life, so take my advice for what it's worth. I encourage you to take your time and then talk with her when you can. I would lay it out, all of it, all that you did to raise her and protect her and all that you felt when she bailed on you when you needed her. And then I would listen. Let her apologize. Let her husband apologize. Don't tolerate excuses, but do listen. And share your feelings about what they tell you. And then decide what you want to do.

I understand both sides of where you are right now and where you could go next. I have written off friends and family members for similar things and I do not plan to let them back into my life. I have also forgiven close family members for similarly egregious things, and we have become closer than ever as a result. Neither one is right or wrong, but from my perspective it is clear that she is someone with whom you can have the second outcome, if you want it, and it is worth pursuing.

Remember that she came from the same broken family that you did. Like you, she had to fight to become what she became, and like you, things haven't always been easy for her. Good people sometimes make mistakes and it is obvious that she knows she made one when she didn't support you when you needed it, and she regrets it. When you love someone, it is possible to forgive them for those mistakes and move past them. It is worth taking a chance and opening your heart to the possibility that you two can get past this together.

-1

u/33saywhat33 Sep 27 '21

She will always be your little sister. Can you tell her you love her and forgive her...but don't trust her.

Forgive her for your own health. And hers. Really. That doesn't mean you need to forget or trust her. Or even see her yet. But this can't be a lifetime ban.

I'm very sorry you had the dagger put in her back.

1

u/AutoModerator Sep 27 '21

Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. For further guidance, please see our wiki. This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Okayicecreampuppy Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

If/when you forgive her is up to you. If you never do, that’s okay too. You can love her from afar. That being said, it’s likely that she doesn’t have a strong sense of self and that she was inappropriately swayed by a scumbag husband. A normal brother-in-law would have been supportive. She’s not married to a loving person and it will likely end badly for her. This is something that you can have compassion for. But, I would not enable her husband’s poor character and help her evade the consequences of her actions. I’m glad you had someone in your corner. From the outside, I feel sadness/compassion for both of you because trauma is a lifelong battle.

1

u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel Sep 27 '21

Your friends and girlfriend need to respect you need to time to process what happened. You thought you could depend on your sister, and for whatever reason, she said no. That hurt you. You are allowed to feel hurt.

I had a feeling once you said she was married that her husband likely was the one that said no, but your sister decided to back him up, so she needs to face the repercussion of her choice.

If your friends and girlfriend can't respect your need to heal in your own way, than you need to find new friends and a new girlfriend.

1

u/trevortins Sep 27 '21

Honestly that was very selfish of your sister and considering she’s seen how much you sacrificed during your life for her makes her a terrible person imo. I obviously don’t know her personally but my siblings haven’t don’t even half of what you did for her for me and I would never let them live on the street in a time of need if I could help it.

I wouldn’t even blame you if you cut her off completely I know it sucks but as you get older you can really see how people just don’t care about you the way you cared for them. It’s sucks but that’s just reality.

I don’t know if I would be able to do all that you did for a person and then after begging repeatedly for help they turn me down. At the end of the day it’s your decision but do whatever you feel is appropriate if it was up to me I may not hold a grudge but our relationship would never be the same.

1

u/Ratlarbig Sep 27 '21

This is totally a "your choice" type of situation. You can do whatever ypu want, and there is no right or wrong answer. Either choice is justifiable, imo. You want a relationship with your sister? Go for it. Youre over that? You can move on.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

I have to wonder if the husband said no and she was afraid to push the issue out of fear of losing him? I can’t imagine growing up the way you guys did hasn’t left her with major emotional issues.

Forgiving or moving past this is your choice, of course, none of us can tell you what to do. Even though you gave us a good rundown of all you went through to support her, none of us know your whole story or hers.

I’ve “forgiven” family for failing me. My dad let me down in a major, major way and I cut him off for years. Then I decided I did want him in my life and was willing to work through what happened. We did work through it, he apologized sincerely and completely (for each way he let me down) and we had 11 good years before he died this spring.

I put “forgive” in quotations because I don’t like the word. It’s too simplistic for what you actually go through. I worked through my pain, rejection, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, anxiety, etc, to get to a point where I could be with him. The people we were after this were different than the father that failed me and the daughter who was failed.

Your sister, now feeling parental love for her baby, might finally have the wake up call to realize just how much you did for her and just how much she fucked up. It’s up to you to decide if you want to work through this with her now, later or never.

Don’t feel that you need to decide 100% either way. You can always say “I’m not ready right now” and figure it out later. You’ve had an incredibly stressful life, you can take time to just be for a while.

1

u/Mr_joe77 Sep 27 '21

!Remindme 12 hours

1

u/Mando_The_Moronic Sep 27 '21

A betrayal like this must really suck, I’m sorry you had to go through it. My best advice is to give yourself time to work on your feelings, and be open to reach out when you feel you’re ready. Best of luck to you.

1

u/Matelot67 Sep 27 '21

I don't think you should forgive your sister, but you should definitely talk to her and find out what the hell caused her to bail on you after all you did for her. You need that level of understanding for yourself.

Of course, this comes with the proviso that the minute you see, hear or smell bullshit, bail!

1

u/Woody_Harryishson Sep 27 '21

What would I do?

I would never talk to my sister again. If her dumbass husband came over I'd blame him for the whole situation but know deep down that my sister did what she did because she was selfishly guarding her relationship with her husband over her relationship with me. They both suck.

Id never talk to them again. Id move on with my life knowing I did the best I could for someone who needed it and when that favor had a chance to be returned it wasn't so thats that. She burned a bridge and id have no desire to help rebuild it.

If anyone of my friends or GF kept pushing id put my foot down and tell them to mind their own business. If they kept bringing it up, I'd cut them out too.

Its over. Nothing left their to save. You don't get to go backwards. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel or how to handle it.

Your sister wants her happy family and doesn't want to admit to her child that the reason her only family member isn't around is because she abandoned him in his time of need. Fuck that.

1

u/FewAdministration245 Sep 27 '21

Even if your sister and her husband were apprehensive in sharing living space, atleast they could have helped you monetarily to get you back on your feet and you could have paid then back. This is absolute betrayal

1

u/RemoteBroccoli Sep 27 '21

How you feel is valid.

But!
There might be a reason to why your sister needs to talk to you.
If so, and with help of a mediator, tell her that she will under no circumstances , at all, call you, text you, write you, of any other form of communication,, unless it's about their babies health.
The boyfriend/husband CAN and probably HAVE a huge part in this, so meet her only without him, and write down stuff you can't say open, but keep the notes.

If it's JUST cash, just leave it.

1

u/meifahs_musungs Sep 27 '21

The sister cannot volunteer a place to stay if husband said " no". OP you have right to your feelings. Whatever the situation of your sister you are hurt they were not there for you when you were in greatest need. You have to go on your timetable re: contacting your sister. Perhaps if sister had offered money to help you rent a room you would feel differently. When and if you contact your sister it is for you to sort out what type relationship you are comfortable with. People pushing you to forgive are making it worse. You were Mom and Dad and went through hell including difficult teenage years of your sister. People pushing you are not acknowledging the depth of your hurt. None of us were there when your sister said no to you twice. We cannot know why your sister could not / would not help you.

1

u/PeachyMazikeen Sep 27 '21

Such a fucking betrayal. And you lost your job due to a worldwide pandemic, not because you were being irresponsible. Family doesn’t do that to family. I would be done, too.

1

u/bazooka_matt Sep 27 '21

So OP this sucks and I am sorry. You put so much time and life into your sister and it just didn't matter to her or apparently her husband. They clearly know they owe you nothing and that your purpose has come and gone. You gave her miles and when you needed an inch she left you outdoors.

You are 100% right to feel this way you owe no one a thing. Also why is it so hard for your sister now? She can't show off her kid and gloat to you.

If you need to say something send a letter or an email. You don't need to hear her sob story.

1

u/Darkest_rose Sep 27 '21

You should only reach out when you're ready and not before. Ignore your girlfriend and friends who say otherwise. They were not the ones who reached out for help from someone you have spent your childhood and early adult life looking after only to be denied that help when you were in the worst situation possible. If she couldn't take you in due to her husband like she has said, she could find other ways to help you, maybe help with your rent til you found work and could pay her back. Instead she sat comfortable in her own house while you became homeless. She hurt you in a way you weren't expecting and it's obviously hit you hard. She needs to give you space to decide if you can move on from this and a some point reform your relationship but her having everyone putting pressure on you including the husband that wouldn't let you stay is doing herself no favours. If you're finding life better without her in it then do just that but after awhile if you find yourself leaning towards contact take it slow and see how you feel. Your sister can't expect things to go back to normal, she should have fought for you against her husband knowing you would and have done the same things for her.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

What was her excuse for not allowing you to stay. Was it just her husband not allowing it ? If that's the case why didn't he allow it? There relationship seems abit dodgy. Was/is he controlling her?

I can't think of how they could justify not allowing you to stay with them a few weeks. I guess money or space could be used as an excuse. Even if this was the case by chance. considering what you've done for her. She should have done her very best to accommodate. If I was in her position and I genuinely wanted to help a family member out I would make it happen one way or another.

I think anyone would feel the way you feel in your position. It's up to you to decide if/when you can forgive her. Honestly it doesn't sound like she has a solid enough excuse really for letting this happen to you.

1

u/Additional-Drama1991 Sep 27 '21

I'm gunna go the complete opposite of everyone in the comments so far. Disclaimer I am 5 years NC with my Mother, Father, Brother and LC with my Sister since she has two kids who I want to be a part of their lives.

I think you should let your sister and BIL sit down with you and plead their case. They have reached out not once, but repeatedly. They have both pushed hard to get you back.

My family didnt notice for 4 months I hadn't contacted anyone after a huge blow up at a wedding which I was wrongfully accused of things that 5 Adultier Adults backed me up about. (I always called every week one or more of them, touched base, organised meet ups etc), when they did figure it out they weren't apologetic, tried to act like nothing happened all the usual Narc/Gaslighting crap.

You have an opportunity here that I never got, find out their excuses/reasons, judge those reasons and make an informed decision as an adult. Right now you are making a judgement without all the facts, just guesses. You are hurt I get that, it's awful when the people you trust dont seem to understand the relationship and it's worth as much as you do, maybe now your sister does. You will never know unless you can swallow your pride for one evening of talking.

After that do what is right for you. No Contact is not always the answer, relationships are more complicated than that.

1

u/RidethatSeahorse Sep 27 '21

It might take years to recover from this betrayal. Follow your own path. Good luck.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21 edited Sep 27 '21

Ignore her, if she is only there when things are okay or when SHE needs you then you don’t need her on your life, I wouldn’t let a friend be homeless, much less my brother. She can fuck off with her hubby and new baby, they are her family now.

1

u/DerHoggenCatten Sep 27 '21

In my experience, family that fails you when you're in need once will continue to do so. I wonder what she needs from you if she's so desperate to be forgiven and move past this. Maybe free babysitting service? Respite from caring for her child?

I know I sound cynical, but my family is the sort that never says no to family in need despite being poor and having limited space. My husband's family is the type that never says "yes" despite being affluent and having enough space. Neither my family nor his has ever changed during our 34 years together.

The bottom line is to consider what you want your relationship with your sister to be. If you're punishing her, then maybe you should consider forgiving her. If you're done with her because you worked so hard to protect her and she left you out in the cold, then you are doing the right thing.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to say that you're moving or need a place to stay now and see what happens. It's always easy to offer people help when you don't think they'll take you up on that offer. I wouldn't do it, but I'd at least ponder it.

1

u/ZiOnIsNeXtLeBrOn Sep 27 '21

Here is what you do.

Send her a letter.

Hello Sis, I hope you are doing well. I am doing well, no thanks to you. It is sad that our relationship has come down to this. As someone who took care of you throughout your teen and early adulthood. I was taken aback by the fact that you said no to me and not letting me move in with you for a few weeks. You were my family and you will always be my family. But I am not ready to forgive you for what you or your husband did. I hope that you understand how hurt I was. Family is forever. I wish you nothing but the best for you, your marriage, and your career. You are a smart and brilliant woman. I was truly proud of who you became as a person, before the incident. I will take the time and contact you when I am ready. Right now, I am still hurt by your actions. Hopefully, in the future we can learn and move on but now isn't the time. I will always love you.

OP

1

u/misswinterbottom Sep 27 '21

Wow you sound like me and my brother as a kid we had a really lot rough life and we were both left homeless at 16 and 17 years old. But we always have each other. just recently I left my husband of 28 years for some real bad stuff. My brother didn’t blink an eye to change his entire world to help me he rented a different house so that my kids could come and visit also. Shame on your sister I guess all that shielding and protecting her you didn’t notice that she wasn’t very empathetic. maybe she didn’t realize how hard you worked. The betrayal is like a knife in the heart. I felt absolute fury reading your post.

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou

1

u/everyothernamegone Sep 27 '21

You did what you did for her and she treated you the way she did. Your friends have no clue. Fuck her and her husband.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

I wish you had a brother like you

"Can't rely on anyone these days, you gotta do everything yourself don't we!" - The Joker (and he's right)

1

u/poolwatertea Sep 27 '21

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My mom and I was living with my grandma. It was the dead the winter and our breaker box caught fire so we didn’t have any power. It was freezing. My older sister came and picked up my grandma, saying she could stay with her until it was fixed but wouldn’t let my mom or myself come. My older sister had essentially cut us all off prior, shortly after finding out our younger sister had a black boyfriend. I couldn’t fathom her being perfectly ok with letting my mom and I just stay stuck there in the freezing dark house but she did.

After that point I considered her dead to me. I don’t care if she showed up tomorrow dying of cancer, pleading for forgiveness, she’s completely dead to me. I think there’s hard lines that if people cross you just have to move on and forget about them. I never prescribed to the belief that you need to forgive people for the horrible things they’ve done to you, especially when people spin it like it’s in your best interest to forgive them.

Your feelings are valid and you don’t owe anyone, including your sister, forgiveness just because she finally grew a guilty conscience.

1

u/zephyr_71 Sep 27 '21

I agree with everyone on telling everyone to stop pressuring you to “move on” and talk to her. Maybe it’s because I am this way and imagine some others are like me too, but the more people push the less likely I want to do something. Forgiveness is earned, not demanded. Tell them you need room to breathe and think about the past year, and no amount of pressure is helping you, and they they need to back up and leave you to make adult decisions, like the adult you are. Only you should decide how your life goes and who you keep in your life. No one else.

That being said, your sister really turned her back on you. Perhaps there is a legit intent reason that they could not house you (ie renting from a place with no overpass visitors or persons limitations) but to not even attempt to help with accommodations? Like could they not spare money to help put you in a dirt cheap motel or help you find someone willing to house you for a bit? I get that not everyone’s problem is your own but straight up ignoring someone who was there for you and just leaving it at no was cruel. Maybe there is a missing reason (maybe even on the husbands side) here but it seems as she is desperately trying to get you back I assume that is not the case.

Edit: spelling

1

u/HelpFindRikka Sep 27 '21

I think you should tell your sister what’s what. You basically raised her and she doesn’t give back. I think you should let her know that she fucked up beyond forgiveness, then block them out again. Hell, threaten police if they don’t stop

1

u/bornaconstance Sep 27 '21

I get the sense there's something else missing from your post. Also from a broken home, I'm familiar with relying on non-parents to parent. I have also parented my younger sister at times. And I applaud you for your diligence in pushing her through your hard childhoods. It's not easy.


But for when you had to ask for her help, you write it out as if she says "no" without an explanation? Now she claims it was her husband pushing the main decision. If she's this willing to force contact on you now, I wonder why she wouldn't explain her reason before or at least compromise some sort of assistance.


Other comments are right that you get to decide when to amend that relationship, if ever. From your point of view, the loss of empathy or loyalty is obvious. I'm happy to hear things improved from that situation. It sounds like she's sorry, but like you, I can't imagine willingly letting someone I care about (who's not self-destructive) go homeless for even a day.


Good luck in your choices. Don't let others bully your own boundaries.

1

u/candirockstar Sep 27 '21

Forgive your sister. She made a mistake and has repeatedly shown that she knows it, is willing to own up to it and cares about you.

My sister is dead. Every argument and gripe I’ve had with her I regret. We didn’t have our patents either.

1

u/vdhhud Sep 27 '21

If you just don't feel like being friendly again with her, so why do you need be? If you really want talk with her and speak up your feelings, then do it, but if is not he case, just say to her to stay way from you, you don't have the obligation to be friends with her, that's my opinion

1

u/PiperAngus5 Sep 27 '21

I wouldn’t either. They should of let you stay. There’s no room for selfishness since you did so much for her.

1

u/ahhaahhahahahahhaha Sep 27 '21

This is so incredibly sad, I’m so sorry OP. I can’t imagine a good reason for it. Do you mind explaining exactly how she said “no”?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

This happened to me but with my parents. I was pretty much homeless for a long time but I did have a cousin who helped me a lot during that time. My parents thought it was “tough love” but they taught me that I will never go to them for anything in the future and that they’re only accepting of me under conditions. Not having much help only made getting stable 10x harder without a leg to stand on. I know how you feel. Shit, at least you got an apology from your sister. I wish I’d gotten that.

I’ve since forgiven my parents (in the process of) and I’m trying to work on a relationship with them. The point is, only you can decide when you want to do that. People who have never been homeless cannot imagine the stress and hopelessness. I hope you’re in a much better place OP.

1

u/3n07s Sep 27 '21

Tough situation to be in my friend. I would recommend trying to see if you can go spend some time with her and hear her out.

It is ultimately your choice, people make mistakes. And maybe this mistake she made was because her husband forced her to do so. You may think she has power to help, but ultimately, she is in her own family now and that her husband and her have to agree together to make something happen.

If he is the main reason why you couldn't stay, then it isn't your sister to blame but the husband?

Again, it will be a tough road to go on to heal the relationship, especially since you gave up a lot and did a lot to help her.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '21

There can be no forgiveness without atonement and I do not see how she could ever stone for her treatment of you. I would continue to not let her back into my life. Your friends need to mind their own business. Even if you eventually forgive her behavior that doesn’t mean letting her back into your life. She kicked you when you were down and is now trying to say it was her husband’s fault. The same man who is asking you to forgive her. If it was his decision then why isn’t he asking you for forgiveness. The whole blood is thicker than water is often just BS. A way to worm around awful behavior / an excuse. You did your best for her when she had no one else, be proud of yourself and walk away. You have nothing to feel guilty about snd deserve to have people around you who are loyal and willing to help you when you need them. your friends are the family of your heart, hold them close.

1

u/-applejuice Late 20s Female Sep 27 '21

I have a similar relationship with my younger sister and if she did to me what your sister did to you, I would not invite her back into my life until I was ready. If that day never came, then that’s that.